A LONG EMAIL CONVERSATION THAT TURNS INTO GHOSTING? QUESTIONS FOR MISSY

QUESTION FROM READER

Missy,

I did meet, "Robert" on line and we started e-mailing. He lives in another country but has been in the United States a few times. We e-mailed frequently and have shared so much about our lives. This went on for a few years. The problem is that I have only seen one blurry picture of Robert and I only spoke to him on the phone one time. That was towards the end of our e-mailing. I didn't know if we had just taken the emailing friendship was far as it would go or if maybe seeing the picture of me (a decent one) made him realize he was not interested in me. There wasn't any context that was flirty or sexual, but I also didn't think a man would spend so much time e-mailing and not have a sincere interest in our friendship. It all stopped short of Zoom or other on line conversations.  He started responding with a few lines and then ghosted me.

I may have lost Robert but I was wondering if you have any ideas about how to conduct an e-mail friendship.

Judy

Baltimore

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry to hear that your good friend Robert is no longer in your life. I suspect he has gotten himself in a serious romance with a local woman.  Maybe some day you will be surprised with an e-mail from him but you should probably think of him as gone.

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought lately because I too had a friendship that was all about e-mail with a woman who I met volunteering.  The e-mailing was during Covid.  She's an anti-vaxxer and now that restrictions are eased, she does not want to get together, not even to have lunch at a restaurant that has outside seating.  I like her and we have some things in common, but sometimes she would send messages that gave me a feeling she had not "heard" me. I sometimes spent an hour or more communicating through typing with her and admit that sometimes her messages kept me from feeling down. I'm getting busier and started feeling like I do not want to communicate with her so much by e-mail.

I don't know that it's any different - be it a man FRIEND or a woman FRIEND, but sometimes a friendship has it's reasons for a while but not a lifetime.

In general I think e-mail is better than long distance phone charges, but now that so many of us have unlimited cell phone long distance, I don't see a reason for e-mailing back and forth so much.  An in-person friendship is best, phone calls between in-person get-togethers. You can say more and all you have to in much less time with a phone call.  However, some people just like to write or feel they express themselves best in writing. Just like some people are satisfied with one long phone call a year to keep their friendship. Time zone differences and life circumstances may also make e-mail a better option, such as when a friend has young children to attend to but might be able to pick up and answer e-mails once they're asleep.

Your question edges into the question of men and women who meet on-line, sometimes who live at too great a distance to meet up in person and find out if they like each other or are comfortable with each other.  Sometimes when people do meet up they find themselves turned off or, though they considered it a platonic friendship, find themselves attracted to one another. I've heard of people who did all their dating by Zoom or the like, even men who sent for women to marry from other countries who dated this way.  I personally would not trust that.

In general I think that if a woman is actively seeking a man for reasons other than platonic friendship, and the connection is social media or on-line dating, she should not get caught up in an e-mail relationship with him. After a few back and forth, hello, how are you, tell me more about you communications, plan to meet for coffee or tea, spend an hour or so, and go home alone. I'm advising everyone to SLOW IT DOWN.

That is because by now I've heard of too many bad relationships that were entered into on a whim.

If a heterosexual man tells you about women he is dating or having a relationship with, clearly he has no interest in you as a special woman but sees you as one of the boys, so to speak. If he does not venture there he either has nothing much happening, wants to be private about it, or maybe has the idea that maybe, maybe one day he'll have interest in you.

Missy

C 2022 

PROFESSIONAL USE OF CELL PHONES, E-MAIL, SOCIAL NETWORKING and WORKING FOR PAY

I recently met people in their twenties who grew up using computers and prefer cell phones - in particular texting - to in person interactions, even at work. They are using their PERSONAL CELL PHONES to contact other people on staff, for instance while at work.  Maybe "everybody" does it. 

I think this is unprofessional.

You should have one cell phone that is paid for by your company for work communications. Absolutely nothing of a personal nature should be on this phone. Just as your work e-mail should not be used for personal communications.

You should have one cell phone, with a private number, that you give out to family, friends, and use for personal business, that you pay for.  It should be off or on silent (no vibration) and in your purse or jacket while you are working.  The time to look at it is when you are on a break or at lunch - preferably when off the premises and having private time.  Scout the area around your place of work for private spaces to make and take calls, not overheard. Your personal phone should not be used for any work related communications. It is your personal possession and hopefully you do not have an employer who takes possession of employee phones while they are working, which is ridiculous, though I've heard of it happening on the basis that they don't want phones ringing and annoying and distracting while working.  So keep it on you but off.

At some jobs there is down time and you may find yourself staring at a computer screen and have internet.  I know there is a temptation to use this time for personal reasons, such as making vacation plans, or ordering products on line. This is unprofessional.  Anything you are personally paying for should be researched and bought on your own computer or cell phone.  Use down time to make order of your desk, clean out your drawers or the office kitchen microwave, or make a list of things you need to do.

I'm strongly recommending also that you create and keep a boundary between your personal and professional life in other ways, be it that you are working for pay or working without pay as a volunteer. 

Keep gossip to a minimum if you can't avoid it at all.  Sure you want to be in the know about changes in the workplace that effect you and your career, but soon enough if it's true information your higher ups will make an announcement.  If you are looking for another job, keep it to yourself.  

Don't discuss your personal life such as who you are dating or having sex with or what all you did on the weekend.  Weekends can be "busy" or "relaxing."  You can tell people about an engagement after it is announced to your family.  You can invite your boss to your wedding.  Don't have dates into your workspace, meet elsewhere.

If you are having marital discord or getting a divorce, do not discuss the details. Only mention these things such as giving notice to move on to a new job or a divorce when they have been finalized. Really anything can happen, but since your personal life shouldn't have much impact on your professional responsibilities (or you don't want your coworkers or boss to reference your personal life as why you are not keeping up), keep talking about it to a minimum.

Let's say you are having issues with child care.  Go to your immediate supervisor and ask if you can have a brief meeting. During the meeting simply state that your caregiver has given notice and that you're actively looking for another.  A valued employee will be given some leeway by a good boss to take care of personal business such as this, such as sometimes having to take off a morning or a day as we ALL have personal business.  The key is to not make it a problem for them to solve.

There's no reason to hide behind texting, e-mail, or social networking when you are in the same office or frequently see coworkers and bosses. In person, face to face communication is the best.

Social Networking is used as Marketing a lot these days but don't get confused.  Marketing is generally for a product or service and commentary should be kept to that.  It is not the place to offer happy birthdays, congratulations on non-product or service successes, or - worst of all - photos of people who did not even give their permission for their images to be put up there on the net.

Remember that a PRIVATE LIFE is only private it if is kept so. You owe no one an explanation really but may encounter people at the office who are fueled by gossip, who saw you out somewhere having a good time, or otherwise are minding yours, digging around. They are bored, simply curious, trying to bond as "friends," or out to have something on you that they can use competitively.

 And you, being professional, don't say "What business is it of yours," though you'd like to.

Here are some responses I gave to dirt-diggers through the years who were on fact finding missions, so to speak, by gossiping.

*

"I saw him out with a girl with long hair.  She wasn't very good looking." (Disapproving.)

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!"  (Give the so-what shrug and change the subject.)

*

Woman, hands on hips, said, "That K, her family is as poor as dirt."

"Isn't it great that here in America we can all strive to achieve?"

*

Why haven't you gotten married?

"Gosh, I'll have to think about that one!"  Laugh or wink.  

*

"Our boss is having an affair with his secretary.  What do you think of that?"

"It's none of my business."

*

Changing the subject back to a business subject is the professional thing to do.

"I'm so busy right now, I better get back to work."

Missy

FORGET TEXTING AND E-MAILING YOUR LOVER : OPINION BY MISSY

I rarely text anymore and have been known to block someone or shut down an e-mail address as soon as I perceive that someone I trusted should not be.  Have you ever had an e-mail address that had absolutely no spam for years become the target of porn spammers simply because you gave that address out on a contact sheet that was circulating around a room at a local event?  Have you ever lent your phone to someone only to have the person they called on it harass you? Have you ever lost your phone or had it stolen and realized that the person who now has the phone in hand knows a lot about your life?  How about a male "friend" who is keeping tabs on you and has a fantasy relationship with you in his mind because he sends little pictures and jokes and you are too kind to never respond?  I've had all those experiences, which is why I'm more cautious these days.

TEXTING AND E-MAILING ARE SIMPLY SO EASY that we have forgotten that our messages can be used against us and CELL PHONES HAVE MADE USING THEM AT ANY HOUR OF THE NIGHT OR DAY A TEMPTING OPTION.  There you are, thinking about someone, wanting very much to reach out, or say I love you, but how many of us have learned the hard way that texting and e-mailing do not make a relationship! 

You know that you can send a message in the middle of the night and that the person will recieve it in the morning when they turn on their phone.  That's not really disturbing anyone, is it?  Well, yes it can be. With cell phones the days of trying to find a phone booth to call someone are over, but keep on the lookout for working phone booths because they may be a better option.

We think we are keeping in touch or providing some vital information - making plans for the next date - when we use them but really RECENT PUBLIC SCANDALS HAVE REMINDED US - TAUGHT US -  THAT TEXTING AND E-MAILING ARE ONLY AS PRIVATE AS THE PERSON WHO RECEIVED MESSAGES, and how sure can we be of privacy when we really don't know someone as much as we should first before we start sending them?  They are not private messages when there is someone who who will reveal their content to others for their own reasons or purposes.  Certainly email or texting "evidence" can be kept, retrieved and sent out.  Once you send a text to someone's phone it can be resent to dozens of people and those dozens can resend it too.  You are out of control!

Don't think I'm against technology.  I obviously blog, and I welcome people to send me a question or comment using the Google comments option.  I have the controls turned on so that I get to read a comment and decide if it will appear on the net, in order to keep people who might be vulgar or trying to sabotage this blog away, and I promise readers that if they want to send me their e-mail via comments, I will contact them.  It doesn't happen that often, but so far this has worked well.  That's because I would never out a common person who is confiding in me, but I don't blame someone who wants to be cautious with me.

TEXTING AND E-MAILING taking the place of in person, private conversations simply do not further intimacy.   Don't be fooled.   Relationships still take time and energy to develop, nurture, and keep and they happen IN PERSON!  If someone says they will call to make plans, they should.  They shouldn't be sending a Text, a picture, or a joke as a substitute rather than follow through. 

Last year I had two friends who just wanted to text.  I couldn't figure out why they didn't just want to talk on the phone when we spent hours back and forth texting.  One of them said she didn't want her room mate to overhear her and I believed it but when the room mate moved out it was the same.  Finally, I decided I would tell them that I no longer text, but would like to get together for coffee and talk.  It may surprise you, but it didn't me, that both friendships ended.

Texting and e-mailing are a good way to spend time and energy on relationships that are going nowhere.

So - no personal texting or e-mail at work, not when working, not after hours, and not on their computer.
And erase personal messages off your phone soon after you get them.  Never put first and last names in your phone, use nicknames if you can.  Never put personal addresses, e-mails and so on in your phone.

Think ahead to that phone being in someone else's possession.   - Missy

C 2013 Missy Rapport / Mistress Manifesto  All Rights Reserved.
Keep an old fashioned phone book with names and addresses.