IS 18 TOO YOUNG TO BE A MISTRESS? OR SHOULD SHE GO TO COLLEGE ON HER OWN DIME?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hey Missy!
I just turned 18.   Am I old enough to be a mistress?  I met someone who wants me.  He says he'll put me through college.  My mom can't afford it.

Jenny
San Diego

ANSWER FROM MISSY

You're "legal" Jenny.  Should I say "just barely?"

There are lots of college students who are making it through with ways and means besides trust funds and parental contributions.  There are always student loans (but many go unpaid.)  There are also in California the much less expensive community colleges where you go for a couple years picking up credits, get an Associates Degree, and transfer from there, with lots of students getting grants, scholarships, working and going to school part time.  I think this is a better idea that going to any technical or specialty college.

There are also students going to the UC's who are working as strippers and exotic dancers and legal but sexual masseuses (which seems to lead to prostitution and porn but not always).  There are some students who have a Sugar Mamma or Daddy who pays all of their expenses including housing, or help as they can afford to.

But few.  All those ads in the back of free newspapers?  Ignore them.  Sadly what's for sale there is usually girls who had to run away from home and are homeless and abused.

So since going to college does not depend on having a mom who can afford it or rich parents and there are ways to go that don't require being someone's Mistress, let's go to the question of OLD ENOUGH.

My feeling is that 18 is way too young.  My feeling is that a woman should not even consider being a Mistress until she's at least 28 years old!  I know it can be argued that age is "just a number" and it's experience that counts.

WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCES DO YOU HOPE TO HAVE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS?

I choose 28 because by that age most people have already had some sexual experience and a good idea of their orientation.  The stats say that by then most have married.  Most have supported themselves for a while.  I don't believe anyone should marry until they have lived on their own and been self supporting for at least a year.  Better, with a realistic sense that if they ever have to, they can make it on their own.  By 28 some of your girlfriends will have married and divorced and be single mothers.

Finally, 28 is about when many women start to get the sense that there aren't too many men out there to choose from.  That sense is actually correct but remember that statistics do not predict what will happen to you in particular.  By 28 a certain percentage of men will be sure they are gay so they are not for you!  Many are happily committed in marriage or living with someone they will eventually marry.  If they are happy, then they are not for you!   If they are happy they won't do more than worship you from afar. No one ever said that getting married means you will never ever feel attracted to someone other than your mate!

Then there are the men who are not attracted to you and never will be, even if you are attracted to them.  Again, not for you!  It seems that men count on their attraction to a woman in their choices much more than women.  Still, because of Internet dating sights, even those over 50 are finding someone to be with that they wouldn't normally meet in the course of life.

So I think "give it ten years and see what happens."

From 18 to 28 you will have lived a lot of life, know more - especially about yourself, be more mature, and you can think about what's happened so far in your life and reassess.

I suggest you go to your closest community college.  Explain your situation.  Talk to their Career Counselors and Financial Aid.  Take some tests to assess your interests and abilities. Even if you try it out with just one class this fall, why not try it, even if you work at a fast food restaurant too!  And Jenny, I thought your question was important enough to run my answer here in plenty of time for you to get it together for the fall semester.

Missy

COLLEGE STUDENT WOMEN SIGNING UP AT SUGAR DADDY WEB SITES FOR COLLEGE TUITION/ PERKS : OPINION BY MISSY

KSDK : SUGAR DADDIES HELPING COLLEGE WOMEN WITH TUITION

EXCERPT:  Lauren's sugar daddy gives her between $500 and $2,500 every time he sees her. She says they meet an average of three times a week, meaning he gives her at least $1,500 a week, but she says sometimes her weekly cash haul from her sugar daddy is more than $4,500. Lauren says she saves the cash to pay for her UMSL tuition.


Missy here!

There's a video and good article at this link including some stats about college women in the Saint Louis Missouri area who are signed up at Sugar Daddy sites. A point made by one of them is that she is going to get out of college without student loan debt.  To me this is about matchmaking with the understanding that one party has money to give and wants to.

Of course there's a psychologist warning that these women don't know what they are getting into, but if women who are smart enough to get into college and succeed in their classes don't know...  Well, that would be like a man who orders a bride from another country not knowing what he's getting into...  There should be precaution.  There should be getting to know one another first before making any sort of commitment.  In any relationship we try to create that is the case.   We never know how it's going to go.  We can have a traditional relationship and it can still end in heartbreak.

There is a concern that these web sites are actually about prostitution but I don't think that because there is more to these relationships than sex and the women seem to be sticking with one sugar daddy at a time, dating him.   To contrast that with prostitution, they are not being pimped, they can end the relationship if they want to, just as the sugar daddy can.  A prostitute doesn't have relationships, meets for the duration of sex, has multiple partners, often on a daily basis and not of her choosing.  At least one of the sites does background checks and none of them see their businesses as prostitution. I also don't think that any of these sites is taking a percentage of any money given or taken by the couple.

I put myself through college and sometimes  when I had to buy books and supplies I didn't even have enough to eat. There were many situations I experienced where students who had more money had more access to opportunities that were important to a career after graduation.

I also want to say that no one seems to think badly of a woman if she manages to be a stay at home wife, totally supported by her husband, without her having children, without her having an education or a career of her own.  It's uncommon now to find a woman, even with small children, who isn't working at least part time.  If a woman goes from being Kept to being a Wife, with the same well-to-do man, it's like she's absolved of all the sin it was assumed she was doing..

I have to say that I don't know of anyone who uses these sites on either end or anyone in a Sugar Daddy - Mistress dating situation that met on line.

(See my next post on the subject where again I express my concerns about prostitution.)

MISSY's Q and A : SHOULD SHE ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HER EDUCATION?

Dear Missy,

I'm a college student and have been putting myself through with part time jobs.  Since I started my relationship with "Jared" I cut my hours way back. I'm a waitress, and now I don't think I can afford to stay in school.  Jared is an attorney who seems to be doing really well and I've never asked him for anything.  He's given me some expensive gifts, jewelry and a watch, but nothing as practical as tuition.  I don't know if I want to actually ASK, you know?  Jared by the way is not married, but he has also told me he doesn't want to get married and prefers I be his mistress - his word not mine.

Alice in Vermont


Dear Alice in Vermont,

Well, Jared has made it a point of telling you that he doesn't plan to marry you, or maybe anyone.  You should take him at his word.  He also says he wants you to be his mistress.  Have you ever asked him what he thinks the difference between a wife and a mistress is, or what his expectations are of a mistress - you?

Many mistresses do find themselves having to be or stay flexible so that they can spend time with their man.  You must however take care of yourself, your education, and your career, unless he has arranged to support you and for a long time and as a lawyer he knows how to create the legal documents that can do that.  As things are, first it will be dropping out of school and then it will be loosing your apartment or working full time to stay there.  Seems to me staying in school is the thing for you to make happen and if selling the jewelry and watch would pay tuition I would.

So my first suggestion is that you talk to Jared and tell him that you have to take on more hours at your job in order to afford school and that you're sure he understands that.  Then start working more.  Within a few weeks he is going to realize that if he wants to see you and he wants you to live around his availability something is going to have to change.  More than one mistress has been put through college by her man, so don't be shy about that just get the money in cash in hand and go pay the tuition with it first thing - if he offers.  Don't even suggest that you'd be willing to quit school for him!  If Jared takes his leave of your life because you can't be out with him and afford school, let him go.

Missy