Hello to all my loyal readers!
I know you are, like me, anticipating the New Year here at Mistress Manifesto, a BlogSpot that I've been posting on for many more years than I ever imagined possible when I started out. We focus here on alternative relationships, in particular that of the Mistress, the person who is involved with someone who may not be completely dedicated to her the way a husband might be, which can be a form of polyamory. This exploration takes us into the study of women's lives, historically and in the now, how much has been determined by sexism, what women have had to do to and still do, in order to survive or thrive.
I hope you will find this year as interesting as you have in the past, as I've carefully selected the People who will be featured here and feel ready to start. As always, if you know of someone I should feature, leave me a Comment with some book or article suggestions. I do intend to be inclusive or all genders and sexualities.
I've delayed till tomorrow the beginning of my 2023 posts so that I can talk to you about the importance of being realistic. Not "positive" but realistic.
Like many of you, I became obsessed with following the coverage of the murders of the four college students in Idaho, who have had their aspirations cut short due to senseless brutality, and the manhunt that has been ongoing. A massive amount of money and manpower has been unleashed in order to find the killer or killers, including old gum shoe methods and the latest technologies, local and state police, and the FBI. Thousands of tips have come in, though in sorting through them, most have been found to be speculations. I do have my own ideas of what happened there and why.
Since November 13th, when these four murders happened, I've read hundreds of articles and watched so many videos on YouTube. By now I know which YouTube video posters will waste my time and which amateur sleuths are trying to keep it professional. I'm glad to hear that a professor is suing a Tik Toker for repetitive accusations well beyond any speculations for defaming her character. I hate the idea that strangers are accusing ANYONE and are becoming harassers and stalkers. I do trust that the experts are doing everything they can to solve this murder mystery and will perhaps with an arrest(s) prevent the person(s) from striking again.
In one of the videos in which an ex FBI investigator spoke about the possibility that the murders were committed by an INCEL, I became intrigued about these women-hating men who apparently are pro-violence to women. So, I did more research and also listened to more videos about INCELS including one video in which young women gave their opinions and ideas about why some men can't get dates or get too far in relationships.
To be honest, I was shocked and dismayed.
An INCEL is an "involuntary" celibate male. By involuntary what is meant is that these men believe that they deserve to have sex with a woman or many women, that it is a right, but they have failed to have encounters or relationships with one or many women. These are failed seducers. They seem to think that encounters with women should always include sex. They are not complaining about sexless marriages or relationships. Therefore in their sick minds they think a woman owes them, or women in general owe them. Since they are not getting sex, they also feel the right to hate women and to do violence to them. They are perhaps the extreme of unrealistic.
Deep into this cult, which is apparently mostly men who are bonding on the Internet, there are horrible untrue beliefs such as that women falsely accuse men of rape based on some small incident or whim. That certainly reframes the notion that women deserve to be raped and that reporting rape is bunk. Frankly, I think INCEL men are probably all mentally ill and dangerous. But I do not know a woman alive who has not been effected in some way by women-hating men, INCEL or not.
First and foremost, NOBODY OWES ANYBODY SEX. Not even if you are married.
I once read about someone who had the audacity to put into the marriage prenup that the woman had to have sex with him three times a week. I thought that was disgusting. Obviously someone who is totally unrealistic about life - how things and people change as years pass - thought up such a prenup. Making sex a DUTY. Making it an exchange of financial support, a transaction, this man made a partner, the person who he would hopefully make it through life with, a prostitute. Worse, this man was not thinking that he owed his wife a certain amount of sex as well although it is implied. (I wonder if she put in an orgasm clause!) I think nature intended a relatively short reproductive time, followed by years of nurturing and raising offspring, and then inevitable aging with infertility, menopause, and a physical inability to have sex all part of the human experience. I also suspect people who think marriage is about sex to be superficial. To lack heart.
NOBODY OWES ANYBODY SEX.
People do have their arrangements. We hope for a compromise that satisfies all persons involved.
So who are these INCEL men? Are they unsuccessful with women based on looks or height like some of them think - that it's all about looks - or have they not actually done much to have a relationship? Is it their lack of social skills or bad personalities, or are they so depressed over a failure that they talk themselves out of ever trying again?
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO HAVE A WORTHWHILE LIFE! Many people today are not interested in a traditional lifestyle and can't have one even if they are interested. Change is upon us more rapidly than in the past. Many people are CHOOSING to be celibate. Celibacy is not a punishment. Others choose polyamory, and to be involved intimately with more than one person at a time.
Hating women is nothing new. Throughout history women have not been considered deserving of equality and only in recent decades and in the 1st world - ie the "Western" societies - have things improved a bit. Women have been defined by their biology, their ability to bear children, and the dependency on others, especially husbands, to raise them. When it comes right down to it, to this very day, women are the ones expected to do most of the care-giving of children and parents, for instance. Contraception and Safer Sex, however, allow humans options to have sex without bearing children or being defined by gender or wracked with diseases that used to kill us.
There is more opportunity for women to also go to college, get educations, and have careers, than ever before. Exactly what the three women who were murdered slightly off campus re the University of Idaho were doing. I will not say, however, that women go unpunished when employed for "taking time off" such as to have babies and care for them for at least a few years until nursery. A woman who wants to have a more traditional life will have to partner with another person who can earn enough to support them all. Women are exploring independence and by becoming self supporting can choose marriage rather than be forced into it by society or family.
Where we're at is that a majority of women, even those married to responsible men who are mothers, also have to work for money. Gone are the days in which a woman could live with her parents until marriage and then be a stay-at-home wife and mother who never had to be employed for money and self-supporting. Some men have become snobs about the women they will date or marry, also seeking women who can "take care" of them by financially supporting them, or bringing in a second high income, so the pressure on women to be beautiful, fit, educated, and high earners is also on. Yes, some companies allow new fathers time off to bond with their babies. Some unmarried people adopt or have babies without partners...
Think about it. Your life - your friends - what options did they have or do they have?
A lot of babies - up to half in some parts of the United States - are being born to women who have not married and have in fact been abandoned by men, which is an epidemic. These women have the government as their husbands, depending on social services and programs. So there's that. Men who have sex, feel they have that right, and are irresponsible. These are men who apparently did have sex, but did not or cannot love.
There is a relationship between an INCEL and a stalker, in my opinion. That is because stalkers often invent relationships that do not exist in their minds, create a whole fantasy world, and the subject of their intent interest is often unaware of it. She thinks he is a see-ya-around friend, and is startled to discover that the mystery bouquet of flowers was from him. They broke up but he has not given up. He takes her politeness or being nice to mean way more than it does. He does not hear it or see it or understand it, when she is not interested, though she's with someone else. This is obsession. It is not love.
I do think that some INCELS can get out and away from their cult, their mindset, though I suspect porn addiction and Internet addiction as part of the problem. So if you are an INCEL or simply hate women, I suggest that you get into therapy with a psychologist (i.e. not an MFCC) if possible. Figure it out. Don't let your entire life be messed up over your mother, your first girlfriend, someone who molested you, or someone you're obsessed with who really doesn't know you. Also, consider the possibility that by hatred of women and non-involvement with women what's really going on is that you are not attracted to women, that it's an excuse. (I once had a friend who had no problem meeting women or asking them out, who over the years met a hundred women or more, some of whom were very interested in him, but he always found fault, saying he was just not attracted "enough" and I finally got it, if he did not, that he was gay.)
Here is my best advice at the moment for those of you who feel or are alone in this life without wanting to be. Perhaps these can become New Year's Resolutions.
Get out there. In person. You're shy. Introverted. So what? If you think shy people or introverted people are all isolated or never have relationships, you're wrong. Shy and introverted people who are not always blaring their opinions are sometimes thought of as blessed relief. If you have no one to go and do things with, still go. Get to the museum, the art gallery opening, the cool coffee house, or the library. Take yourself out for dinner. Be among other human beings, even if it is simply to observe or do your own thing. Make some idle chit chat. We all have to find our niche and, as we change, find new niches. For some of you, it will be a church or spiritual search that becomes important.
Make your lists, then throw them out. Many of us have had the experience of determining who Mr. or Mrs. Right might be and write lists. On-line dating can be about matching the lists. However, chemistry or attraction is nature's wild card. When we get out there we sometimes find that the person we're attracted to is off-list.
Beware the Dating Site Lurker. While useful, much depends on how you go about it. Use one fairly recent image (from the last six months) that shows you at your best, but not doctored up. After a few e-mails or other e-communications, either meet or give it up. But beware of what I call the Dating Site Lurker, someone who basically is not sincere and is wasting people's time or waiting for them to make all the effort. Women, I've met the man who is on several such sites with alert coming to his phone from women who he seduces, and then openly evaluates, and what's really sad is that some of these women tell him they only want sex, when that is not true, but it gives him the free pass. It's better to get out there and meet people in person from the start.
Consider friendship first. The now classic film When Harry Met Sally, has been elected to be preserved because of it's cultural context. Not all friendships can or do turn into romances, but some do. For those who are shy or slower about intimate relationships, getting to know a person as a friend first can make the difference between partnering or not.
Upgrade your Image. Men who are shorter, balder, or otherwise for some reason evaluate themselves as unattractive should, as women should, present their best selves. People evaluate based on what they think you CAN do, and what you CANNOT. To be honest, the thing they think you CAN do is be at a good weight. However, the thing that I've noticed men do when they go against themselves, is decide that they deserve a woman who is much better looking than they are. If you have weight, well, a woman with weight also is probably a better match. And so on. The other thing you can do that can make a difference is to be sure you are neat and clean and dressed well enough. So get rid of the worn down shoes, the broken eye-glasses, the ground-in-dirt pants, and if you wear a uniform to work, don't wear it when you go out socially.
Don't Loose Yourself in the Party.
Time to get off booze or drugs, even for "recreation." With the exception of medical marijuana (where legal) and moderate to little consumption of alcohol - with meals - avoiding life, including the stress and pain of life, in such unhealthy ways, will do you no good. A high percentage of those involved in the Greek Life become addicts and alcoholics. I have no way of knowing if those who were murdered were addicts or alcoholics but I suspect it because Greek Life and Party Houses are known for these behaviors that are, to me, immature and Overall Not Safe behavior and sometimes include rape and Unsafe sexual behavior. Videos of the "kids" (no they were adults who apparently held jobs and did well in classes) possibly stumbling around at the food truck after a night of drinking at the bar, reports that sororities and frats were on probation for booze, alcohol, and HAZING violations, also make me wonder.
As for the Idaho Four...
It is not enough to have a friend along with you when you party, unfortunately. It must be someone who will stay straight, do the driving, get you both home safely, lock up.
Allowing parties at your house when you are not home is also Unsafe behavior, as is allowing people to have the code to front door or bedroom door locks. (The Manson murderers broke into and made themselves at home at other residences before they murdered.)
I also feel that posting photos of yourself, especially sexy images, on the Internet is not a good idea. At best, turn the options to private and limit these to your family and closest friends. You do not need to prove to the world constantly that you are beautiful or having fun. Create a system in which people you trust will know where you are and with whom without feeling that you have to report in or always ask permission.
Kaylee's known for calling people at all hours, even middle of the night, over trivial things, like what she should cook? Did I get that right? Did her sister say that?
Well, this is not adult behavior. Adult behavior is that you consider that other people may need their sleep, have to get up for work, classes the next day, tests, or other responsibilities. It's childish, demanding, and needy, behavior.
What keeps a person immature? According to A.A. members, the time you spend on drugs or booze is time not spent maturing.
Not a one of the Idaho Four deserved to be murdered. Nor do we wish to live in a society in which evil lurks and insane people go bezerker on the innocent. I truly hope that the murder(s) are caught and convicted.
With that, an especially sobering message I realize, I do wish all of you prosperity and peace.
Missy
March 2023 I very slightly edited this post and re-read it. I stick with my viewpoint and my advice.
