HE'S MR. RIGHT BUT SEX IS TERRIBLE - SHOULD SHE KEEP HIM?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy, I think I've met Mr. Right.  I want to marry him.  He wants to marry me.   He has wonderful qualities.  He's educated, responsible, and he treats me like a lady. Trouble is sex.  We waited a long time.  Six months.  I was already in love with him.   I'm avoiding having sex with him.  I'm 29 and I've had a couple other relationships and sex was OK.  This is the worst sex. I'm beginning to think that the reason his other relationships haven't worked out is because of the sex.  I'm trying to track down one of his ex's to talk to her about it.  What do you say?

Maryanne
Cleveland

ANSWER FOM MISSY

Maryanne

Don't track down his ex and then expect her to instantly bond with you and reveal her personal sex business.  She's done with this man!  He is now your problem.

I say, you're 29 and worried that you'll never get married so you are making do with this man who is NOT Mr. Right for you. 

Sex has been called "the wild card" in relationships and I agree. 

I've asked some of my girlfriends what they think, and we all agree that sex does not get better because you get married.  If it's a problem when you're in the early stages of in love, it probably always will be.  It's always possible that this man would satisfy someone else, that it's just a basic incompatibility that no book learning or couple's workshops (sex therapy) would fix, but we think that's more for couples who had good sex for a while and then got bored.

So get this, Maryanne.

One of my friends had your situation.  She too had good sex with other men and then met Dirk.  She married Dirk and within a year they weren't having sex at all.  It was pretty awful when she figured it out.  Her husband is a repressed homosexual (old psychology terminology but useful) who is very uncomfortable, if not simply turned off, with a woman.  He wanted a wife so he'd look good to his boss at a conservative law firm and to his family.  She took a good hit to her self esteem and responded by having an affair that assured her that she was not the problem.

Another of my friends, in her twenties, dated a man in his forties and again sex was not good.  But she was very inexperienced and could only think it was her. He told her he was divorced.  He didn't tell her five times.  Each marriage was brief. She's now betting it was the sex.  One night he said something very strange to her about her fancy parts.  He made her feel defective.  This man also had a very good man friend who he talked to every day on the phone.  We're the two of them involved?  Who knows.  She says that it took her years to realize that there was nothing wrong with her fancy parts, that she is attractive, and that she was not the problem.

So BAD SEX can make a woman loose her self esteem and sticking with a MR WRONG is also bad for a woman's confidence.  Two reasons, of many, why a woman should not marry until she's had sexual experience.  (This is not to advise sleeping around or being very casual about an important, and for some sacred, experience.)

If you are actually thinking of marrying someone, then you should feel free to tell them that you are unhappy with sex.  We're all wondering if this man has any idea he's so sad in the sack! 

Look at this man as "almost right."  You want someone with his good qualities but you also want to have good sex when you are married, which we hope will be a forever marriage! 

Missy

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