HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S JUST AN AFFAIR or IF YOU'RE A MISTRESS?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

How do you know if you're just having an affair or are a person's Mistress?

Shannon

Fort Lauderdale

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Some affairs do become "more."

Most don't.

It might be easier to say what's not. A hook up. Friends With Benefits. A one nighter. These experiences are not worthy of being called affairs. 

An affair can be sexual or seem to be all about sex, for a while, but it needs more involvement to stay interesting and evolve into a relationship. More romance certainly. It should be a love affair. A connection of intellect, or hearts, or something such as a strong interest in a mutual endeavor in addition to attraction. Generally this means at least a couple months of consistently seeing each other and having a variety of experiences together in which to get to know each other. A year would be better. This is true of any budding relationship.

My advice to women is to try to get to know a person better before having an affair, to not get into a pattern of always meeting up for sex and not going out. 

But that becomes more complicated if one or both people are living with someone else already. Being a Mistress does not require adultery or sneaking, and the supposed thrill of sneaking is overrated. Anxiety or fear of embarrassment is more like it. However, if someone has a commitment and they can't keep it, they need to figure out what's next for them.

Being a Mistress doesn't always require that the richer person totally support the poorer one, sometimes it does. Rather the endurance of a relationship because first of all it has become a relationship, is key.

Wishing for the relationship to endure, the couple must come to an understanding and agreement on how they intend to stay in each other's lives.

Such agreements or arrangements are sometimes evidence based rather than spoken or negotiated. If one or both has previously partnered and has a commitment, which they can no longer honor, they need to renegotiate that. (It's only fair that the partner gets to decide if they want to stay or go. The indecision can be troubling and might require therapy.)

Some Mistresses are like second wives. Some hope to be and get to be only wives. However, it is my suspicion that some wives want their husbands to have a Mistress, rather than he sleep around. Some wives accept, are knowledgeable, or even become somewhat friendly with her husband's Mistress. There's a lot of man sharing happening. Know why? Because men who are shared have something to offer more than one woman.

It could be said in some cases the Mistress preserves the man's marriage to his wife. So much depends on the expectations and how someone sees life. Temperaments and personalities. Also the time of life one is in.

A person might not want a full time relationship any more.

So, a woman cannot be shy about stating what it is she wants and needs with a man. This means taking a risk. It doesn't mean demanding. 

Missy