HER WELL EARNED REPUTATION AS A SEDUCTRESS : AN OPEN MARRIAGE WITH A MUCH YOUNGER HUSBAND

It seems that Lady Idina Sackville well earned her reputation as a seductress and that she may've even sought out scandal.  If there was inner torment, she hid it well. But while her reputation was trashed, she looked immaculate, having clothing made for her by Molyneux, wearing a bosom-flattening androgynous style that was fashion in that moment, which we are familiar with as that of the Flapper, the liberated woman of the 1920's.  She even had furs she had been given as wedding presents redesigned.

Thirty years old, her wild life well known, Idina did find love again. This time one of Britain's most eligible bachelors was penniless but much younger, only twenty-one to her thirty. Josslyn Hay would one day inherit a Scottish earldom and climb socially by inheritance but until then he was out for fun. Idina called Joss "My Darling Lion." Charles Gordon, her second husband, wanted to marry someone else and easily gave a divorce so that Idina and Joss could marry. The new couple made it on the cover of the society tell-all magazine Tatler.

A small civil marriage again, no one from Joss's family attended. In fact, they were unaware of it for several months and were angry when they found out but Idina won them over. That done, Idina took her third husband to Africa, to Kenya, to that dream of a life there free of all expectations.

Here again she came under criticism. Society forgave affairs, not repeated marriage. She was committing treason to her class. Suspicion was that she was mothering her husband instead of mothering her own sons. Expecting an Open Marriage this time around, Joss began having affairs immediately. Idina claimed she did not mind. He had an affair with an American heiress, Alice de Janze, and the two women shared him. Eventually they became friends both awaiting his return from some other woman's bed.

Idina may have married Joss in an attempt to keep him or control him.  She was soon to learn that he was always on a hunt for sexual adventures with other women.

Not to be outdone by a husband, Idina set the stage for a home to host wild parties. In Nairobi she managed to fill a house she had built with beautiful antiques and carpets brought from England and defied the African heat and soil by planting a green lawn and English flower beds. British settlers attempted to ranch but imported cattle and sheep that did not do well in the sun. These settlers remained as British as they could considering. They protected themselves from the sun with hats. Some of them thought Idina, who shockingly got sunburned and pragmatically wore pants, had "gone native." (Native Kenyans often had several wives.)

But where to find sex party participants?  The Muthaiga Club was where the newly landed gentry went for time off.  Many of these African adventurers were the second sons who had no birthright inheritance. All regarded extramarital sex as normal. The settlers lived miles apart, trying to establish their own working farms and ranches. Their opportunities to meet and socialize with one another and beat the isolation and boredom were limited to livestock auctions and horse races and the club. During Race Week in Nairobi, evening balls gave women the opportunity to look their best, dress in the latest fashions, and show off their expensive jewelry. They had not entirely left their Britishness or their class attitudes behind. While not every party was thrown with the intention to swing, Idina's invitations were sought after. Invitees were willing to drive hours to spend a "weekend" at her home. There they were attended to by servants, took hot baths, put on silk pajamas, and started drinking and entertaining themselves with talk about farming and books, pulling 'stunts' and revving up for Idina's swinger games.

But then Idina got pregnant. Concerned that she'd loose Joss over her pregnancy, she asked  Alice de Janze to move in.  Married for four years and the mother of two, Alice and her husband arrived in December 1925. Alice immediately started an affair with Joss. Asked if she minded, Idina replied that Alice was her best friend.

She gave birth to a daughter who was clearly Joss's.  This was her second chance to be a mother. He had no need for a male heir. 

Her efforts to keep Joss ultimately failed. 

Joss qualified as a man who preferred to be Kept by a woman - at least until he inherited. While out and about he met the second wife of Cyril Ramsey-Hill, Molly, born Mary Maude in London in 1893.  Like Idina, she had also given up a child in another marriage to marry Cyril. Molly was less than a year younger than Idina, so still an older woman for Joss. However, Molly had a private income that outshone Idina's. 

Joss knew Idina and he were drained financially and sexually. As a man after a fortune, he deliberately befriended Molly's husband so that he could be invited to spend time with Molly at their much more impressive house. Then, while Cyril was out of the country taking care of business, Joss moved in on Molly, and despite almost dying of malaria, abandoned Idina.  

Joss' parents became the new Earl and Countess of Errol and Joss and Idina became Lord and Lady Kilmarnock, he got a small but decent amount of money, which gave him independence rather than the opportunity to pay back some of the bills he and Idina had, and all their hard work was for naught.  The bank foreclosed on their property. 

Idina Sackville's third marriage was over and soon she would deposit her daughter with relatives in England. It was the spring of 1928, and she was thirty-five years old. Back in London her designer friend Molyneux let her earn some income by being a showroom model.  Her willingness to work was portrayed as her displaying her body to earn a living by The Express and she sued - and won.  This time around Idina also was the one to ask for and win a divorce.  She got it on the grounds that Joss had cheated on her with Mrs. Ramsey-Hill.

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Excerpts are from The Bolter, a book by Frances Osborne

REMINDER ABOUT USING COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG - MISTRESS MANIFESTO BLOGSPOT

I read every comment before deciding if I will publish it.  I'm looking for comments that are well spoken and well considered and that are on spot for the post the comment would appear under. I especially like comments that answer the questions I'm asking.

I do not publish SPAM such as people advertising themselves for sex or relationships, or "help" such as psychics and witch spells... I do not publish ranting, swearing, rude commentaries, or comments targeted against anyone as my blog is not the place to play out personal agendas or disagreements. I'm open to different opinions but please, think of how you spoke in class discussions at school and consider your audience! 

Friends, if there is someone you think I should do more research or reading about, please suggest books, articles, or leads to that information. 

THANKS!

Missy

A NEW HUSBAND AND KENYA : IDINA SACKVILLE and CHARLES GORDON

Since Euan had taken lovers, Idina Sackville thought she might also. If this was not revenge or evening the score, then it was because she loved sex and had been sex starved young woman as a wife whose husband was away most of the time. She started an affair with Charles Gordon and the couple were so open about it at one point they moved into a hotel together; Not the discretion required of a Lady who had been presented as a debutant at Court. So, it was thought best if she did not attend her sister's wedding as though she might bring bad luck to that marriage. 

Meanwhile Euan Wallace, though at least as much to blame for the ending of their marriage, remained close with her family, serving as the best man at the wedding, which unlike their own wedding, was a large and expensive and thus publicly acknowledged one. The wedding tweaked him to think a bit about his own marriage and the pending decision he awaited. He had given Idina two weeks to consider making another go of their marriage but in fact he had Barbie waiting for him, even if his intention was to continue to socialize and meet others. Idina held firm. She took the blame. He was granted a divorce based on Idina's infidelity, not his. The agreement included that the children would go to Euan. Weeks after the divorce Idina married Charles Gorden at the Chelsea Register Office, a simple civil ceremony. Weeks after that the couple headed for Kenya, then called British East Africa - Mombasa - the sea front and then Happy Valley - to establish a farm.

First roughing it by living in tents, then building a camp, as the couple walked and road around land purchased and made their plans for the future there in Africa, the excitement of the new adventure gave way to the realization that even though the cost of doing so was small compared to costs in England, it would require hard, hands-on work that they themselves would need to do even with all the inexpensive labor locally available. 

When they traveled on safaris, with porters carrying their belongings, they hunted Big Game, though often killing an elephant or other wild creature in its own habitat was thought of as self-protection. Idina was active on the hunt and shot animals as well as the men. She was comfortable with the lifestyle there in Africa and began a life-long love affair with the country. Back from such adventures, the new couple began to build a single-story house to settle in, a small, efficient house compared to the estates they were used to in England. Their plans would take time.

Then this second marriage began to come undone. Euan had been extremely active in life, getting things done, while Charles seemed lazy in comparison.  From his viewpoint, the problem was that Idina was a 'nymphomaniac.'  She took lovers even when he was around. 

By February of 1920, married only ten months, Idina left hot Africa for the cold of winter in England.  It had been a year since her divorce from Euan Wallace, who was still single.  He had been socializing in America, associating with some of America's richest and most prestigious families.  Was she hoping society would forgive her and allow her back in as a divorced woman?  Did she hope to get back into a relationship with him or miss her children? As it turned out, it was completely over between Idina and Euan. Even Euan had experienced being less than desirable in the marriage market. Euan proposed to Barbie and she accepted, breaking with her fiancée who was not nearly as rich. Barbie and Euan retained their friendship with Idina's sister.

EXCERPT : "It is one thing to close a door behind you. It is quite another to have somebody else lock it shut from the other side,  particularly if the person wielding the key is the woman with whom your husband fell in love when he was married to  you. To aggravate the situation, Idina would be expected to be grateful to Barbie for agreeing to stay in England and bring up her sons, while Idina had adventures abroad.  And now that her boys had a new mother there could be no question of Idina maintaining any contact with them whatsoever.  To do so would be regarded as destabilizing to the children, selfish of Idina, and unfair on Barbie, who had to establish her own relationship wit them." (Page 130 of the paperback.)

Now called British Crown Colony of Kenya, the country was booming. Her absence while in England had not made Charles Gordon's heart grow fonder.  Idina got busy going on safari's inviting other women as guests including famous aristocratic sports women who desired challenges previously unthinkable for women to attempt or achieve.  These were often other women who were also getting divorces. These women were, in my opinion, empowering themselves and making the way easier for other women. Most were rich in their own right.

In November 1921, having technically been married to Charles Gordon near another year, the twenty-eight year old Idina went back to London.  It could be said that she had lost near everything she could have had staying with Euan Wallace, and it was a changed London, not much like the Edwardian Era she had been raised in.

EXCERPT:  'This desire to overturn every previous code of behavior over-flowed into all areas of both the public and the private domain.  In restaurants the young crowd were louder, attempted to drink more champagne than anyone had before, and danced on the tables, the women sometimes wearing nothing under floating skirts.  Nudity was all the rage.  Women appeared in transparent dresses.  A fashion began for receiving guests while still in the bath and then openly and slowly dressing in front of them..."  (Page133 of the paperback.)

This time being divorced was not the shame and ruin it had once been and several of Idina's society women friends had been divorced. But there lingered the problem that a woman was not supposed to be the one to leave a marriage.

EXCERPT: "Society outlawed and branded a wicked woman. Idina clearly decided she might as well be as bad as she could.  She had her hair shingled to razor-thin shortness at the back and painted her fingernails green.  With her new pet, the serval cat*, on a leash, she stayed out all night and slept all day... " (Page 135 of the paperback.)

* a wild cat she took as a pet in Africa  Idina had once made the rounds carrying a black Pekinese dog she named Satan.

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Excerpts are from The Bolter, a book by Frances Osborne

PEACOCK BUTTERFLY

 

SHE NEVER STOLE A HUBAND

"However many lovers she would have in the years that followed, it was said of her that she never stole another woman's husband but might pick them up if they were lying around.  To Idina 'left lying around' would show itself to mean either sanctioned by their wives to sleep with whomever they chose, or abandoned by wives traveling abroad.  it would not mean husbands who were at loose ends while their wives were sick."

From page 105 paperback The Bolter by Frances Osborne

Missy here: I think this is an important distinction. Her first husband had gone off partying when she was sick and still in love with him.

LADY IDINA SACKVILLE : MARRIAGE GONE WRONG

According to author Frances Osborne, who by the way is the great grand-daughter of  Lady Idina Sackville,  the 'Bolter' started out in a first marriage to one of the richest and most eligible bachelors in Britain. David Euan Wallace, with the expectations of the Edwardian era aristocracy.  Despite her family having a bit of a tainted reputation because of the unconventional doings of her mother, Muriel, Countess De La Warr, Idina was presented as a debutant at Court and married.  Soon enough Idina had two sons, fulfilling her womanly role to provide heirs. 

Marriage was for the protection of property and inheritances and, having provided these two sons, by the standards of her peers, a woman could have affairs just like her husband, as long as absolute discretion was kept. Any children conceived with other men would be raised as though they were the sons of her husband. The precedent had been set when the then Prince of Wales and his friends met at the Marlborough House and indulged themselves. They were called The Marlborough Set. What was good for them was good for the aristocracy.

Then World War I broke out and everything changed.

Although men from the upper classes were monied and educated and heading for tremendous careers if they chose to work, or like Euan Wallace, intended to serve in the Calvary which was self-financed, they did not shy away from military service. They wanted to be part of England's role in World War I. Euan went to war and was wounded with shrapnel while serving in Belgium. Perhaps it was being so close to death and violence, but when he came back a couple months after Idina had given birth to their second son, he threw himself into having a good time. There was a man shortage true and he was still one of the richest young men in the country.  He found himself surrounded by women. Euan slept around and his lovers included Idina's women friends.You could say that the young husband had been informed by death and was trying to defy it by throwing himself into entertainments.  However, reading The Bolter, I got the impression that he was uninterested in maintaining a marriage or being a father, that he was immature.

He especially went for Barbie, a younger woman who wanted a rich husband and kept herself for marriage and just out of his intimate reach. Until recently single women could not go out without chaperones and there she was, available, but not too available. She and other friends saw him off as he returned to the war. Idina was left behind.

Idina didn't want to play the possessive and demanding wife but he left her home sick to have a good time. It was clear they were leading separate lives and that he'd moved on. He thought so little of her that six weeks went by when he didn't write of her in his diary. She had been the good wife who had written to her soldier husband every day. Of course, some mutual friends were having a good time with him and were part of this problem, but he no longer even put Idina first in public as a good Edwardian husband was to do.

Idina decided to leave him rather than wait for him to leave her.  Married five years, she was only twenty-five years old in 1918.

On November 11th, Armistice Day, World War I was over, to everyone's' great relief. That day she wrote Euan and asked him for a divorce.

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The above book review-report post is the result of reading the book The Bolter from cover to cover.

SWALLOW TAIL

 The images used this month are from the New York Public Library collection

 and are in public domain.  The originals were "cigarette cards"

LADY IDINA SACKVILLE : SCANDALIZED THE ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY WITH HER FIVE DIVORCES : MISTRESS OF THE MONTH

 

I read the paperback, published in 2008, from cover to cover.  

MYRA IDINA SACKVILLE

1893 – 1955

Today it's not unusual to meet someone who has been through a couple divorces or many relationships.  We often meet (or are) the "serial monogamist" who has not legally married and so we can't count the legal divorces. In the Edwardian era, marriage was still the best option for women. Wives of the upper classes were expected to tolerate their husband's affairs and remain in the marriage. They were also expected to marry in the first bloom of youth. The case has been made that Idina Sackville did instigate a divorce from her first husband, thus making her entitled to be called a "bolter," but her other four divorces?  It was complicated. She did not exactly bolt from these. Perhaps she had learned there was no point in having someone in your life who had moved on to someone else. Idina's life was considered scandalous not just because she married and married and married, was a class traitor or unstable but because she deserved the reputation for being a swinger. outrageous sexuality.

Idina birthed two sons and a daughter. She gave up raising the boys as an agreement for divorce from her first husband.  When he remarried, his new wife took over raising them and she was locked out of their lives. Idina was not allowed to contact them and would not even try until they were nearing adulthood. Had she been that easily persuaded that to be childfree meant freedom? Was her hedonistic lifestyle all about masking heartbreak or was she someone who thought one should love the one they were with? Her daughter by a third husband was with her for several years and then raised by her brother and in boarding schools.

Idina's mother, Murial, was the rebel first, also divorcing, getting involved in socialist movements and a mystical religion called Theosophy. This tainted the family's reputation but was considered an interesting eccentricity. Idina got involved in an important aspect of feminism, called suffrage then, the right to vote for women.  It makes sense that she became aware of how unequal women were in marriage, how trapped.

"A man's infidelity counted for nothing since any illegitimate children he produced would stay outside both the marriage and inheritance rights."  (Page 22 of the paperback)

Idina, however, was not alone in having a non-conformist attitude. What made Idina and her "set" unusual was that they were defying all expectations of even the aristocratic and titled in England, who accepted affairs but not divorce, which was considered extreme. They were expected to make examples of themselves for the middle and lower classes. Was Idina less of a hypocrite? Was she just ahead of her times, wanting and needing the "more" that has become an expectation of relationships today? Or was sexual adventure her whole purpose? 

The Happy Valley set as it was called were people who were living in the Highlands of Kenya as ex-pats, many who attempted to tame the land and farm it, some seriously, some just to see if they could.  Many of them had inheritances or trust funds or money coming in from somewhere so that they didn't have to work for a living to start but at some point they had to turn a profit. Idina was one of them by birth though not motivated by money to stay in that first marriage with one of the richest young men in the world.  However, she saw Africa as the opportunity to start anew.

Idina threw sex parties, inventing games so guests would pair off with someone other than the partner they came to the party with. Considered beautiful, with big blue eyes but for an unfortunate chin, she was unafraid to be seen nude and natural though she was also known for having beautiful clothing and wearing clothes well, as she moved with grace in them.

The Happy Valley Set were not the only group of people experimenting with open relationships, spouse swapping, and alternative lifestyles a hundred or so years ago. Many of them did change legal partners, moving towards settling for someone along the way as they aged, if not their original spouse. Perhaps the expats in Kenya were glad to be so far from home, cold and rainy England and all its traditions. Africa meant hot weather, gorgeous rural views, exotic wild animals, houses and rural farms. It could also meant isolation, boredom, and drinking more alcohol.

Let's imagine Idina at eighteen years old in 1911 though. It's a time when girls are shucking their chaperones, staying up late listening to records on the phonograph, driving cars, smoking cigarettes and drinking, all considered evidence of liberation, but most importantly getting involved in politics and the rights of women. Rich girls especially were getting out there in the world, traveling, having adventures. Idina had a good name, even if her parents split up, and had composure and beauty. She wanted to find a husband. She was too young to imagine a life otherwise. Didn't everybody get married? Her mother, Muriel, Countess De La Warr, lodged her with an aunt in London and that year she became a debutant. Such was the prestige of her family that she was presented to the Queen at Court. Then her family gave her a little dance at the Ritz. She was photographed for the society news hanging out with friends as well as actresses and singers.

To stand out she decided to carry a little Pekinese dog with her wherever she went. She named the dog Satan. 

Not engaged by the end of that first season, which was the expectation, Muriel decided it would be too humiliating for her daughter to go another round in England and sent her to America - to New York City - on a steamship. The pressure was on the men to find a wife too, and well, being chaperoned by a railroad heir and a mining heir, staying in the United States for a whole year, gave the impression there was competition for her. Imagine being 19 and already having that pressure, that worry.

In 1913 she was back in London and engaged, while she continued to work for a group that backed Votes for Women. Her fiancée was one of the most eligible bachelors in Europe, a 21 year old rich enough to be in the Calvary, where the men financed their participation, David Euan Wallace, called Euan. He was an heir to an industrial fortune made in iron and probably just as immature as she was. Euan's family's company had 30,000 to 40,000 employees and were perhaps the richest family in Scotland. They also owned land. They indulged in philanthropy.  They had money to spare. Once married To Euan, Idina would never have to worry about money again providing she remained married.  All that was required of her then would be to do her duty of producing an heir. 

In October 1913, the engagement of Idina and Euan was announced in the Times (of London) and he set up a 100,000 pound marriage trust *** for Idina.  Her financial future was secure.

He called Idina, who was small, "Little One" and he called her "Brownie." Then they married very quietly in a small church and went off on an Egyptian honeymoon.  The intentions seemed right. What could go wrong?

To learn more about Idina Sackville and her life, continue to read this month's posts, as I explain and try to understand what she did with her life.

Missy

***A marriage trust is in place in case a spouse dies.  Its like an insurance policy.  This amount does not reflect upon the amount of money a wife has to live on or spend while married to an alive husband. 

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