UNHEALTHY LOVE TRIANGLE or HEALTHY TRIAD? ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES ARE NOT AUTOMATIC EVIDENCE OF 'LOW SELF ESTEEM'

Any time you want to explore or being in an ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIP, such as a Love Triangle or Triad,(notice I did not say Hate Triangle) you are bound to hear criticism. It seems to me that the Psychology Profession is as good as Fundamentalist Christianity in pushing for "normality,' that is heterosexual relationships in which there is one female with one male or sometimes homosexual ones that are one to on. Though stats show how many unions end in divorce, the goal is to be in this one plus one relationship forever. I dare say that because of the advice columns I read that are authored, usually by a woman therapist (since now a degree and profession license makes anyone an expert), who tells other women that the only reason they get into or accept being part of triad (such as being Kept or involved with a person married to someone else) is LOW SELF ESTEEM. (Can't we just call it Sin?)

I do not believe that. I would say that a person who is sharing a person with another person, who is being treated well, is better off than a person who has only one person to his or her self and is being abused in the relationship.  It would say it is better to be unmarried, single, alone- not lonely, and celibate, rather than be in a bad relationship for the sake of being in one. 

There IS such a thing as LOW SELF ESTEEM but it could be argued that STAYING IN DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS such as staying married or at a job where someone abuses you would be as much evidence or more. Further, maybe it's because women are more apt to ask for advice than men, but the advice I read in such columns does seem to be aimed at women more so than men.

Some men get abused in the workplace and in marriages and other relationships too and don't up and leave. But staying in is thought of as honorable, even the role of a man, evidence of masculinity, appraised as he is 'soldiering' on, doing his duty. So maybe what's being said is that what is honorable for men is dishonorable for women?

It's worth mentioning here that throughout history there have been what we call ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES which were simply considered to be normality at the time. We may not find we'd want to recreate what it was for a woman to live in Ancient Rome, or China before Communism, or to be the member of certain African tribes where more than one wife was (and is) allowed and encouraged, but can we say that all those women had and have 'low self esteem?" We cannot.  

So is nonconformity 'low self esteem?'

One recent advice column I read suggested that a woman who is 'in love' with two men at the same time has a Personality Disorder and is only looking for grief. Excuse me? Human beings seem to be so capable of various forms of hatred as we observe man's inhumanity to man - war - violence - but not various forms of love?  

As for Personality Disorders, they do exist, but I happen to know a couple who have celebrated over 50 years of marriage together, getting the praise of their church and their community, who privately live an extremely screwed up life. Their children and grandchildren are the same. Neither of these people have any friends outside of the marriage, which must seem to be too threatening for them. There's always drama over there. It's difficult to even visit them for all the screaming and yelling, arguing, and emotional blackmail they can't even control while having a visitor. I go home to recoup after a visit with them. 

You can so love more than one person at a time.  I'll bet you already do. Consider the love of parents or other relatives, your best friends, your students or classmates, your children, people at your club, your pets (I do think they are persons, sentient beings) and the very many ways there are to love! 

Sometimes it is more difficult to CHOOSE because you feel such pressure to CHOOSE. The entire world is set up for two people to partner. Or someone in the Triad feels forced to so that imbalances things. No doubt about that pressure.  Which is why so many people choose also not to tell their boss, their parents, their relatives, their children, even their minister or priest.  They don't want to hear it. They should, however, be able to trust so they can confide in a therapist.

Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW THAT ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES are MINORITY LIFESTYLES. And like many a minority, living against the social conventions that dominate, you may need support. The support is supposed to come from a therapist who is NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO LIVE, but HELPING YOU DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. (And if one of them is diagnosing you, billing an insurance company, and not telling YOU what the diagnosis is, well, would an MD do this? Is their professional opinion none of your business? That's disrespectful of you.)

Psychology is interesting. We know a whole lot more about it than we used to. Here's the thing about labels such as diagnosis. Sometimes they're helpful, sometimes they are just traps.  

Sometimes it's best to fire your therapist. And when they spew their PERSONAL OPINIONS or AGENDA based on the notion that they are trained as THERAPISTS and thus authorities in your life, well, something is amiss there.

It's my opinion that if you feel you need therapy because of an ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE, it may be best to seek someone who is practicing in the LGBTQ community, who has experience with Alternative Lifestyles.

Missy

C 2023  Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

DID A POLYAMOROUS POLYNESIAN HISTORY ACCOUNT FOR JANE LAHILAHI'S TAKE ON LIFE?

(Why does it seem that POLYAMOUOROUS relationships are considered to be either PRIMATIVE/ INDIGENOUS or EXTREMELY MODERN?)

POLYNESIA refers to Islands in the Pacific, some which are thousands of miles from others.  The Hawaiian Island chain, which formed due to volcanic eruption, is one of the largest group of Islands in the Pacific and considered to be extreme northern Polynesia. Speculation on how it is that groups of people managed to arrive there in canoes hundreds of years ago, goes on.

Culturally, the ancient Hawaiians practiced POLYAMORY - at least the term means LOVING MORE THAN ONE PARTNER.

In about 1820, however, Christian missionaries began to think Hawaii just might be the next place to convert the "natives." Following whaler boats and merchant ships, the missionaries of many faiths - Catholic, Mormon (Latter Day Saints), and various Protestant groups showed up, keen to establish missions and save souls from their Pagan ways.

What did they find?

According to multiple sites I referenced, Pre-Christian Hawaiians of both genders enjoyed the right to begin or end a sexual relationships, so we'd consider the women to be liberated in that way.  If you were Royal, a Chief or Chieftess, you had a marriage ceremony.  For common people being married was perhaps only understood as being someone's primary or longest held relationship. The birth of a child required a bit more celebration. Polygyny was normal for Chiefs, but not so much for the commoners. That might have had something to do with who was expected to raise or afford to raise a child, but everyone was living in extended family groups and raised children together, again blurring the definition of who is family for Westerners.  Neither matriarchal or patriarchal when it came to who went to live where, it was a pragmatic decision. Men, however, seemed to be the ones who owned land so I can imagine a man had say on who would be living on it.

I found the following site to be especially interesting: RANKERCOM' LOVE AND SEX IN ANCIENT HAWAII (PRE CHRISTIAN) by Rachel Souerbry

EXCERPTS:  

Siblings married frequently, all for the purpose of producing offspring with the most MANA or DIVINE LIFE FORCE.

Hi,uwai is a celebration held during the Hawaiian month of Weiehu, which cooresponds to the time period much of the world knows as November. Hi'uwai consists of a frenzied, splashing bath in the sea from midnight until daybreak, followed by a grand feast the next day.

Although the event is not overtly sexual, one observer in 1830 wrote that with all of the excitement the lavish and beautiful objects people had adorned themselves with, and the darkness all around, people became "attracted" to each other.

C 2021 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot 

METROSEXUAL? OR ARE YOU A GAY MAN WHO LIKES TO LOOK STRAIGHT?

A Meterosexual to me, is a man who you would think is Gay because of the way he does his hair (and maybe his makeup), his clothes, his shoes.  He's immaculate and a woman might feel she would have to match his obsession with looks and fashion to be of interest to him. He might, for instance, carry a bag that's not a backpack or a briefcase just like some gay men do but he's STRAIGHT!  (Or so he says.)  More officially, you might want to look at the site "It's pronounced metro-sexual" for a longer list of sexuality definitions...

IT'S PRONOUNCED METROSEXUAL : LGBTQ TERMS

EXCERPT:  MSM/WSW abbr: men who have sex with men or women who have sex with women, to distinguish sexual behaviors from sexual identities:" because a man is straight, it doesn't mean he.s not having sex with men.  Often used in the fiend of HIV/Aids education, prevention, and treatment.

(Is that clinical or am I more confused?)

HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH on SEXUALITY by COUNTRY

HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH ORG : INTERACTIVE on SEXUALITY by COUNTRY

Here in the United States people have rights that people in other countries only dream of.  Here is a report which HRW will keep updating, about the countries where sexuality other than heterosexuality is against the law and where people experience harassment and discrimination far more than most do here.

THE RESULTS OF A SEXUAL IDENTITY POLL? HUMAN EXPERIENCE IS INFINITE!

NEW YORK TIMES INTERACTIVE : POLL ON SEXUAL IDENTITY

The label you choose may also be about your GENERATION.  This site has terms categorized by BABY BOOMER,  GENERATION X,  MILLENNIALS, and GENERATION Z.

This site also has some information on non conforming gender or sexuality and suicide.  The more support we give young people who are in a stage of self discovery the better.

EXCERPT: At the same time, some gender nonbinary people say the term "bisexual" excludes them, and instead prefer "pansexual" even as some transgender men and women say that term invalidates their gender identity.  And many question whether asexuals deserve to be included in a community of minorities that face legal discrimination and violence.