I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT DOWN AND WRITE MYSELF A LETTER : SARAH VAUGHAN

SARAH VAUGHAN : I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT DOWN AND WRITE MYSELF A LETTER

MISSY ASKS YOU : DO YOU HAVE A PLATONIC MAN FRIEND WHO MAKES UP FOR WHAT YOU DON'T GET FROM YOUR MAN?

I think it's wonderful to have a platonic male friend or three, straight or gay, who you can go places with and have fun with and talk to about your problems - if he's the "keep it confidential" type.

But have you ever felt as if your platonic male is providing things that YOUR MAN IS NOT?

We can't get everything we want and need with JUST ONE PERSON IN OUR LIFE.  This is one of the reasons we have friends. 

But, if so, what exactly do you get?

Google images search - public domain

 

THE COCOANUT GROVE RESTAURANT in the AMBASSADOR HOTEL

images from Google Images

 

THE AMBASSADOR HOTEL and the COCOANUT GROVE RESTAURANT

which was inside the hotel... the restaurant in where more than one famous actress was discovered.  It's décor featured monkey's with glowing red eyes hanging from trees.

 

 

 

(For a wonderful recreation of the Cocoanut Grove Restaurant check out scenes in the film THE AVIATOR starring Leonardo DiCaprio! and if you're interested in Howard Hughes, see my posts on Faith Domergue!)

The 500 room Ambassador Hotel, which is also well known as the place in which Robert Kennedy was assassinated, was torn down in February of 2006 after 84 years on the site, having never been officially declared a historical landmark in the city of Los Angeles.

SHE'S COURTING A MUSICIAN WHO IS NOT COURTING HER : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy,

I'm in my first serious relationship.  My boyfriend is a musician.  He is talented, plays several instruments, recorded with a band, and has production credits.  He works hard and is always on call.  His income goes from low, so he drives for Uber, to high, and then he invests in a lot of equipment, studio rehearsal time, and other career oriented costs, leaving very little money for dates.

I make $25,000 a year which is tough to be renting my own apartment. 

I reassessed my relationship as you suggest in your blog here.

I realized that in 2015 I shopped, cooked, served, and cleaned up after dinner for two about 25 times.  That was more time consuming than I realized.  I didn't even have the time to give myself facials or do my nails!

He shares a house with room mates. We mostly hang out at my place. I feel a burden in having to keep it up to his standards, with everything in its place.  I asked him to help me move furniture and he said he would, but he never got around to it.

In that time he asked me out for coffee or dinner a few times, but it took weeks before we actually went.  One time he told me to pick any restaurant and I did but he kept vetoing my ideas.

When it comes to going places, making plans, it seems to fall to me.

He also let me know in November that he thinks we are not seeing each other enough and would like to come over twice a week.  The idea exhausted me but I do want to keep seeing him.

I realize that dating is a try out for living together or getting married.  My friends say this is how it is when you're with a musician.  I know that I would probably have to do all the shopping, meal preparation, and housework if we were living together or married so I feel kind of guilty that I feel so put upon. The main thing is that I want to go out on dates, get out of the  house, eat in restaurants instead of cooking so much.

Your opinion?

Molly,  Los Angeles

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Molly,

A first serious relationship often becomes important in a woman's life even when it doesn't last because it becomes a reference point, and since you are so involved with this man and thinking of living with him or marrying him, I get it that you don't want to break up with him. It's difficult to change the routine or his expectations though not impossible, but obviously you need a change.

Here's what gets me.  This man is getting the comfort and refuge of hanging out at your place with you and the pleasure of home cooked meals  WITHOUT COURTING YOU. You are not really playing house. If you were you would have had some agreement on who pays for what... right?  It seems he expects you to cover the expenses as is.

Have you ever heard of the Bowerbird?  The male flies around the countryside with a keen eye for shiny and sparkly things like trinkets and bits and pieces of tinsel or other interesting and unusual little items and he builds a nest with a mud walkway to the entrance. He puts all these things he found on display on the walk way and asks a female to come see and inspect and approve of the dwelling. She's looking and her instinct is that any male who can find such things must be very good at being a provider, especially of worms for the hatchlings they will have some day. She is honored that he did all this to prove to her that he is worth being her partner. So she goes down the path and into the nest.

The Bowerbird COURTS his lady.

And so it has been for a long long time that a man has to prove he is READY, WILLING, and ABLE to be a woman's partner.  The first way to prove it is to PAY FOR DATES.

Here is the modern woman's situation. It is still a man's world, even in the West, even in the First World. Women may have made progress in general and there are a few standouts, but income inequality exists. Women are also punished in the workplace for time off such as for child bearing and caring for their parents. Our lower incomes mean less money to use for education, less money to pay into social security, down payments on housing, and retirement savings. Very few women have the traditional life of being retired permanently into marriage and motherhood.  Women are not only mothering but also income earners, single or married.  This means that if you are going to have a man in your life, and he has so many advantages as a man, he should be contributing at least fifty percent of your relationship costs.

Of course your musician's career expenditures make sense and maybe if he was consistently making more money he could take you out on the town more often, but he is not READY, WILLING, and ABLE at this time.

You KNOW you WANT to be COURTED. You want a man to prove himself to you.  Wouldn't you be horrified if you found out that he is using some of his money to date someone else?

I can think of many examples in which a man who was serious about sharing his life with a partner made choices to do that.

For instance, one friend of mine who went through several long term "serious" relationships into his mid-thirties had been, since the age of 21, slowly paying off a 2 caret diamond ring which he felt would be good enough to give to "the one."  He knew all along that he didn't want to marry until he had that ring, and his business was making steady money.  He married a 19 year old when he was 35!  That ring was just the start of her jewels.

A woman friend of mine, after a secret affair in high school with the football hero, got involved with the poorest kid in her class, at that time the nerd. He was serious about her and so he went to community college while working as a cashier at a grocer. He eventually got a college degree in fire science.  He studied for the test and got 100%.  Today he makes over $100,000 a year and that's good because she's now a stay at home mom with several children!  During the entire time they were dating he managed to ask her out, pay for dates, pick her up in his car, and sometimes he even came over on the weekend to personally wash her car.

Another of my friends, a beautiful woman with a wealthy step-father, was often pursued by men who were so intent on marrying (her) money that she was asked rude and personal questions on first dates like, "What's in your stock portfolio?"  In order to let her Bowerbird find her, after many heartbreaks, we conspired to have her stop wearing her good jewelry and designer clothes when she was socializing to stop advertising her wealth, to begin to give answers, with a wink and a joke in her voice like "Tell you what, if you and I ever announce our engagement in the Times, you and daddy will have to sit down and talk."

So, Molly (and all you others out there who are feeling put upon), here are some easy ways to check that generous spirit.

If a man asks you to dinner and you agree, do not invite him anywhere until he follows through and takes you to dinner, even if weeks go by.  You should not have to remind him or coax him.  With this you are finding out if he is GOOD FOR HIS WORD.

Don't make up for not seeing a person in person by having long phone call "visits" or providing informational texts, selfies, or sending interesting links to let them know you're still around and interested.

To get out of the routine of providing home meals when you want to go out, say "I've been so busy that the idea of shopping, cooking, and cleaning the kitchen afterwards tires me out.  Let's go out for coffee.  (Then give yourself that facial and do your nails.!)

Best Wishes, Molly!

Missy

 

BBC DOCUMENTARY ON CLARA BOW : HOLLYWOOD'S LOST SCREEN GODDESS

CLARA BOW :  Schulberg owned Preferred Pictures, which was not considered to be the best of the studios. He and his studio made a fortune on her, especially as he lent her out to other studios. In this BBC Documentary called Hollywood's Lost Screen Goddess, it's said that he worked her like a dog. In 1925 she made 15 films. She was called "Box Office Gold."









CLARA BOW married Rex Bell and had two sons, Joe and Tony, but by 1949 she had checked into a mental hospital having been plagued by insomnia and head aches.  She had electroshock therapy and tried to forget her childhood, that her mother had tried to kill her and that her father had raped her.

FASHIONABLE 1920's

HOW MUCH OF A MAKEOVER DOES SHE REALLY NEED? HE LOVES HER AND HER (OLD) LOOK : ADVICE FROM MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I'm a mistress in New York City and a Classic Case.  The man I've loved for many years is always gone for the holidays so I'll see him again mid-January.  I know he loves me.  I'm fine with almost everything as is.  The other day I was looking in the mirror and I decided that I need a total makeover.  I feel like I'm trying to hard to look too young now.  The problem is that he loves my long hair and I'm so tired of the look and the upkeep.  He also loves my legs and so I always wear short skirts to show them off.  I wear them to work too, because he often meets me after.  My legs are still good, but I feel like I'm trying to be years younger than I am.  He takes me shopping and strongly suggests what we buy.

I'm afraid if I change my hair and my style he's going to hate it.  I think he likes looking at me and likes to be reminded of how I looked when we met close to 20 years ago.  I worry that the transition to looking older is not going to go well in this relationship but I want to age gracefully. I think it's time to make some changes.  Should I just make my changes and surprise him when I see him next ?

Allison

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Dear Allison,

We all age.  He has.  (Is he still wearing the same hair style and clothing he did all those years ago?)  But life isn't fair.  Lots of men who have let themselves go still expect their women to be in great shape. I've know some men who are slobs in their own appearance feel pride that their women are so neatly groomed.  And men seem to cherish that their woman be, or look, younger than they are.  (It's probably deep seated - biology.)

My suggestion would be that you do a make-over gradually.  I don't know how long your hair is, but let's say that if it's down to your bum, you could get maybe four inches taken off.  When he notices don't say anything apologetic or explaining or blaming such as claiming your hair dresser suggested it to get rid of the split ends.  Just say, lightly, "I thought I'd try it."  (Same thing for any color changes or covering the gray.  Don't shock him.  Go the same color or close to it.) 

Tell him things have changed at your work and people are dressing differently there and you want to fit in there rather than stand out.  I think you can start including items in your wardrobe, such as pants that might go with a suit jacket you already own. Just say, lightly, "These are so easy."

When he looks at you, he does notice your hair and your legs, and what you're wearing, but I suggest that when you look at him YOU ALWAYS LOOK HIM IN THE EYES.  Keep the eye contact, Allison.  And my feeling is that this may be the time to remember the romance and reignite it, for which you might also need some new purchases.

Missy

CLARA BOW on the COVER OF MOTION PICTURE CLASSIC MAGAZINE

Image From Google Image

search for Public Domain Clara Bow Magazine