Here's the link! PROJECT GUTENBERG : POETRY OF NORA MAY FRENCH
Sunday, October 12, 2025
READING THE POETRY OF NORA MAY FRENCH on PROJECT GUTENBERG
Friday, October 10, 2025
Monday, October 6, 2025
NORA MAY FRENCH : THE SPINSTER POET IN CALIFORNIA : RETIRED BRITISH ARMY CAPTAIN HILEY AND NORA HAVE AN AFFAIR AND SHE BECOMES PREGNANT
Excerpt page 57: (After Nora called off her engagement in 1904)
At the age of twenty-three, Nora embraced spinsterhood with enthusiasm. Freedom from marriage was freedom to live one's own life. She would devote herself to her writing. No more light ditties like the "Ode on Aunt E.'s Bloomer Bathing Costume," which had made Helen (her sister) laugh for hours. No more stories to distract the readers of the Sunday Los Angeles Times. She would focus only on poetry and set goals to challenge herself. That year she published four poems in Lummis's journal but decided to shoot for journals with more national reach. In March, her poem "In Empty Courts" appeared in The Smart Set: A Magazine of Cleverness. A new publication out of New York, The Smart Set's circulation had shot up to well over one hundred thousand in four short years buy printing national names like Jack London.
About a man's inconsistent attention, in "Empty Courts" has been inspired buy a muse of sorts who had recently entered her life. Captain Alan Hiley had two main qualities that recommended him. He was already married, and he lived far away, in Santa Cruz. A tall, handsome timber magnate and retired British Army captain, Hiley considered himself an established author who had published his memoir of distinguished service in the War. They had met at a poetry ready (Hileys wife was also a poet( and started an on-and-off affair.
On the weekends, Hiley sailed down the coast on a yacht to take Nora to dinner in fine restaurants. He asked her about poetry though she noticed he rarely listened to her answers....
Nora decided that she could not give in to Hiley's charms and fought her attraction to him.
Excerpt page 59: (As Nora became pregnant)
They debated too long what to do. He would leave his wife. Of course he would. Then, no, a divorce would take too long and be too public. In her distress, she made the dreadful mistake of telling Helen everything. Helen, scandalized, was even more distraught than Nora. She must get Hiley to marry her, Helen counseled, or the whole family would be ruined.
But marriage was not in the cards. Instead, the eminently respectable Captain Alan Richard Hiley secured a doctor and money enough to pay him. What at first had seemed to Nora like a vexing process - coming to the decision, finding the willing physician - turned out to be the easy part compared to what came next. She experienced the procedure itself as a surreal horror, the doctor's cold, pointed, metal tolls contrasting with the soft warm of her flesh mingled with that of the fetus. Only partially sedated during it all, she glanced down and saw the aftermath.
This was Nora's first known abortion and, because she did not take the pills or potions advertised, I have this feeling she might have been further along in the pregnancy than a woman could consider to be "delayed menses." Additionally, it seems to me that, after such a horror, a woman would seek to use contraception. Maybe she did. And it failed.
Excerpt page 80 : (The aftermath of the abortion)
She couldn't exactly say when Harry Lafler became so much a part of her emotional life. Right after her mother died in July, she had sent a poem to The Argonaut, where Harry was serving as editor. He accepted her poem, and their correspondence quickly became romantic. They fell in love through words.
How perfect, she thought, that the body was not there to intervene. Since the abortion she had a nickname for herself : the "Hands Off" girl. Except for a date here and there, she kept men at arm's length - especially Alan Hiley, who in an irritating reversal now wanted to marry her...
C 2025 Mistress ManifestoAll Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights
Saturday, October 4, 2025
Thursday, October 2, 2025
BOHEMIAN POET NORA MAY FRENCH : AN EARLY 20th CENTURY LOVE GONE WRONG STORY OF MONTEREY CALIFORNIA : THE CYANIDE LOVE TRIANGLE
These three people were not in a triad and they did not commit suicide together, but I bet because of the title of the book you thought so. Although it's complicated, I wasn't convinced that the suicide of Nora or that of George's wife, Carrie, or the eventual suicide of George was entirely motivated by relationship frustration or loss of love. Rather it was also about money - the natural need for it in this material world - and especially so for women at a time when few could support themselves; imagine any poet at any time thinking their poetry would bring in money enough. George Sterling was a founder of the Bohemian Club which endures to this day as the Bohemian Grove, but he eventually went broke.
As I read this book from cover to cover, I couldn't help but think about the way marriage was about the only way a woman could survive back in the day. Nora May French was not the first or last woman to ever have sex before marriage or an affair with a married man/men, but she needed marriage. Society was not set up for most women to be independent of men or to earn their own money and support themselves and Nora's experience with paid employment was unfulfilling and exhausting. What any woman with creative talent, such as a writer who needed to write, was a patron or a husband rich enough to support her so she would not have to work for income herself and could keep writing. He had to be the type who didn't want a conventional wife and be someone who loved the arts and might find some prestige in having a poet as a wife..
Then Lee proposed. At first, she hesitated She told him everything about herself, how she was happiest wandering in the woods, how she lived to write poems, and how she would never be just an ordinary girl, if that was what he wanted..."
C 2025 Mistress Manifesto
Wednesday, October 1, 2025
Monday, September 29, 2025
MARIE DUPLESSIS : COMPOSER FRANZ LISZT A FRIEND : MARRIAGE TO AN OLD BEAU: HER INESCAPABLE DEATH
Excerpt page 49 : (From Liszts own reportage)
... she told me ... fifteen months ago: I shall not live; I am an odd gierl and I shan't be able to hold on to this life which I don't know how to lead and that I can equally no longer endure. Take me, take me anywhere you life; I shan't bother you. I sleep all day; in the evening you can let me go to the theatre; and at night you can do with me what you will!'
Excerpt page 50 : With the help of a specialist she designed her own coat of arms, using part of the arms of her husband, and had them emblazoned on her carriage, her linen, and her silverware.
By this time, Marie was desperately ill. You could say she tried everything. She traveled to spas in Germany hoping have a cure. Her gambling was out of control, her visits to pawn shops numerous, both Count Gustav Von Sackelberg abandoned her as had the seven men who had shared her. Yet, she had possessions removed from her lavish apartment, renting other apartments to store furniture and valuables to prevent creditors from seizing them.*** She saw various doctors and ran up debt. Some of these doctors gave her advice that was useless really, recommending walks in nature and good food. We would say some of them were quacks but the fact is there was no cure for tuberculosis.
Most of her friends left Marie to die alone. But three of her patrons did remain in her life to the end - men less significant in her life whose names do not appear here in this reportage. At only twenty three years old, the woman who had inspired artists and writers, died on February 3, 1847, having been last seen in public weeks earlier. Among the few mourners were some prostitutes who she had helped financially. Count Edouard de Perregaux, her husband who had made a Countess out of Marie, appeared overcome with grief as the small funeral processions of those who had not abandoned her completely went to the cemetery of Montemarte where her grave remained unmarked for years.
FIND A GRAVE : MARIE DUPLESSIS
Missy here! Thank you for sticking with me as we explored the life of Parisian Courtesan Marie Duplessis. You can bring up archived posts by searching for the word Courtesan or Paris ...
C 2025 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot
All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights
Friday, September 26, 2025
Wednesday, September 24, 2025
ELDERLY COUNT GUSTAV VON SACKELBERG SET MARIE DUPLESSIS UP IN LUXURY BUT OUTDID HER AS A LIAR
Marie Duplessis was an acknowledged liar. She was said to explain her lying by saying that the habit whitened one's teeth; her teeth were beautiful. What all did she lie about? I don't know. That blog post title is my opinion and here I speculate.
The octogenarian Count Gustav Von Sackelberg met the 21ish year old Maria in the late fall of 1844 or early 1845. He said he wanted to "rescue" her from the life she lead and that she reminded him of his daughter... He claimed to be a widower, but the truth was he was married to a woman who had given birth to eleven children and would outlive him by eighteen years. He hid his wife by setting up Maria in an apartment across the street from where he lived with his wife... My guess is his wife knew all about him.
He was said to keep a list of all the virgins he had deflowered, a hobby of his. While Maria was no virgin, perhaps her delicate femininity and youth appealed to a fantasy he had. He wanted her for himself and was willing to spend to have her. Of all the men who provided for Maria, perhaps this man spent the most to keep her. And perhaps despite his sexuality, he was also influenced by pending death.
Besides the substantial apartment, Von Sackelberg bought Maria furs and jewels, horses, carriages and drivers, maid, cook, chambermaid, the services of hairdressers and other craftsmen who created and repaired and kept up, and allowed her to spend, spend spend. Gourmet meals and baked goods were ordered in. She was now eating sweets and drinking wine - Maria bought herself an expansive wardrobe - dresses, hats, and boots by the dozens, fine furniture, and much else. She claimed to spend about five hundred francs a day. Author Virginia Rounding mentions school teachers were paid about three hundred francs a year.
While he thought of keeping her to himself, Maria was pragmatic. What came first? Her acceptance of other men or his waning interest? She went out on the town and was seen at the theatre and concerts, still advertising herself as courtesans did. In the spring of 1845 Maria met the Hungarian composer Franz Liszt, who seems to have been taken enough by the young woman to care about her health.
I wonder if knowing she had not long fueled Maria's desire to have as much as possible and to live life to the fullest. When she met the composer she had about two years to live.
All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights
Monday, September 22, 2025
Saturday, September 20, 2025
DESPITE TUBERCULOSIS TWENTY YEAR OLD MARIE DUPLESSIS HAS ILLUSTRIOUS AND RICH LOVERS INCLUDING ALEXANDRE DUMAS THE YOUNGER
Friday, September 19, 2025
MARIE DUPLESSIS
Wednesday, September 17, 2025
MARIE DUPLESSIS MOVES INTO A BETTER APARTMENT : COUNT EDOUARD DE PERREGAUX

Excerpts pages 41 - 42 : He first encountered Marie at a masked ball at the Opera House in the rue Le Peletier, the tradition of masked balls having been revived there in 1839, such events being held every Saturday evening during the carnival time before Lent. Edouard and Marie were intregued by one another, and Edouard rapidly dropped another courtesan, Alice Ozy, in order to take up with her.
The apartment in which he installed her at 22 rue d'Antin comprised a drawing room, a boudoir, dining room and two bedrooms. The widows, and Marie's bed, were curtained with muslin and silk. Marie ordered her goods and services from a wide range of providers" wines from Madame Tisserant, just opposite in the rue d'Anton; cakes delivered by Rollet from the passage de l'Opera, glace fruits from Broissier, mint pastilles from Gouache in the boulevard de la Madeleine. Edouard would join in the consumption of all these luxuries, not stopping to make the calculation that by spending at the rate of three thousand francs a month, which was the absolute minimum Marie required to live on, he would rapidly use up his already depleted fortune.
Sunday, September 14, 2025
Saturday, September 13, 2025
MEN "CLUB" TOGETHER TO SHARE THE BOUNTY OF THEIR FAVORITE COURTESAN MARIE DUPLESSIS
In 1842 Marie Duplessis might have been at the height of her earning power, if you choose to look at it that way. She had many lovers and huge expenditures.
Excerpt pages 39-40 : ... Hippolyte de Villemessant tells how seven members of fashionable Paris decided to club together to purchase her favors, since she was so expensive to maintain. To inaugurate this arrangement they bought Marie a present: a dressing table with seven drawers so they could each have one to keep their things. In the early days Marie's management of her multiple lovers sometimes went adrift. Shortly after Agenor de Guiche's return from England she made the mistake of taking him for a drive in the blue carriage which had been given to her by another lover, Fernand de Montguyon.... Subsequently she managed her affairs better and took care not to offend those who were paying the bills. Agenor was a t this stage what was known as an amant de coeur - that is, his and Marie's relationship was not a monetary transaction but a matter of genuine affections and mutual enjoyment...
Friday, September 12, 2025
Thursday, September 11, 2025
VICOUNT DE MERIL BECOMES THE FATHER OF MARIE DUPLESSIS SON
In 1840, she had what is called "an affair" with this man, who introduced her to Spa, a resort in Belgium. As a result of their relationship, the young mother of a son she gave birth to in 1841 had to send the baby away to be raised by a nurse. A version of the story is that the baby died - not at all uncommon in those days before modern medical treatments - but perhaps not.
It is said that she was given to lying, which she claimed was good for whitening the teeth. (Perhaps she thought her lies were "white lies?") It's also said, from descriptions of her beauty and comportment, that her moods shifted from serenity to jubilance. My words; I do wonder if Marie Duplessis was bipolar. Her behavior is often considered a consequence to having a horrible childhood.
Tuesday, September 9, 2025
VERDI'S OPERA LA TRAVIATA (THE FALLEN WOMAN) IS A TRAGEDY AND THE MOST PERFORMED OPERA IN THE WORLD
Monday, September 8, 2025
MARIE DUPLESSIS : AGENOR DE GUICHE MAKES AN APPEARANCE IN THE TEENAGER'S LIFE AND SHE CHANGES HER NAME FROM ALPHONSINE PLESSIS
Grand Horizontals by Virginia Rounding is a primary reference for this month's post.
Saturday, September 6, 2025
Thursday, September 4, 2025
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I AM SO PROUD OF OTHER WOMEN AND TODAY IS ONE OF THEM : CONTACT YOUR POLITICIANS : EPSTEIN FILES TRANSPARENCY ACT
This bill was introduced by
Representative Ro Khanna, California, District 17 115th-119th
Tuesday, September 2, 2025
MARIE DUPLESSIS : GRAND HORIZONTALES : PARISIAN COURTESANS OF THE NAPOLEAN III ERA
Grande Horizontales focuses on four Courtesans, and this month I will focus on Marie Duplessis who died at the young age of twenty-three of tuberculosis. One of her lovers, Alexandre Dumas, based his main character in the novel La Dame Aux Camelias, which was published in 1848. Camelias were Marie's favorite flowers. She was married in 1846 to Count Edouard de Perregauz, until her death.
MARIE DUPLESSIS
"The Virtuous Courtesan"
"La Dame aux Camélias"
Alphonsine Plessis
Countess Edouard de Perregaux (She kept her name Marie Duplessis though.)
1824 - 1847
Her father was the illegitimate son of a priest and a prostitute who was abusive to his wife, Alphonsine's mother. The poor woman took off to Paris hoping to support herself and, eventually, her daughters but she died when Alphonsine was only six. Abandoned into the care of relatives, rumor was that the girl was sexually abused from the age of eleven and a half. Accused of being a seductress, she was sent back to the father who didn't want her. He left her and her sister to become apprentice laundresses. At thirteen and fourteen years old she was a blanchisseuse. This was the fate of many girls in those days.
Excerpt Page 32 : "Such an apprenticeship involved long hours of hard and repetitive physical labour... First piles of dirty linen would be sorted and washed, the actual washing sometimes done in a communal washroom by a washerwoman, a lower level of work than the blanchisseuse. Much of the work of the blanchisseuse consisted of ironing, which would be done at a large table covered with a heavy blanket, itself covered with calico. Several irons were heated on the large cast-iron stove, and it would be the job of the apprentice to keep this stove filled - always being careful not to overfill it - with coke... The blanchissuese herself and her older employees would be busy ironing intricate objects such as caps, shirt-fronts, petticoats, and embroidered drawers, while the apprentice would be put to work on the plain items, the stockings and the handkerchiefs..."
What happened next would shock today. Her father then gave her over to a man who was sixty to seventy years old and might have actually sold her to him. When her employer realized the situation, she was fired. To escape this man Alphonsine took a job as a hotel maid. Her father than gave her over to another man. Marie would not talk about it, but there is a strong possibility that her father than took her for himself, committing rape and incest on his own daughter. In 1839 The father and daughter suddenly upped and went to Paris.
As I read these passages I do wonder if Alphonsine's father intended for her to become a prostitute as his mother had been. As author Rounding describes it, French Parisian culture had an understanding of prostitution, and many prostitutes' were legally registered. In Paris the father again left her with relatives and, now only fifteen, she was placed as an apprentice with a dressmaker. She worked long hours - 7 am to 8 pm six days a week. She attached lace and embroidery to decorate dresses there. A dressmaker did not want apprentices who became prostitutes but it was not unusual for them, due to the low, unlivable pay to become grisettes - a woman who took on a paying lover.
Alphonsine, despite her hard work, may have been going hungry.
Then one day she and two friends accepted the offer of a day away by the owner of a restaurant who probably knew they were hungry.
Excerpt Page 35: "Quite who seduced whom, who exploited whom, is debatable: Alphonsine, with her precocious sexual experience, was an easy prey for a man with a certain amount of sophistication on the look-out for a young and pretty mistress, while she was quick to realize that, if she played her cards right, Nollet was in a position to offer her a way out of a life of drudgery and relative poverty. Events progressed rapidly. Within a month Monsieur Nollet had installed Alphonsine in a small apartment in the rue de l'Arcade and given her three thousand francs for her initial needs."
Poverty, hard physical labor, and sexual abuse would give Alphonsine motivation to improve her life, quite obviously. Her relatives in Paris, realizing also what she had done, outcasted her. She was alone in the world. Nollet was her first known patron and she soon overspent for his means and took other lovers as well. It was as if she gave in to her fate, or realized there was only one way to survive.
Alphonsine Plessis would fashion herself Marie Duplessis and rise out of poverty and obscurity by becoming an honored Courtesan. To do that she needed the patronage of a man and one known to other Courtesans came into her life. The next seven years or so of her short life would be dramatic and, perhaps because she had to know she was dying, gravely ill, she earnestly sought entertainments.
Notes: The image on the book is not that of Maria Duplessis.
Here at Mistress Manifesto I've featured a great many Courtesans and Paris seems to have been the epicenter of Courtesan culture. You can click on the tag below to bring up posts such as Paris, or Courtesan.
Monday, September 1, 2025
Thursday, August 28, 2025
Monday, August 25, 2025
SHOULD SHE TELL THE NEW WOMAN IN THIS NO-GOOD MAN'S LIFE THAT HE'S DISHONEST?
Question For Missy
Hi Missy,
A couple years ago a man who I considered to be a friend in a social group I'm still associated with, invited me to move in with him. We had some good times together. I never dated this man but I did have coffee with just him alone a few times. We talked and joked. I thought I made it clear, in a nice way, that I was not interested in anything more than friendship.
From the start, when I met him, he talked about living in a large condo worth a half a million. As it goes most of the men in the social group own property and most of the women rent. I needed to move out of the place I'd been living in for several years and fast. Over many hours of phone conversations we talked about what it would be to live together as house-mates in the condo since we seemed to get along so well as friends. I was willing to rent (pay cash) for a bedroom and an office space as a short term agreement and it seemed ideal because it's located close to work.
I was supposed to go over and see the space and he kept delaying, saying he was moving things around, clearing the closet to get ready for my move in. Well, finally, we met up for lunch with the agreement that I would go over to see the place that day and I had only three weeks left to find a place. That was when he admitted he wanted a girlfriend out of the deal, wanted me to sleep in bed with him as a "practical" solution because there's only one bedroom in the place, not two after all. I could go on, but knowing him for a year, finally he was admitting the truth: the place was a wreck. He needed income to repair it and keep up with his monthly fees and even. He ran the clock out on me figuring I would have sex with him out of desperation to have a roof over my head.
I was shocked, depressed and ended up in a motel.
I decided that I no longer wanted his friendship and told him so. When he heard I was in a motel he renewed his offer that we "try" a relationship.
By the way a mutual friend in the group who had known him for years gave him an excellent reference and part of his deception was to tell me I could speak to an ex of his who he was still friends with and she would vouch for him as a "gentleman."
Despite this betrayal and how it badly effected me, the others all stayed friends with him.
He has shown up with a new woman, a widow who really seems to be into him. Every time I see them together I keep thinking that he has to be deceiving her. I hear he asked her to marry him almost immediately and also claimed he would be able to support her. He then borrowed a few thousand from a friend to wine and dine her. Some mutual friends say "She's an adult" and to not tell her the truth about him. They say he's alone and needs someone. I keep wondering how many of these people in our social group knew the truth about him and didn't tell me.
Should I tell her?
Veronica
San Jose, California
Answer From Missy
Hi Veronica,
Choice rests on knowing the truth and this no-good man was dishonest.
The question of whether or not to tell someone else the truth of your experience with a man - or any other person - is a difficult one. (Should you tell a woman her husband has a mistress?) I tend to side with those who say "She's an adult" because you never know. Maybe he sees how he lost your friendship and will not repeat the same mistake with her. Maybe she sees him more clearly than you know or you did.
Your social group may be a lot of people who are superficial, only into it for the good times, or who do not have your values, and so you might want to move on from the entire group. This is not just about him betraying you but all of them betraying you.
I also tend to think that telling someone a difficult truth has to do with how close you are with a friend and this new woman is not in a friendship with you. That said, in my life when I told someone I thought of as close enough to confide in a difficult truth, for instance that their "hetero" husband was gay and cheating on them with men, or, for instance, that maybe it was best if they give up trying to adopt - the friendship ended. I spoke out of friendship, because I knew how these women were suffering. But some people do shoot the messenger. In a healthy friendship, both persons should be able to he heard.
Let's put this one out there. Are any of my dear readers opinionated?
Missy
Friday, August 22, 2025
Wednesday, August 20, 2025
RECLAIMING WITH MONICA LEWINSKY PODCAST - THE ACTIVIST INTERVIEWS
APPLE PODCASTS MONICA LEWINSKY (Also available on YouTube...)
RECLAIMING with MONICA LEWINSKY PODCAST
Excerpt: If you're interested in unexpected conversations that go uncharted places, are remotely self-aware and like to laugh, then please join me as I continue to find my public voice on Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky. (That's me.) I will have honest, wide-ranging interviews with all kinds of people - recognizable names, regular folks, experts and friends - about what it means to reclaim what's been lost or taken in the broadest sense. Every week, I'll draw from my own unique experiences (like say, surviving a global scandal at 24 years old), and delve into the personal and often messy ways people find their way back to themselves. And because I love a good tangent, we'll probably also touch on other stuff, too.
Sunday, August 17, 2025
HOW TO TELL IF HE'S PARTNERED VERY EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP
HOW TO TELL IF HE'S PARTNERED VERY EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP
As we all know, Monica Lewinsky knew President William Jefferson Clinton was married. His wife has been the very high profile Hillary Clinton, a lawyer, and a First Lady who would also run for President of the United States some years later. Of course, so did the President know he was married. And Monica was not married, and much younger, and crazy for Bill. He was in position of power. She was not.
But ah, what about those of you who just met someone, have been dating a little while, maybe have already started having sex, and have feelings for that someone, but their personal life is a mystery? They are not wearing a wedding band so you may think they are free to be with you.
I'm convinced that the way into being a Mistress for most Western 21st century women is just that; first you fall, then you find out. After all, there's a better chance than ever that you're going to earn money of your own and have independence unthinkable in previous generations. Unlike many of the women profiled here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, who had little choice in life, you probably don't need to survive by being a Courtesan. What happens if you're already involved when he tells you or you find out he's partnered? Maybe you've fallen for him. Well, you don't want to let go. Some men do know that your attachment to them will make it difficult for you to break off with them and that's how they seduce. Let's not blame the men totally though. Some women who are married find themselves attracted to and involved with a man and don't tell the whole truth right away either. (And yes, I'm aware I'm writing this in hetero context but it happens in homosexual relationships too.) Also, you may be innocent, inexperienced, or naive. You want to start out trusting people and being open to love. (Me too!)
It can be confusing also because many 21st century women know that there is no commitment until the two of you agree which means someone has to suggest it and you have to talk about it. Until that agreement, made of Choice, you know that this other person may very well be "dating around" or "sleeping around." So when he doesn't call for a few days, or seems to want to see you last minute rather than make a plan, you may not automatically think that it's because he's partnered.
By the way, I can't easily define promiscuity. Let's talk basics. Do you know his real name, or where he lives? Where he works? You should know some basic information like that and, if you don't, you may be having sex with a stranger. All of this means that it's best to get to know someone better before you get involved. Don't get picked up. Even if you meet someone at a party and feel wildly attracted to them, don't leave the party with them. I have come to understand that use of drugs or alcohol can blur your ability to make Choices in the moment, which can lead to devastating consequences. Moderation is advised. It also helps to have a best friend along so you can be supportive to each other in any situation that might come up.
Here's my list :
Missy
Married, Living Together, Domestic Partnership - same difference. Or in a steady, committed relationship but not living together.
If he is ...
He may call you or text you last minute to ask you to meet with him. (How many women is he juggling?)
He may suggest you provide your own transportation to the meet up. (Providing your own transportation can be a positive though, especially in early stages of getting to know someone.) Maybe he doesn't want to be seen in your area?
He may call or text you for a hook up or want a friends with benefits arrangement. (If you read this blog, you know I oppose these arrangements. You only have so much libidinal energy.)
He may have local sex with you in places other than his place or yours, such as in the office or a motel, or out in nature, as if he is seizing the moment and thinks this is exciting.
He may have you waiting for his call or for him to make time or show up. (Mistresses often do a lot of waiting for visits and such and if you decide to be a Mistress, consider that you should continue having a separate life.)
He may cancel, show up late, or leave early. (He's got other responsibilities.)
He may give you his business card and suggest you call him at work, avoiding giving a personal phone number.
He may suggest it's best if he calls you or demand you not call him.
He may excuse himself to make a quick call often enough for you to be suspicious. Can they really not do without him being on-call for business?
He may want to come over to your place and hang out there rather than take you out in public.
He may see you but only have time for sex, even though you had more of a plan.
He may want to go places where you will not meet up with his friends or family or partner - nor yours!
He may avoid Friday or Saturday "date nights" routinely. (Meeting up with a new person for coffee or lunch during the day can be a good way to get to know them.)
He may ask you to meet him out of town or for a vacation.
He may avoid seeing you on holidays. (He's gone for that three day weekend...)
He may gift you or celebrate your birthday or Valentine's day early but not be available on those days.
He may say he is going out of town on business or traveling but will be back in touch.
He may use his work as a reason or excuse for why he's busy or been out of touch.
He may introduce you as his coworker or secretary or assistant when you are not.
He may not talk about his partner at all, as if he or she doesn't exist.
He may say that he and his partner are friends or together to raise their children. (If they are legally divorced, this is ideal for the children, so -)
He may say, "You didn't ask" when you say he did not tell you he had a partner. (Not telling is also a way of being dishonest.)
These behaviors are ones in which the person is avoiding tell you that they have a partner or someone else in their life. Deception and evasiveness is lying. However, you can't expect anyone to tell you everything there is to know about them quickly, so - All of these behaviors can be about dating more than one person when no promises of faithfulness or loyalty or commitment has been made rather than being married too.
More tricky:
He may take off his wedding band and not be wearing it when he goes out seeking another lover.
He may use his children as an excuse for where he is. (Of course you want him to have a relationship with them!)
He throws any receipts - such as for restaurant meals - gifts for you - or the hotel room away rather than risk taking them home.
You do get to meet some of his friends or business partners or others "in the know" about his personal life, basically people who will not out him or will accept you. Who are the women they are with?
***
I have tremendous concern about the spreading of venereal diseases including HIV/AIDS because these impact your health and all relationships you have now and in the future. If you're not using protection to avoid STD's you may also be risking pregnancy you have not planned on. Wanting to remain healthy is a best reason for being cautious.
Missy