HER HUSBAND WANTS TO BE HONEST, LIVE SEPARATELY, and HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I'm going to admit this is not my problem, but there's been a lot of talk about this husband in England whose wife just gave birth, and who wants to be half out the marriage. He wants her to approve his getting his own apartment and living there during the week where he can have sex with other women. He says he will not get emotionally involved with them. This woman will be stuck raising two children on her own and expect him only to be part of the family on weekends. Also he says that she is allowed to date but not have sex with other men.  You may have seen this in the news?

I think it sucks.  What do you think?

Marilyn

New York


ANSWER FROM MISSY


Hi Marilyn

I think this man has been one foot out of the marriage for some time and waited out the pregnancy.  The timing sure is bad. However, people who want out of relationships, men and women, often wait out pregnancies and other life events and crisis, such as the serious illness of a partner, waiting until the youngest child is out of college,  or - until their lawyer says it's a good time.  I so wish our youthful ideas of what relationships are all about were not so idealistic.

It's not unusual for a person to have an affair or affairs looking for another partner before they feel ready to divorce.  That may be rather cowardly but it's not unusual.

We really don't know if this relationship was ever any good.  We don't know how this wife treats her husband. Sure pregnancy, birth, and motherhood can be difficult, but maybe she's abusive. Maybe he can't meet her demands and expectations. We don't know if the children were planned.  Many of us were not.  It can still be good.  But unplanned children are sometimes not affordable children.

Maybe he thinks being separated like this will actually preserve this marriage.

Maybe he thinks he's doing her a favor slowly going away.

And yes, I think it would be better to have a Mistress he cares about than a lot of meaningless sex only encounters, especially because of all the VD and STDs.

It sounds like he's too controlling.

I doubt anyone can guarantee another person that they will not get emotionally involved with anyone else, sex or not.  I wonder what he might reveal to the various women he expects to get into his bed at the apartment; will he tell them upfront that they are only their for sex and not to get emotionally involved with him because he won't with them?

Certainly she should not agree to a relationship that is only Open for her husband.  To me, she should be able to also have sex with anyone she wants.  But I bet she won't.  I'll bet he knows that.

I also suspect that this is a plan of his to gradually divorce.

At best he is confused.

So he should see a therapist and she should see a lawyer.

Missy