A LONG EMAIL CONVERSATION THAT TURNS INTO GHOSTING? QUESTIONS FOR MISSY

QUESTION FROM READER

Missy,

I did meet, "Robert" on line and we started e-mailing. He lives in another country but has been in the United States a few times. We e-mailed frequently and have shared so much about our lives. This went on for a few years. The problem is that I have only seen one blurry picture of Robert and I only spoke to him on the phone one time. That was towards the end of our e-mailing. I didn't know if we had just taken the emailing friendship was far as it would go or if maybe seeing the picture of me (a decent one) made him realize he was not interested in me. There wasn't any context that was flirty or sexual, but I also didn't think a man would spend so much time e-mailing and not have a sincere interest in our friendship. It all stopped short of Zoom or other on line conversations.  He started responding with a few lines and then ghosted me.

I may have lost Robert but I was wondering if you have any ideas about how to conduct an e-mail friendship.

Judy

Baltimore

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry to hear that your good friend Robert is no longer in your life. I suspect he has gotten himself in a serious romance with a local woman.  Maybe some day you will be surprised with an e-mail from him but you should probably think of him as gone.

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought lately because I too had a friendship that was all about e-mail with a woman who I met volunteering.  The e-mailing was during Covid.  She's an anti-vaxxer and now that restrictions are eased, she does not want to get together, not even to have lunch at a restaurant that has outside seating.  I like her and we have some things in common, but sometimes she would send messages that gave me a feeling she had not "heard" me. I sometimes spent an hour or more communicating through typing with her and admit that sometimes her messages kept me from feeling down. I'm getting busier and started feeling like I do not want to communicate with her so much by e-mail.

I don't know that it's any different - be it a man FRIEND or a woman FRIEND, but sometimes a friendship has it's reasons for a while but not a lifetime.

In general I think e-mail is better than long distance phone charges, but now that so many of us have unlimited cell phone long distance, I don't see a reason for e-mailing back and forth so much.  An in-person friendship is best, phone calls between in-person get-togethers. You can say more and all you have to in much less time with a phone call.  However, some people just like to write or feel they express themselves best in writing. Just like some people are satisfied with one long phone call a year to keep their friendship. Time zone differences and life circumstances may also make e-mail a better option, such as when a friend has young children to attend to but might be able to pick up and answer e-mails once they're asleep.

Your question edges into the question of men and women who meet on-line, sometimes who live at too great a distance to meet up in person and find out if they like each other or are comfortable with each other.  Sometimes when people do meet up they find themselves turned off or, though they considered it a platonic friendship, find themselves attracted to one another. I've heard of people who did all their dating by Zoom or the like, even men who sent for women to marry from other countries who dated this way.  I personally would not trust that.

In general I think that if a woman is actively seeking a man for reasons other than platonic friendship, and the connection is social media or on-line dating, she should not get caught up in an e-mail relationship with him. After a few back and forth, hello, how are you, tell me more about you communications, plan to meet for coffee or tea, spend an hour or so, and go home alone. I'm advising everyone to SLOW IT DOWN.

That is because by now I've heard of too many bad relationships that were entered into on a whim.

If a heterosexual man tells you about women he is dating or having a relationship with, clearly he has no interest in you as a special woman but sees you as one of the boys, so to speak. If he does not venture there he either has nothing much happening, wants to be private about it, or maybe has the idea that maybe, maybe one day he'll have interest in you.

Missy

C 2022 

CHASING MEN? : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY:

Hi Missy

There is so much dating advice on the Internet, lots of YouTube videos put up by experts, and they mostly seem to say women should not chase men. Is Biology as Destiny still the thing? What's your opinion?

Mercedes

Nevada

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Mercedes!

Life sure is more complicated because there are no longer strong rules based on gender about courtship behavior which we as a Western society overall wanted to be liberated from.  A hundred years ago a kiss could be taken for a promise of marriage in some sets. Do women really want to go back there to the days when a woman who had sex before marriage might be condemned for it, even be forced into prostitution because no one would marry her? 

Do men? 

I doubt it. 

However, people are confused, not only about what the right thing to do is, but what it is they personally want. 

What some people want is traditional gender roles in which the man pursues. 

There's also so many more opportunities to meet people because of the Internet - matchmaking - social networking - dating clubs - if you're interested.  I'm not attracted to that experience and have not tried it to this point.  I think meeting people in person is the best.

I was sitting at an outdoor table at a coffee house recently when a man asked if he could sit with me. There were no other tables open. This place is temporarily important to me because it has outdoor tables. What could I say?

He proceeded to talk about himself and his sex adventures. 

I found myself interested to a point. I thought, "Research for my blog!" 

After a bit I thought this man was simply a self-obsessed obnoxious bore. His phone was alerting him to one woman after another messaging him of her interest from one site after another. He said he felt he should "show respect" by responding to these women quickly.  I asked him if he was addicted to these alerts.  He said maybe.

He told me about three women he was having sex with, one he called "a hairy beast" who he had suggested a Brazilian to! Here he was naming women and saying who was or was not good at sex. The red headed Jewish actress who says she loves sex. The blond WASP heiress who says she isn't looking for marriage. The executive who seems to keep putting her business before him. Of course he's a lonely man and very likely a sex addict who should probably seek therapy. What about these women? Are they sex addicts too?  Do they think they've started up something exclusive with him?  I'm sure they have no idea that he's sitting with a woman and talking his sex with them. 

Besides his cell phone ringing with new women who claim interest in him, he said he was part of a group of five people who all agreed they could call each other up any time for a bootie call. It sounded civilized. At least among them this had been discussed and agreed upon.  I wondered if there was bisexuality in the group.

He had told me about walking down the Boardwalk with a camera years ago and how easy it was to take women back to his studio and have sex with them. Considering that today we must be concerned about so many SIDS, I listened without saying what I thought. 

Did he care about my opinion?  Probably not.  Does he think of me as a woman?  Probably not. (But he would still have sex with me if I said I wanted to because an addict is an addict.)  Did he think he was making me interested in him?  I was not - at all.

There are a lot of men like him because they are spoiled by women who offer so much, sometimes competitively, to men for so little. These are the advocates of sex as free who might ask you if you are "free spirited."

There are men who learn "tricks" for picking up women. Some men will say anything - even that they will marry you.

Women, if your self assessment is that this (sex) is just what you want to experience at this time of your life, at least use contraception and practice safer sex. Be concerned about your fertility and your health if not your emotions.

What if none of these women were signaling their interest in him?  What if his phone wasn't ringing with women who think they are interested in him based on a photo and a profile that brags his accomplishments?  What if he had to get out there and meet women in person, do the choosing and the wooing?  

Because of this type of man, I think it's in a woman's best interested to not initiate contact with a man or men. Will not contacting them prevent you from meeting such men?  No, but not initiating contact might cut down on the numbers of men a woman has to delete from her experience. If you're using the Internet to meet someone special, be sober about it. Even small rejections that happen well before there ever was a relationship can add up and hurt you.

I think at least initially a woman should let a man pursue her. I think "Slow down!"  If "All He Wants is Sex" he will not invest time in you. He will not show interest in your life, your experiences, your opinions. He will limit knowing you to knowing your body. If a relationship is established, a woman can be more contributing and initiating. Letting him start things up isn't a life sentence of repressed, traditional femininity.  Rather it's one of your filters.

Missy

C 2021  Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

MAIL ORDER BRIDES - INTERNATIONAL MEET UPS - MATCHMAKERS - THE BUSINESS OF MARRIAGE : SPECIAL TOPIC

Over the last several years, rather than keep to the usual Mistress (or Mantress) of the Month format, I've been covering special topics that I think will be of interest to my steady readers in December - the Holidays.

I know that the holidays are busy.  I know that some of my readers, who are involved with others who are married and elsewhere, may feel especially bored and lonely.  The Coronavirus-19 Pandemic has put extra stress on everyone, particularly those who have had to sequester themselves without visits from the one they love and lust after. Too many Zoom meetings already.  I wonders if we will ever safely date.  Can we even kiss someone we just met?

This might be a good time to read this blog from start to finish if you have never and think about what life as a Mistress (or Mantress) has been for some of those who couldn't keep their lives a secret because they were just too famous or they themselves wrote a book about that experience. Maybe this will help you assess your own relationships, your needs and desires.  Maybe you're one of those people who think being Kept is something you would never do. Or maybe you're trying to decide if you stay or go in an extramarital relationship. Remember that for every one person who is known, there are likely hundreds who have arrangements, and many thousands who've had an affair.

You may be NMNK and happy or you may long for a partner in life.  There's a question you must ask yourself...

Do you want to be married?

If you're someone who wants to be married but you just can't seem to get a relationship going in that direction, you may have considered what's out there - Internet based dating clubs which have their basis in what used to be called Lonely Hearts Clubs! There are many opportunities to meet someone long distance, such as someone from another country who is actually still living there.  These long distance connections are aided by companies, hundreds of them from what hear, that charge mostly  Westernized men to meet mostly "foreign" women.

One of the stereotypes we deal with as a society is that men are marriage adverse and women want to be married and have to be patient, or be tricky, or extra sexy, or something in order to snare a resistant man. Is a man who is in love resistant just because he's male?

In truth, there are many  good men who want to be married because they see the value in it. Some men flourish in a good marriage. Others just seem to have no luck. Are they just "too picky"? Is their wish list just too difficult to fulfill? Maybe having no luck works in their favor - for a while.  A man who has had a hard time meeting Ms. Right might just appreciate a good woman more than a man who is spoiled by women.  Any woman who has been baited, hooked, and then thrown back into the sea by a man whose just no good, who has issues with commitment or does this to flatter his ego or impress his lousy friends, wants one of those good men - a keeper!  Some women are willing to share a good man too.

So this month I want to look at the men who desire marriage so much they have given up on it all happening organically and naturally and have decided to try to import a partner for life.  They seek a woman who will be the ultimate gift to themselves!  And I want to look at the whole arranged marriage deal in this, the 21st century!

Missy

"HOT GIRLS WANTED" FILM RAISED MY FEMINIST ANGER

Over the  New Years holidays I had some down time to do nothing but watch films and among the many I watched was HOT GIRLS WANTED, a documentary that came out a few years ago.  I was unprepared with how upset I would feel watching it, learning that there are more hits to pornography sites than all the hits to Google and several other major sites, and most of it is amateur (meaning unpaid) porn that young women, 18-21, have posted themselves, in an attempt to gain popularity, competitively for hits, and to try to launch themselves into the professional porn industry. Much of the porn is degradation and violence against women so the men who like this stuff are clearly too screwed up and should be avoided - if you learn the truth about them in time.  Apparently many men are investing in that. Obviously their hatred of women and sexual perversion (I know - an unpopular word these days) results in wanting to see pretty beautiful women being treated horribly.  

My feminist anger rose. 

I had no idea about some of it. And I thought about all the women friends I've had who started hating dating and hating sex and hating men because they were treated so badly, though not as badly as these women were. 

I reminded myself that MISTRESS MANIFESTO BLOGSPOT is a Woman's Studies site basically and how in college almost no men took a Woman's Studies class.

These turned-pro porn actresses knew in advance what they were going to do, yes. They were offered pay and were paid. Some got sick, tired, disillusioned.  One was lucky enough to end up with a boyfriend who loved her anyway.

There is money in it, but not necessarily money enough for saving for one's future, such as paying for an education to gain a career or to invest for one's old age. The average young woman answers an ad such as on Craig's List and takes a free flight to Florida. It's explained that while Los Angeles, perhaps more specifically The San Fernando Valley - Chatsworth, had been the porn capital, once the law changed and actors had to use protection, Florida has no such laws.  Hello VD, AIDS, unplanned pregnancy?

Parents usually find out in about a month. Neighbors are looking at these porn sites and recognize the woman they graduated high school or went to college with. The small town these women fled for this experience may never allow them to forget it. Is there life after porn?  Since this seems to be a Internet-generational experience, perhaps because it's so common, more yes than no?  Still, I feel sorry for young women who choose this experience which I feel is part of their youth and inexperience, their immaturity but I question, seriously, why anyone would want to trade their self respect and self esteem for money in such a blatant, harsh, and cruel way.  

Where is the love?

The young man who is something of a procurer/agent/middle man and who lets them live with him seems also to have no interest in life other than making money.  I wonder if it's world of sociopaths we're living in.  These "girls" are used up and spit out. 

And so I think love is in short supply. 

If you have it, cherish it. 

Missy

HE DIED AND NOW SHE'S A SLUT! OPINION BY MISSY!

HE DIED AND NOW SHE'S A SLUT! OPINION BY MISSY!

She was a married woman and the mistress of a divorced man. My friend who I'll call Mary, just lost the man she'd been with for nine years, I'll call him Bert.

Mary and her husband, who has custody of the sons, let's call him Johnny, had never divorced and no love lost either. Bert was divorced and still friends with his ex-wife who got to keep their house.

Mary traveled the country with Bert all those nine years. These travels were not at all luxurious so you know, we were sure the relationship wasn't at all about wealth and all about love. They got along very well, had several mutual interests, and he supported her.

The situation was difficult. Mary and Bert stayed together other against the wishes of her husband, who will not give her a divorce, and the needs of her children; that's what my girlfriends and me thought. We thought it was really unfair somehow that Mary's daughter went to live with a relative and her sons stayed in the family home with Johnny. She had been declared an unfit mother; if Johnny was going to punish her it was with the children.

I asked Mary more than once why she didn't go ahead and get that divorce. She and Bert were in their 40's and her children were almost adults. She said she had twice saved the money to do so, but then some other expense came up. Johnny and Bert didn't come up with money for a divorce either.

Then Bert became terminally ill. They were living in California, the no fault divorce state, at the time. I told Mary that while they were living in California, she should get divorced from her still husband Johnny, who could not protest in their state. In California you don't need the approval of a spouse to divorce because no one can hold you to a marriage you don't want to be in.

Since there was no real property, no homes or luxury items to sell or split up, and she could even do the paperwork for a couple hundred dollars, a simple do-it-yourself-with-the-help-of-a-paralegal kind of divorce was possible. I wanted Mary to be possibly protected by marrying Bert because he was veteran and entitled to some benefits since he'd been wounded in Iraq. I knew that it had been years since she'd been employed and had never been self supporting.

Mary and Bert headed back to their home state when the going got real rough and Bert had to be near a VA hospital. She nursed him day and night until the end, with his ex- wife there too. Then he died.

Here's where the slut part comes in.

Mary told me "Everyone grieves in their own way."

Does grieving include hooking up with a high school boyfriend the night Bert died? I don't mean going out for coffee.

Does grieving include using the Internet to meet men, long distance and local, right after she got the hair cut that the already elfin Mary called "very Audrey Hepburn?"

At first I didn't get it. I thought that Mary was just e-mailing and chatting with men from Britain, her favorite country, and a place she hopes to visit and maybe live in someday, out of loneliness. Knowing that anyone can pose to be anything on the Internet, especially when one of the men she was texting with claimed to be an Elvis Impersonator and used Elvisisms to charm her, I cautioned her not to get involved in fantacies.

I told her it was best if she met met who were more local. I cautioned her that after a few emails back and forth it's time to meet the person in person and see if there's a mutual attraction.

That's when Mary told me she had just hooked up with a man in town who kept his promise and gave her the gas money to get back home. What was worse? He had sent her a picture by e-mail of his private part first. Was she shopping private parts? How tacky! She planned to go back for seconds and thirds. I didn't think this was grieving. I thought it was manic. Mostly, I thought it was disloyal to Burt.

C 2012 Missy Rapport / Mistress Manifesto All Rights Reserved including International Rights.