DEAR MISSY : HE'S READY TO MARRY ME AND HIS CHILDREN HATE ME!

Dear Missy,

After seven years with Rex, four of them when he was still married, he has made it through his divorce and a respectable amount of time has passed.  His ex-wife has re-married.  She has moved on and isn't even angry with me anymore. 

His children, it's another story.  They HATE me.  They blame me for the break up of their parents' marriage even though Rex told them when they found out about me that I was not the cause of the problems between him and their mom. I thought for sure they would give this hatred up - and give me a chance - when their mom remarried.  They say they like their new step-father!  They still HATE me!

When I say HATE, I mean HATE.  First all five of them refused to speak to me.  Finally Allison did start to speak to me, but only by making snotty remarks that I refrained from responding to.  Truly, Missy, I've tried to be understanding and kind, but now I'm getting angry and Rex and I have started fighting.  The other day I heard myself say "Maybe we shouldn't get married."  I can't believe that came out of my mouth!

Should I give up after all these years? 

Sandrine


Dear Sandrine,

Not just yet.  What I would do is start making some phone calls to find out if there are any local MFCCs who would be willing to have all of you in therapy together in your area.  Seriously, a friend of mine went with her man and his wife and believe this, they made a mutual decision to end all relationships but there was no hatred, no grudges.) Then I would invite each and every one of them to either enter counseling to resolve any issues or be at peace forever more.  Rex has to give you credit for trying to create family unity.  Finally, if he has asked you to marry him and you already said yes, then it is up to him to withdrawal the offer.  He too has put years into your relationship so why would he?  (So tell him tonight that you do still want to marry him and that what came out of your mouth came from the stress of the situation which you aim to resolve!)

Rex is probably upset and overwhelmed too.  Maybe a MFCC can mediate, or at least get to the Big Reason they hate you.  You don't say it, but is a lot of money involved?  (You may have to get a lawyer involved too!) Try for peace first before war. 

Missy