Question For Missy
Hi Missy,
A couple years ago a man who I considered to be a friend in a social group I'm still associated with, invited me to move in with him. We had some good times together. I never dated this man but I did have coffee with just him alone a few times. We talked and joked. I thought I made it clear, in a nice way, that I was not interested in anything more than friendship.
From the start, when I met him, he talked about living in a large condo worth a half a million. As it goes most of the men in the social group own property and most of the women rent. I needed to move out of the place I'd been living in for several years and fast. Over many hours of phone conversations we talked about what it would be to live together as house-mates in the condo since we seemed to get along so well as friends. I was willing to rent (pay cash) for a bedroom and an office space as a short term agreement and it seemed ideal because it's located close to work.
I was supposed to go over and see the space and he kept delaying, saying he was moving things around, clearing the closet to get ready for my move in. Well, finally, we met up for lunch with the agreement that I would go over to see the place that day and I had only three weeks left to find a place. That was when he admitted he wanted a girlfriend out of the deal, wanted me to sleep in bed with him as a "practical" solution because there's only one bedroom in the place, not two after all. I could go on, but knowing him for a year, finally he was admitting the truth: the place was a wreck. He needed income to repair it and keep up with his monthly fees and even. He ran the clock out on me figuring I would have sex with him out of desperation to have a roof over my head.
I was shocked, depressed and ended up in a motel.
I decided that I no longer wanted his friendship and told him so. When he heard I was in a motel he renewed his offer that we "try" a relationship.
By the way a mutual friend in the group who had known him for years gave him an excellent reference and part of his deception was to tell me I could speak to an ex of his who he was still friends with and she would vouch for him as a "gentleman."
Despite this betrayal and how it badly effected me, the others all stayed friends with him.
He has shown up with a new woman, a widow who really seems to be into him. Every time I see them together I keep thinking that he has to be deceiving her. I hear he asked her to marry him almost immediately and also claimed he would be able to support her. He then borrowed a few thousand from a friend to wine and dine her. Some mutual friends say "She's an adult" and to not tell her the truth about him. They say he's alone and needs someone. I keep wondering how many of these people in our social group knew the truth about him and didn't tell me.
Should I tell her?
Veronica
San Jose, California
Answer From Missy
Hi Veronica,
Choice rests on knowing the truth and this no-good man was dishonest.
The question of whether or not to tell someone else the truth of your experience with a man - or any other person - is a difficult one. (Should you tell a woman her husband has a mistress?) I tend to side with those who say "She's an adult" because you never know. Maybe he sees how he lost your friendship and will not repeat the same mistake with her. Maybe she sees him more clearly than you know or you did.
Your social group may be a lot of people who are superficial, only into it for the good times, or who do not have your values, and so you might want to move on from the entire group. This is not just about him betraying you but all of them betraying you.
I also tend to think that telling someone a difficult truth has to do with how close you are with a friend and this new woman is not in a friendship with you. That said, in my life when I told someone I thought of as close enough to confide in a difficult truth, for instance that their "hetero" husband was gay and cheating on them with men, or, for instance, that maybe it was best if they give up trying to adopt - the friendship ended. I spoke out of friendship, because I knew how these women were suffering. But some people do shoot the messenger. In a healthy friendship, both persons should be able to he heard.
Let's put this one out there. Are any of my dear readers opinionated?
Missy
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