Missy,
My best woman friend fell in love at 25 years old, married the man at 26, and by 27 found herself in a no-sex marriage. This man will say or do anything to avoid having sex with her. The reason he uses the most is that they are not ready to have children. I won't go into the details, but it's my opinion he's gay and married her as a cover.
So, other than trying to be supportive of my friend as she tries to figure out if she wants to stay or leave this marriage, what this has to do with me is that I had a relationship a couple years ago and the sex was bad. We were both young and inexperienced and so I thought that was why. After a couple months I wasn't into it and stopped dating that man. I recently heard he came out as gay. I got into another relationship and the sex was bad again. That time I didn't waste any time keeping it going.
My big questions is, if a man who is supposed to be heterosexual is bad in bed, is it because really he's gay?
Lizbeth,
Montana
ANSWER FROM MISSY
Lizbeth,
I always thought Montana was full of macho-type cowboys but you've got me wondering it they are gay cowboys!
There are many reasons why two people who are attractive enough to each other to go to bed then discover it just doesn't work between them. And depending what the problem is, it could be one thing or another. I figure if a couple have a whole lot going for them other than sex and want to stay in a relationship, going to a sex therapist together is a good idea. A sex therapist can probably give some great advice, having heard it all.
However, now that I've personally had more than one women friend discover they are dating or married to a gay men, and I know the heartbreak that discovery caused them, and the insecurity about their attractiveness that lead to revenge affairs, and so much else, well. Shooting from the hip, so to speak, I think yes, a man who is bad in bed with women may just not be attracted to the women or women in general. He may be hoping he's not gay. He may not know he's gay. He may actually be bisexual but more turned on by men.
Don't waste your time teaching him to perform what is not natural for him, that's what I think. He may be lazy, he may be bored, he may be selfish. He may be gay.
Here are some of the things that were reported to me as these women friends tried to sort out what was wrong.
X wanted to have sex in a way that does not require a woman's body.
Y seemed to have phobias about germs but also bodily fluids.
V noticed that the man when he encountered her parts above belt, would use the flat of his hand as if she were flat-chested. She later imagined him using his hand like that on his best buddy.
W claimed the only part of her body he was attracted to was her behind. He humiliated her by saying so to his men friends while she stood there.
G's man had her running to a doctor to see if she was normal after he made some specific complaints about something that the doctor said was just ridiculous.
R called his long time best friend to talk to him every day when he and my woman friend were supposed to be on their first vacation trip together and the sex was bad.
For all the men who are "out" there are still some who are not.
Missy
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