HER EX MAY BE A SEXUAL PREDATOR : IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN DO?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I live in a small town area of Los Angeles County. I had a brief relationship with a man who I soon thought might be one of those who will say anything he thinks you want to hear.  It was confusing but I decided against him.  Anyway, when I thought he might be sleeping around or have a steady girlfriend somewhere that he was cheating on, I decided to avoid encounters with him. He became predatory towards me even though months went by and we weren't dating. 

I'm not sure what would've happened if I'd resisted the time he saw me at my storage unit, where it turns out he rents too, and expected to have sex in the bathroom there. I managed to stop it before things went too far. Then there was the time I happened to see him in the park and he suddenly gave me a hug but also squeezed my rear for anyone who was looking to see.  He seems to want to give other men the impression I'm his...

More months went by and one day I saw him at the park where I sometimes walk at lunch. He offered me a ride back to work and I thought what the heck. Well, he pulled over in a parking lot and all of a sudden he was masturbating. I wasn't participating and I kept saying "Stop it. Let's get out of here. We could be arrested!" Finally a man was looking at the car and he said "He just wants to watch!" I insisted we leave.

Let's say he's just full of surprises.

More time went by. The last time I saw him I was walking down the street and heard someone calling "Hey Little Girl!"  He was in his van. (He has two cars and a van.) He didn't remember my name and I'm no little girl and he wanted me to get in. I kept walking and did not get in. I remembered the time I got into the van and he wanted me to get into the back.

I haven't responded to his texts or e-mails that say things like "I'm worried about you." 

I don't want his friendship. I actually feel ashamed of myself for being a mature woman who was fooled. But ever since that day where he called out "Hey Little Girl", thinking back on remarks he made like that he was having too much "fun" and was in his van sleeping in the next town for a week even he has an apartment in our town. I have this sick gut feeling that he might be driving around and trying to pick up females, who he will get sexual with, that he may molest or rape, since he is either always seductive or doesn't get no right away.

Is there anything I can do? I mean to have him checked out?

Nance

Los Angeles County

ADVICE FROM MISSY

Nance, 

I don't know if he's a sexual predator in general or focused on underaged girls or simply thinks he is seductive and adventurous but you are far from comfortable with him. That discomfort has translated to a suspicion that he may actually be picking up women in his van and that "Hey Little Girl" could be that he's preying up women, offering rides, even very young girls. I get it. Chances are the way he has been with you is the way he's been with other women.

I suggest you block his phone number and e-mail without any commentary or response. We think he just wants to assure himself you're still in his life in some way. 

We also think that should you run into him again and he asks if he can give you a ride or whatever, keep saying no. 

We get the small town aspect of this. Telling him you're involved with someone else - lying basically - can backfire on you because there might be a good man who is interested you and a healthy relationship who might hear you have a boyfriend when you don't. If you see him, therefore, and he is any way wants to reconnect, just be simple and say, "I'm not available." If he presses you say you have moved on. Don't give details or make up a boyfriend who does not exist.

As for reporting him to the authorities, other than your own experience, which you as an adult female participated in, you have no proof. We are strong knowing that even a husband, steady boyfriend, or date can be a rapist. What we don't know is if perhaps he actually has a prior record. I ran a search on Google using the terms Los Angeles and Sexual Predator and I see there may be someone to talk to about your suspicions. 

Maybe someone who knows more about this can talk with you and refer you?

DHS GOV - HOW TO REPORT  

***

Call the Los Angeles Police Department's non-emergency number at (877) 275-5273 to report an individual who abused you and to press charges, if applicable. Call and ask if there is anyone local you can speak to in the sex crimes unit.

***

THIS IS THE NATIONAL SEX OFFENDER WEB SITE. You can possibly use it to see if he has been convicted in the past!

NSOPW GOV (SEX OFFENDER LOOK UP)

Next time you meet a man who interests you, meet up with him a number of times in a brief and friendly way, such as having coffee, or in a group of friends, before you spend time just the two of you, and allow some time before you go past the goodbye kiss. It's not about being old fashioned or conservative, it's about being self protective.

Missy

PS: Check out Cassandra Peterson's book Yours Cruelly Elvira and the month I dedicated to her!

November 2023

THE THEFT OF CHOICE : SPECIAL EDITION of MISTRESS MANIFESTO  FEATURING CASSANDRA PETERSON 

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SOME WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR "FRIEND" WANTS TO UPGRADE TO "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS"

SOME WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR "FRIEND" 

WANTS TO UPGRADE TO "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS"

"Nothing" has happened yet. 

How do you tell that your friend wants to change your relationship to include sex?

You may have read other posts where I said that I don't believe in "friends with benefits," hooking up, or sleeping around. I don't because I believe it's true that an individual has only so much "libidinal energy" and that using some or all of it with a person or persons who do not want to have a deeper or more meaningful relationship with you is a misuse of that energy and will make you loose focus. If you want a partnership your dating should be goal oriented. However, you may not have my values at this time in your life. (My values have changed too over time.) You may feel in need of an adventure or an alternative relationship. Sometimes a friendship evolves into a different, more romantic relationship or you may loose the "friends with benefits" relationship completely when the sexual aspect of it ends.

Here's my list:

He uses sexy jokes to test your interest. Sexy joking can be a test. (If you blush you may be embarrassed or shocked. That is not a good sign. Or you might think the joke is funny and find yourself laughing at it and that will encourage him to tell more.) Ask yourself if he's making these jokes when you're the only audience or if it's just the guys entertaining each other and you happen to be "one of the guys" at that time.

He's interested in knowing if when you use the term "friend" when talking about another man, that includes sexuality. In other words, since he is your "friend" does that mean he has a chance? Be sure that he knows that when you use the term friend you mean platonic (no sex) friendship, if that's true. You might say something like "When I say friend, I mean platonic friend. No sex." You might also define how you use the term "boyfriend." Some people think boyfriend means lover.

He makes a point of telling you look nice, pretty, beautiful, or sexy. A friend can think so and giving and receiving compliments can be nice, but what he's communicating is that he's taking special interest in how you look and has been observing your body. This may extend to comments such as "I've never seen you wear the same outfit twice." or "That jewelry is perfect for you, the way it accents your neck." (He didn't say accents your dress.) Unless he's in fashion, most men are not so observant of what you wear.

He takes gentlemanly body language a little further. A touch to your back as he walks with you can be a protective gesture and some men simply feel that's their role as an escort. A light touch on your forearm is generally thought of as informal and in the safe zone. If you're on a hike and going up a hill and it looks like you need help, he may offer or take your hand and then the hand hold is dropped when you get to safety. But a man who is feeling attracted to you, even when he considered public displays of affection to be avoided, may simply walk a little too close to you such as in the shoulder-bag range. He may also stand a little closer to you and in front of you in what I call the pre-hug phase rather than to your side. (Is he close enough that he could easily pull you towards him?) 

He may also make eye contact with you a little longer and solidly than "just a friend."  

Sometimes you just cannot be friends with a certain man, the vibe is just not platonic. If you think this may be true at the start. you may be feeling interested in him. Would it be better to wait and see if this turns into a romance?

Think!

What do you want out of life?

Is what you want realistic? (Make that judgement for the now and for the future, as best you can.)

Are you willing and able to have sex with someone you're not that into AND be focused on another relationship?

Are the two of you being very careful, practicing safer sex and contraception? (Are you together enough to go get tested together?)

What if you fall in love and he does not? Or he falls in love with you but you are only interested in the friendship?

How often do you talk to or get together with your friend?  What kind of things do you do together?

Does he care about you and what's happening in your life? Or is he mostly talking about sex? (Talking about sex can include quizzing you about your past relationships and sexual history.)

Does he invite you out or do you only get together for sex? Where do you get together? 

Who calls who?  How often?  Does he call you at the last minute or at short notice to get together or give you some time to decide and plan?

Are you home alone when he's dating someone else and how does that feel to you?

Are you a secret, someone he does not include in his friendship circles?  Is he your secret?  Why?

If you had an emergency could you call him to help you?

Missy

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HOW DOES THIS TOO SWEET MAN BREAK UP WITH THE WOMAN "FRIEND" WHO WON'T TAKE THE HINT

Question for Missy

Hi Missy,

I'm a disabled man in my sixties who can still function sexually but isn't interested in a relationship. I met a lady at the senior center who isn't disabled and have been friends with her for about two years.  At about the year and a half point she started to come on to me.  About six months ago it was her birthday and she said she wanted to have sex with me for her birthday.  I told her no.  I was married for over 30 years and haven't had sex with anyone since my wife died. I told her that.  I still love my wife and always will.  Also I told this woman to stop calling me so much.  Her therapist told her also that she wasn't listening to me when I told her I just wanted the friendship.  I told her that by text, by e-mail, and when we talk. She backed off for a while but the other day we were sitting in the park together and she asked me why I wouldn't have sex with her.  I think I've said it a lot of different ways.  She also says it's not just about sex and that she loves me and would marry me. How do I get her to take the hint?

Roger

Los Angeles

Answer from Missy

Wow Roger, that is a whole lot of not taking the hint. Roger, I think this woman is sexually obsessed with you and you're like a a "love drug" to her.  

You've never had sex with her though she has been after you for it and it sounds like you've been clear with her verbally. Now you must also, through your actions, break with her firmly and consistently. You have to tell her one final time that the two of you are just not on the same page. And this might mean not seeing her around the senior center too.  Are you willing to do that?

If you call her, call her back, or see her for any reason - just the two of you - she will get a dose of her "love drug" and she will not give up on you.

Here are some suggestions:

Even at the senior center be sure that you are not alone with her. Sit with other people at lunch, for instance.

Suggest to her when you do break with her that she join a dating club to meet someone more to her liking.

If you have a friend who you honestly think might make a good companion for her, introduce them.

Your message in Comments, which I do not publish for the Questions and Answers aspect of Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot, also indicates that you hate to lie. I want to suggest that gentle honesty is the best policy, however, because I think she is addicted to you and obsessed, and I've had women friends who were obsessed with men in the past, I know that the slightest suggestion of interest in her would be enough to keep that obsession going. The slightest.  She has a therapist to work with, which is a good thing.

But while musing about how to answer your question, I found a hilarious article on the net that I'm going to link to here.  It's so funny I laughed all the way through.  To you, and my readers, I suggest you click on this link and read this!  It's from GQ magazine and by writer Victoria Coren from 2015.

British GQ MAGAZINE : 20 WAYS TO MAKE HER LEAVE YOU by Victoria Coren Mitchell

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TWO HEARTS

 

IS NON MONOGAMY FOR YOU?

HOW COURTESANS TOOK ON MALE PRIVILEDGE FOR THEMSELVES

One of the fascinating aspects of Katie Hickman's book about courtesans, which focuses on the women of England who came into this lifestyle, is her reportage on other aspects of a courtesan's lifestyle. She reports on finances, on contraception, and on the character and personalities and values of the successful courtesan.

Wilfrid Scawen Blunt moved on from his fraught relationship with Catherine Walters in Paris.  When it seemed that his association with Catherine would cause scandal, his boss removed him to another diplomatic post.  He was considered an eligible bachelor and even became the unsaid fiancee of a young woman whose parents approved of the match but, reminded of his love for Catherine and seeing how it compared for his feelings for this other woman, he was unable to make the proposal.

These excerpts from pages 308 and 309 have much to say:

"In many ways Blunt's behavior was not at all unusual for a man of his class and times.  The ability to separate what he himself would call "practical romance" from either idealized romance or sexual conquests was a perfectly acceptable way for a man to conduct his affairs, so long as he was discreet: and Blunt who later quite consciously made the decision to marry for money, saw no shame in it. ..."

***

He was aware of the double standard - one for men - another for women.

***

Page 309:  "It goes without saying that when women tried to emulate this masculine behavior it became an "immorality" for which society could not forgive them.  The only women who were in some measure outside these constraints were courtesans.  The penalties melted out by society could not touch the demi-monde (although some would say that being part of this shadowland , was the penalty) and as a social group they were thus almost uniquely free.

It was not just sexual chastity that was the issue here, but also, by extension, a woman's whole autonomy. Blunt, who in his way, was in many ways a forward thinker about women, never really blamed Catherine for her promiscuity, or even for the fact that she accepted money for it (although he did not like it).  His blame was for something altogether more subtle, something that he himself could barely articulate: the fact that she could accept him as a lover, but still desire to keep her independence from him. This was the really tormenting fact for him about their liaison. And it was this which, in his eyes, made her 'unvirtuous.'

Ask your self this question (and maybe you'll want to leave me a comment) :  Do you compartmentalize one relationship from another and why?

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SOPHIA BADDELEY: DISCONNECTED FROM THE REALITIES OF SPENDING AND TOOK ON MULTIPLE LOVERS ASIDE OF LORD MELBOURNE

Missy here!  Lord Melbourne continued to be Sophia's keeper, without any legal contract, generous but not obligated, and then slowly withdrew his presence and his money.  Mrs. Steele, who would someday write the memoir for Sophia Baddeley, tried to curb her spending without effect.  Sophia's fame had become a trap, a lifestyle in which she got no rest from her fans' attentions.  She felt hunted. Other men besides Lord Melbourne continued to declare their love or keep her, including noble men and ambassadors but what she seemed to want was her independence.  

Sophia was a shopaholic, using shopping to cope with her life.  She took to buying dozens of stockings, shoes, gloves, and other items as well as things that were of questionable need or value.  She ran up serious debt.

Page 64:  Sophia now had debts of more than 3000 pounds (180,000 pounds at the time the book was published in 2003).  Although she was still besieged by her admirers,it was not obvious even to her that Melbourne's passion was cooling.  To add to her problems, she found that she was pregnant... although she miscarried soon afterwards.  Nonetheless, the frantic pursuit of pleasure continued unabated. 'Our life was such a continued scene of bustle and dissipation,' wrote Mrs. Steele, ' that I wonder how she looked so well,'

Page 66: Money was not the only temptation in Sophia's way.  She was a woman of strong appetites in every respect.  While Lord Melbourne remained her official protector during this period, there was also a continual stream of unofficial lovers - mostly young officers and undergraduates, neither rich nor well connected - to whom Sophia was attracted for her own sake.  Even Mrs. Steele's disapproval could not keep them away entirely. If anything, this evidence of Sophia's view of her own sexuality as a source of pleasure - rather than just as a commodity to be bartered - was the cause of even greater tension between the two women than were the scores of amorous old aristocrats laying siege to her. 

***

Sophia lost Lord Melbourne.  Though she had been loyal to him in turning others away, she had overspent and was deeply in debt and faced selling her diamonds to make minimal payments.  She also caught him paying attention to another Courtesan who he had been with before his neglected marriage.  She returned to the stage after three years absence.  Her reputation and status were in decline and she had still had the shopaholic's addiction to spending and acquiring things. 

Pages 74-75:  Nonetheless, Sophia's status, in some indefinable way, had declined.  Although she was still receiving an extremely handsome salary - 7 pounds per week the following season, in which she opened as Olivia in Twelfth Night - it was by no means the dizzying sum she had commanded at the height of her powers.  Her desertion by Melbourne had left her vulnerable in areas other than merely financial ones.  Imperceptibly, the grayest of grey areas, the infinitely subtle line between a courtesan, with enough glamour and fashionable status to pick and choose her protectors, and a plain woman of the town (available to more or less anyone so long as the price was right), was slowly beginning to shift."

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TWO SUGARS FOR TEA

 

BIRDS DO IT - BEES DO IT

 

BRITISH LIBRARY on FANNY MURRAY BROADSIDES

BRITISH LIBRARY : UNTOLD LIVES : FANNY MURRAY PAGE  check it out!

Genteel and innocent...

As the "Careless Maid" showing off her legs.

The English must have been proud of her figure, for the text from the 18th century says that the French women wear clothes invented to hide their figures and no so the English.

I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN : JOHNNIE RAY

Johnnie Ray composed this song, as he had some others.  Said to be his last hit, the singing sensation almost always had a song on the charts in the 1950's. Had he and his music gone out of style because the era of rock and roll was coming in, with Elvis Presley?  Or had he dodged many a controversy because of his sexuality?  Or was it a combination of all these things, and his drinking?  

UNHEALTHY LOVE TRIANGLE or HEALTHY TRIAD? ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES ARE NOT AUTOMATIC EVIDENCE OF 'LOW SELF ESTEEM'

Any time you want to explore or being in an ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP, such as a Love Triangle or Triad,(notice I did not say Hate Triangle) you are bound to hear criticism. It seems to me that the Psychology Profession is as good as Fundamentalist Christianity in pushing for "normality,' that is heterosexual relationships in which there is one female with one male or sometimes homosexual ones that are one to on. Though stats show how many unions end in divorce, the goal is to be in this one plus one relationship forever. I dare say that because of the advice columns I read that are authored, usually by a woman therapist (since now a degree and profession license makes anyone an expert), who tells other women that the only reason they get into or accept being part of triad (such as being Kept or involved with a person married to someone else) is LOW SELF ESTEEM. (Can't we just call it Sin?)

I do not believe that. I would say that a person who is sharing a person with another person, who is being treated well, is better off than a person who has only one person to his or her self and is being abused in the relationship.  It would say it is better to be unmarried, single, alone- not lonely, and celibate, rather than be in a bad relationship for the sake of being in one. 

There IS such a thing as LOW SELF ESTEEM but it could be argued that STAYING IN DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS such as staying married or at a job where someone abuses you would be as much evidence or more. Further, maybe it's because women are more apt to ask for advice than men, but the advice I read in such columns does seem to be aimed at women more so than men.

Some men get abused in the workplace and in marriages and other relationships too and don't up and leave. But staying in is thought of as honorable, even the role of a man, evidence of masculinity, appraised as he is 'soldiering' on, doing his duty. So maybe what's being said is that what is honorable for men is dishonorable for women?

It's worth mentioning here that throughout history there have been what we call ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES which were simply considered to be normality at the time. We may not find we'd want to recreate what it was for a woman to live in Ancient Rome, or China before Communism, or to be the member of certain African tribes where more than one wife was (and is) allowed and encouraged, but can we say that all those women had and have 'low self esteem?" We cannot.  

So is nonconformity 'low self esteem?'

One recent advice column I read suggested that a woman who is 'in love' with two men at the same time has a Personality Disorder and is only looking for grief. Excuse me? Human beings seem to be so capable of various forms of hatred as we observe man's inhumanity to man - war - violence - but not various forms of love?  

As for Personality Disorders, they do exist, but I happen to know a couple who have celebrated over 50 years of marriage together, getting the praise of their church and their community, who privately live an extremely screwed up life. Their children and grandchildren are the same. Neither of these people have any friends outside of the marriage, which must seem to be too threatening for them. There's always drama over there. It's difficult to even visit them for all the screaming and yelling, arguing, and emotional blackmail they can't even control while having a visitor. I go home to recoup after a visit with them. 

You can so love more than one person at a time.  I'll bet you already do. Consider the love of parents or other relatives, your best friends, your students or classmates, your children, people at your club, your pets (I do think they are persons, sentient beings) and the very many ways there are to love! 

Sometimes it is more difficult to CHOOSE because you feel such pressure to CHOOSE. The entire world is set up for two people to partner. Or someone in the Triad feels forced to so that imbalances things. No doubt about that pressure.  Which is why so many people choose also not to tell their boss, their parents, their relatives, their children, even their minister or priest.  They don't want to hear it. They should, however, be able to trust so they can confide in a therapist.

Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW THAT ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES are MINORITY LIFESTYLES. And like many a minority, living against the social conventions that dominate, you may need support. The support is supposed to come from a therapist who is NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO LIVE, but HELPING YOU DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. (And if one of them is diagnosing you, billing an insurance company, and not telling YOU what the diagnosis is, well, would an MD do this? Is their professional opinion none of your business? That's disrespectful of you.)

Psychology is interesting. We know a whole lot more about it than we used to. Here's the thing about labels such as diagnosis. Sometimes they're helpful, sometimes they are just traps.  

Sometimes it's best to fire your therapist. And when they spew their PERSONAL OPINIONS or AGENDA based on the notion that they are trained as THERAPISTS and thus authorities in your life, well, something is amiss there.

It's my opinion that if you feel you need therapy because of an ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE, it may be best to seek someone who is practicing in the LGBTQ community, who has experience with Alternative Lifestyles.

Missy

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NATALIE CLIFFORD BARNEY and THE COURTESAN LIANE DE POUGY WHO OUTED HER IN A PUBLISHED BOOK

Though as a very young woman circa 1898, Natalie Clifford Barney had already had sexual encounters with other women before this, it was a married model named Carmen Rossi who turned her into an "exquisite lover." She was inspired to become a 'poet of love' for there was something of the great romantic in her at the time and she wished to seduce a women's mind, body and soul. Carmen and Natalie went around Paris having a good time, attending both low and high entertainment, and one of the highs was witnessing and participating in the rides around the Bois de Boulogne, where the rich especially showed off their gorgeous carriages, horses, and wore the latest fashions. One day while Natalie was making the round herself with a male companion, she sighted Liane de Pougy in that procession and was immediately intrigued. Her friend told her Liane was "just a courtesan.'" She might not have known what that meant at the time and when she did understand she did not like the idea.

Around this time Natalie began to further define her sexuality and the role she would play in seductions. She embraced her lesbianism and also realized that she could not be faithful to just one woman, that she craved variety. She became a seductress and began to proposition women she found attractive, even approaching strangers. If the woman said no firmly, Natalie would let them alone. If the woman seemed a little hesitant to reject her, she would go into full-on pursuit mode, sending flowers and poetry, doing whatever she could to wear down that person's resistance. However, once she succeeded, she lost interest.

That was not the case with Liane de Pougy, who she pursued strategically, watching the procession daily until it appeared that the latest reported conquest had gone his way. Natalie disguised herself first by using the name Florance Temple Bradford so that she could remain a mystery. She sent flowers daily and little notes to intrigue the woman into meeting her. When finally, the day came to reveal herself and meet Liane in person, she arrived dressed in a costume of a Knight, there to rescue a damsel in distress. Was Liane in need of rescue?

Natalie was still corresponding with her unofficial fiancée Robert Kelso Cassatt, and he too was enabling Natalie's affairs, helping her sneak around. Natalie was always looking for places she could meet women to have sex since she was still living with her parents. Cassatt was heterosexual and at one point she even went with him to the Folies Berger and Maxims to select a prostitute for his satisfaction. However, an experience that challenged that notion that he could accept a White Marriage with her occurred. The other woman arrived to their private dining area in a restaurant where the waiters knew to leave the food aside and stay away. Though he immediately left, he could not resist watching. She later blamed him for doing so, but the man was shaken.

Natalie wanted Liane to leave the Courtesan life. Liane's friends, especially her mentor Valtesse de la Bigne, were opposed to that idea. Valtesse reminded Liane that a Courtesan could have a few weeks with another woman, but she risked losing clientele. There was always someone else ready to take her place as the number one Courtesan in Paris.

At the time there were about forty successful, rich Courtesans who were well known by the public -celebrities. Liane was called The Divine, The Queen of Love, The Pearl, and the Sultana of Sex.  Her image was in photos, on postcards and posters.  She was in the press.

Liane was considered regal, elegant, intelligent, and accomplished. She spoke English and Spanish as well as French fluently. She also played the guitar and piano well and rode a horse with style. She had no talent for acting or singing but her presence in a production meant a sold-out house. She would eventually write seven novels that were not considered to be literary, but they sold, and one play as well as her My Blue Notebooks, a diary.  Could she really give his all up?

Natalie thought so. She realized though that she would have to support Liane financially. She was still getting handouts from her father. What she was supposed to do is get married and get her dowry. Going against her principals, she wrote to Robert Kelso Cassatt and said she was ready to marry him.  She never heard back.  He had moved on and married a heterosexual woman.

Liane published a book called Idylle Saphique, a tell all about her affair with Natalie.  Natalie knew about the book having read drafts and contributed a chapter. The book, published in 1901, had all the real people's names changed to protect the guilty, including her own name and Natalie's. However, the public was wise to who was who.  Natalie wasn't entirely happy with the book's depiction of her, yet she gave out copies of it for years.

Finally, the rumors were so strong that Natalie was lesbian that her father heard about it.  He was enraged and made her promise she would never see Liane again. 

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The primary reference for this post is Wild Heart by Suzanne Rodriguez.  My notes were taken especially from pages 74, 75, 87, 90,100-101.  It's a wonderful book!

THE ABORTION BAN : MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH

The United States Supreme Court announced the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the 1973 law that made abortion legal in the entire United States. I was not aware that many states already had in place laws that basically say, "We follow whatever the Federal laws are, so now abortion is illegal here too."  I expected states to take time to make decisions.

Looking at maps provided by The Wall Street Journal and other media, I see the West Coast states will maintain legal abortion, some on the Eastern seaboard that we call New England, and there is a smattering also of states that will continue to provide services. 

This article from The Guardian is excellent with details and a map: THE GUARDIAN WORLD: ABORTION DESERTS MAP CLINICS

If you are pregnant and especially if you are poor, you will be forced to endure, possibly die, or pull off travel to another state for an abortion and this article above estimates just how many miles that might be; sometimes a 12 hour trip.  (If you're reading this in another country, perhaps think of this is a pregnant woman having to go to another country where she does not have medical insurance to pay for the abortion. She must come up with travel, lodging, and cash for the operation, possibly taking time off from work or caring for her existing children too. She may have to go alone and recover alone as well.)

I know this will be impossible for many women in these states and so they will go back to the dangers of illegal abortion, with some actually facing prison for doing so. This is barbaric and so we have Supreme Court Justices who are barbaric.  It's a fact : They are Republicans.  Recently someone pointed out to me that the honored President Abraham Lincoln was Republican.  Well, the party has changed. They don't make Republicans like they used to.  I frankly think that many of us are suffering the double whamy of a Trump Presidency and Covid-19.

Sometimes I just don't think anti-abortion protesters are facing reality. One pregnancy in five in the United States was terminated in 2020. Nature intended sex and nature intended pregnancy.  Nature does not pay the rent.

ASSOCIATED PRESS  Excerpt : The report from the Guttmacher Institute, a research group that supports abortion rights, counted more than 930,000 abortions in the U.S. in 2020. 

This number was up from the previous year: Covid 19 likely had something to do with this. Women/ families/the nation were facing economic pressures due to lay offs and financial uncertainty.  (And so were the men involved, at least the ones who were responsible.)

Today we see that violence has erupted, that there are absolutely murderous anti-abortion people out there who belong in prison.  Deep irony in that. 

The conflict is between the idealists and the realists. The idealists depend on a mythological past we cannot go back to and probably don't want to go back to if we could. 

I say, end all sex trafficking.  End rape.  End forced marriage.

Make all wages paid out livable income - better yet income that will provide for as many children as nature intends because nature is a bitch and does not care if women die like they used to, worn out from pregnancy and birthing and caring for all those children.

Make sure that all children are born into healthy, stable, and sane partnerships in which one partner does not have to earn income and can stay at home to raise the children, even home-school them. Make sure that no parent dies before all their children are adults who are self-supporting.

While you're at it, make sure there is no sex until marriage and all marriages are made in heaven and last. 

Make sure that everyone who wants to go to college can and that there are appropriate jobs for all those college educated people.

Oh, and by the way, make sure everyone is a Christian, preferably a fundamentalist.

You, my reader either already know what I'm saying or you get it.

This is NOT the world we live in, not our reality.

There are very many issues to address and so much change that is needed but these last few years have been especially challenging and difficult. It's not that abortion is a sacrament, it's that only women -those who have wombs - can become pregnant and have abortions and so very much work and responsibility is on us. We are vulnerable.

Missy

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ABORTION AS A HUMAN RIGHT : OPINION by MISSY

I'm for CHOICE of ABORTION. It's a choice very many women have made, sometimes under pressure from the man, or family, or simply economic pressure, sometimes because the woman herself knew she was not up to carrying, birthing, or raising another human being to adulthood, at least not based on what she knew of her life at the time. I'm for choice of abortion because of rape and incest, especially of women and girls who are unable to make their own choices due to age, innocence or ignorance, or because they are of low intelligence, or some other factor. Because of sex trafficking and abduction. Because a pregnancy should never be a punishment for being the victim of predators or violence.

I'm for planning - to not have children at all - to the number and spacing of wanted children; however I know that contraception, even the pill, is not 100% guaranteed. I've met those women who got pregnant despite using contraception. A friend of mine has a cousin who had three children and got her tubes tied and still got pregnant again...They joked about the fertility of her family.

I've seen the photos of aborted fetus.  I've seen the photo of a woman who was left to bleed to death in a hotel room where an illegal abortion had been performed on her. I know she had to have been desperate.  Men are almost always involved in the impregnation, if not the decision. Men who do not want a child have been known to assume that the woman would abort if she got pregnant or to hand her cash to go have it done. 

Yet, as difficult as it is to admit, there are so many children who were born unwanted, children whose parents cannot provide for them, children whose parents are irresponsible, so we also must ask ourselves about the pain that person experiences growing up in such circumstances.

It's still complicated and difficult. Yet, I've met those who said an abortion was an easy decision if not an easy experience.

One young woman who is on the pill after having been raped by a stranger, showed me her contraceptive pills as well as the abortion pills she was sent home with from a clinic, telling me she had been advised to take them immediately should she have unprotected sex -wanted or unwanted - again.  (This I wondered about. It seemed excessive to me.) Abortion pills causing an early miscarriage taken at home are not without pain, but apparently not as dangerous as waiting and having a surgical procedure. They became available in the year 2000.  I do wonder what hormones given for any condition including menopause do to the body.  The longer the wait for any form of abortion, the more dangerous it is.

I believe that today everyone but those who intend pregnancy, cooperatively, should be using protection, to not only avoid pregnancy, but SIDS, including HIV, herpes, and chlamydia. This in itself should significantly cut down on the numbers of people having to face THE CHOICE. I'm sure that drinking or drugging to the point where you have a 'what the hell' attitude about unprotected sex is stupidity - if you're smart enough to be stupid. So I question how often the need for abortion started with an unwillingness or inability to obtain and use contraception.

What I think people are reacting to is that in the years since the 1973 Roe Versus Wade decision, medical science has improved to the point where surgery can be done on a fetus before birth.  Babies who were once doomed because they were born just so premature are being kept alive and eventually thrive. So the question of when conscious and viable life begins is there.  As a result, I think there may be some determination that abortion past a certain point in fetal development be illegal.  However, that illegality will once again push such surgeries into the hands of those who do so illegally and dangerously.  (Along with the medical doctors with training who have provided abortions for those who can afford it all along.)

My understanding is that the Supreme Court was considering not banning abortion, but moving that decision from a federal decision back to the individual states' decision. It would be much more difficult for the states to return that decision back to the Supreme Court. 

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Update June 24, 2022  My understanding is now that the Supreme Court of the United States did overturn abortion and that did automatically end abortion in states where there was a "trigger" response.  I was unaware that states had this in place.  Looking at the map, I'm glad to see that states along the West Coast and some in what we call New England, still provide.  However I will post in another place about this.

DID A POLYAMOROUS POLYNESIAN HISTORY ACCOUNT FOR JANE LAHILAHI'S TAKE ON LIFE?

(Why does it seem that POLYAMOUOROUS relationships are considered to be either PRIMATIVE/ INDIGENOUS or EXTREMELY MODERN?)

POLYNESIA refers to Islands in the Pacific, some which are thousands of miles from others.  The Hawaiian Island chain, which formed due to volcanic eruption, is one of the largest group of Islands in the Pacific and considered to be extreme northern Polynesia. Speculation on how it is that groups of people managed to arrive there in canoes hundreds of years ago, goes on.

Culturally, the ancient Hawaiians practiced POLYAMORY - at least the term means LOVING MORE THAN ONE PARTNER.

In about 1820, however, Christian missionaries began to think Hawaii just might be the next place to convert the "natives." Following whaler boats and merchant ships, the missionaries of many faiths - Catholic, Mormon (Latter Day Saints), and various Protestant groups showed up, keen to establish missions and save souls from their Pagan ways.

What did they find?

According to multiple sites I referenced, Pre-Christian Hawaiians of both genders enjoyed the right to begin or end a sexual relationships, so we'd consider the women to be liberated in that way.  If you were Royal, a Chief or Chieftess, you had a marriage ceremony.  For common people being married was perhaps only understood as being someone's primary or longest held relationship. The birth of a child required a bit more celebration. Polygyny was normal for Chiefs, but not so much for the commoners. That might have had something to do with who was expected to raise or afford to raise a child, but everyone was living in extended family groups and raised children together, again blurring the definition of who is family for Westerners.  Neither matriarchal or patriarchal when it came to who went to live where, it was a pragmatic decision. Men, however, seemed to be the ones who owned land so I can imagine a man had say on who would be living on it.

I found the following site to be especially interesting: RANKERCOM' LOVE AND SEX IN ANCIENT HAWAII (PRE CHRISTIAN) by Rachel Souerbry

EXCERPTS:  

Siblings married frequently, all for the purpose of producing offspring with the most MANA or DIVINE LIFE FORCE.

Hi,uwai is a celebration held during the Hawaiian month of Weiehu, which cooresponds to the time period much of the world knows as November. Hi'uwai consists of a frenzied, splashing bath in the sea from midnight until daybreak, followed by a grand feast the next day.

Although the event is not overtly sexual, one observer in 1830 wrote that with all of the excitement the lavish and beautiful objects people had adorned themselves with, and the darkness all around, people became "attracted" to each other.

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SHOULD HE TELL HIS WIFE THAT HE'S BISEXUAL AND HELPING ANOTHER MAN FINANCIALLY? OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

I thought I was happily married for years and then I met "Roger." Roger races cars.  He takes risks I couldn't.  He needed sponsorship and I provided it, with my wife's knowledge.  Then it turned into something more, something unexpected.  I still enjoy sex with my wife.  With Roger I'm careful. I can afford to help him financially, so from my own income I've been helping him more.  I'm in love with two people in two different ways.  What am I going to do? 

Down Low in Memphis

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Off to therapy you go, but you'll have to find a therapist who specializes in sexuality.  I know you're feeling really intense and maybe you're going to have two enduring relationships or maybe you just think so and will someday look back and think of Roger as an experiment.

These days lots of people, especially young people, experiment with their sexuality,  Maybe you never did.  My point is that I don't think one relationship with someone of the same gender proves you're bisexual or homosexual, not necessarily.  I think exploring in a qualified therapist's office may make things easier on you. 

For some people there is the "a - HA!" moment when they just know.  For instance one of my women friends told me that when she was 5 she saw another girl on the playground and felt an attraction. The girl was interested in the boys playing basketball so my friend decided she should be a boy and play basketball.  Today she considers herself bisexual but 90% of her relationships are with men, and she says that because she wants children that works for her. Being bi-sexual does not mean you have to have two people in your life at one time.

As for the money issue, my opinion is that if all the money in the marriage is split by the two people in it, each should get to spend some of their "own" money as they want to.  However, most married people seem to keep track of their spouses spending.  At some point I think you will probably have to make a decision to stay or go or have both people in your life, if they both agree. Your wife deserves to know of this change in your relationship with her, because she agreed to be married to one person, and makes her own decision about how she wants to live her life, with or without you.  I think you may want to include her in on your therapy sessions. 

I wish you the best.  Your situation isn't so unusual.

Missy


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LOVE and SEX IN INDIA : DOCUMENTARY FILM: MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

India is primarily Hindu, secondarily Muslim, and both religions arrange marriages.  This film is about just how rigid that system is.  It is illegal to send a private investigator out to ask questions, illegal to have abortions, and both dowries and the caste system is illegal.  However, investigators routinely go out to get dirt on a potential bride or groom, women have abortions - especially to be rid of female fetuses (femalicide) and so the proportion of women available for men to marry is shrinking. People who run away to marry someone they fell in love with that their parents do not approve because they are of a different caste, and severe physical punishments if they are caught happen.  It's inexpensive to buy acid to throw in a woman's face for refusing a groom and men can be beaten to death as well.  These "Honor Crimes" have their defenders and lawyers who will go to court to defend them. As a result there is, profiled in this documentary, a shelter where couples go and hide and a tiny room of a temple where they can be married.  That they eloped and it's a done deal does not mean either of them will ever see their family again.

So, if you, like me, have studied yoga, and are of the opinion that India is a very spiritual country, well, it's also a difficult one to live in if you are a modern woman, one that doesn't believe in love as a reason for marriage.  Despite the Kuma Sutra sex position manuals and romantic Bollywood movies, sex - even kissing - is not allowed before marriage.  A woman without a husband has no status. 

And perhaps the biggest taboo of all is homosexuality, although transgender people - considered the 3rd sex and mystical - are accepted. 

All very sad, very distressing.

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WHAT'S YOUR LOVESTYLE?

What's YOUR lovestyle?

One person at a time?  or not?

HER HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN FRIEND MARRIED A GAY MAN : IS BEING BAD IN BED A CLUE?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy,

My best woman friend fell in love at 25 years old, married the man at 26, and by 27 found herself in a no-sex marriage.  This man will say or do anything to avoid having sex with her.  The reason he uses the most is that they are not ready to have children. I won't go into the details, but it's my opinion he's gay and married her as a cover.

So, other than trying to be supportive of my friend as she tries to figure out if she wants to stay or leave this marriage, what this has to do with me is that I had a relationship a couple years ago and the sex was bad.  We were both young and inexperienced and so I thought that was why.  After a couple months I wasn't into it and stopped dating that man. I recently heard he came out as gay. I got into another relationship and the sex was bad again. That time I didn't waste any time keeping it going.

My big questions is, if a man who is supposed to be heterosexual is bad in bed, is it because really he's gay?

Lizbeth,

Montana


ANSWER FROM MISSY

Lizbeth,

I always thought Montana was full of macho-type cowboys but you've got me wondering it they are gay cowboys!

There are many reasons why two people who are attractive enough to each other to go to bed then discover it just doesn't work between them.  And depending what the problem is, it could be one thing or another.  I figure if a couple have a whole lot going for them other than sex and want to stay in a relationship, going to a sex therapist together is a good idea. A sex therapist can probably give some great advice, having heard it all.

However, now that I've personally had more than one women friend discover they are dating or married to a gay men, and I know the heartbreak that discovery caused them, and the insecurity about their attractiveness that lead to revenge affairs, and so much else, well.  Shooting from the hip, so to speak, I think yes, a man who is bad in bed with women may just not be attracted to the women or women in general. He may be hoping he's not gay.  He may not know he's gay.  He may actually be bisexual but more turned on by men.

Don't waste your time teaching him to perform what is not natural for him, that's what I think.  He may be lazy, he may be bored, he may be selfish.  He may be gay.

Here are some of the things that were reported to me as these women friends tried to sort out what was wrong.

X wanted to have sex in a way that does not require a woman's body.
Y seemed to have phobias about germs but also bodily fluids.
V noticed that the man when he encountered her parts above belt, would use the flat of his hand as if she were flat-chested. She later imagined him using his hand like that on his best buddy.
W claimed the only part of her body he was attracted to was her behind.  He humiliated her by saying so to his men friends while she stood there.
G's man had her running to a doctor to see if she was normal after he made some specific complaints about something that the doctor said was just ridiculous.
R called his long time best friend to talk to him every day when he and my woman friend were supposed to be on their first vacation trip together and the sex was bad.

For all the men who are "out" there are still some who are not.

Missy



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