ASKING FOR IT : THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT by KATE HARDING : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW

We first must understand what RAPE is!  Then we must be sure that our brothers and male friends understand that too. Anyone we go on a date with, anyone we are having a sexual relationship with, should understand that No is No, even when foreplay has gone on. They should know that permission is required every time and permission cannot be given by a woman who is passed out or asleep and that being in a steady relationship or married does not mean that either partner can never say no.

Of course we should also be "careful" but is being "careful" basically limiting, if not ruining, your life?

If you're like me, when I first heard of rape, when I was a teen, I thought it was horrible, almost unimaginable. I thought it was always physically violent and only imagined the scenario of sudden attack by a stranger who was waiting in an alley, in the be with a brute who used his strength, that she had to fight off the man, or try too, or was too scared to and froze and "let it happen." My experience in life was limited and my parents never brought up the possibility.

ASKING FOR IT: THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- and WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT was published in 2015 and is not outdated. Kate Harding is angry, as we all should be.  We might call her "a radical voice," but until there is no more rape on this earth, isn't that the voice that is necessary?  This book should get you angry, rile you up, and make you proactive.  If it doesn't maybe nothing will.

Was there anything in the book that I thought was over the top?  Yes.  It was an attack on academic researcher Deborah Tannen * who has written about how men and women seem to differ in their way of communication. To be fair, I have always hated the Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus books, the idea that we cannot escape gender especially because it seems it is always the woman who has to figure it out, change her ways, to get along with the man. I do think that there are genetic differences between those born female and those born male, and lots of variation as well. I personally do not know how much is socializing or cultural when it comes to expectations of gender, how we communicate, and so on. I think Tannen was trying to show us how we talk to each other - not just men and women but mothers and daughters too - so we can recognize ourselves if it fits and communicate better.

My feminism which idealizes equality for women clashed with reality. So sometimes we have to look at what is, how things are, even as we try for our ideals.

I doubt Tannen was ever coming up with apologies for why men rape (and I do face it that men sometimes get raped too, but usually by other men) and I do think her books are worth reading. 

As Harding points out, in our culture men get away with it, and that is perhaps the biggest issue, for if there is no punishment, or if a woman's experience is trivialized or she is blamed and the man gets an easy sentence, other men figure they can too. She brings up well known gang rapes; I frankly started thinking castration really is the remedy though it does not take a penis to rape and a violent person who still has arms and legs will use them.  My heart is broken for the women who have been, and for those who love them who are also affected. Rape is done by those who hate a woman or women.

C 2023 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

If interested in Deborah Tannen's body of work:   Deborah Tannen  Her books include "You're Wearing That?" - "You're The Only One I Can Tell" - "I Only Say This Because I Love You" and others.

THE ABORTION BAN : MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH

The United States Supreme Court announced the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the 1973 law that made abortion legal in the entire United States. I was not aware that many states already had in place laws that basically say, "We follow whatever the Federal laws are, so now abortion is illegal here too."  I expected states to take time to make decisions.

Looking at maps provided by The Wall Street Journal and other media, I see the West Coast states will maintain legal abortion, some on the Eastern seaboard that we call New England, and there is a smattering also of states that will continue to provide services. 

This article from The Guardian is excellent with details and a map: THE GUARDIAN WORLD: ABORTION DESERTS MAP CLINICS

If you are pregnant and especially if you are poor, you will be forced to endure, possibly die, or pull off travel to another state for an abortion and this article above estimates just how many miles that might be; sometimes a 12 hour trip.  (If you're reading this in another country, perhaps think of this is a pregnant woman having to go to another country where she does not have medical insurance to pay for the abortion. She must come up with travel, lodging, and cash for the operation, possibly taking time off from work or caring for her existing children too. She may have to go alone and recover alone as well.)

I know this will be impossible for many women in these states and so they will go back to the dangers of illegal abortion, with some actually facing prison for doing so. This is barbaric and so we have Supreme Court Justices who are barbaric.  It's a fact : They are Republicans.  Recently someone pointed out to me that the honored President Abraham Lincoln was Republican.  Well, the party has changed. They don't make Republicans like they used to.  I frankly think that many of us are suffering the double whamy of a Trump Presidency and Covid-19.

Sometimes I just don't think anti-abortion protesters are facing reality. One pregnancy in five in the United States was terminated in 2020. Nature intended sex and nature intended pregnancy.  Nature does not pay the rent.

ASSOCIATED PRESS  Excerpt : The report from the Guttmacher Institute, a research group that supports abortion rights, counted more than 930,000 abortions in the U.S. in 2020. 

This number was up from the previous year: Covid 19 likely had something to do with this. Women/ families/the nation were facing economic pressures due to lay offs and financial uncertainty.  (And so were the men involved, at least the ones who were responsible.)

Today we see that violence has erupted, that there are absolutely murderous anti-abortion people out there who belong in prison.  Deep irony in that. 

The conflict is between the idealists and the realists. The idealists depend on a mythological past we cannot go back to and probably don't want to go back to if we could. 

I say, end all sex trafficking.  End rape.  End forced marriage.

Make all wages paid out livable income - better yet income that will provide for as many children as nature intends because nature is a bitch and does not care if women die like they used to, worn out from pregnancy and birthing and caring for all those children.

Make sure that all children are born into healthy, stable, and sane partnerships in which one partner does not have to earn income and can stay at home to raise the children, even home-school them. Make sure that no parent dies before all their children are adults who are self-supporting.

While you're at it, make sure there is no sex until marriage and all marriages are made in heaven and last. 

Make sure that everyone who wants to go to college can and that there are appropriate jobs for all those college educated people.

Oh, and by the way, make sure everyone is a Christian, preferably a fundamentalist.

You, my reader either already know what I'm saying or you get it.

This is NOT the world we live in, not our reality.

There are very many issues to address and so much change that is needed but these last few years have been especially challenging and difficult. It's not that abortion is a sacrament, it's that only women -those who have wombs - can become pregnant and have abortions and so very much work and responsibility is on us. We are vulnerable.

Missy

C 2022 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot All rights reserved including Internet and International Rights

HIM and HIM and HIM and HER and HER and HER

MALE FEMALE MASCULINE FEMININE HETEROSEXUAL HOMOSEXUAL BISEXUAL TRANSSEXUAL : MORE LABELS THAN EVER

This Valentine month here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot, I pause a bit from the more usual Mistress of the Month format to look at a special topic... gender and sexuality. 

Do you have a Valentine who isn't heterosexual?



There are more ways to label yourself - and others - than ever. You no longer have to be or choose male or female, heterosexual (straight) or homosexual (gay) or bisexual (excited by both male and female persons) or pansexual (whomever turns you on.) There are MANY labels to describe how you experience yourself in your body and what turns you on and one of those does not include the body.

In keeping my promise to myself and my readers, there won't be anything pornographic in my posts or links. Should I receive comments, I hope some of you will have some suggestions for Mistress of the Month (or Mantress of the Month, a term I came up with for Kept Men) who are in relationships less conventional that the Classic Mistress. Do you know of someone who is perhaps Transgender and being Kept?  (Send me links to books, articles, media...)

Is it possible that the reason Mistresses of the female heterosexual variety are the most known is because as women not fitting a traditional role they are the most scandalous?  Is this a sexist bias?

I want to help you explore these gender and sexuality possibilities because they open up the definition of Mistress; when I hear of a Woman Keeping a Man, which is rarely compared to a Man Keeping a Woman, it's almost always a heterosexual relationship and with that come notions such as traditional roles and "role reversals."  

I've known of Older Gay Men Keeping Much Younger Gay men but there seems not to be many publications on that topic. Is that because it's more common in the gay world and being gay is more scandalous than being Kept?

I find labels only useful when you're seeking one and then only temporarily. Labels can be like a diagnosis. People can be self limiting using labels because once you declare yourself, you're still dealing with other people's expectations and stereotypes. So is claiming to be Pansexual a best option?

An example of how labeling can hurt your psychology? I was introduced to a friend's boyfriend and instead of saying his name and what he does for a living, he said "I'm HIV."  Not I have HIV but AM!  This diagnosis was no doubt life-changing for the man, but he was and is so much more!  OK, those two declared themselves gay long before they were involved with each other.  

I never knew what to think of another couple because the more masculine person, genetically male, kept saying he was NOT gay though he was involved with another man who declared he WAS gay for years. Perhaps Bisexual might have been a more realistic assumption for him because he once had a girlfriend?  Does that leave the option open that before you die you might find a woman attractive?

I'm more of an advocate for your personal privacy about your sexuality than not at a time when people are confusing being Candid with being Honest and Honestly with Transparency and so many people have made themselves public figures in a desire to be popular or famous who aren't even celebrities. I still think it's none of the business of your employer, for instance, what you do sexually or with whom. It's not professional to be talking about your personal sexual adventures or the details of your relationships at work or in your profession.  (The time to mention your commitment to your boss is upon your engagement (if it's in the papers) or by invitation to your wedding when you might have to change insurance.  Until then, don't take anyone on a date to the office party!)  I guess I still think there are situations were Coming Out is not a good idea. After all, you might change your mind or have an experience you never thought you would.

To research for this month I encountered lots of information on the internet that I want to share with you.  I'll also try to have some fun with this topic and give my opinions.  After all, we can't always be serious.

Missy

PS:  As mentioned in Pages, Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot complies with the Google Public Blogger guidelines and there are no sexually graphic images or language here.  There are no ads attached at all as I have not approved any.

Please keep any COMMENTS to the level of college classroom discussion.  I ask a lot of questions in this post.  Perhaps you'll want to answer one of them!

JUDY COLLINGS MEMOIR FRANK ABOUT FAMILIAL ALCOHOLISM and DEPRESSION

SWEET JUDY BLUE EYES
MY LIFE IN MUSIC - Judy Collins

I listened to Judy Collin's e-book because she reads it herself: I love hearing the author read their own words and in this case, as in Carly Simon's e-book, previously reviewed here at Mistress Manifesto when I featured James Taylor's Mistress Evie as Mistress of the Month, also sing some songs. In Judy's book she reveals her relationships with Stephen Stills, who wrote the song Sweet Judy Blue Eyes for her during their relationship.  He was several years younger and eventually that was a problem.  More so, she hated LA and went to live in New York City.  They managed to stay friends for four decades and in 2007 a tape of unreleased music from their 1968 affair was discovered and released as "Just Roll Tape."  She's still confused about why Joni Mitchell rebuffed her friendship but is thankful to her for the international hit she had with Joni's song Both Sides Now. She was the first person in popular music to include the song of whales (1962).  As she says she was considered an "overnight success" after many years of showing up.

Judy Collin's life also intersected with Joan and Mimi Baez, Bob Dylan, Lucy and Carly Simon, Joni Mitchell, Leonard Cohen, Phil Ochs, Janis Joplin, and Stacey Keach - who she had a long relationship with, and many others in the music business. A youthful pregnancy resulted in a beloved son who followed in the footsteps of his mother and mother's father into alcoholism and depression and suicidal thoughts.  In his case he did suicide.  The marriage didn't last.  Years later after finally coming to terms with her alcoholism, Judy Collins did marry again and that marriage has lasted.  She says she had an attraction for the "dangerous ones" who "slipped in and out of other women's lives.

As she came to adulthood and the folk music scene in the 1960's, and to folk music she has been true though she considers her song choices and writing to be eclectic, and was once a member of a group in favor of open relationships and partner sharing as well as a Yippie (like the Chicago Seven), it should perhaps come as no surprise that Collins was a sexual explorer. She had some one night stands when married and touring and fell in love repeatedly.  Her story of driving 16 hours alone in a borrowed car to have an illegal abortion and then breaking down on a moonlit road reminds us that abortion must remain legal.  Another time she was in the car and began confessing to her husband that she was having an affair with another man after they hit a rabbit on the road.

I found her frankness refreshing.  Though no intimate details are given, Collins was no stranger to the Story of O, group sex, sex with women, and a "sexually hip" lifestyle.  (All of which makes me feel downright conservative these days.)  She was ill at times; TB, hepatitis, and voice endangering alcoholism.

So if you love her voice, are a fan of music memoirs, or are battling some demons yourself, you may find this memoir well worth the read.


Missy

C 2018 All Rights Reserved Book Review

NOT PRETTY ENOUGH - HELEN GURLY BROWN - MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW

Readers of COSMOPOLITAN magazine, those who remember Helen Gurley Brown as the ultimate career-woman who was editor for many years and those who don't, will be interested in this biography which isn't the one Helen herself would have written.  Helen Gurley Brown (married to David Brown, a film producer), came up the hard way, had a sister and mother to support, and made it to Los Angeles at a time when most women were not career oriented.  Most women of her generation who worked quit when they got married, or when they were married with children.
HGB wrote more than one book in her lifetime.  "Sex and the Single Girl," came before her editorship, and was almost an expose on the fact that yes single women had sex.  It was full of girl-friendly advice. Because of it she was linked with Hugh Hefner and his Playboy Magazine empire in pop culture and overall was not considered a feminist.  (There was but one nude male centerfold in her years at Cosmo and that was of actor Burt Reynolds with his belly button near the staples airbrushed.)  HGB also wrote a couple of fun memoirs of sorts with confessionals such as that she bit her toenails.  No one could accuse this extremely hard working woman, who did marry "late" and never had children, of not having a sense of fun or humor.


According to author Hirshy, HGB often used real life examples in her own books, taking the experiences she had with one man and turning him into a variety of characters for instance, and what makes reading her books and then the "reality," more difficult is that HGB often had many simultaneous sexual relationships going on.  Some of her best women friends found that concerning.


HGB publically acknowledged in interviews that married men have affairs, how dumb could you be to not know that!  She was pro-Choice.  She had been hired and fired or quit dozens of secretarial jobs that included sex before she finally got that editorship when she was near forty years old and her husband helped her get it.


But why the title "Not Pretty Enough?"  On the cover of the book we see a photo of a happy HGB who is wearing fashionable clothing and cosmetics and has big hair to be envied.  Perhaps it's because HGB often referred to herself and women like her as "Mouseburgers."
She /they were not handed any advantages.  They had to self-improve.  This she did. She self improved not only with cosmetics and fashion, but exercise and diet.  She improved her apartment locations and her interiors.  She also improved on her friendships.  Never one to forget poverty or prioritizing her mother and sister, Helen could pinch a penny and was seen taking public buses.  She saved for years to buy her own auto.
What my readers here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot will find most interesting about this book is Helen's affairs.  I'm not going to ruin all that by telling it all.
So get yourself comfortable and crack open the book!


C 2018 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot
All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights.

END OF THE YEAR THOUGHTS ON MISTRESSES and the UPCOMMING DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENCY

Donald Trump is our next President of the United States, our 45th.  I've read around this past years election like no other election year, was not a Trump supporter, and have some serious concerns about what will happen when he and the Republican conservatives he will surround himself with, will do about women's issues, such as the right to get contraception, Choose abortion (which should be affordable), and so much else.

To stay on topic though, let me say that his appeal is in his promise of a new prosperity for the United States, something that I'm all for.  However, I'm not sure if to Republicans this means not only FULL EMPLOYMENT but LIVABLE COST OF LIVING WAGES.

Several people I know who have college educations and once had nice careers have been unemployed for years and are only eating enough because they get SNAP (Food Stamp) benefits.  I suspect that during Trumps administration, this thrice married man and alleged womanizer and sexist (who is a feminist when it comes to his daughters and their education, careers, and businesses), will, with the help of the conservative cast he has assembled around him, manage to create conditions in which there will be more mistresses than ever. And I'm convinced that if ever the truth could be revealed we'd find more Republicans have mistresses than Democrats!

These mistresses won't all be involved with married men but they will be Kept just the same, perhaps not in the Classic Mistress manner, but Kept.  Busy and wealthy,  the men who keep mistresses will delight in having a person and place to come home to that is an escape from all that Washington.

As we enter into renewed prosperity, if the business men who dominate his cabinet reinforce sexism in the workplace and in life in general, the men's income will go up, and women's will go down, creating a perfect scenario for women needing some financial help, some to survive.

May I suggest that in an attempt to deal with these conditions, more women than ever will leave men who do not make good incomes and more women than ever will go back to traditional dating rituals, such as remaining virgins until marriage or celibate between committed, serious, marriage prone relationships, expecting men to ask them out, make all the arrangements and pay for the dates?

You see, some people, including The Rules for Dating Girls, Ellen and Sherry, have long believed that when it comes to romance, it is only right to let gender considerations determine who does what, such as who is the pursuer. If a man cannot afford to impress a woman with his personality, manners, education, income, and potential to rise in life, he cannot date at all.

One of the many benefits of the feminist movement for men is women taking some responsibility for these traditional male roles.

When a man is a millionaire or billionaire (remember Trump's promise to reveal his tax returns?), he can afford a harem, which is what a man like Trump would do if he were in say, Saudi Arabia.  Here in the U.S.A, we expect people to divorce a spouse rather than keep him or her around when things aren't going well.  Trump has Ivana, Marla, and now Melania, all tied to him by children. It's as harem as it's going to get for the U.S.A.
However, it used to be that a divorced man could not expect to win the White House. The American public has wanted married men who stay married and seem to love their one wife and families as their President.  As such, Presidents who did womanize or have affairs or mistresses, kept their wives.

I wish the Clintons had been able to say, "We are dedicated to staying married, but we have an agreement that we can fool around."  That certainly seems to have been the case. I think it hurt Hillary Clinton that she stayed with her cheating husband after they left the White House. The woman has been called a lesbian, hated, cold, and a number of other adjectives that dismiss that she's worked hard in her professional life to make good things happen for average people. Yet it seems the era of the Clintons is over.

At the end of four years I think President Trump will be humbled and the country will be geared up for a revolution that ends the Republicans for good.  Other parties will begin to form and stand on different, more reality-based platforms.

Yours,
Missy

JEANNIE CRANE and "SWEET CONNIE" CONNIE HAMZY : PROUD GROUPIES WITH NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR

JEANNIE CRANE, who went to her first concert at 16,  loved Ted Nugent... 

SWEET CONNIE HAMZY of  Little Rock Arkansas, who set out at 15 to be a Groupie, loved Alex Van Halen.

This YouTube video posted in 2010 is from a Hard Copy broadcasted in Australia and my guess is that the telecast is from the late 1980's.

Here's a little more information for you. 

CONNIE HAMZY wrote a book called "Rock Groupie: The Intimate Adventures of "Sweet Connie" from Little Rock" which was published in 1995.  (I haven't been able to get a copy of it, but it's a tell all, and one site mentions that it mentions...Don Henley, Keith Moon, David Lee Roth, Merle Haggard, Huey Lewis... while on other sites about interviews she did, it says that she said that she was in love with Alex Van Halen, and that he was her best sex as a result.  Connie has, perhaps, claimed a record for years as a groupie and numbers of music men she has been with as a result of conquest and making herself available as her reputation proceeds her.


Note August 2017  A reader wants to know if Connie had sex with Vince Neil at 16.  You'll have to read the book and see!  I do not know!  Missy

Old video replaced June 2021  (Couldn't find a new one that included Jeannie Crane.)

DECLARATION FOR ALL OF US! : Safe/Safer Sex

"I practice Safe/Safer Sex.  If a person refuses to cooperate, then I don't have sex with them."

Since the days when John C. Holmes was diagnosed as HIV positive - and kept it a secret - there's been some advancement in treating HIV  (the virus that causes AIDS) and keeping it in control and from becoming AIDS, full blown and deadly. 

Actor Charlie Sheen has recently come forward as HIV positive, there are plenty of drug cocktail options as well as experimental therapies in many other countries for those who have the wealth to option them as Charlie and many others have. It used to be thought of as a GAY DISEASE but that isn't true.  Since then we know HIV/AIDS can be transmitted through the transfer of blood through needles - especially shared illegal drug use, contamination - blood transfusion and unclean hospital equipment, any form of sexual activity in which there is blood, including menstrual blood, and that the virus has been detected in other bodily fluids such as saliva and tears.  We know that babies can be born sick with it, transferred from their mothers.  We know that people give and get HIV by rape.  We know that people can get it the first time they have unprotected sex or if a rubber breaks.

What all this means is that you have to be careful and especially that you have to TALK ABOUT SAFE/SAFER SEX with a potential sexual partner BEFORE YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF having sex with them so that you're in agreement. 

It doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is.

YOU - YOUR LIFE - and the PEOPLE YOU LOVE are all worth saying NO to SEX otherwise.


There are MANY web sites that deal with SAFE/SAFER SEX, HIV, and AIDS but let's look at the one that's officially the CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL for the UNITES STATES

CDC - HIV BASICS

C 2016 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot  All Rights Reserved

IT'S (RARELY) ALL ABOUT SEX!

These days, any teenager who can get her hands on a Cosmopolitan Magazine can learn about sex - having and giving pleasure - countless interesting positions. There is so much emphasis on outside appearance and expertise in the bedroom - and so much pressure on young women. But while these things count, when it comes to having and holding any INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, neither great beauty or great sex (or both great beauty and great sex) can hold a man who is not in love and feels no responsibility towards you.

As a mistress (or mantress - we'll use this term until we can find a better one!) you may remain unmarried (or become his only woman) to your mister because he feels responsibility to his wife and/or children. He may or may not love her or them, or love them in a different way than he loves you. This is why some men only make the break when the children are grown and doing well on their own, which can be a long wait. It's not true that only selfish or irresponsible men turn to other women or that he is "escaping" duty by being with you.

That's why it's a good idea to take a critical look at any relationship you are in. If you are sure that you can make the break when you need to, AND YOU REALLY ARE NOT WAITING for someone to make up their mind to be with you, you may make a great mistress. A great mistress doesn't wait around for a man to commit to her if what she really wants is a marriage. She makes the best of TODAY while keeping an eye to her future...