ASKING FOR IT : THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT by KATE HARDING : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW

We first must understand what RAPE is!  Then we must be sure that our brothers and male friends understand that too. Anyone we go on a date with, anyone we are having a sexual relationship with, should understand that No is No, even when foreplay has gone on. They should know that permission is required every time and permission cannot be given by a woman who is passed out or asleep and that being in a steady relationship or married does not mean that either partner can never say no.

Of course we should also be "careful" but is being "careful" basically limiting, if not ruining, your life?

If you're like me, when I first heard of rape, when I was a teen, I thought it was horrible, almost unimaginable. I thought it was always physically violent and only imagined the scenario of sudden attack by a stranger who was waiting in an alley, in the be with a brute who used his strength, that she had to fight off the man, or try too, or was too scared to and froze and "let it happen." My experience in life was limited and my parents never brought up the possibility.

ASKING FOR IT: THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- and WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT was published in 2015 and is not outdated. Kate Harding is angry, as we all should be.  We might call her "a radical voice," but until there is no more rape on this earth, isn't that the voice that is necessary?  This book should get you angry, rile you up, and make you proactive.  If it doesn't maybe nothing will.

Was there anything in the book that I thought was over the top?  Yes.  It was an attack on academic researcher Deborah Tannen * who has written about how men and women seem to differ in their way of communication. To be fair, I have always hated the Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus books, the idea that we cannot escape gender especially because it seems it is always the woman who has to figure it out, change her ways, to get along with the man. I do think that there are genetic differences between those born female and those born male, and lots of variation as well. I personally do not know how much is socializing or cultural when it comes to expectations of gender, how we communicate, and so on. I think Tannen was trying to show us how we talk to each other - not just men and women but mothers and daughters too - so we can recognize ourselves if it fits and communicate better.

My feminism which idealizes equality for women clashed with reality. So sometimes we have to look at what is, how things are, even as we try for our ideals.

I doubt Tannen was ever coming up with apologies for why men rape (and I do face it that men sometimes get raped too, but usually by other men) and I do think her books are worth reading. 

As Harding points out, in our culture men get away with it, and that is perhaps the biggest issue, for if there is no punishment, or if a woman's experience is trivialized or she is blamed and the man gets an easy sentence, other men figure they can too. She brings up well known gang rapes; I frankly started thinking castration really is the remedy though it does not take a penis to rape and a violent person who still has arms and legs will use them.  My heart is broken for the women who have been, and for those who love them who are also affected. Rape is done by those who hate a woman or women.

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If interested in Deborah Tannen's body of work:   Deborah Tannen  Her books include "You're Wearing That?" - "You're The Only One I Can Tell" - "I Only Say This Because I Love You" and others.