FLOBELLE "BELLE" FAIRBANKS BURDEN : EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT HER DIVORCE MEMOIR TITLED "STRANGERS"

 

Everyone is talking about this memoir and it's controversial. Some commentators have the idea that it's outrageous that Belle, a woman who came from "old money" - American aristocracy out of New York City - dare reveal her pain. One commentator - a woman - said in so many words, how dare she feel bad about herself because she went through a divorce, Belle isn't wondering if she's going to have to sell the house and move into a small apartment or what sort of job she's going to have to work to support her children... She was also accused of writing for the purpose of revenge, rather than a need to express herself or process grief.

I remember the day I met a woman who was much richer than me. As we spoke she said, "Everyone has pain, including rich people." I agreed. I think how rare it is for a woman with her privileged background to reveal her truth. So very many people from her social-cultural group - men and women - friends and not so - went against her. Well educated, a lawyer who presently works pro bono on juvenile immigration cases (citizenship), a loving and responsible mother and wife, and an heiress with two substantial trust funds that allowed her to purchase two residents for her family - one in New York City - one on Martha's Vineyard island, Belle had a deep desire to remain married and have an intact marriage. She had witnessed her mother and grandmother's relationships with men. Both had infidelity in their relationships and protected the men. She wanted more and better.

Belle is eloquent and there are passages in the book that are beautiful as well as heart-rendering. She reveals the shock she felt and the many emotional and psychological - and eventually financial  and social - adjustments she had to make in order to get through a difficult time. She was deeply in love with her husband when he seemed to change overnight. 

A telephone message revealed that her husband was having an affair. He said it was brief, he said it was nothing, he said Belle - his wife and the mother of their three children - was his priority. But then he was out the door and didn't even want shared custody. On this, I would say that a man wanting freedom from fatherhood seems to be the worst of it.

Belle did not know if the woman she called her husband's "mistress" was or is still in his life. I simply do not think that a woman is a mistress because she had a brief affair with a man who is legally married at the time. She also does not understand what happened that her husband changed seemingly so drastically.

Although the husband of the woman Belle's husband had an extramarital relationship with might have well intended, I don't think he should have done that. Rather, I think

As for wives staying with husbands who have extramarital relationships - and actual mistresses - every individual has to decide that for themselves. I can say that many do. There are all sorts of agreements that people come to or negotiate in their relationships.

And as for her husband's only explanation being that something switched off in him, believe it or not, that does happen.  Perhaps it was actually happening slowly but the reckoning of it may be sudden. 

As my reader's know, I love to excerpt, but in this case, I will do only one.

Excerpt page 105:  (Belle wants to know more about The Other Woman. One of her daughters was given a name that doesn't match the name she was told, though he explains that it is the same woman.)

... "It was nit the alliterative one I knew, the name that had tormented me since he left, the one I googled multiple times a day, staring at her face on the screen, trying to understand why he had chosen her over me. In addition to having a profile on LinkedIn, she had posted three photos on Facebook - a vacation photo on a boat (her dark hair pushed back with sunglasses), a photograph of a tropical drink (served in a coconut and decorated with an orchid) and her profile photo (another vacation shot, this one at a zoon.) She was fifteen years younger than me, but not a younger version of me. We looked like the opposite of each other, in height, coloring, style.  I thought, he wants something different.

...

I had not reached out to the woman or her husband since the night of the voicemail and the ambulance. Her husband didn't text me or call me again either. An older friend, a lawyer, advised me against any contact.  He said, "It will become messy very quickly, and it will only lead to more misery. It could also, possible, make you look bad in front of a judge when you divorce."  His advice felt like a clear, defined path, one that felt dignified... "

Very many podcasts discuss this book. Here is one that focuses on the financial aspects" called

Thee Wall Street Skinny Ex-Morgan Stanley Bankers: "Strangers" by Belle Burden our HOT TAKE on the Real Finances

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BOUNTY

 

A GUSHING LETTER FROM PRINCE EDWARD ALBERT TO FREDA DUDLEY WARD IS FOUND

DAILY MAIL : GUSHING LOVE LETTER FOUND  and up for auction.

See what you think of this letter that was written when the future King was only twenty-five years old!

When is the last time you wrote and sent a love letter? Leave me a comment!

AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS AND ALL THAT INTENSITY THEY DID BREAK UP FOR GOOD : FREDA DUDLEY WARD AND PRINCE EDWARD ALBERT

Dear Readers, I don't know if you've ever been obsessed with someone or someone has been obsessed with you, but I just don't think of relationships like the Prince had with Freda or she him as at all healthy.

Excerpt page 378-379/1074 e-book: For years Duddie (William  Dudley Ward), Michael, Freda, and the prince were locked in a toxic cycle that made none of them happy. the prince continued to be away often.  In 1924 and 1925 he toured America, South Africa, and South America  Since 1915 less than a third of his life had been spent in England, and such long absences were difficult for Freda and Edward.

***

Freda stopped writing to him while he was on tour in South Africa. Michael got blamed. But he already had another woman writing to him, another mistress named Audrey Coats.  (She was not a challenge and bored him.) Freda felt trapped in her marriage and was depressed, wondering which of her lovers she should choose. Her parents did not approve of the way she had lived her life. ...  Perhaps Edward was actually obsessed with himself!

In 1927 the Prince, though he had Audrey also as a mistress, and also married, was still in love with Freda. Audrey's husband died and was available to be remarried but not to the Prince. She eventually married in 1930 to an American, Marshall Field III of the Chicago department store family and moved to New York!  

Freda also had an affair that year with a rich American, the heir to the Wanamaker department stores! Michael thought she was being cruel to him.  And on it went.  Then Freda did divorce but it made no difference. She and the Prince had always known they could not marry. 

What happened was Thelma Morgan Furness.

For all the intensity and all the years that Freda and the Prince were involved with each other, they finally let go. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if they had wisely done so years earlier.  Breaking up is hard to do, and reading this account, it sounded like torture to me.

I ask YOU, if you've ever been locked into a relationship that should have ended years before!

Missy

GARNERING

 

AN EXTENDED TOUR MEANS THAT FREDA DUDLEY WARD AND PRINCE EDWARD ALBERT MUST BE APART: HE WAS MORE IN LOVE WITH HER THAN SHE WITH HIM

In March of 1920, after the war had ended, Edward was sent on a 7 month tour of Australia and New Zealand. Parting was sweet sorrow and may have made his love for Freda stronger. He continued to depend on her letters to lift his spirits. He also hoped she might be pregnant with his child. Possibly the prince was not able to beget a child. And one does wonder if she had any desire to have another child at all, let alone with a man she could never marry. Even if she was widowed, rather than divorced, there would have been objections to her becoming his wife and eventual Queen.

Excerpt page 287/1074 e-book : Separated from the flesh-and-blood Freda, he idolized her; she became his Madonna or goddess whom he worshipped. ...

Excerpt page 289/1074 e-book:  Edward believed  that Freda was good for him. He claimed that she had set him high standards that he tried to live up to. In both his private and public life. She had made him more of a man and less of a boy. He wrote to her that if only they could live together, "I would become of some use perhaps and have a will of my own and be strong!'...

*****

Back at the palace, the King and Queen - and his brother Bertie - who would eventually take the throne after he abdicated - were concerned that Prince Edward Albert continue to be groomed for his eventual role as King and they wanted him to break with Freda. Freda knew it and believed she should let him go but he wouldn't allow it.

Excerpt page303/1074 e-book:  As with Wallis during the abdication crisis, Edward just would not let Freda go, and bit by bit he eroded her resolve. He used every form of emotional blackmail he could muster....

*****

Back from the tour he wanted to spend every moment with Freda. They tried to be 'just friends' but the passion and love was too strong.  Maybe Freda was tiring of his devotion, for she went ahead and had an intense affair, beginning in 1918, with a man named Michael Herbert, a rich banker with a high status in society, a good reputation and connections and had also fought in World War I. Throughout the 1920's she continued have both lovers. It would seem Michael Herbert was as obsessed with her as the Prince. The two men knew of each other, were jealous of each other, and Freda juggled them, prioritizing the Prince when he was not away on a tour. 

Michael wanted to marry Freda and in 1922 there was talk of the Dudley's divorcing.  But she decided against it because the law at the time was such that she might loose custody of her daughters. Divorces were rare, there was a stigma to it and consequences. 

The Prince had many affairs including with women who were in Freda's social circle. It was clear that these relationships were becoming impossible.

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PRINCE EDWARD ALBERT - FREDA DUDLEY WARD - HER HUSBAND - HER CHILDREN : BUT WHO KNEW THE RELATIONSHIP WAS SO CLOSE?

I suppose when your wife is the most desired woman by a Royal person, especially a Prince who will be King, there is not much you can say.  At least in this case William Dudley Ward wasn't sent away. Freda and William had two daughters before Freda had her affair with Prince Edward, and besides feeling comfortable in the home she made for them, he also reportedly adored the daughters. The four of them had fun together and the children called him Little Prince and were taught to think of as an uncle.

In this passage from Rachel Trethewey's book we learn that he was taking the role of husband and father.

Excerpt Page 263-264/1074 e-book : 

When they were together Edward and Freda created a happy environment for the girls. They never rowed; Freda told an interviewer that he was the gentlest, kindest, most thoughtful man imaginable.  Angie (one of the daughters) recalled how the heir to the throne always gave in to her mother; if she made a proposal to him he would reply, 'Anything to please, anything to please.' Freda explained that if she asked him for anything he was very generous and would give it to her immediately.  However, unlike Wallis (Simpson - the woman he would eventually marry and give up the throne for) she never exploited his generosity. He brought her gifts back from his tours and sent her sentimental presents, but there is no record of him giving her priceless jewelry. Freda used her power over him more for other people's benefit than her own. She once asked him to bail out a friend of hers, who was heavily in debt for several thousand pounds. The prince immediately wrote out a cheque without asking any questions.

*****

Much of London Society knew. His parents, the King and Queen did not.  At one point Prince Edward Albert wanted his siblings to meet Freda. The newspapers didn't report it thought the government knew.  Though they were seen golfing or going to the horse races together, and acted as if they were a married couple, it took a while for the King and Queen to hear rumors that their son was involved with a married woman who he could never marry.

Excerpt page 267-268/1074 e-book:

When his parents eventually asked the prince about his new relationship, he denied it, saying that he did not know Freda better than anyone else. When they later learned the truth they were horrified. The king snobbishly dubbed Freda 'the lace-maker's daughter.'  When Freda's friends heard about this comment they made a joke if it and started calling her 'Miss Loom.' after the weaver's daughter in the card game Happy Families.  Freda knew that the king and queen regarded her as 'a scarlet woman'. She believed that they were always pushing the prince to marry someone of his own rank.

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FREDA DUDLEY WARD AND PRINCE EDWARD ALBERT : REAL FRIENDSHIP

Excerpt page 225/1074 e-book : Freda felt secure in Edward's affections because she knew that she had a powerful hold over him Her power was emotional as much as sexual; increasingly she was not just the prince's lover, she was his confidante and he relied on her for advice  His letters refer to the pleasures of talking to her more often than they mention their sexual encounters. He described her as a real friend to whom he could say anything he felt. He become depressed and anxious if he could not unburden his soul to her regularly....

*****

Was the prince immature and needy as the author, Rachel Trethewey suggests, mentioning that he sometimes baby talked?  Leave me a comment!

Excerpt page 229/1074 e-book:  Freda had a deep understanding of her lover's psychology. Edward soon trusted his mistress enough to be totally honest with her about every aspect of his existence.

*****

Apparently in his letters Prince Edward Albert, who was destined to be the King of England, like some of the other royal men I've written about here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, revealed that he wasn't especially ambitious to be a King and had doubts about the monarchy, thinking it was out of date. He thought of Windsor as a prison and he soon managed to get a house of his own, York House, where he could spend less time with them. Still, he had promised his father that he would take his place and preserve it, especially because the World War I, then called The Great War, had stirred up a fear of Bolshevism,a revolutionary socialist political ideology and system introduced by Vladimir Lenin and the Bolshevik Party in Russia.  It would seem that the man who eventually gave up his throne might not have wanted it much all along.

*****

I can't help but think of present-day Great Britain, and the questions about the future of the monarchy there. I think about King Charles III and the task at hand to modernize it.  

Missy

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