FEE FII FOE FUM - WHAT'S IT LIKE TODAY TO DATE A BRITISH MAN? MISSY SPEAKS ON WHAT SHE THINKS OF BRITISH DATING RULES

Maybe we'll have to rely on some stereotypes here, especially because both Great Britain and the United States are ethnically diverse. I think that means culturally diverse and then there are class issues to consider. However, after reading around the subject I think I can give you 21st Century Foxes a few clues!

British men will seem more reserved than American men, more mannered and formal in general. They are less likely to get too touchy feely when you dance slowly with them. You may need to tone down your exuberance though because all your enthusiasm can come off as trying too hard and even fake. (I'm a little suspicious of over exuberance myself.)

Which leads to that more alcohol is consumed. Expect you'll both have at least one drink on a date. It's used to bust through the formality and without it he may not warm up and tell you how he feels. (Careful though because alcoholism isn't easy to overcome.)

British men are more concerned with grooming and might more often fall into the MetroSexual category in your way of thinking, with men in Britain making more effort with their hair and nails and, reportedly, even plucking their brows. (Cool! if to get rid of the bushy haywire but not so if too pencil thin.) British men are more likely to be clean, neat, and smell good. (What's that aftershave you're wearing?)

He doesn't think he needs his parent's approval. (But if he's young, never married, and rich, he will want them to like you, believe me.)

If he asks you out, he doesn't want to be friends. You might want to meet him for coffee or lunch just to check him out but he wants to go out at night. If you want to check him out attempt to go out in groups or do group activities to check him out. (I'm all for the afternoon dates and slow to get to know you so this would be difficult for me.)

If it helps you any, if you go out with him twice he thinks you're his girlfriend. That can quickly get complicated because he may think you keeping your options open is actually "cheating!" (I don't like this at all!)

Dates can be No Big Deal activities. Don't expect the limo ride to an expensive restaurant any time soon. Unfortunately sex can also be No Big Deal.  (I'm good with the first and not at all good with the last.)

You need to be introduced (and on-line meeting can usually suffice) as they are not going to approach you, a stranger, in public, just because you happen to see each other out  somewhere. (Luckily, with such good manners, being out with your mutual friend, you will be.)

Don't go down a list of questions in order to quickly profile or "know" another person. It's rude.(I agree!)

A confusion of expectations since Old Fashioned gender roles are desirable yet British men want to "Go Dutch" and split the costs of the dates?! (This one is crazy making to me. I think whomever asks the other person on a date should plan it and pay for it. I would not recognize the plan as a date.  I pay for my self when out with friends.)

More forgiveness if your date doesn't go so well. Loose the car in the carpark? Drink a little too much and throw up? I have no idea just how far forgiveness can go. (If it's being kind hearted and less demanding because we're all human, Great. Unfortunately, I've ignored too many red flags in my life.)

Interesting conservationists and well read?!  Yes!

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ABOUT SIR JOHN BETJEMAN THE POET - WHAT DID SHE SEE IN HIM? AND WHAT DID HE HAVE IN HER?

While Lady Elizabeth Cavendish said nothing about her relationship with Sir John Betjeman, he was, before his recognition and as a poet laureate from 1972 until his death, a public figure. To clarify, a poet laureate is defined as a poet appointed for life as a member of the British royal household or one who honorarily represents a particular country. He was extremely popular. The honor came from Queen Elizabeth II. Born in 1906 he was not a young man when he was given this honor.

An only child who was a bit alone and didn't enjoy sports, he recognized poetry as his profession young and hated school as a boy. College at Oxford turned out to be much better as at least there were some literary people there he could relate to. He left there in 1928 without a degree but within a few years he published his first book of poetry.

POETRY FOUNDATION - John Betjeman

INTERESTING LITERATURE ; 10 GREAT BETJEMAN POEMS EVERYONE SHOULD READ

He was introduced on a country weekend to Penelope, his wife, who was from an upper class family that thought she could do better. He was considered to be a middle class man of Dutch heritage, not their kind.

World War II he, his wife, and his first child went to Ireland as an attaché to represent Britain. At one point the IRA wanted to assassinate him. It didn't help that being from a Dutch heritage he was at time taunted that he was the enemy - a German. He was suspected of being a spy.

He loved architecture, especially churches. He became known for architectural preservation of London churches. He was Knighted in 1969.

Betjemen had a sense of humor as well as the keen observer's view point. A number of thematic films for television were made that were popular among the British. These films were designed to showcase a series of poems. As someone who observed and commented on ordinary life, it's my idea that people from all walks of life could relate to his work.

In a YouTube video, called The Real John Betjeman, a documentary of 45 minutes or so, various people who knew the man give their opinions on what he was up to with a wife and mistress. I was glad to find this video which includes a bit about Lady Elizabeth Cavendish.

YOUTUBE VIDEO : THE REAL JOHN BETJEMEN Poster is Aaron Marchant - Poetry and Verse. Source is UK Channel 4 and it appeared in 2000. 

It's suggested that the big crisis in his marriage was when Penelope converted to Roman Catholicism while he remained Anglican. It's suggested that the couple loved each other but were incompatible. (It's not lost on me that Catholics were not to be divorced but Anglicans were able and that he wrote poetry about churches and was involved in preserving some. Am I the only one who sees her move as a Big Rebellion against her husband?)  At around 33 minutes into this documentary, an "expert" who is not identified says "What John needed was a sort of a Victorian wife who would minister to him - almost a nursemaid."  Another expert says he thinks it would have been impossible for him to go on if he had not met Lady Elizabeth!  He says John and Elizabeth always lived in separate houses and that was the arrangement. (Yes there are some photos of her and the two together.) So at least there was an acknowledgement of her, unlike many an obituary; even the New York Times focused on the poetry and avoided his personal life.

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SIR JOHN NOT QUITE A CHARACTER IN NETFLIX's THE CROWN

Just a note.  I was rewatching The Crown, which is an excellent series about the British Royal Family.  I know it cannot be "accurate" and must be considered fiction based on much of what is known about the Royal Family, but if you haven't seen it, well, try to. Excellent production values.  Historical content. Terrific acting. Truly an achievement for all involved.

In Season Two, Episode Four, which is about Princess Margaret's introduction to the photographer Antony Armstrong-Jones through a Lady In Waiting, she is invited to a dinner party attended by "unconventional" people.  Margaret has had a tough love life thus far, being unable to marry her first true love because he was a divorced man. She is starting to go nutty and so, to help her get out of the house (the castle) she attends this dinner party.

She notes that the poet John Betjeman is at the party.  She says, "Is it true he has two wives?"  and Armstrong-Jones says, "Better he has three."

Ever since I saw that, I've been wondering - WHO WAS THE POSSIBLE THIRD WIFE OF POET SIR JOHN BETJEMAN?  If you know, please leave a comment!

LADY ELIZABETH GEORGIANA ALICE CAVENDISH : NMNK MISTRESS OF POET LAUREATE JOHN BETJEMAN

 LADY ELIZABETH GEORGIANA ALICE CAVENDISH

1926-2018

One of the few public photos of Sir John Betjeman and his Mistress

Lady Elizabeth Cavendish

(pinterest)

I know how much my readers love to know about Modern Mistresses, especially more obscure women from the peerage in the British Isles. Perhaps if you're a member of this elite group you know all the inside information, but Lady Elizabeth Georgiana Alive Cavendish is not a famous woman (or an infamous one) and so I was surprised to know that her arrangement was remarked upon in multiple obituaries and being a Mistress didn't stop her from being acknowledged or rewarded for her accomplishments.

According to numerous accounts, Lady Elizabeth grew up as friends with both Princess Elizabeth (The Queen Elizabeth II) and the Queen's sister, Princess Margaret. She became one of Princess Margaret's Ladies In Waiting from the late 1940's until Margaret's death in 2002 - a long assignment. (As we may have been informed by the series The Crown, Margaret lived an unconventional life and so I can guess that Lady Elizabeth was in the know about Margaret's wild times.) Sometimes we are shocked by just how unconventional Royals and the Peerage can be, perhaps because we think they are prim and proper people being English and in such high standing but maybe they just do as they do knowing theirs is an insular world.

According to The Times - UK, obituary, Lady Elizabeth was already waiting on Margaret at the age of twenty-five when in 1951 she went to a dinner party in London hosted by Lady Pamela Berry and there met John Betjeman, who was not yet Poet Laureate. She was gawky tall and shy, perhaps uncomfortable, and didn't speak to him at all that night and yet some connection must have been made, because that was the start of something. 

Betjeman, born in 1906, twenty years older than she, and married since 1933 to the Honorable Penelope Chetwode, had attended Oxford College but did not graduate. He was involved in World War II but perhaps in intelligence. The couple had a son and a daughter together, in 1937, Paul, and in 1942, Candida.

As if to explain why there was never a divorce, a Wiki on Betjeman, which was highly referenced, especially in regards to his literary accomplishments, states that Penelope "became a Catholic in 1948" I note just a couple years before this meeting. No divorce for Catholics but was that it? There are also major mentions that he was bisexual, at least in his imagination. So Interestingly one wonders why then so many of Lady Elizabeth's obit's have the words "Lover, Companion, and Carer." Despite such rumors he was a High Anglican and even a Church Warden for a while.

Since John Betjeman died in 1984, and they met in 1951, my math tells me that Elizabeth and John were in each other's lives for thirty-three years! The obituary in The Telegraph calls her "The Other Wife" acknowledging that Betjeman had a legal wife and a Mistress and she reportedly was at his bedside when he died. She was a devoted to him. According to a YouTube video from poster Dead Obituary, Betjeman's daughter Candida Lycett Green called Lady Elizabeth her father's "beloved other wife." Apparently he himself referred to Lady Elizabeth as his "London Wife."

Do you know what NMNK stands for?  It means Never Married No Kids. Why does it seem so rare for a Mistress to have never had a child? Well, the description fits Lady Elizabeth. She was satisfied to have this relationship with this man and endured in it and was there at his death bed.

Perhaps Lady Elizabeth grew up knowing about Georgiana Spencer Cavendish, an ancestor who allowed her husband another woman in their home where they lived together sharing a man for many years. (I'll post about the film made about that love triangle latter this month.)

According to multiple sources, Lady Elizabeth achieved some recognition for her service to Princess Margaret. In 1976 she was made a Lieutenant of the Royal Victorian Order. My research reveals that this is an order of knighthood that Queen Victoria established in 1896 to recognize someone's personal service to the Queen or members of the Monarchy.  Twenty years later Lady Elizabeth became a Commander in the same Order. She was also a Justice of the Peace in the city of London and served in the juvenile and adult courts. It's my guess that the once shy young woman was not shy for long.

Just to further help you tie this noblewoman into other posts here at Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot, our Mistresses of the Month, Kathleen "Kick" Kennedy, an older sister of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who I covered in March 2017 married into her family.

Elizabeth's brother Andrew became the 11th Duke of Devonshire and her brother William, Marquess of Hartington is the one who married Kick after a very long wait due to their religious differences. He was killed during World War II making her a young widow. If interested in reading about Kick, who after the death of her husband went back to England and became a Mistress anticipating marriage, go into that month's archives or search for her within the blog!

While an unpaid Lady In Waiting and never married, the discreet Lady Elizabeth refused to talk about her relationship, which was an Open Secret.  According to a September 18, 2018 article by Sebastian Shakespeare in Daily Mail UK entitled "Betjemen's Mistress Leaves 10 Million (pounds) To Adopted Nieces After Dying Age 92," John's wife Penelope found out about his "London Wife" in 1973 when she moved a few blocks away.

And according to that writer, all Lady Elizabeth's correspondence is held by Chatsworth House Trust, as Chatsworth House is where she grew up, and it will be held there sealed for many years hence. 

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References for this months posts include the aforementioned as well as genealogy sites, wiki's, numerous articles in the British press - newspapers, YouTube videos, and some specifically mentioned references. One article that I had the damnest time trying to read because the teaser required a subscription was in the Telegraph.co.uk obituaries on September 18 2018. I can't link to it for you because you too will require a subscription to read it.  The Telegraph seemed to be quite interested in Lady Elizabeth.

 

Thanks for reading!