HOW TO TELL IF HE'S PARTNERED VERY EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP
As we all know, Monica Lewinsky knew President William Jefferson Clinton was married. His wife has been the very high profile Hillary Clinton, a lawyer, and a First Lady who would also run for President of the United States some years later. Of course, so did the President know he was married. And Monica was not married, and much younger, and crazy for Bill. He was in position of power. She was not.
But ah, what about those of you who just met someone, have been dating a little while, maybe have already started having sex, and have feelings for that someone, but their personal life is a mystery? They are not wearing a wedding band so you may think they are free to be with you.
I'm convinced that the way into being a Mistress for most Western 21st century women is just that; first you fall, then you find out. After all, there's a better chance than ever that you're going to earn money of your own and have independence unthinkable in previous generations. Unlike many of the women profiled here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, who had little choice in life, you probably don't need to survive by being a Courtesan. What happens if you're already involved when he tells you or you find out he's partnered? Maybe you've fallen for him. Well, you don't want to let go. Some men do know that your attachment to them will make it difficult for you to break off with them and that's how they seduce. Let's not blame the men totally though. Some women who are married find themselves attracted to and involved with a man and don't tell the whole truth right away either. (And yes, I'm aware I'm writing this in hetero context but it happens in homosexual relationships too.) Also, you may be innocent, inexperienced, or naive. You want to start out trusting people and being open to love. (Me too!)
It can be confusing also because many 21st century women know that there is no commitment until the two of you agree which means someone has to suggest it and you have to talk about it. Until that agreement, made of Choice, you know that this other person may very well be "dating around" or "sleeping around." So when he doesn't call for a few days, or seems to want to see you last minute rather than make a plan, you may not automatically think that it's because he's partnered.
By the way, I can't easily define promiscuity. Let's talk basics. Do you know his real name, or where he lives? Where he works? You should know some basic information like that and, if you don't, you may be having sex with a stranger. All of this means that it's best to get to know someone better before you get involved. Don't get picked up. Even if you meet someone at a party and feel wildly attracted to them, don't leave the party with them. I have come to understand that use of drugs or alcohol can blur your ability to make Choices in the moment, which can lead to devastating consequences. Moderation is advised. It also helps to have a best friend along so you can be supportive to each other in any situation that might come up.
Here's my list :
Missy
Married, Living Together, Domestic Partnership - same difference. Or in a steady, committed relationship but not living together.
If he is ...
He may call you or text you last minute to ask you to meet with him. (How many women is he juggling?)
He may suggest you provide your own transportation to the meet up. (Providing your own transportation can be a positive though, especially in early stages of getting to know someone.) Maybe he doesn't want to be seen in your area?
He may call or text you for a hook up or want a friends with benefits arrangement. (If you read this blog, you know I oppose these arrangements. You only have so much libidinal energy.)
He may have local sex with you in places other than his place or yours, such as in the office or a motel, or out in nature, as if he is seizing the moment and thinks this is exciting.
He may have you waiting for his call or for him to make time or show up. (Mistresses often do a lot of waiting for visits and such and if you decide to be a Mistress, consider that you should continue having a separate life.)
He may cancel, show up late, or leave early. (He's got other responsibilities.)
He may give you his business card and suggest you call him at work, avoiding giving a personal phone number.
He may suggest it's best if he calls you or demand you not call him.
He may excuse himself to make a quick call often enough for you to be suspicious. Can they really not do without him being on-call for business?
He may want to come over to your place and hang out there rather than take you out in public.
He may see you but only have time for sex, even though you had more of a plan.
He may want to go places where you will not meet up with his friends or family or partner - nor yours!
He may avoid Friday or Saturday "date nights" routinely. (Meeting up with a new person for coffee or lunch during the day can be a good way to get to know them.)
He may ask you to meet him out of town or for a vacation.
He may avoid seeing you on holidays. (He's gone for that three day weekend...)
He may gift you or celebrate your birthday or Valentine's day early but not be available on those days.
He may say he is going out of town on business or traveling but will be back in touch.
He may use his work as a reason or excuse for why he's busy or been out of touch.
He may introduce you as his coworker or secretary or assistant when you are not.
He may not talk about his partner at all, as if he or she doesn't exist.
He may say that he and his partner are friends or together to raise their children. (If they are legally divorced, this is ideal for the children, so -)
He may say, "You didn't ask" when you say he did not tell you he had a partner. (Not telling is also a way of being dishonest.)
These behaviors are ones in which the person is avoiding tell you that they have a partner or someone else in their life. Deception and evasiveness is lying. However, you can't expect anyone to tell you everything there is to know about them quickly, so - All of these behaviors can be about dating more than one person when no promises of faithfulness or loyalty or commitment has been made rather than being married too.
More tricky:
He may take off his wedding band and not be wearing it when he goes out seeking another lover.
He may use his children as an excuse for where he is. (Of course you want him to have a relationship with them!)
He throws any receipts - such as for restaurant meals - gifts for you - or the hotel room away rather than risk taking them home.
You do get to meet some of his friends or business partners or others "in the know" about his personal life, basically people who will not out him or will accept you. Who are the women they are with?
***
I have tremendous concern about the spreading of venereal diseases including HIV/AIDS because these impact your health and all relationships you have now and in the future. If you're not using protection to avoid STD's you may also be risking pregnancy you have not planned on. Wanting to remain healthy is a best reason for being cautious.
Missy
