SHOULD A MAN WHO BREAKS WITH A WOMAN WHO HE HAS BEEN SUPPORTING GIVE HER MONEY WHEN HE DOES?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Missy.

I've been the Mistress of a rich wall street broker for a year and a half. He moved me into an apartment six months ago. We aren't getting along. I want to break with him and he probably wants to break with me. I can't afford to move out. Do you think he ought to give me some money and how much?

Melissa in Manhattan

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hello Melissa,

Yes, I do think a rich man who has moved a Mistress into an apartment so that she could be there for him and who wishes to break with her should help her.  This is not severance from a job or a pension. It is because you once loved and you both gave it a go to see what might happen next. And when people love each other, they try to ease a break up. He well knows that you cannot afford to move out on your own and what your finances have been and are. It is good and right.

I suggest you have to have 'the talk' with the man and you have to get into it spontaneously, because no one likes to have 'the talk.'  (And yes, you can go to couple's counseling.) 

I think it would be reasonable for him to find another apartment for you that is affordable and pay for about six months of the rent, as well as money for the basics such as utilities and food. Hopefully you will be able to get work and independence by then.  I base that on how long you've been together. If it had been more years, more money.

Often a Mistress experiences an elevation in her lifestyle and it can be difficult to go back to what one came from. Whatever self-improvement or awareness you have obtained through this experience you go forward with!

Best Wishes, 

Missy

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD? IS AGE DIFFERANCE A PROBLEM : QUESTIONS FOR MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY :

How old is too old?  Older men seem to be very interested in me.  I'm 21. I go out with men who are in their late thirties to late forties basically. Some have been divorced. Some never married.

Roxanne

Minneapolis

ANSWER FOR MISSY:

Roxanne, when we fall in love, we fall in love.  I think when we do, we overlook the practical, such as that, if we are with a person who is a generation or so ahead of us, they may be in a different time of life than we are, or will be.  Think of this. Retirement! A man who is 37 to your 21 is basically going to retire about sixteen years before you!

I think one should consider as a candidate for a relationship those who are seven years younger to those who are seven years older.  At 21 this isn't practical.  It wouldn't even be legal or right for you to date a 14 year old.  For a 30 year old, this would mean dating men between the ages of 23 and 37.  Let's say a man is 50.  I think the age range of women he is dating should be between 43 and 57.

I still see potential generational differences but perhaps what's most important is maturity.

Tradition however, differs. Tradition is that a man marries when he can afford to - and that it is he who chooses who he will marry. And since it can take a while for a man to get there, he may very well choose a much younger woman.  What does afford to marry mean these days when so many women self-support? 

Self assess Roxanne.  Is the relationship a good one?

Love is love and love can be a rare thing in a life and maybe being practical should be overlooked in favor of love!

Missy

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS SOUL MATES or TWIN FLAMES?

Question for Missy:   

I've been watching YouTube videos about this and reading books about it too. Do you personally think there is such a thing as a soul mate, someone who a person has lived many lives with, that a person deeply connects with? Or how about a twin-flame, your perfect partner who you were once united with as one and will be with again and again through lives? 

Should I hold out until I meet one of them?

Roger

Minnesota

Answer from Missy:

Hi Roger.  

Actually I do think having a soul mate or twin flame is possible, but rare. My understanding is that a person can have many soul mates over a life time but only one twin flame in eternity. No, you should not hold out (avoid relationships) until you meet one of them. You could wait a lifetime. Rather, know yourself well, know what you want, what you need, what you're willing to compromise on, what you are willing to go without. I don't think any one person can fulfill all of that for one long life-time, but in relationships we continue to get to know another person as well as ourselves, and life brings us surprises, including finding ourselves in love at times with someone we could have never guessed would be attractive!

C 2025 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot All Rights reserved including Internet and International Rights

LILLIE LANGTRY : A NEW HUSBAND INFLUENCES HER TO SELL OUT OF THE HORSE AND RACING BUSINESS

Excerpt pages 247-248

In 1899, when she was forty-five, she married Hugo de Bathe. He was an odd choice for her.  He was nineteen years younger than her and he had no money to speak of. His main attraction seems to have been his father's title and Lillie would become Lady de Bathe. She was able to go ahead with the marriage with a clear conscious, because her troublesome first husband, Edward, had died of a brain hemorrhage in an insane asylum just over a year earlier, ending the speculation over the validity of her Californian divorce.

Hugo persuaded Lillie to sell her riding stable and horses, because he didn't think it was proper for a woman to own racehorses. The couple lived on Jersey for a time, but when Hugo volunteered for army service in the Boer War and left for South Africa, she returned to London and resurrected her stage career. Initially, she was just as successful as before, but her appeal was slowly waning. She tired vaudeville in New York and she made a film. In 1907, her marriage to Hugo finally paid off. Hugo's father died and she became Lady de Bathe....

It's my suspicion that Lillie supported her younger husband and that they both went their separate ways without considering divorce. In this way during the Victorian Era both would have been considered more respectable.   

I have a question for you: Have you given up a business in order to keep a relationship?

LILLIE LANGTRY BECOMES INDEPENDENT OF HER HUSBAND, FOUNDS A THEATRE AND BECOMES A BUSINESS WOMAN.

Excerpt pages 246-247: in 1882, after success in Britain, Lillie founded her own theatre company and took it on a tour of the United States. She found that her reputation had preceded her, so she played to full houses wherever she went.  She made repeated tours of the States that were Equally successful. And she collected male admirers along the way.  One of them, wealthy horse breeder Freddie Gebhard, spent a fortune on her.  Her earnings from the theatre and Freddie's expensive fits enabled her to start a winery and, like Freddie, breed horses. She became an American citizen in 1887m which enabled her finally to have her marriage to her first husband, Edward, dissolved.  The marriage was ended by a California court, but legal opinion at the time suggested that the divorce was invalid in Britain and indeed anywhere outside California...

Lillie Langtry had another relationship, a violent one, with a man who also had a passion for horses.  In 1893 he died and left her more horses and she had a business named Mr. Jersey.  I note that she did not use Miss or Mrs. Jersey.  This put it into perspective for me that this Victorian Era woman had to deal with the extremely limited options women had at that time.  Queen Victoria might have ruled, but most women could only achieve power and status through their husbands or associations with men. And it's often still the same way.

Do you have a mentor, patron, benefactor? Is there anyone you can count on for a personal loan, gift, scholarship or internship?

Please leave me a comment!

Missy
 

OSCAR WILDE ENOURAGED LILLIE LANGTRY TO BECOME AN ACTRESS AFTER BEING A MISTRESS TO EDWARD ALBERT, PRINCE OF WALES

 

Excerpt page 246

Oscar Wilde suggested that she should capitalize on her fame by taking to the stage.  She got her first taste of performing on stage at an amateur dramatic production in Twickenham, southwest London.  That led to an appearance in a charity performance at the Haymarket Theatre in London.  her name on the bill and the attendance of the Prince of Wales ensured a full house.  The critics praised her performance.  As a result, she was offered a contract to appear professionally at the Haymarket.  The prince continued to take his place in the royal box to support her.  Even though they were no longer lovers, they remained friends....

Missy here:  I think of Pamela Digby Churchill Harriman also, as she was known to stay friends with the men she had been mistress to. 

Think about this.

Some men break with you saying they just want to be friends, because they don't want you to be mad at them, and you never hear from them again. Is being friends with someone you had a romantic and sexual relationship with worth the effort?  Can it be done when you've moved into another relationship?  Between relationships?

Let me know what you think!  Use Comments!  If you don't want me to publish what you write and it's just for me to read, start by typing "Do Not Publish."

MISSY ON WAITING TO BE A MISTRESS UNTIL YOUR LATE TWENTIES OR EARLY THIRTIES

Question for Missy:   

I've been reading over your Opinions and Advice, Missy. Do you still think that women should avoid being mistresses until they are in their late twenties or early thirties?

Margarite

Memphis

Answer from Missy:

Yes, Margarite I do think that, because I think a young woman in her late teens into her early thirties is/are just getting to understand herself, her sexuality and gender is part of that. Also statistics reveal that, although Americans are generally waiting longer to marry, they still tend to have a first marriage during this period. This is not to say that being a mistress is not as good as marriage or that everyone achieves self-knowledge early, or that people can't change their mind about their gender or sexuality later in life.  

Considerations are : Notions about marriage.  

What would you negotiate as the perfect marriage for yourself?  

Do you want to be married?  

How independent are you?

Although a Classic Mistress is said to be in a Shadow Marriage (a marriage like commitment) there's lots of pressure in our society to be with just one person at a time.

WHY ARE YOU AGAINST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS MISSY? IS THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP THE SLIPPERY SLOPE TO BEING A MISTRESS?

Question for Missy:

Missy, I want to know why you're against Friends With Benefits  I'm 21 and a senior in college.  I'm smart and I use contraception.  I have two friends I have sex with.  We think this is a good way to avoid having sex with partners who would want more with us.  We're not ready to get married to anyone.

Becky

UCLA - Los Angeles

Answer from Missy:

I'm for Choice and respect that the Friends With Benefits lifestyle is your choice at this time in your life. However, it's possible that you might be missing out on being completely available to someone else who might be an excellent choice as a partner in your life in your youthful stage.  Let's face it that as the years go by it's more difficult to meet someone to partner with, not impossible but more difficult. Many college students find their first partners while at school. After that is a career building period, with many feeling themselves established and seeking a first marriage in their late twenties. Into your thirties a great number of previously available potential partners are already in commitments. I tend to think a woman should consider being a Mistress only after having experienced their twenties - early thirties. By then a person probably knows themselves well enough.

Right now you're sort of man sharing and maybe you'll also find that an interesting way to live your life as a Mistress. Here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot we continue to try to define what a 21st Century Mistress is or is not. We know being a Mistress does not necessarily mean adultery or being involved with a person who is married. We also know that there are many who give it a try and do not like it. The days of the Classic Mistress, a woman who is fully supported for her lifetime by a rich married man, may be over. We also know that the best mistresses are not known to us.

I tend to think that a woman should experience her sexuality and figure out where she's at with it before she partners. I also tend to think this, which I recently shared with a man I know. I said to him - and to you - and my readers - that idealistically I think it should be that people get to experience loving in many ways and with many people - with everyone in the know and unbothered by jealousy - but pragmatically we choose commitment to have and hold family. In the Western world the majority do marry and attempt to restrict their lives to just one partner, making those in Open Relationships or who share a partner with someone else in the minority.

And though there are women who Keep men, and there are women who have more than one lover at a time, it's usually men who have arrangements such as this.

So check in with yourself Becky, and ask yourself if you're the type to happily remain independent and relatively unattached, and what it would be to have great sex with someone you love rather than with a friend you like. Will you be OK when one or both of your Friends With Benefits partners end it with you because they found someone Special?

Missy

SHOULD SHE OBJECT TO HIS "FRIENDSHIP" WITH HIS MESSED UP EX-WIFE? : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy,

My boyfriend of about two years, Albert, is still friends with his ex-wife. I have male friends. I feel it would be wrong to object to Albert having female friends.  He's a hard worker and he spends most of his time with me. I'm there when she calls. And when they go to a movie or dinner together and it's just the two of them catching up, I don't complain.  When I do go, Alice is nice enough. She never has brought a date along though. 

Recently Albert wasn't talkative about where he was with Alice and I didn't hear from him for a couple days.  I felt suspicious.  Eventually he told me.  He had taken her to have an abortion.  And since their divorce, seven years ago, he's taken her to have other abortions, he said.  Then he takes her home and stays there with her, just to be sure she's OK. 

I'm feeling this is too much to ask of Albert. I think Alice is messed up. Especially because the men who impregnated Alice seem to be nowhere to be found. Albert and Alice were married for five years. They married young.  Your opinion is?

Charlene

United States

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Charlene,

My gut feeling on this is that you're right.  These ex's are not ex's in a healthy way.  That doesn't mean that they have never stopped being sexual. 

I hate to think that your Albert is responsible for any of these abortions that Alice has had, but there are so many contraceptive options and everyone should be practicing safe sex and using protection, so while maybe Alice is exceptionally fertile or out of luck, she seems to me to be irresponsibility taking chances and with irresponsible men. 

My guess is that is some way these two - Alice and Albert - are a bit emotionally embroiled with each other. Old friends. Maybe they grew up together. But what she has in Albert, she absolutely should have with men she's having sex with. That is Alice's Big Problem.  It becomes Albert's problem when he doesn't know how to draw the line.

I too believe that everyone should have some platonic friends, male or female, straight or gay, whatever. Our partners can't be absolutely everything to us all the time. So yes, it's time to decide if you want to be in this relationship with Albert or not and to talk to him.  If you decide NO, then there's no point in making it sound negotiable by talking to him about it.

What's most important is how you're feeling in this relationship.  You say you are feeling suspicious and that she's asking too much of your man. So, it's time to sit down with Albert and discuss your feelings. Try for an afternoon when not much is happening.  Don't bring it up during a romantic dinner. Don't make demands, at least not yet. Ask him to think about it for a couple weeks and let you know what he thinks. Go from there. This is about what YOU are going to do. If the situation doesn't resolve to your satisfaction, after two years of dating, try couple's therapy or move on from Albert.  

Missy

C 2021  Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

All Rights Reserved

DO MORE DEMOCRATS OR REPUBLICANS KEEP MISTRESSES?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Missy, with the election coming, I was just wondering if more Democrats or more Republicans keep mistresses?

Rod

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Republicans.

A number of POLITICAL MISTRESSES - Mistresses of Politicians - profiled here were women who worked for the men they were Mistress to.

CHECK THESE OUT IN MY ARCHIVE!

Rielle Hunter - and John Edwards  June 2012

Carrie Phillips - and Warren Harding  November 2012

Elizabeth Ray - and Wayne L. Hays  November 2016

Sally Hemmings - and Thomas Jefferson  July 2018

Missy Lehand - and Franklin D. Roosevelt October 2019

REPUBLICANS HAVE MORE MONEY.  They may simply be sneakier, have more cooperative wives, or pay off their mistresses when they are done with the relationship... and my guess is since they have more money, their Mistresses get more spoiling!

Speculation!

Missy

HER HUSBAND WANTS TO BE HONEST, LIVE SEPARATELY, and HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I'm going to admit this is not my problem, but there's been a lot of talk about this husband in England whose wife just gave birth, and who wants to be half out the marriage. He wants her to approve his getting his own apartment and living there during the week where he can have sex with other women. He says he will not get emotionally involved with them. This woman will be stuck raising two children on her own and expect him only to be part of the family on weekends. Also he says that she is allowed to date but not have sex with other men.  You may have seen this in the news?

I think it sucks.  What do you think?

Marilyn

New York


ANSWER FROM MISSY


Hi Marilyn

I think this man has been one foot out of the marriage for some time and waited out the pregnancy.  The timing sure is bad. However, people who want out of relationships, men and women, often wait out pregnancies and other life events and crisis, such as the serious illness of a partner, waiting until the youngest child is out of college,  or - until their lawyer says it's a good time.  I so wish our youthful ideas of what relationships are all about were not so idealistic.

It's not unusual for a person to have an affair or affairs looking for another partner before they feel ready to divorce.  That may be rather cowardly but it's not unusual.

We really don't know if this relationship was ever any good.  We don't know how this wife treats her husband. Sure pregnancy, birth, and motherhood can be difficult, but maybe she's abusive. Maybe he can't meet her demands and expectations. We don't know if the children were planned.  Many of us were not.  It can still be good.  But unplanned children are sometimes not affordable children.

Maybe he thinks being separated like this will actually preserve this marriage.

Maybe he thinks he's doing her a favor slowly going away.

And yes, I think it would be better to have a Mistress he cares about than a lot of meaningless sex only encounters, especially because of all the VD and STDs.

It sounds like he's too controlling.

I doubt anyone can guarantee another person that they will not get emotionally involved with anyone else, sex or not.  I wonder what he might reveal to the various women he expects to get into his bed at the apartment; will he tell them upfront that they are only their for sex and not to get emotionally involved with him because he won't with them?

Certainly she should not agree to a relationship that is only Open for her husband.  To me, she should be able to also have sex with anyone she wants.  But I bet she won't.  I'll bet he knows that.

I also suspect that this is a plan of his to gradually divorce.

At best he is confused.

So he should see a therapist and she should see a lawyer.

Missy

HOW DOES THIS MISTRESS STOP HER RELATIVES FROM TRYING TO MATCHMAKE HER?

Question for Missy

Hi Missy,

I'm 37 and have been a mistress for 7 years.  My relatives think that I never meet men, never get asked out, and that I'll never get married and have children unless they match-make me.  They are right.  I never go out to meet other men and I don't accept dates.  I'm fine as I am and not worried about getting married to anyone or having children.  My man has four children, one still at home, and doesn't want more.  So the real problem is that I don't want to tell them why I'm not interested. That I'm in love with a man already.  I met a couple of the men they wanted to introduce me to.  Luckily they weren't that interested in me.  Then I stopped meeting the men they wanted for me but they haven't backed off.  It's both my grandmothers, my mother, and my sister.  It's so ridiculous that they even suggested I meet a 2nd cousin of ours!  They're desperate for me.  I can't stand it.  What do you suggest?


Carol
Bloomington


Answer from Missy

Hi Carol,

I know someone whose relatives all think she's lesbian because she hasn't brought any men around.  She does not protest.

Try not to get defensive. The best thing to do is not talk about it.  Talk about the things that interest you.  Have interests not issues.

I would call them all on the same day and tell them you feel pressured by them as individuals and collectively and that you will no longer be entertaining any of their matchmaking suggestions. If at some other time in your life you are interested in meeting men, you will let them know.  If someone calls you and starts up on this subject after you have told them to cut it out, gently say, "I have to go" and cease the conversation. Say "GoodBye!" and hang up. Be consistent.  They'll eventually get the message.

Missy

ANY MISTRESSES YOU WANT TO RECOMMEND I COVER?

I'm interested in my reader's suggestions.  I often find articles in the news or find inspiration in films or books that I follow through on by doing some research before I elect a person to be MISTRESS (or MANTRESS) of the month.  I'm especially interested in hearing about any Men you know of who have been or are being KEPT by a woman or a man, as I think Men in this lifestyle are more IN THE CLOSET than Women.  Missy

HOW TO GET A SOCIAL LIFE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIENDLY and FRIENDS

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy,

I'm too alone.  I need friends.  Most of mine have gotten married and have children. They just aren't available like they used to be.  My job takes a lot out of me.  How do I make friends and get a social life going?

Megan
San Diego

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Megan,

I feel for you.

First think about the things you really enjoy doing.  Make a list.  Then put these activities in two columns.  The things you do alone.  The things you cannot do alone.  You like to read alone?  Why not join a book group at the library?  You like to paint alone?  What about going to art gallery openings?  You like to play tennis?  Can you take a class or join a club?  Is there a cause that you are truly interested in?  What about some volunteer work - minimal?  (With the Presidential election coming, you might want to volunteer some time for a candidate of your choice.)  Take each of your interests and think about where and how you can indulge yourself where you're going to meet other people who like to do what you like to do.

The first truth about having a social life is that you yourself have to INVITE people to be your guest, go places with you.  As a woman, the first thing to do is make a woman friend that you can go places with, but men can be great friends too.  It's just that some men still think that if a woman does the asking, then she is chasing them or after them for sex and it can get confusing, even go all wrong.  (I myself have had the experience of asking a man I met who seemed to have common interests with me along to the museum only to discover his ego all blown out to other men about it.  He also then waited for me to make another invitations to him, urging me to do so when he saw me around, which I did not.)

If someone invites you, then it's your turn to invite them next.  Again, focus on what you might have in common when it comes to things that you can go and do.  Don't get caught up in the long phone conversations - sharing - as a substitute for actually getting together with another person. 

You can't be lazy about letting someone else do all the work of keeping a connection going.  However, I personally never ask someone to do something with me more than 3 times in a row and then if they don't reciprocate, I let it be.  People are busy. So am I.  What you're really going for is a friendship where you take turns with the invitations because that's indicative that the other person is also taking responsibility for having a friendship, that they want it.

For friends who have gotten married and had children and are rarely available, keep up by inviting them to a party, or let them know that you don't mind going along once in a while when they do child-activities.  (Help out with their children's birthday party.  Don't get stuck being the unpaid, on-call, baby sitter.)

So the first time I get together with someone new I usually suggest meeting for coffee or lunch.  Inexpensive - a couple hours of time, including the commute.  I try to find some common ground, some things that they like to do that I like to do too, while we are talking.  Be aware that, though some people like to, when you are just getting to know someone, it is not time to reveal all your personal problems.  (Trust takes time and you can be perceived to be a person who is desperate or who needs therapy.) 

I'm often open to going places with people that I might not be my first choice, just for the adventure of it, unless it sounds like a truly bad idea.  For instance, I'm not much into sports, but I've gone to ball games - and enjoyed myself.  The excitement of the crowd was easy to pick up on and even if I never understand the game, it's fun to people watch.

When someone asks me to a party, because I don't like loud, crowded parties, I will ask them what kind of party they are having before giving a commitment.  But I count the invitation either way and if I say I will be there, I will be - though I don't always stay for the duration.

The second truth is that in this life we meet many people and most of them we can be friendly with but few become real friends.  Being friendly means being superficially nice - after all you have nothing in particular against a person unless they become an enemy - right?  You have manners - right?  For instance you can be friendly to business associates without assuming that they are actually friends.  You can be nice to people you have very little in common with.  But when someone is mean, cutting, presumptuous, and talks to you without respect, or is willing to indulge in gossip...  be careful.  Gossips are very lazy about actually making friends and often whatever you say to them will soon be repeated - even exaggerated.  You'll have no personal business left.

What is a real friend?  Someone who genuinely likes you, can relate to you, and will be there for you when you're winning and when you're loosing.

Missy

SHOULD HE BREAK WITH HIS BOYFRIEND TO BE KEPT BY A CELEBRITY?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Hon!

I'm gay.  I'm out.  I've been in a relationship for a few years now.  We both work.  I make three times as much as my significant other.  That's never bothered me.  We've never even fought about money.  I'm happy to pay for whatever he can't afford.  John is a good man but he doesn't make much money as a social worker. 

Now I met someone else, someone who makes even more than me, Reggie.  I met him just a few times for drinks.  Good conversation.  I told him I was with John.  Then before anything could happen, he made me a proposal.  He says that if I will be his, he will make it worth my while.  I can continue at my work and live right where I am now, the difference is that now I would be more on the receiving end. 

This man is a celebrity, up and coming. He says that he would want the relationship to be, not a secret, but not out there in the media until we're both ready to be a media event. So I would be at his house a lot, meet his close friends he trusts, no one that's going to blab to the National Enquirer. I wouldn't be going out with him on the town except maybe in groups.

I think I know what's attracting me to this besides thinking Reggie is hot.  I'm not cheap or greedy but I can't help myself wondering what it's like to be more on the receiving end.  I think I would like the experience of someone else picking up the tabs and buying me a car, as I did for John.

How do I do this?

Phillip
Hollywood


ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hello Phillip from Hollywood,

When one person provides a lot of wonderful perks and that is their role because the other person's income is limited, there is a relationship dynamic there.  So the first expectation I have is that you'll be experiencing an entirely different, probably opposite, dynamic than you have in your relationship with John. 

Reggie will be in charge and in power?  Will you like it?

Since John is a good man, and he may have become a little dependent on your generosity, please, if you're going to do this, have a gentle talk with him, break with him.  Tell John that you want to have an experience and be free to have it.  You don't have to get into all the details. Don't make him feel sorry for being a social worker because those people work hard and deal with a lot of stress to help other people and we need them.  Be a good man yourself and make the break before you get into Reggie's bed.

I'm putting you on notice though.  If and when you move on from John, don't expect him to be waiting for you to circle on back to him.  You have to take a risk to be with this up and coming celebrity.  You may well find being left at home hard going and long to be back with John.  It will never be your place to make the relationship go public.  Think this through.  What if you have a fight and break up?  Can you resist the temptation to write a Tell-All Book about the relationship and possibly hurt his career?  (Think of all the Tell-All books that Mistresses, who never thought they would, have written !)

As for Reggie being cautious about the media and that you'll be somewhere else or at his house when he's out being photographed with those he does want to be seen with - like maybe a starlet?  That's how it was done in Hollywood for years and years and I understand it. 

Why?

When someone wants to make a living as an actor they have to sell themselves to get work and part of that is being perceived as good for a part and most of the parts are for heterosexuals - and men.  When someone makes their sexuality or sexual preference so much a part of their identity that the general public can only think of them as gay, it usually means less work.  Directors want a man and a woman in a relationship that includes sex scenes to have chemistry. If the audience watches this knowing that one of the actors is gay, they're not convinced it's real.  There's something there that's more important than thinking "what great acting."  It's "Wow, they're not acting!"

So being out in the business really can mean less work even if more and more gay people are out in the business.  When actors who are notoriously straight, such as Michael Douglas or Sean Penn, play gay characters, they already have the insurance in place as sexy heterosexuals.

Are you sure you don't really mind the income inequity of your relationship with John?  Is that really what this is about?

Missy

SHOULD SHE CHANGE JOBS SO SHE CAN STILL HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE MAN WHO IS HER BOSS NOW?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy

A good friend of mine, Angela, is having an affair with her married boss, who I'll call Wade. She's crazy about him and from what she says, he's crazy about her.  They get along really well.  They've always worked really well together.  They have a lot of fun, a good sense of humor between them, and some common interests, like they both love baseball.  Their affair started because a group from her office go to down to the sports bar to watch the games after work to unwind and relax. 

I've known her since we were little girls. I know being involved with a married man is not like Angela.  She's never done this before.  At first I was shocked, especially because this man has three children under the age of six at home.  I really want her to be happy and she is happy.  I don't want to bring her down.

The other day Wade told Angela that he wants her to find another job.  He says that if the old men who are higher-ups find out it could be trouble for both of them.  He reasoned that since she's a secretary, and will get his highest recommendations, it will be easier for her than for him to leave the company.  She's afraid to do that because she's got benefits like a retirement to consider and because she knows then she won't see him as much and wonders if leaving the company will end the affair.

I asked her if she asked him what's wrong with his marriage.  He says the whole scene at home is exhausting and not at all what he had imagined his life would be married.  He loves his children but he says they are all the result of contraceptive failures.  They came too soon and too fast one after another.

Ginny,
Portland

*****

Hi Ginny,

Will Angela really be able to keep working with a man who doesn't want to have an affair with her anymore?  Office based affairs are common and so many people who've had them do break up and stay put.

It's my gut feeling that the affair will end if she changes jobs and that Wade is trying to find a good way out for both of them, but I'm also hoping Angela can break it off and keep her job.  It seems that whenever there's an office based affair it's always the underling who suffers.

Angela will have to negotiate that and if she's in love with Wade, it's going to be really difficult emotionally.  To break up and stay at work with a person require the skills of a great actor, at least for a while.  She will have to go about the workplace pretending she really doesn't feel like crying.  Probably a number of co-workers, supervisors, and other personnel have already picked up vibes and suspect or know there's an affair going on. 

I don't feel too sorry for Wade.  I can't be more encouraging to you for Angela's sake because of the number and ages of his children and the fact that they have a stay at home mom there with them raising them. 

If a man really does not want children, if a couple does not, there are so many options today, which, if they cooperate, are very effective to avoid having children.  I was reading an advertisement in a local weekly magazine that said rubbers are extremely effective these days in preventing AIDS.  If using them prevents the transmission of venereal diseases including the deadly HIV virus, certainly they are effective as contraception. 

Sure they break, but maybe not as much as they used to with better manufacturing methods (Do not use brands not made in the United States that haven't been rated.)  I've met people who got pregnant while using every form of contraception there is, which is why I'm pro-abortion.  But when a couple is not ready to have a child or another child and cannot afford it physically, psychologically,. emotionally, or financially, then they can so use more than one method.  In other words, those babies came "too fast" because WADE WAS THERE!

So my guess is that having three children one after another like that is tied into some very deep irrevocable notions that Wade has about life, possibly tied into his religion and culture, and that of his wife's.

But whatever their life is as a married couple, I think he's scared for his job and career and how he'd find another one to support a family of four.  He may think Angela is terrific and may enjoy her greatly, but this affair comes at a bad time in the lives of his children, their mother, and his.

Of course I could be wrong.  It could be that Angela, with the help of Wade, finds a new better, excellent job, one in which she prospers, uses all her talents and skills, and that comes with better benefits and retirement.  Maybe then he'll find that he misses her so much that he gets a divorce and can be with her.  Surely Angela would hope that he could afford child support, and will not mind as he becomes a weekend daddy for years on end.  Does Angela WANT to be the step-mother of three small children? 
Can she imagine seeing very little of Wade because he will spend a lot of time with them and always have a connection to his wife because of them? 

Ginny, Help your good friend think this through.  Tell her to BE STRONG.

Missy

DO YOU TELL MEN YOU MEET THAT YOU ARE OR ARE NOT "AVAILABLE?" : MISSY ASKS YOU!

Do you tell men you meet that you are available or that you are NOT AVAILABLE even though maybe the commitment you have to your man and he to you is - undefined?

DEAR MISSY : HE'S READY TO MARRY ME AND HIS CHILDREN HATE ME!

Dear Missy,

After seven years with Rex, four of them when he was still married, he has made it through his divorce and a respectable amount of time has passed.  His ex-wife has re-married.  She has moved on and isn't even angry with me anymore. 

His children, it's another story.  They HATE me.  They blame me for the break up of their parents' marriage even though Rex told them when they found out about me that I was not the cause of the problems between him and their mom. I thought for sure they would give this hatred up - and give me a chance - when their mom remarried.  They say they like their new step-father!  They still HATE me!

When I say HATE, I mean HATE.  First all five of them refused to speak to me.  Finally Allison did start to speak to me, but only by making snotty remarks that I refrained from responding to.  Truly, Missy, I've tried to be understanding and kind, but now I'm getting angry and Rex and I have started fighting.  The other day I heard myself say "Maybe we shouldn't get married."  I can't believe that came out of my mouth!

Should I give up after all these years? 

Sandrine


Dear Sandrine,

Not just yet.  What I would do is start making some phone calls to find out if there are any local MFCCs who would be willing to have all of you in therapy together in your area.  Seriously, a friend of mine went with her man and his wife and believe this, they made a mutual decision to end all relationships but there was no hatred, no grudges.) Then I would invite each and every one of them to either enter counseling to resolve any issues or be at peace forever more.  Rex has to give you credit for trying to create family unity.  Finally, if he has asked you to marry him and you already said yes, then it is up to him to withdrawal the offer.  He too has put years into your relationship so why would he?  (So tell him tonight that you do still want to marry him and that what came out of your mouth came from the stress of the situation which you aim to resolve!)

Rex is probably upset and overwhelmed too.  Maybe a MFCC can mediate, or at least get to the Big Reason they hate you.  You don't say it, but is a lot of money involved?  (You may have to get a lawyer involved too!) Try for peace first before war. 

Missy

MISSY's Q and A : SHOULD SHE ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HER EDUCATION?

Dear Missy,

I'm a college student and have been putting myself through with part time jobs.  Since I started my relationship with "Jared" I cut my hours way back. I'm a waitress, and now I don't think I can afford to stay in school.  Jared is an attorney who seems to be doing really well and I've never asked him for anything.  He's given me some expensive gifts, jewelry and a watch, but nothing as practical as tuition.  I don't know if I want to actually ASK, you know?  Jared by the way is not married, but he has also told me he doesn't want to get married and prefers I be his mistress - his word not mine.

Alice in Vermont


Dear Alice in Vermont,

Well, Jared has made it a point of telling you that he doesn't plan to marry you, or maybe anyone.  You should take him at his word.  He also says he wants you to be his mistress.  Have you ever asked him what he thinks the difference between a wife and a mistress is, or what his expectations are of a mistress - you?

Many mistresses do find themselves having to be or stay flexible so that they can spend time with their man.  You must however take care of yourself, your education, and your career, unless he has arranged to support you and for a long time and as a lawyer he knows how to create the legal documents that can do that.  As things are, first it will be dropping out of school and then it will be loosing your apartment or working full time to stay there.  Seems to me staying in school is the thing for you to make happen and if selling the jewelry and watch would pay tuition I would.

So my first suggestion is that you talk to Jared and tell him that you have to take on more hours at your job in order to afford school and that you're sure he understands that.  Then start working more.  Within a few weeks he is going to realize that if he wants to see you and he wants you to live around his availability something is going to have to change.  More than one mistress has been put through college by her man, so don't be shy about that just get the money in cash in hand and go pay the tuition with it first thing - if he offers.  Don't even suggest that you'd be willing to quit school for him!  If Jared takes his leave of your life because you can't be out with him and afford school, let him go.

Missy

MISSY ASKS YOU : ARE YOU MISTRESS FRIENDLY ?

These days someone who is not gay themselves sometimes identifies themselves as "GAY FRIENDLY." 

Are you Mistress Friendly?