FLOBELLE "BELLE" FAIRBANKS BURDEN : EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT HER DIVORCE MEMOIR TITLED "STRANGERS"

 

Everyone is talking about this memoir and it's controversial. Some commentators have the idea that it's outrageous that Belle, a woman who came from "old money" - American aristocracy out of New York City - dare reveal her pain. One commentator - a woman - said in so many words, how dare she feel bad about herself because she went through a divorce, Belle isn't wondering if she's going to have to sell the house and move into a small apartment or what sort of job she's going to have to work to support her children... She was also accused of writing for the purpose of revenge, rather than a need to express herself or process grief.

I remember the day I met a woman who was much richer than me. As we spoke she said, "Everyone has pain, including rich people." I agreed. I think how rare it is for a woman with her privileged background to reveal her truth. So very many people from her social-cultural group - men and women - friends and not so - went against her. Well educated, a lawyer who presently works pro bono on juvenile immigration cases (citizenship), a loving and responsible mother and wife, and an heiress with two substantial trust funds that allowed her to purchase two residents for her family - one in New York City - one on Martha's Vineyard island, Belle had a deep desire to remain married and have an intact marriage. She had witnessed her mother and grandmother's relationships with men. Both had infidelity in their relationships and protected the men. She wanted more and better.

Belle is eloquent and there are passages in the book that are beautiful as well as heart-rendering. She reveals the shock she felt and the many emotional and psychological - and eventually financial  and social - adjustments she had to make in order to get through a difficult time. She was deeply in love with her husband when he seemed to change overnight. 

A telephone message revealed that her husband was having an affair. He said it was brief, he said it was nothing, he said Belle - his wife and the mother of their three children - was his priority. But then he was out the door and didn't even want shared custody. On this, I would say that a man wanting freedom from fatherhood seems to be the worst of it.

Belle did not know if the woman she called her husband's "mistress" was or is still in his life. I simply do not think that a woman is a mistress because she had a brief affair with a man who is legally married at the time. She also does not understand what happened that her husband changed seemingly so drastically.

Although the husband of the woman Belle's husband had an extramarital relationship with might have well intended, I don't think he should have done that. Rather, I think

As for wives staying with husbands who have extramarital relationships - and actual mistresses - every individual has to decide that for themselves. I can say that many do. There are all sorts of agreements that people come to or negotiate in their relationships.

And as for her husband's only explanation being that something switched off in him, believe it or not, that does happen.  Perhaps it was actually happening slowly but the reckoning of it may be sudden. 

As my reader's know, I love to excerpt, but in this case, I will do only one.

Excerpt page 105:  (Belle wants to know more about The Other Woman. One of her daughters was given a name that doesn't match the name she was told, though he explains that it is the same woman.)

... "It was nit the alliterative one I knew, the name that had tormented me since he left, the one I googled multiple times a day, staring at her face on the screen, trying to understand why he had chosen her over me. In addition to having a profile on LinkedIn, she had posted three photos on Facebook - a vacation photo on a boat (her dark hair pushed back with sunglasses), a photograph of a tropical drink (served in a coconut and decorated with an orchid) and her profile photo (another vacation shot, this one at a zoon.) She was fifteen years younger than me, but not a younger version of me. We looked like the opposite of each other, in height, coloring, style.  I thought, he wants something different.

...

I had not reached out to the woman or her husband since the night of the voicemail and the ambulance. Her husband didn't text me or call me again either. An older friend, a lawyer, advised me against any contact.  He said, "It will become messy very quickly, and it will only lead to more misery. It could also, possible, make you look bad in front of a judge when you divorce."  His advice felt like a clear, defined path, one that felt dignified... "

Very many podcasts discuss this book. Here is one that focuses on the financial aspects" called

Thee Wall Street Skinny Ex-Morgan Stanley Bankers: "Strangers" by Belle Burden our HOT TAKE on the Real Finances

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SHOULD A MAN WHO BREAKS WITH A WOMAN WHO HE HAS BEEN SUPPORTING GIVE HER MONEY WHEN HE DOES?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Missy.

I've been the Mistress of a rich wall street broker for a year and a half. He moved me into an apartment six months ago. We aren't getting along. I want to break with him and he probably wants to break with me. I can't afford to move out. Do you think he ought to give me some money and how much?

Melissa in Manhattan

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hello Melissa,

Yes, I do think a rich man who has moved a Mistress into an apartment so that she could be there for him and who wishes to break with her should help her.  This is not severance from a job or a pension. It is because you once loved and you both gave it a go to see what might happen next. And when people love each other, they try to ease a break up. He well knows that you cannot afford to move out on your own and what your finances have been and are. It is good and right.

I suggest you have to have 'the talk' with the man and you have to get into it spontaneously, because no one likes to have 'the talk.'  (And yes, you can go to couple's counseling.) 

I think it would be reasonable for him to find another apartment for you that is affordable and pay for about six months of the rent, as well as money for the basics such as utilities and food. Hopefully you will be able to get work and independence by then.  I base that on how long you've been together. If it had been more years, more money.

Often a Mistress experiences an elevation in her lifestyle and it can be difficult to go back to what one came from. Whatever self-improvement or awareness you have obtained through this experience you go forward with!

Best Wishes, 

Missy

ALICE KEPPEL : LA MAITRESSE DU ROI IN FRANCE : STILL HE WAS NEVER FAITHFUL

The King spent much time in France at the seaside resort Biarritz on the Atlantic coast and France might have been where he felt most at ease. It was in France that Alice was treated as through she were the Queen. And if you're wondering, yes her family went along on many of these trips.

Excerpt page 229 ; " ... For the sake of appearances she would neither be met by the King nor accommodated in his hotel. Her host would be Sir Ernest Cassel, who would have rented the luxurious Vila Eugenie - the restored seaside residence of the Second Empire court - which would be run for him by his windowed sister. Alice Keppel would have a floor to herself, her daughters being accommodated in the nursery wing which had once housed the late Prince Imperial. ....

However, the King and Mrs. Keppel would stroll together on the promenade and they lunched together in his suite at the Hotel Du Palais. One of the reasons he preferred Biarritz, however, was because few royals went there, nor did politicians, and he was also not approached there by women who hoped to seduce him.  King Edward VII was not faithful to Alice Keppel - or any woman - in his lifetime. He was a philanderer and in his sixties he was still out and about with the ladies.  Some of his conquests are known by name and so I must wonder, yes he was a King, rich, but also balding, fat, and - well, some say he was actually unable to perform in the last decade or so of his life - so WHAT WAS IN IT FOR THE WOMEN - SOME WHO TRIED, SOME WHO SUCCEEDED, in SEDUCING HIM?  I tend to think that for some women in that time and place, seducing a King was like a groupie seducing a rock star.  One might not think a night of passion would lead to a relationship, but it might also be worth the chance, even knowing that other women had the very same mind-set.

In past posts in previous months, I've written about the final days of the King, and the way Alice reacted in grief.  No doubt about it, she loved Edward and the life he gave her and her family.

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Interested in Groupies?  You may want to go into my archives: 

October 2016

GROUPIES - Are They Really So Different Than Mistresses?

THE EDUCATION OF SARAH BERNHARDT : HER COURTESAN MOTHER YOULE VAN HARD WANTED HER OUT OF THE WAY - OR DID SHE?

This is the kind of book report-review that I like to do in order to get the information I think my readers are most information into this blog:

Sarah, at the age of seven, couldn't read, write, or do arithmetic and so it was decided that she would go to Mme. Fressard's boarding school.  It was fashionable and in a suburb of Paris called Auteuil. She was there for two years learning these basics as well as singing and the lady-like art of embroidery. She made friends and Mme. Fressard was a kindly person, so this experience was a good one. However, she was also bullied by the mean girls at the school and she fought back physically as well as having "fits of temper."  (page 12-13)

This school experience is said to influence her interest in the theatre due to an actress that came once a week to recite poetry and because she made her first appearance as an actress in a school play.

Sarah would soon realize that her mother didn't love her or loved her new baby sister more. This would effect her emotionally for the rest of her life.

Her mother only came to see her twice at school and her father only once, but that means that her father was aware of her and took some interest in her. Or was it that her father identified himself to her and came to visit her several times, deciding that her religious education required that Sarah be moved to a different school where she would be raised as a Roman Catholic.

Page 13 Excerpt:  ..."Alas! This was not the last time that my mother's chilly behavior toward me threw me into a paroxysm of misery resulting in illness. I never grew callous to her disapproval of me; her cutting criticisms always had the power to would me to the heart."  (according to biographer Therese Berton, who was a contemporary of Sarah's on page 13.)

Author Gottlieb says that Sarah was enrolled in convent school in Versailles. According to Wikipedia, "Bernhardt was admitted to Grandchamps, an exclusive Augustine convent school near Versailles."

It was Duc de Morny who paid for Sarah's education there, according to Wikipedia, which could indicate that he was her father, or it could simply indicate that he was involved with her mother. Gottlieb writes that it was her mother who took her to the school, where she was a student for six years with Mother Saint Sophie as her mother substitute. She loved it there but she was a prankster and always close to being expelled. Here again she was drawn to be a stage actress. 

Her Jewishness, born of a Jewish mother, became a situation. She was baptized             - along with her baby sister. 

Page 17 Excerpt: "The years at the convent accomplished what they had been meant to accomplish "The Little Jewish girl" had learned the manners and speech of upper-class Paris, and now not only was officially a Catholic but had thrown herself, with her typical dramatic intensity, into her new religion. (Sarah considered becoming a nun.) ... Her passionate desire to stay on permanently in the convent was something not to be considered by Youle, nor - unsurprisingly - did Mother Saint Sophia detect much of a true calling in the unruly Sarah.... .... It was 1859, and Sarah was almost fifteen - more or less a grown woman.

And, Gottlieb writes, marriage was out of the question despite her Catholic education because she was the daughter of a Jewish courtesan.  But Youle did get her a chaperone and governess who was good to Sarah. Mme Guerard turned out to be a close, reliable, life-long friend (Mme died in 1900) who was also a mother figure to Sarah... and a witness to her life, including the birth of her son, Maurice...

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YOULE VAN HARD : CRUEL COURTESAN MOTHER OF SARAH BERNHARDT? : DID SHE KNOW WHO SARAH'S ABSENT FATHER WAS? OR TELL MORE THAN ONE MAN HE WAS THE FATHER?

While reading Sarah by Robert Gottlieb I found myself speculating quite a bit and I realized something. The story of Sarah Bernhardt's childhood as the daughter of a Courtesan who was sent away to be raised by others or put into a convent, reminds me of other women I've featured here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO who were sent away... Do you know who I mean?

***

Not one of the 'Grand Horizontals', but a woman with a "protector" or a few, according to author Robert Gottlieb, Sarah's mother, Youle Van Hard - also called Judith or Julie Van Hard - was a pretty blond with some lazy charm but surprising strong willpower... And seems to have been too busy elsewhere to give a damn about Sarah. Though the story is not straight and there are varying accounts.

Excerpt page 3: "Youle conducted a relaxed salon to which a group of distinguished men gravitated, among them her lover Baron Larrey, who was the Emperor Louis-Napoleon's doctor and composer Rossini, the novelist and playwright Dumas's father, and the Duc de Morny, known as the most powerful man in France, who was Louis-Napoleon's illegitimate half-brother. It was Rosine, Youle's younger, prettier, livelier sister, who was Morny's mistress except when Youle herself was; in these circumstances it hardly mattered..."

.

"Youle (Sarah's mother) and Rosine (Sarah's aunt) had come a long way. Their mother, Julie (or Jeanette) Van Hard, a Jewish girl of either German or Dutch in origin, had married Maurice Bernard, a Jewish oculist in Amsterdam. When their mother died and their father remarried, Youle and Rosine struck out on their own, first to Basel, then on to London and le Havre, where in 1843 Youle - perhaps fifteen years old - gave birth to illegitimate twin girls, both of whom died within days... 

Undeterred, the ambitions Youle quickly set out for Paris, her daytime occupation seamstress, her nighttime career a quick ascent into the demimonde."

It seems to me that a mother's remarriage would not necessarily be the whole story on why two teenagers left home knowing they'd have to support themselves and found that way by becoming courtesans.

Rosine became a courtesan in Paris, while sister Henriette made a decent and respectable marriage. And then Youle was pregnant again, this time with Sarah. It is understood that Youle simply was never much interested in Sarah, while she did take interest in the next child she gave birth to, another girl, who was also illegitimate. (Youle would eventually have three daughters and it is understood that she tried to introduce Sarah into her world.)

Youle's disinterest in Sarah might have had something to do with who the father was. The best candidate?

It's implied that the Duc de Morny might have been Sarah's father.

There was a young navy officer, surname Morel. There was some money intended for Sarah from Morel or his family - eventually.

Sarah's father might have been a college student. 

The father's name on her birth certificate, Edouard Bernhardt, is also a confusion. One wonders if Youle just made up the name. (It is awfully close to the name Bernard.)

Sarah had memories of being a young child who was sent away to a small village in Brittany where a nurse substituted for her mother as a kind of foster parent. (Eventually she and the nurse were moved closer to Paris.) Sarah would write that her father had been in China for a couple years, which sounds to be something Youle - or Sarah - made up to explain the absence of a father to Sarah. Her mother was only nineteen when Sarah was three, and her youth and circumstances might be partly to blame for being uninvolved in her daughter's life. But, be it that an Edouard Bernhardt was the name given on her birth certificate as her father, or not, there was no consistent presence of a father figure as she grew up. At best she might have had a few visits from him at school or understood him as interested in her education and religion. In her memoir, 'A Double Life,' Sarah gave credit to her father for her attendance at an elite convent - ie. boarding school.

It is just as likely, in my opinion, that Youle may have told more than one man he was the father of her child, or come up with the money for Sarah's boarding through her own efforts. (Which could include investing money she'd been given or paid.)

Though author Gottlieb doesn't suggest this, it comes to me that perhaps Youle's rejection of Sarah, which caused her so much emotional pain throughout her life, while being clearly capable of loving her next born daughter, might have been due to something more horrible than not knowing which patron was Sarah's father. For Youle, according to Sarah, was, in my word choice, abusive. It was reported by the wife-author of one of Sarah's lovers that Sarah said her mother was not just distant but disapproving and cruel and had the power to wound her. 

However, Sarah herself reported that during her childhood, both her Aunt Rosine and her Aunt Harriet were somewhat in her life and it occurs to me that, however judicious in his reportage author Robert Gottlieb has, we may not get too close to the whole story.

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GEORGE STERLING'S ROLE IN NORA MAY FRENCH'S UNHAPPINESS ? : GEORGE WAS NEVER A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR HUSBANDING

While reading this book, I thought about George Sterling, a man who made his living and supported his wife through selling land for building, you could say a real estate agent or maybe a developer, of Carmel-By-The-Sea. Carmel is in the Monterey Bay area south of San Francisco and after the historic San Francisco earthquake many unhoused people made their way to Monterey. 

George Sterling was torn because he had entered into a conventional marriage with his wife, Carrie, but was not capable of being a faithful husband. Rather he was a womanizer and alcoholic. I see him as a man out of control of himself. He was so torn up, especially after Nora May French commit suicide by cyanide poison while an ongoing guest in his marital home, that - eventually - years later - he too commit suicide. At least that's a notion. Maybe he was a bit tortured because they'd had an affair and he was not free to be with Nora, but somehow I don't think this man, who seems to have been ruled by his emotions, would have divorced Carrie and married Nora. There was, in my opinion, much more wrong with him and his life that he couldn't bear.

But of fascination is that George had business connections that meant that he was one of the early members of the Bohemian Club, which is now the mysterious and controversial Bohemian Grove, a big boy's camp that has attracted world leaders and Presidents of the United States to its get-aways from the world. Rumors persist that Satanic rituals occur there but I personally have no idea if that's true. It seems to mainly be a men-only club for the very rich, some of whom probably were in secret society type fraternities when youth in college.

What George Sterling wanted was to be a literary person, a poet, to attract such persons to buying land and building homes in Carmel, to put that village on the map as an artists colony. Although his marketing and public relations had that effect, he actually wasn't successful selling property to people who had unsteady or inadequate income. How he hoped literary luminaries like writer Jack London would settle there.

Many of George's friends blamed Nora's death as his undoing. Or women in general. He and his friends attempted to pick up "Bohemian" women on the poetry scene in San Francisco and George was not the success at it. Further, Nora seems to have been given way too much credit for being a "femme fatale." While reading about these men and their ways, I couldn't help but think they were immature and how stuck the women at that time who married men like this were.

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HOW TO TELL IF HE'S PARTNERED VERY EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO TELL IF HE'S PARTNERED VERY EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP

As we all know, Monica Lewinsky knew President William Jefferson Clinton was married.  His wife has been the very high profile Hillary Clinton, a lawyer, and a First Lady who would also run for President of the United States some years later. Of course, so did the President know he was married. And Monica was not married, and much younger, and crazy for Bill. He was in position of power. She was not.

But ah, what about those of you who just met someone, have been dating a little while, maybe have already started having sex, and have feelings for that someone, but their personal life is a mystery? They are not wearing a wedding band so you may think that person is free to be with you. 

I'm convinced that the way into being a Mistress for most Western 21st century women is just that; first you fall, then you find out. After all, there's a better chance than ever that you're going to earn money of your own and have independence unthinkable in previous generations. Unlike many of the women profiled here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, who had little choice in life, you probably don't need to survive by being a Courtesan. What happens if you're already involved when he tells you or you find out he's partnered? Maybe you've fallen for him. Well, you don't want to let go. Some men do know that your attachment to them will make it difficult for you to break off with them and that's how they seduce. Let's not blame the men totally though. Some women who are married find themselves attracted to and involved with a man and don't tell the whole truth right away either.  (And yes, I'm aware I'm writing this in hetero context but it happens in homosexual relationships too.) Also, you may be innocent, inexperienced, or naive. You want to start out trusting people and being open to love. (Me too!)

It can be confusing also because many 21st century women know that there is no commitment until the two of you agree which means someone has to suggest it and you have to talk about it. Until that agreement, made of Choice, you know that this other person may very well be "dating around" or "sleeping around." So when he doesn't call for a few days, or seems to want to see you last minute rather than make a plan, you may not automatically think that it's because he's partnered.

By the way, I can't easily define promiscuity. Let's talk basics. Do you know his real name, or where he lives? Where he works? You should know some basic information like that and, if you don't, you may be having sex with a stranger. All of this means that it's best to get to know someone better before you get involved. Don't get picked up. Even if you meet someone at a party and feel wildly attracted to them, don't leave the party with them. I have come to understand that use of drugs or alcohol can blur your ability to make Choices in the moment, which can lead to devastating consequences. Moderation is advised.  It also helps to have a best friend along so you can be supportive to each other in any situation that might come up.

Here's my list :

Missy

Married, Living Together, Domestic Partnership - same difference.  Or in a steady, committed relationship but not living together.

If he is ...

He may call you or text you last minute to ask you to meet with him. (How many women is he juggling?)

He may suggest you provide your own transportation to the meet up. (Providing your own transportation can be a positive though, especially in early stages of getting to know someone.) Maybe he doesn't want to be seen in your area?

He may call or text you for a hook up or want a friends with benefits arrangement. (If you read this blog, you know I oppose these arrangements. You only have so much libidinal energy.)

He may have local sex with you in places other than his place or yours, such as in the office or a motel, or out in nature, as if he is seizing the moment and thinks this is exciting.

He may have you waiting for his call or for him to make time or show up. (Mistresses often do a lot of waiting for visits and such and if you decide to be a Mistress, consider that you should continue having a separate life.)

He may cancel, show up late, or leave early. (He's got other responsibilities.)

He may give you his business card and suggest you call him at work, avoiding giving a personal phone number. 

He may suggest it's best if he calls you or demand you not call him.

He may excuse himself to make a quick call often enough for you to be suspicious. Can they really not do without him being on-call for business?

He may want to come over to your place and hang out there rather than take you out in public.

He may see you but only have time for sex, even though you had more of a plan.

He may want to go places where you will not meet up with his friends or family or partner - nor yours!

He may avoid Friday or Saturday "date nights" routinely. (Meeting up with a new person for coffee or lunch during the day can be a good way to get to know them.)

He may ask you to meet him out of town or for a vacation.

He may avoid seeing you on holidays. (He's gone for that three day weekend...)

He may gift you or celebrate your birthday or Valentine's day early but not be available on those days.

He may say he is going out of town on business or traveling but will be back in touch.

He may use his work as a reason or excuse for why he's busy or been out of touch.

He may introduce you as his coworker or secretary or assistant when you are not.

He may not talk about his partner at all, as if he or she doesn't exist. 

He may say that he and his partner are friends or together to raise their children. (If they are legally divorced, this is ideal for the children, so -)

He may say, "You didn't ask" when you say he did not tell you he had a partner. (Not telling is also a way of being dishonest.) 

These behaviors are ones in which the person is avoiding tell you that they have a partner or someone else in their life. Deception and evasiveness is lying. However, you can't expect anyone to tell you everything there is to know about them quickly, so - All of these behaviors can be about dating more than one person when no promises of faithfulness or loyalty or commitment has been made rather than being married too.

More tricky:

He may take off his wedding band and not be wearing it when he goes out seeking another lover.

He may use his children as an excuse for where he is. (Of course you want him to have a relationship with them!)

He throws any receipts - such as for restaurant meals - gifts for you - or the hotel room away rather than risk taking them home.

You do get to meet some of his friends or business partners or others "in the know" about his personal life, basically people who will not out him or will accept you. Who are the women they are with?

***

I have tremendous concern about the spreading of venereal diseases including HIV/AIDS because these impact your health and all relationships you have now and in the future. If you're not using protection to avoid STD's you may also be risking pregnancy you have not planned on. Wanting to remain healthy is a best reason for being cautious.

Missy

HER EX MAY BE A SEXUAL PREDATOR : IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN DO?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I live in a small town area of Los Angeles County. I had a brief relationship with a man who I soon thought might be one of those who will say anything he thinks you want to hear.  It was confusing but I decided against him.  Anyway, when I thought he might be sleeping around or have a steady girlfriend somewhere that he was cheating on, I decided to avoid encounters with him. He became predatory towards me even though months went by and we weren't dating. 

I'm not sure what would've happened if I'd resisted the time he saw me at my storage unit, where it turns out he rents too, and expected to have sex in the bathroom there. I managed to stop it before things went too far. Then there was the time I happened to see him in the park and he suddenly gave me a hug but also squeezed my rear for anyone who was looking to see.  He seems to want to give other men the impression I'm his...

More months went by and one day I saw him at the park where I sometimes walk at lunch. He offered me a ride back to work and I thought what the heck. Well, he pulled over in a parking lot and all of a sudden he was masturbating. I wasn't participating and I kept saying "Stop it. Let's get out of here. We could be arrested!" Finally a man was looking at the car and he said "He just wants to watch!" I insisted we leave.

Let's say he's just full of surprises.

More time went by. The last time I saw him I was walking down the street and heard someone calling "Hey Little Girl!"  He was in his van. (He has two cars and a van.) He didn't remember my name and I'm no little girl and he wanted me to get in. I kept walking and did not get in. I remembered the time I got into the van and he wanted me to get into the back.

I haven't responded to his texts or e-mails that say things like "I'm worried about you." 

I don't want his friendship. I actually feel ashamed of myself for being a mature woman who was fooled. But ever since that day where he called out "Hey Little Girl", thinking back on remarks he made like that he was having too much "fun" and was in his van sleeping in the next town for a week even he has an apartment in our town. I have this sick gut feeling that he might be driving around and trying to pick up females, who he will get sexual with, that he may molest or rape, since he is either always seductive or doesn't get no right away.

Is there anything I can do? I mean to have him checked out?

Nance

Los Angeles County

ADVICE FROM MISSY

Nance, 

I don't know if he's a sexual predator in general or focused on underaged girls or simply thinks he is seductive and adventurous but you are far from comfortable with him. That discomfort has translated to a suspicion that he may actually be picking up women in his van and that "Hey Little Girl" could be that he's preying up women, offering rides, even very young girls. I get it. Chances are the way he has been with you is the way he's been with other women.

I suggest you block his phone number and e-mail without any commentary or response. We think he just wants to assure himself you're still in his life in some way. 

We also think that should you run into him again and he asks if he can give you a ride or whatever, keep saying no. 

We get the small town aspect of this. Telling him you're involved with someone else - lying basically - can backfire on you because there might be a good man who is interested you and a healthy relationship who might hear you have a boyfriend when you don't. If you see him, therefore, and he is any way wants to reconnect, just be simple and say, "I'm not available." If he presses you say you have moved on. Don't give details or make up a boyfriend who does not exist.

As for reporting him to the authorities, other than your own experience, which you as an adult female participated in, you have no proof. We are strong knowing that even a husband, steady boyfriend, or date can be a rapist. What we don't know is if perhaps he actually has a prior record. I ran a search on Google using the terms Los Angeles and Sexual Predator and I see there may be someone to talk to about your suspicions. 

Maybe someone who knows more about this can talk with you and refer you?

DHS GOV - HOW TO REPORT  

***

Call the Los Angeles Police Department's non-emergency number at (877) 275-5273 to report an individual who abused you and to press charges, if applicable. Call and ask if there is anyone local you can speak to in the sex crimes unit.

***

THIS IS THE NATIONAL SEX OFFENDER WEB SITE. You can possibly use it to see if he has been convicted in the past!

NSOPW GOV (SEX OFFENDER LOOK UP)


Next time you meet a man who interests you, meet up with him a number of times in a brief and friendly way, such as having coffee, or in a group of friends, before you spend time just the two of you, and allow some time before you go past the goodbye kiss. It's not about being old fashioned or conservative, it's about being self protective.

Missy

PS: Check out Cassandra Peterson's book Yours Cruelly Elvira and the month I dedicated to her!

November 2023

THE THEFT OF CHOICE : SPECIAL EDITION of MISTRESS MANIFESTO  FEATURING CASSANDRA PETERSON 

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THE STEREOTYPE OF A KEPT WOMAN : CAROLE TREGOFF NO - MARTHA DE FLORIAN YES

MISTRESS LIFESTYLE ?

The short tenure and terms and conditions of Carole Tregoff as Dr. Bernard Finch's Mistress - in waiting to be Wife number three - and in hopes of wealth enough to collaborate in a murder plot - while she worked as an assistant or as a waitress at a Vegas casino-restaurant - defies the stereotypes of a Mistress.  For a Mistress has long assumed to be a Kept Woman, a woman who "does not have to work" because her man is fully supporting her and he can do that because he's rich.

Today, that notion is blurred by economic realities these days. 

However, I do want to give a little time this month to Marthe de Florian, who was most certainly Kept. She may have been Kept by more than one man, but not too many, and one of them, who was likely the Love of Her Life, provided for her after his death...

Missy

SOME WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR "FRIEND" WANTS TO UPGRADE TO "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS"

SOME WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR "FRIEND" 

WANTS TO UPGRADE TO "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS"

"Nothing" has happened yet. 

How do you tell that your friend wants to change your relationship to include sex?

You may have read other posts where I said that I don't believe in "friends with benefits," hooking up, or sleeping around. I don't because I believe it's true that an individual has only so much "libidinal energy" and that using some or all of it with a person or persons who do not want to have a deeper or more meaningful relationship with you is a misuse of that energy and will make you loose focus. If you want a partnership your dating should be goal oriented. However, you may not have my values at this time in your life. (My values have changed too over time.) You may feel in need of an adventure or an alternative relationship. Sometimes a friendship evolves into a different, more romantic relationship or you may loose the "friends with benefits" relationship completely when the sexual aspect of it ends.

Here's my list:

He uses sexy jokes to test your interest. Sexy joking can be a test. (If you blush you may be embarrassed or shocked. That is not a good sign. Or you might think the joke is funny and find yourself laughing at it and that will encourage him to tell more.) Ask yourself if he's making these jokes when you're the only audience or if it's just the guys entertaining each other and you happen to be "one of the guys" at that time.

He's interested in knowing if when you use the term "friend" when talking about another man, that includes sexuality. In other words, since he is your "friend" does that mean he has a chance? Be sure that he knows that when you use the term friend you mean platonic (no sex) friendship, if that's true. You might say something like "When I say friend, I mean platonic friend. No sex." You might also define how you use the term "boyfriend." Some people think boyfriend means lover.

He makes a point of telling you look nice, pretty, beautiful, or sexy. A friend can think so and giving and receiving compliments can be nice, but what he's communicating is that he's taking special interest in how you look and has been observing your body. This may extend to comments such as "I've never seen you wear the same outfit twice." or "That jewelry is perfect for you, the way it accents your neck." (He didn't say accents your dress.) Unless he's in fashion, most men are not so observant of what you wear.

He takes gentlemanly body language a little further. A touch to your back as he walks with you can be a protective gesture and some men simply feel that's their role as an escort. A light touch on your forearm is generally thought of as informal and in the safe zone. If you're on a hike and going up a hill and it looks like you need help, he may offer or take your hand and then the hand hold is dropped when you get to safety. But a man who is feeling attracted to you, even when he considered public displays of affection to be avoided, may simply walk a little too close to you such as in the shoulder-bag range. He may also stand a little closer to you and in front of you in what I call the pre-hug phase rather than to your side. (Is he close enough that he could easily pull you towards him?) 

He may also make eye contact with you a little longer and solidly than "just a friend."  

Sometimes you just cannot be friends with a certain man, the vibe is just not platonic. If you think this may be true at the start. you may be feeling interested in him. Would it be better to wait and see if this turns into a romance?

Think!

What do you want out of life?

Is what you want realistic? (Make that judgement for the now and for the future, as best you can.)

Are you willing and able to have sex with someone you're not that into AND be focused on another relationship?

Are the two of you being very careful, practicing safer sex and contraception? (Are you together enough to go get tested together?)

What if you fall in love and he does not? Or he falls in love with you but you are only interested in the friendship?

How often do you talk to or get together with your friend?  What kind of things do you do together?

Does he care about you and what's happening in your life? Or is he mostly talking about sex? (Talking about sex can include quizzing you about your past relationships and sexual history.)

Does he invite you out or do you only get together for sex? Where do you get together? 

Who calls who?  How often?  Does he call you at the last minute or at short notice to get together or give you some time to decide and plan?

Are you home alone when he's dating someone else and how does that feel to you?

Are you a secret, someone he does not include in his friendship circles?  Is he your secret?  Why?

If you had an emergency could you call him to help you?

Missy

C 2024 Mistress Manifesto - BlogSpot  All rights reserved including Internet and International Rights

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS SOUL MATES or TWIN FLAMES?

Question for Missy:   

I've been watching YouTube videos about this and reading books about it too. Do you personally think there is such a thing as a soul mate, someone who a person has lived many lives with, that a person deeply connects with? Or how about a twin-flame, your perfect partner who you were once united with as one and will be with again and again through lives? 

Should I hold out until I meet one of them?

Roger

Minnesota

Answer from Missy:

Hi Roger.  

Actually I do think having a soul mate or twin flame is possible, but rare. My understanding is that a person can have many soul mates over a life time but only one twin flame in eternity. No, you should not hold out (avoid relationships) until you meet one of them. You could wait a lifetime. Rather, know yourself well, know what you want, what you need, what you're willing to compromise on, what you are willing to go without. I don't think any one person can fulfill all of that for one long life-time, but in relationships we continue to get to know another person as well as ourselves, and life brings us surprises, including finding ourselves in love at times with someone we could have never guessed would be attractive!

C 2025 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot All Rights reserved including Internet and International Rights

ENOUGH OF USING E-COMMUNICATIONS and OUTING OTHERS TO BREAK UP : IT'S NASTY IT'S REVENGE and HAS NO PLACE IN ROMANCE

A recent expose of people using e-media such as e-mail and texting to break up or, going low-tech by posting handwritten or banner signage on their lawns to let all the neighbors know, which then made it onto the Internet, had me cringing.

All these people were nasty and revengeful. While they maybe did not know better, I think they all knew what they were doing at the time - but did not consider the consequences. They thought they were outing the person who hurt them but they were also outing themselves. They were letting the world know they are losers at love and mean-spirited.  

A person might be the one in the right, but as soon as the sign is posted everyone will be thinking or saying "It takes two." 

Do your neighbors want to get involved?  They may love gossip and have nothing better to do than spread it, but most people really do not. 

Does someone else want to be partnered with someone so nasty and revengeful?  No!

I realize that most of these people were in emotional pain when they did what they did, but they no longer have any privacy. There is little chance after stunts like this to perhaps resolve the issues and make the relationship better. 

It's horrible for children to deal with. Now children at school will be talking about the sign on the lawn and asking the child of revenge seeking parents about their parent's relationship or making comments. 

As for using text to develop a relationship or to break up. STOP THAT NOW!

Text should only be used when you cannot phone call and phone call should only be used when you can't talk in person. 

This is a person who has shared your life, who you have been intimate with, and if you don't get that and can't be sensitive, I can't feel sorry for you.

If you have been dating, perhaps not exclusively, but it's been several months, and you know the other person has strong feelings for you developing, even if you have not had sex, you should break up with them in person. 

Here are some guide lines.

If you have been married, engaged officially, or have been steadily dating after having a commitment discussion, or you have had sex, a break up absolutely must be done in person. The other person deserves that respect. 

Do you have to give details such as why you are breaking up?  Sometimes it is kinder not to. Forget "Cruel to be kind." That is hostility.  Should you give details about the "other woman" or "other man?"  That you are no longer in love or no longer want the partnership is more than enough. Will the person ask?  Probably.  What is the least hurtful response? I would say you can skip the details until or if it becomes important later.

What if that "other woman" is pregnant and you want a quick unpartnering because you intend to partner (or marry) that person in order to be a father to that child. I think that your current partner needs to know this is true. Your future does not just include another woman who you may or may not marry or be with a long time but also a child who is a responsibility for the next eighteen years or more and might become a half-sibling.

When it comes to that you want or need to break with someone because of a habit or a drastic difference world view, you have to ask yourself if you think the reason is something the other person could change. If they could change it why are you not giving them the chance to? Are you willing to change also?

If you dated a little, no sex, but you're calling time on the developing relationship, make a phone call. Don't ghost this person. A phone call will suffice.  They deserve to know you are moving on so they won't waste time wondering. 

Missy

C 2025 Mistress Manifesto - BlogSpot  All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights.

ALEXANDRE COSTE SPEAKS ABOUT HIS STATUS AND PARENTS - NICOLE COSTE and PRINCE ALBERT II OF MONACO

PEOPLE : ALEXANDRE GRIMALDI by Stephanie Petit  from August 2023

Excerpt:  

Alexandre also spoke about using the last name Grimaldi with his father's encouragement.

"My father's name is Grimaldi. It makes sense that I bear his name. I would have been called Dochomel if my father had been Mr. Dochemel!" Alexandre said. "Besides, I never called myself Coste or Coste-Grimaldi. On no ID, at school or on my diplomas. Those who call me that have a malicious attitude."

"My mother is tender by nature and let a lot of things be said because she was always advised to 'let the story go,' he continued. "Me, I will be more procedural because I was born in France, but I grew up in an Anglo-Saxon country. I'll attack if necessary."

"Nor am I 'illegitimate' since when I was born, neither of my parents was in another marriage, and they did not commit adultery. Using that word is insulting!  I hope no one believes the lies conveyed on the internet. One bears the name of one's father when one has been recognized since birth. I had voluntary recognition from my father when I was a baby. Not from a judge or the press who have forced him to," Prince Albert's son said. "My mother, whom I adore, is my rock, and she is not jealous at all of my choice. If she never said anything about my surname, it's been to protect our privacy....."

Missy here : When I read this, I feel that the recently adult and fairly-well-kept out of the press, Alexandre Grimaldi, who was born as Eric Alexandre Stephane Tossoiukpe on August 24, 2003 in Paris, was feeling defensive and trying to get his side of the story out to the world.  

I agree that neither of his parents were officially married to others at the time and were thus not officially committing adultery. However, adultery is not the deciding factor. Being recognized is not enough to be legitimate. Legitimate and illegitimate are legal terms: if your parents were not married at the time of your birth you are illegitimate. Inheritance is often tied into this. When he is talking about his mother, Nicole Coste, not being jealous of his choice, he means his choice to use the Grimaldi surname. His own mother changed her surname to Coste and called him Alexandre Coste. (Still no legal Grimaldi surname.)

Prince Albert II lives with restrictions to his choices tied in with his role as head of state of Monaco, a tiny but incredibly wealth country. Whatever his relationship with the mother of his oldest son is today, whatever wealth or prestige he chooses to share with Alexandre and Nicole, individually or separately, he has never been married to Nicole and his recognizing Alexandre as his natural son is not even the same as legally adopted him.

As a note, in more recent times both Alexandre and Nicole say they have a much better relationship with Prince Albert than they had previously complained about. Alexandre is becoming an adult and living his own life. It is harder to do that on the world stage and my hope for him is that he will find his niche and be a productive and positively influential individual.

Missy

C 2025 Mistress Manifesto - BlogSpot  All Rights including Internet and International Rights

MYTHS ABOUT MISTRESSES THAT NEED TO BE BUSTED

MYTHS ABOUT MISTRESSES THAT NEED TO BE BUSTED

You've seen the articles and books that would have it that EVERY MISTRESS IS THE SAME and, well, yes some women are going to fit these "truisms." If you're a mistress or are becoming a mistress, you'll have to think about these notions and self assess honesty to decide if they fit you. But let's challenge a bit.

POSSIBLE MYTHS

1) YOU DO AND SHOULD FEEL GUILT about him spending time with you instead of his wife and/or children. All sorts of things trigger that guilt (such as moralistic films.) The exception  to being guilty is that she cannot be guilty because she doesn't know he's married so she does not know she's a mistress.

2) SHE DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE A MISTRESS, it just happened, as the result of a fling or affair.

3) SHE'S JEALOUS of HIS WIFE and the public approval and attention she gets because she wants to be the wife.

4) SHE KNOWS SHE MADE A MISTAKE and HE IS MR. WRONG (because he is married) but stays in the relationship anyway because she is emotionally attached to him. She makes excuses for him.

5) SHE SEES A FUTURE WITH THE MAN. Even if years go by, she is in waiting to be the next Mrs.

All of these assumptions suggest a woman is not in control of her life and doesn't have a choice or make decisions.

HERE IS WHY NOT:

1) He does not have to be married at all (or in any serious committed relationship) in order to have a mistress. Adultery is often defined as a married person cheating. She herself may not be married and therefore may not be committing adultery.

2) She may not want to be married to him or married at all at this time or any time in her life. 

3) She may have good reasons to think he is Mr. Right, or at the very least better than any man she has met before or is meeting currently.

4) She may value her own time, her own other relationships including friends, her own career, her own freedom to travel.

5) He may not have children, she may not have children, or the children are grown or independent.

6) He may be going through a divorce, be legally separated, and she may not be the cause of it.

7) She may understand that he does not want to marry (or have children) again.

Further:

1) He may not have been seeking a mistress but find himself having one.

2) His wife may know - and approve, even encourage him, for her own reasons, to be with another woman.

3) Some people "with eyes open" choose to be in a romantic triad.

Missy

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WHY ARE YOU AGAINST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS MISSY? IS THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP THE SLIPPERY SLOPE TO BEING A MISTRESS?

Question for Missy:

Missy, I want to know why you're against Friends With Benefits  I'm 21 and a senior in college.  I'm smart and I use contraception.  I have two friends I have sex with.  We think this is a good way to avoid having sex with partners who would want more with us.  We're not ready to get married to anyone.

Becky

UCLA - Los Angeles

Answer from Missy:

I'm for Choice and respect that the Friends With Benefits lifestyle is your choice at this time in your life. However, it's possible that you might be missing out on being completely available to someone else who might be an excellent choice as a partner in your life in your youthful stage.  Let's face it that as the years go by it's more difficult to meet someone to partner with, not impossible but more difficult. Many college students find their first partners while at school. After that is a career building period, with many feeling themselves established and seeking a first marriage in their late twenties. Into your thirties a great number of previously available potential partners are already in commitments. I tend to think a woman should consider being a Mistress only after having experienced their twenties - early thirties. By then a person probably knows themselves well enough.

Right now you're sort of man sharing and maybe you'll also find that an interesting way to live your life as a Mistress. Here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot we continue to try to define what a 21st Century Mistress is or is not. We know being a Mistress does not necessarily mean adultery or being involved with a person who is married. We also know that there are many who give it a try and do not like it. The days of the Classic Mistress, a woman who is fully supported for her lifetime by a rich married man, may be over. We also know that the best mistresses are not known to us.

I tend to think that a woman should experience her sexuality and figure out where she's at with it before she partners. I also tend to think this, which I recently shared with a man I know. I said to him - and to you - and my readers - that idealistically I think it should be that people get to experience loving in many ways and with many people - with everyone in the know and unbothered by jealousy - but pragmatically we choose commitment to have and hold family. In the Western world the majority do marry and attempt to restrict their lives to just one partner, making those in Open Relationships or who share a partner with someone else in the minority.

And though there are women who Keep men, and there are women who have more than one lover at a time, it's usually men who have arrangements such as this.

So check in with yourself Becky, and ask yourself if you're the type to happily remain independent and relatively unattached, and what it would be to have great sex with someone you love rather than with a friend you like. Will you be OK when one or both of your Friends With Benefits partners end it with you because they found someone Special?

Missy

HOW DOES THIS TOO SWEET MAN BREAK UP WITH THE WOMAN "FRIEND" WHO WON'T TAKE THE HINT

Question for Missy

Hi Missy,

I'm a disabled man in my sixties who can still function sexually but isn't interested in a relationship. I met a lady at the senior center who isn't disabled and have been friends with her for about two years.  At about the year and a half point she started to come on to me.  About six months ago it was her birthday and she said she wanted to have sex with me for her birthday.  I told her no.  I was married for over 30 years and haven't had sex with anyone since my wife died. I told her that.  I still love my wife and always will.  Also I told this woman to stop calling me so much.  Her therapist told her also that she wasn't listening to me when I told her I just wanted the friendship.  I told her that by text, by e-mail, and when we talk. She backed off for a while but the other day we were sitting in the park together and she asked me why I wouldn't have sex with her.  I think I've said it a lot of different ways.  She also says it's not just about sex and that she loves me and would marry me. How do I get her to take the hint?

Roger

Los Angeles

Answer from Missy

Wow Roger, that is a whole lot of not taking the hint. Roger, I think this woman is sexually obsessed with you and you're like a a "love drug" to her.  

You've never had sex with her though she has been after you for it and it sounds like you've been clear with her verbally. Now you must also, through your actions, break with her firmly and consistently. You have to tell her one final time that the two of you are just not on the same page. And this might mean not seeing her around the senior center too.  Are you willing to do that?

If you call her, call her back, or see her for any reason - just the two of you - she will get a dose of her "love drug" and she will not give up on you.

Here are some suggestions:

Even at the senior center be sure that you are not alone with her. Sit with other people at lunch, for instance.

Suggest to her when you do break with her that she join a dating club to meet someone more to her liking.

If you have a friend who you honestly think might make a good companion for her, introduce them.

Your message in Comments, which I do not publish for the Questions and Answers aspect of Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot, also indicates that you hate to lie. I want to suggest that gentle honesty is the best policy, however, because I think she is addicted to you and obsessed, and I've had women friends who were obsessed with men in the past, I know that the slightest suggestion of interest in her would be enough to keep that obsession going. The slightest.  She has a therapist to work with, which is a good thing.

But while musing about how to answer your question, I found a hilarious article on the net that I'm going to link to here.  It's so funny I laughed all the way through.  To you, and my readers, I suggest you click on this link and read this!  It's from GQ magazine and by writer Victoria Coren from 2015.

British GQ MAGAZINE : 20 WAYS TO MAKE HER LEAVE YOU by Victoria Coren Mitchell

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MARIA CALLAS: NO PURPOSE IN LIFE - CODEPENDENT - DOMESTIC VIOLENCE : AND THE THREAT OF JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY

In Italy, Maria Callas' marriage remained valid, making it impossible for her to marry Aristotle Onassis, despite their purposeful but "jokey" lies to the press. Both had the Greek Orthodox church in their heritage and her marriage to Giovanni Battista Meneghini was not recognized by that church, but no matter. At forty-two years old, Maria was without a purpose in her life. She had given up singing. And she gave up her American citizenship and regained her Greek citizenship thinking that might further her desire to legally divorce. Living on the Greek island he owned, Scorpios, Maria could not hide the reality of their failing relationship from staff, Yet on that island, she felt she could hide from the world. Swiss cosmetic treatments did nothing to help Maria have Aristotle exclusively. Her desperation to have him was not attractive and on Scorpios he gave her a beating so bad she feared for her life.

Maria Callas kept forgiving and making excuses for Aristotle Onassis' behavior. Aristo was not in good physical condition, which worried Maria, and he was also abusing sleeping pills, drinking heavily, and giving himself steroids and taking other medications that he thought would improve his virility. Having overdosed herself in suicide attempts, Aristo's alcohol, cigarettes, and all the rest gave reason for her worry.

 

By the summer of 1966, Maria knew the relationship was ending. Aristo was still feuding with Ranier III over Monaco but also part of the Paris social scene. Onassis did not regard her or treat her as if she were his wife but as a courtesan. He felt no obligation towards her and wanted her to be independent of him. The press reported that they had split. In Venice, Italy, on the beaches of Spain, and on the ship, the Christina, she was no longer at his side. He might have purchased an apartment for her in Paris, though to save face she said she had bought it herself, but Ari hosted a dinner for Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy in that city.  No other woman, from long ago or the near past was a bigger rival to Maria than Jackie. No doubt Maria lived around Aristo and for Aristo, but why didn't he set her free?

That is my question. Why was he so sadistic and mean that he wanted to break the will of one of the most talented and well known women in the world, while he pursued another?  He could be overly affectionate of Maria in public and then abandon her to visit with Jackie.  Maybe his judgement was clouded by lust but he proposed marriage to Jackie, negotiated with her brother-in-law Ted Kennedy for a financial settlement upfront; Aristo suggesting $3 million, she suggesting $20 million. He married Jackie.

Meanwhile Maria left for Las Vegas, where she overdosed. Then to Mexico, where she overdosed again. Maria Callas was falling apart psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

Onassis told Jackie he would protect her. To others he claimed to be behind the assassination of President John F. Kennedy's brother Robert Kennedy.  Author Lyndsy Spence writes that Jackie was romantically involved with Robert at one time after the assassination. Onassis had been romantically involved with her sister, then Princess Lee Radzwill. The twists and turns of the involvements of these strong personalities is truly a Greek drama or perhaps the plot of a tragic opera. 

We see that exquisite pain is not reserved for the poor.

Missy

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