QUEEN VICTORIA's MYSTERIOUS DAUGHTER (PRINCESS LOUISE) by LUCINDA HAWKSELY : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW

 A Biography of Princess Louise by Lucinda Hawksley

This book held some surprises. Not familiar with Queen Victoria, other than to hear she had married her many children into so many noble households that she was called the Grandmother of Royal Europe, I had no idea that she had a daughter who unconventionally married a commoner, Princess Louise. Louise was Queen Victoria's sixth child and fourth daughter. This Princess was an artist and sculptor who created many excellently designed and executed statues to honor her mother which are still on public display. Much of this book is devoted to Louise's artistic achievement. 

There's a possibility, certainly the author suggests this as an explanation, that Louise was so unconventional that she actually had a child without marriage that was put up for adoption. (Who might that have been, we wonder, but there is no hint.) Officially, she had no children.

She was encouraged to marry but was hesitant to marry at all, as one man after another was dismissed as a possible husband. What Royal Princess could remain unmarried? She accepted the future 9th Duke of Argyll, Lorne, in 1870. Her siblings and her father, Bertie, were against the match but Queen Victoria prevailed. The marriage was no love match. On her honeymoon Princess Louise took along her dogs. It's possible that while the Duke accepted that she was barren, what might have happened is a sterilization by the doctor who delivered her illegitimate child or simply the birth of that child was too traumatic. It may be that the couple lived separate lives from the start. So why?

While I read the book, I considered another possibility, which the author did not, and that was that perhaps Louise, illegitimate child or not, simply wasn't heterosexual. She would not have been the only person who found themselves uninterested in marriage, or men, or who was married to another person who was not heterosexual, in order to be socially acceptable. 

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VICTORIAN ERA ENGLAND AND IMPROVEMENTS FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS

 Page 309 :

".... All the great courtesans of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries treasured their autonomy and guarded it jealousy, an impropriety which marked them off, more than most anything else, from their 'respectable' sisters. This was so even though the position of women - particularly married women - in the mid-nineteenth century was better than it had ever been.  It is hard to imagine, at the beginning of the twenty-first century, the profoundly radical changes to the position of women about the Divorce Act of 1857, and the Married Women's Property Act of 1882. Before the latter a married woman could own no property (although among the very rich, pre-nupital settlements often circumnavigated this), nor even control any earnings she might have (this was changed by legislation in 1878), and she had the legal status of a minor, on par with children, criminals and the insane. Although prior to 1857 she could be divorced by her husband, she herself was debarred from filing a divorce suit - or any other kind of legal action - against him. Most critical of all was the fact that the husband had complete control over the children, who like his wife, were his legal property. A woman had no redress. In the case of her adultery, for instance, a husband could - and invariably did - simply take her children away from her for good.

The Acts of 1857 and 1882 changed all this.  As well as divorce and other law reforms, the nineteenth century saw many other campaigns by women to improve their circumstances - the campaigns for the vote, for the expansion of job opportunities, and for better educational rights all belong to this period..."

ARE YOU A FEMINIST?

Britannica defines FEMINISM

  

FANNY MURRAY EXCEEDS HER RIVALS IN FAME

By the late 1740's Fanny Murray was the most popular Courtesan in London, far surpassing her contemporary and historic rivals. Thousands of prints of her image had been made and circulated.

"Fascination with every aspect of her life, from her lovers to her wealth and beauty, was no longer the lone preserve of male admirers, and extended well beyond the world of gallantry.  As already noted, reputable women, who might not have wished to receive Murray in their homes, were none the less keen to follow her as a fashion icon and to copy her style. ..."

"Although Murray was thinking about withdrawing from prostitution at this time, and eight years had elapsed since she had first been acclaimed the toast of the town, she was still at the top of her profession, the very personification of style and an unparalleled arbiter of taste. Even after Murray had settled into marital respectability, magazines like the Centinel still presented her as a leading trendsetter and influential woman of fashion." (page 70 NaN0)

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For the rest of her life, despite a marriage that endured, Fanny and her husband would never escape her past completely, kind of like what has happened to Monica Lewinsky, never a prostitute or a mistress or a courtesan, who's brief affair with President William Clinton as a young woman, has made her infamous, though she has lived many years past it.

I suppose the criticism and mockery that Fanny endured also says much about popular culture in Georgian England at the time.  For so many of the elite did buy sex. But as it is today, those selling it rather than those buying it are the ones who pay the highest price.  Missy

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IMAGES OF FANNY MURRAY in the BRITISH MUSEUM COLLECTION

BRITISH MUSEUM : IMAGES OF FANNY MURRAY 

Like many of today's celebrities, Fanny Murray's image and lifestyle was an important aspect of promoting her in her youthful years and satisfied the public's curiosity. Original art was turned into prints, making it possible for more people to possess an image of her. It wasn't all positive publicity. She was also poked fun of.  For instance, one of the satirical images at the British Museum is of her having her toes washed by a maid while three men leer and perhaps wait their turn to spend time with her.

Fanny lost her looks as she aged and she knew it.

The lifestyle she lived was hard on women in it and many of her peers died before they reached old age. Many of them also did not have the opportunity or ability to invest or save for their senior years. Then again, they lived in a time when many women died in child-birth or because they gave birth to many children, zapping what strength or fortitude they were blessed with genetically. When I learned that she had been 'losing her health' for years and the reason for her death was unknown or undisclosed, but that for about six weeks prior to it she was seen by good doctors, I took a guess that she died of some form of cancer.

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MISTRESSES MAY BE THE ONES YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ABOUT : BETTER TO BE NEVER MARRIED THAN DIVORCED?

In search for Mistresses of the Month (and other Kept individuals) to feature here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot, I've come to the notion that the most successful mistresses may be the one's you never know about.  

Why?

To start, many relationships that are Alternative are kept secret through discretion simply because those involved know that they don't want or need condemnation as they are outside the "normal." Pressure is (still) strong not only to be married but stay married (more so in certain cultures.) People feel this not only because of family values but because of their careers. For some not being heterosexually married is (still) a career issue.

I recall sitting with some women friends at a café one Saturday morning years ago and the discussion was "Is it better to be never married or divorced?" I thought it was better to be never married. My friends felt that it was better to be divorced. Divorced meant to them that you were looked upon as a normal person who wanted marriage and so, you failed. Better to have tried this traditional coupling and be known for it.  Better to have lost at love than be perceived as having never loved.

Since then I've met people who have been married many times. Someone I worked with married five times and had children with each partner. (He tended to be the type who let women choose him and be the ones who pursued him as well. He was OK with step fathers taking over the fathering. Maybe he saw himself as a sperm donor for career women?)

The other day a man was telling me that he had "lived with" several women. In five minutes he explained a love life that went on for many years, seven live-in partners, no children.  When I said "Wow you're a cat with 12 lives!  Married seven times!"  he made a point of correcting me. Those live in situations were not marriages. It was as if he was saving himself for marriage.  I did think there must be something wrong there.

Here's what I was thinking. How seven women may have thought that if they lived with him they would become married to him. How, if that was what they wanted in life - marriage - they wasted their time on him. How many mistresses who have been with one man outside of marriage for years have more stability, more love, a better life than their peers who are living with men who will not marry.

I think mistresses should live apart from their men, have a life outside their extramarital relationship. Any man who keeps a woman aside of his marriage should understand that and help her make that happen.  (If you're a mistress reading this, please do not live in isolation and waiting.)

This month I was thinking about Lady Walker (Jewell DiAnne/Dianne Walker) and how little I was able to find out about her. 

Obviously there were many people in Houston society (high society) who knew about her and J. Howard Marshall II, and that was probably true of his family, possibly his wife, his friends. But to this moment, it is not too easy to learn more about her. If her daughter had not written a book, all we might find out is the public information about a lawsuit. Though this relationship was happening for the most part before the Internet, if she, he, and that society were not more discreet, she probably would have "made the papers" in those years.

Consider that some of the other women profiled here who lived years earlier than Lady did "make the papers" accused of immorality, gold-digging, or held at arm's length by society.  Newspapers intended to shame them or make them infamous.  Some of these women wanted to be famous because they were self supporting in careers in entertainment. 

How many Mistresses have continued their relationships without becoming known or do now?

I don't think we'll ever have reliable statistics about that.

Missy

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NOBLE MISTRESSES IS EARLY MODERN SPAIN - A SCHOLARLY and COMPELLING WORK

SCHOLAR WORKS : GVSU : by GRACE COOLIDGE 2007 

While researching I came across this academic paper by a student named Grace Collidge.  It's title is compelling: “A VILE AND ABJECT WOMAN”: NOBLE MISTRESSES, LEGAL POWER, AND THE FAMILY IN EARLY MODERN SPAIN. It focuses on Mistresses in Spain from 1360-1600. Author Collidge researched over 40 Mistresses, This paper is also about the flexibility of illegitimate status as well as changing ideas about what marriage is and when having sex is OK. It says the influence of the Catholic church was strict but there was also an emphasis on forgiveness.

EXCERPT from page 201

In Spain, if there was no legal impediment to their parent's marriage, illegitimate children were known as hijos naturales and had some legal rights of inheritance if they were acknowledged by their father.  If the parents of hijos naturales subsequently married, then these children were automatically legitimated. The Siete Partidas, which is not very clear on the various categories of illegitimacy, nevertheless notes that natural children are called "natural: for the reason that they are begotten contrary to law, and in opposition to the natural order. The other, and much more problematic, category of illegitimate children is that of hijos bastardos or "bastards" whose parents were legally unable to marry at the time of their birth. The various types of bastards are again classified by the nature of their parent's sins.  Incestuousos are children of parents who were related within the prohibited degrees of consanguinity provided by the Catholic Church, adulterinos are children who had at least one parent who was married to someone else, and sacrilegos were children who had at least one parent bound by religious vows.

The mention of sacrilegos reminds me our Mistress of the Month for October 2011 was STEPHANIA SOLOMONE In Love With A Catholic Priest Unable to Marry. I was unable to find an update on how she is a decade later but I don't think she had children with the priest she was in love with as she said their physicality never went beyond hugging..

CROSSING DELANCEY : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

The Pickle Man!  Once upon a time just about every woman who watched this film in 1988 came out of the theater wanting a husband like The Pickle Man, even if they were not Jewish, living in New York, or working at a book store.  The man is played by actor Peter Riegert and beautiful actress Amy Irving is the young woman with a job and apartment who almost becomes the Mistress of a snobbish literary author who does readings at the independently owned bookstore that she works at. Oh the days pre Internet, pre cell-phone, pre on-line book stores!

A fictive film based on the cultural changes that independent Jewish-American women experienced years ago, such as marrying men who were not Jewish, attempting to be single mothers without financial support from men, and rejecting the good intentions of their grandma's. And oh the matchmaker in this film is something else. I'd be afraid of her!

What changes Isabelle's mind about Sam, isn't her girlfriend who wants him, but that he hadn't actually hired a matchmaker after all.

Enjoy this one!

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MAKE ME A MATCH : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

Like the film Arranged, which is fictive but focuses on American a  Jewish woman, this film is set in Israel. And the matchmaker in this film says all the matches actually come from God, so long as the parties are open and not standing in His (or her) way.  One woman who is divorced and with children says she is considered too picky and uncompromising.  (This accusation is usually targeted at the women in both films.  We are expected to modify our lives to suit others.)

I was interested in these people who are modern and living in Israel. 

And in this case an American (apparently there is a whole expat community of American Jews in Israel who live there without their families) man is also profiled.  He mentions that no physical contact with women is aloud, and well, the question is, what of celibacy? This man has the misfortune in that he owns a comedy club and that's his living so what woman wants that?

Would you PRAY for a husband or wife?

What does this pretty divorced woman want out of a man anyway.

There's pressure to have Jewish children, especially because of the Holocaust. And so a Jewish man needs a Jewish wife.

It was cringeworthy to hear her advised that a woman like her, older, divorced, needs to GRAB A MAN WHEN HIS WIFE DIES.  The matchmaker mentions various women who married such a man before a year after the wife's death was up.  (Was I mistaken in thinking that a year of mourning was important in the Jewish faith?)

This is not in the film but it is an opinion of mine.  Mistresses who are Not Jewish be aware that sometimes a Jewish man will only marry a Jewish woman.  If you're involved with a Jewish man, even in the United States, and want to be married, find out what his true intention is.

Missy

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ARRANGED : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

 This is a fictive film, but it was realistic, and is about an unlikely friendship between two young teachers, one an Orthodox Jewish woman and the other from a Muslim family.  Both women insisted on education and a job before an arranged marriage.  The principal of their school is a modern woman who wants them to choose to be modern too and it's especially difficult because the multi-ethnic and racial students are being encouraged to be open and accepting of each other's differences.  The Muslim woman's family seems far more modern and are personally arranging for her to meet men.  She also manages to help her Orthodox Jewish friend's matchmaker find the perfect match for her friend.

The pressure upon the Jewish Orthodox woman to marry just about anyone by her parents and the Matchmaker are cringeworthy.  Anyone who has ever gone on an arranged blind date with Mr. or Ms. Wrong can relate.

It occurs to me as I watch this film and the other's I'm review this month that today's women are right to want their independence and choose who they wish to marry or not marry.  However, it seems to me that some parents have offered no guidance at all and that women sometimes are ignorant of what's important to them personally.

As well, royalty and aristocracy has continued to arrange marriage, or at least make it clear what expectations are and see to it that their children only meet others of their set, class, or caste, so that they will "fall in love" with someone likely to be approved of.  Today Western women often have affairs or relationships before marriage and, as we know, some continue to do so, as do their husbands, after marriage.

 Perhaps in the case of the Orthodox Jewish woman or a Muslim woman, it's assumed that the companionable couple will find love or learn to love their husband, especially because they will have children together. Are these marriages Mistress-Proof, unlike the unhappy arranged couplings of royals and aristocrats?  I have no way of knowing.

But I think their lives are so controlled that they probably don't dare because their families as well as their communities are involved.

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A SUITABLE GIRL : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

Far from the television series in which a Matchmaker with International Clients including Indian-Americans, meets up with mostly educated, mostly well to do clients, though I believe one of the situations explored in this film is the daughter of that very same  series Matchmaker, this documentary includes women in India who want to get married but are of modest means.  It's tradition that the daughters leave home and go to the home of their new husband and usually her mother and father in law, where she is to please them. Though this is the tradition of the culture, and everyone knows how that goes, there is still great sadness when a loved daughter leaves home.

It's considered NOT NORMAL to be NOT MARRIED.  And sadly, even intelligent, well educated women who have a career started are expected to give it all up.  Education and independence make them undesirable.  In one situation explored in this film the bride believes that she will perhaps have to give up her work and move to another city for her marriage but that she will be able to join her father-in-law and husband's company.  Instead she has to give up modern clothing, wear saris every day, cover up in public, and do the family's political interests proud.

Perhaps the most horrifying to me was the Bombay Rotary Club meeting in which three potential brides got to meet a roomful of men, and the overweight woman was not selected by any of them.

Perhaps on the positive side, horoscopes are generally checked to see if the potential couple are a good match.

Of most interest to me was the woman who was a teacher of children, perhaps an only child in a modest family,  In other words from a poorer family, a humble one.  Yet years have gone by and at thirty she has not been married.  She attempts to find her own mate using a dating site and the first man and his family come to meet her family.  Though the two seemed to have interest in each other, it turns out they are all rejected because they are too poor for the other family, which causes the parents great distress and the woman a profound depression.  She is a round woman but also pretty and seems to have a good personality.  Finally she begins communication with another man from a dating site and this time she is successful. He is handsome, has a warm and wonderful personality, and seems to feel he is the luckiest man in the world.  And so a happy ending... I loved when her dad burst out in tears because she was leaving home.

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LOVE and SEX IN INDIA : DOCUMENTARY FILM: MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

India is primarily Hindu, secondarily Muslim, and both religions arrange marriages.  This film is about just how rigid that system is.  It is illegal to send a private investigator out to ask questions, illegal to have abortions, and both dowries and the caste system is illegal.  However, investigators routinely go out to get dirt on a potential bride or groom, women have abortions - especially to be rid of female fetuses (femalicide) and so the proportion of women available for men to marry is shrinking. People who run away to marry someone they fell in love with that their parents do not approve because they are of a different caste, and severe physical punishments if they are caught happen.  It's inexpensive to buy acid to throw in a woman's face for refusing a groom and men can be beaten to death as well.  These "Honor Crimes" have their defenders and lawyers who will go to court to defend them. As a result there is, profiled in this documentary, a shelter where couples go and hide and a tiny room of a temple where they can be married.  That they eloped and it's a done deal does not mean either of them will ever see their family again.

So, if you, like me, have studied yoga, and are of the opinion that India is a very spiritual country, well, it's also a difficult one to live in if you are a modern woman, one that doesn't believe in love as a reason for marriage.  Despite the Kuma Sutra sex position manuals and romantic Bollywood movies, sex - even kissing - is not allowed before marriage.  A woman without a husband has no status. 

And perhaps the biggest taboo of all is homosexuality, although transgender people - considered the 3rd sex and mystical - are accepted. 

All very sad, very distressing.

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MEET THE PATELS : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

What do you do when your mother considers herself to be a successful matchmaker herself, but you can't seem to find the "right one" to marry and you really want mom off your back?

MEET THE PATELS is a documentary film that focuses on Patels, apparently one of the most common East Indian surnames in the United States and a name which also implies a certain caste. Handsome East Indian-American men experience a clash of cultures, the tradition of arranged marriage or finding their own partner in life, called a "love marriage." The idea is that if two people are matched well they will come to love each other, or learn to love each other, or discover what love is together. Generally, arranged marriages is how their parent's met. Aren't they happy? Doesn't a person's attitude has much to do with their parent's marriage, the marriage they have judged to be good or bad?

One thing that impresses me about East Indian Matchmaking in the United States is that the potential mates are often willing to move their lives to another city and state to make the match.  Sometimes the bride or groom, mostly the bride, comes from India to a new marriage and a new country.  What an adjustment that must be!  This means that family will either be distanced or follow.

I enjoyed this one.  It does have a happy ending.