THAT'S LIFE

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S JUST AN AFFAIR or IF YOU'RE A MISTRESS?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

How do you know if you're just having an affair or are a person's Mistress?

Shannon

Fort Lauderdale

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Some affairs do become "more."

Most don't.

It might be easier to say what's not. A hook up. Friends With Benefits. A one nighter. These experiences are not worthy of being called affairs. 

An affair can be sexual or seem to be all about sex, for a while, but it needs more involvement to stay interesting and evolve into a relationship. More romance certainly. It should be a love affair. A connection of intellect, or hearts, or something such as a strong interest in a mutual endeavor in addition to attraction. Generally this means at least a couple months of consistently seeing each other and having a variety of experiences together in which to get to know each other. A year would be better. This is true of any budding relationship.

My advice to women is to try to get to know a person better before having an affair, to not get into a pattern of always meeting up for sex and not going out. 

But that becomes more complicated if one or both people are living with someone else already. Being a Mistress does not require adultery or sneaking, and the supposed thrill of sneaking is overrated. Anxiety or fear of embarrassment is more like it. However, if someone has a commitment and they can't keep it, they need to figure out what's next for them.

Being a Mistress doesn't always require that the richer person totally support the poorer one, sometimes it does. Rather the endurance of a relationship because first of all it has become a relationship, is key.

Wishing for the relationship to endure, the couple must come to an understanding and agreement on how they intend to stay in each other's lives.

Such agreements or arrangements are sometimes evidence based rather than spoken or negotiated. If one or both has previously partnered and has a commitment, which they can no longer honor, they need to renegotiate that. (It's only fair that the partner gets to decide if they want to stay or go. The indecision can be troubling and might require therapy.)

Some Mistresses are like second wives. Some hope to be and get to be only wives. However, it is my suspicion that some wives want their husbands to have a Mistress, rather than he sleep around. Some wives accept, are knowledgeable, or even become somewhat friendly with her husband's Mistress. There's a lot of man sharing happening. Know why? Because men who are shared have something to offer more than one woman.

It could be said in some cases the Mistress preserves the man's marriage to his wife. So much depends on the expectations and how someone sees life. Temperaments and personalities. Also the time of life one is in.

A person might not want a full time relationship any more.

So, a woman cannot be shy about stating what it is she wants and needs with a man. This means taking a risk. It doesn't mean demanding. 

Missy

ONE FOR EACH OF YOU

 

FEE FII FOE FUM - WHAT'S IT LIKE TODAY TO DATE A BRITISH MAN? MISSY SPEAKS ON WHAT SHE THINKS OF BRITISH DATING RULES

Maybe we'll have to rely on some stereotypes here, especially because both Great Britain and the United States are ethnically diverse. I think that means culturally diverse and then there are class issues to consider. However, after reading around the subject I think I can give you 21st Century Foxes a few clues!

British men will seem more reserved than American men, more mannered and formal in general. They are less likely to get too touchy feely when you dance slowly with them. You may need to tone down your exuberance though because all your enthusiasm can come off as trying too hard and even fake. (I'm a little suspicious of over exuberance myself.)

Which leads to that more alcohol is consumed. Expect you'll both have at least one drink on a date. It's used to bust through the formality and without it he may not warm up and tell you how he feels. (Careful though because alcoholism isn't easy to overcome.)

British men are more concerned with grooming and might more often fall into the MetroSexual category in your way of thinking, with men in Britain making more effort with their hair and nails and, reportedly, even plucking their brows. (Cool! if to get rid of the bushy haywire but not so if too pencil thin.) British men are more likely to be clean, neat, and smell good. (What's that aftershave you're wearing?)

He doesn't think he needs his parent's approval. (But if he's young, never married, and rich, he will want them to like you, believe me.)

If he asks you out, he doesn't want to be friends. You might want to meet him for coffee or lunch just to check him out but he wants to go out at night. If you want to check him out attempt to go out in groups or do group activities to check him out. (I'm all for the afternoon dates and slow to get to know you so this would be difficult for me.)

If it helps you any, if you go out with him twice he thinks you're his girlfriend. That can quickly get complicated because he may think you keeping your options open is actually "cheating!" (I don't like this at all!)

Dates can be No Big Deal activities. Don't expect the limo ride to an expensive restaurant any time soon. Unfortunately sex can also be No Big Deal.  (I'm good with the first and not at all good with the last.)

You need to be introduced (and on-line meeting can usually suffice) as they are not going to approach you, a stranger, in public, just because you happen to see each other out  somewhere. (Luckily, with such good manners, being out with your mutual friend, you will be.)

Don't go down a list of questions in order to quickly profile or "know" another person. It's rude.(I agree!)

A confusion of expectations since Old Fashioned gender roles are desirable yet British men want to "Go Dutch" and split the costs of the dates?! (This one is crazy making to me. I think whomever asks the other person on a date should plan it and pay for it. I would not recognize the plan as a date.  I pay for my self when out with friends.)

More forgiveness if your date doesn't go so well. Loose the car in the carpark? Drink a little too much and throw up? I have no idea just how far forgiveness can go. (If it's being kind hearted and less demanding because we're all human, Great. Unfortunately, I've ignored too many red flags in my life.)

Interesting conservationists and well read?!  Yes!

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THE DUCHESS : A FILM ABOUT GEORGIANA SPENCER CAVENDISH, DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE : MISTRESS MANIFESTO FILM REVIEW

Based on a book I did not read by author Amanda Foreman, the film is stated to be historically correct. It features actor Ralph Fiennes, as a difficult and demanding Duke who is entitled and sexist and not much interested in his wife, other than her reproductive ability and his need for an heir, and Keira Knightley as Georgiana Spencer, a young noble woman whose mother insists she marry for prestige and money while still a teenager. She did and became the wife of William Cavendish, 5th Duke of Devonshire and mothered the 6th Duke. The real Georgiana lived from 1757 to 1806 and while her marriage was hell, she made a mark on society due to her beauty and personality, her social acumen, and her gambling habit. Blessed with charisma that just about everyone but her husband got, the Duchess decided to allow a young woman, Bess Foster, who her husband could love, into their home and so this marital arrangement sufficed, while reportedly she also had some love affairs herself. It is suggested that the young woman, a penniless mother who had left her own marriage, may have been bisexual or at least given Georgiana some lessons in how to enjoy pleasure but more likely the two women man shared. 

It was a relief for Georgianna, who comes from a different branch of the Spencer family that Lady Diana Spencer came from and seems to have been brutalized emotionally by her husband.  The scene in which the married couple come to terms with their mutual unhappiness is the only one in which the Duke seems to have some empathy. As a result, I cannot call the relationship these three people had a Love Triangle for there was no love lost for Georgiana. It's the kind of film that reinforces a woman's feminism, knowing that no one should be forced into a marriage or forced to stay in one that is this horrible.

Link to a lecture by author Amanda Forman about Georgiana on YouTube. Awfully good. Georgiana had affairs with women after realizing that her husband didn't like or love her.

Bess Foster was, according to Forman, a fake - a person who would make herself pleasing to one person at a time by studying them. Bess had an affair with both of them for about a year and during that year Georgiana finally became pregnant - as did Bess - both with the Duke's child.

YOUTUBE: AMANDA FORMAN on GEORGIANA and the DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE

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ABOUT SIR JOHN BETJEMAN THE POET - WHAT DID SHE SEE IN HIM? AND WHAT DID HE HAVE IN HER?

While Lady Elizabeth Cavendish said nothing about her relationship with Sir John Betjeman, he was, before his recognition and as a poet laureate from 1972 until his death, a public figure. To clarify, a poet laureate is defined as a poet appointed for life as a member of the British royal household or one who honorarily represents a particular country. He was extremely popular. The honor came from Queen Elizabeth II. Born in 1906 he was not a young man when he was given this honor.

An only child who was a bit alone and didn't enjoy sports, he recognized poetry as his profession young and hated school as a boy. College at Oxford turned out to be much better as at least there were some literary people there he could relate to. He left there in 1928 without a degree but within a few years he published his first book of poetry.

POETRY FOUNDATION - John Betjeman

INTERESTING LITERATURE ; 10 GREAT BETJEMAN POEMS EVERYONE SHOULD READ

He was introduced on a country weekend to Penelope, his wife, who was from an upper class family that thought she could do better. He was considered to be a middle class man of Dutch heritage, not their kind.

World War II he, his wife, and his first child went to Ireland as an attaché to represent Britain. At one point the IRA wanted to assassinate him. It didn't help that being from a Dutch heritage he was at time taunted that he was the enemy - a German. He was suspected of being a spy.

He loved architecture, especially churches. He became known for architectural preservation of London churches. He was Knighted in 1969.

Betjemen had a sense of humor as well as the keen observer's view point. A number of thematic films for television were made that were popular among the British. These films were designed to showcase a series of poems. As someone who observed and commented on ordinary life, it's my idea that people from all walks of life could relate to his work.

In a YouTube video, called The Real John Betjeman, a documentary of 45 minutes or so, various people who knew the man give their opinions on what he was up to with a wife and mistress. I was glad to find this video which includes a bit about Lady Elizabeth Cavendish.

YOUTUBE VIDEO : THE REAL JOHN BETJEMEN Poster is Aaron Marchant - Poetry and Verse. Source is UK Channel 4 and it appeared in 2000. 

It's suggested that the big crisis in his marriage was when Penelope converted to Roman Catholicism while he remained Anglican. It's suggested that the couple loved each other but were incompatible. (It's not lost on me that Catholics were not to be divorced but Anglicans were able and that he wrote poetry about churches and was involved in preserving some. Am I the only one who sees her move as a Big Rebellion against her husband?)  At around 33 minutes into this documentary, an "expert" who is not identified says "What John needed was a sort of a Victorian wife who would minister to him - almost a nursemaid."  Another expert says he thinks it would have been impossible for him to go on if he had not met Lady Elizabeth!  He says John and Elizabeth always lived in separate houses and that was the arrangement. (Yes there are some photos of her and the two together.) So at least there was an acknowledgement of her, unlike many an obituary; even the New York Times focused on the poetry and avoided his personal life.

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TAKE NOTES

 

THE ROLE OF A LADY IN WAITING

 WHAT DOES A  "LADY IN WAITING" ACTUALLY DO?

The answer may be "everything." Sometimes called a "maid" I can't promise you if you get a job/role being a Lady In Waiting you won't do some house work, but a Personal Assistant is more like it. Except the at the women who do this work don't get paid.  They are usually from rich families or in rich marriages and of the nobility themselves and don't "need" to work for pay. It's an honor and a tradition. So is paying what's called "room and board" or for travel expenses. Usually a Queen or a Princess (at least the ones who are working) has several. Some of these women travel with the Woman of higher rank or perform certain functions such as attending to public duties while others might be on what's called "a two week rotation" followed by four weeks off, so it's part-time, yet not too flexible. Sure there are perks. Seeing close up the work of the Queen or traveling the world with a Princess can mean seeing history in the making or watching a marriage fall apart.

According to an article in Women and Home, entitled "Who is the Queen's Trusted Lady-In-Waiting And What Exactly Does She Do?" by Laura Harmon, published in April of this year, the Queen, Elizabeth II, has had a trusted Lady-In-Waiting by her side for decades and this woman even attended the funeral of Prince Phillip, the Queen's husband, with the Queen. (We all know how restricted the attendance was for that event.) Her name is Lady Susan Hussey, a Baroness, who first came into the Queen's employ about the time Prince Andrew was born and the Queen needed someone to do the secretarial duty of making out Thank You notes. Lady Susan was made a Dame Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order in 2013 and this is the highest rank personally granted by the sovereign. Just as our Mistress of the Month, Lady Elizabeth Georgiana Alice Cavendish was, for her work for Princess Margaret.

According to Cheatsheet.com, an article called "The Surprising Duties of Royal Family Ladies in Waiting", by Milla Henson, published in May of this year, The Mistress of Robes takes care of the Queens wardrobe - including what tiara she might wear, while the Mistress of the Bedchamber is the Queens Best friend, because she helps her dress, undress, bathe, and get ready for bed. Since the women who work at Waiting are considered friends and worthy of trust, they never retire.

How many of you would like to try this line of work?

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A CUP OF TEA WITH ME

 

Is it tea into the boiling water or the boiling water into the tea?