Friends, as you know if you've been reading MISTRESS MANIFESTO, I have a real concern that people, women in particular, not be exploited, hurt, or abused, and that whatever relationship you're in, you're there because you want to be.
That's why I dedicated a month to the Slavic Women who are imported to the United States, sometimes through lies, and find themselves stranded and even forced into sex work, back in July of 2014. I'm sensitive to the fact that many women throughout history have found themselves as Mistresses, Courtesans, Wives, even as Prostitutes, because they had or have so little choice in life. Now it's the 21st century, it's still a man's world but our prospects are encouraging, and we must try to move forward into lives of our own choosing.
These last several weeks we've been reading around the O.J. Simpson Murder Trial, and the abuse and murder of this month's Mistress of the Month, Nicole Brown Simpson. While perhaps Nicole kept family and friends from knowing the full extent of O.J.'s abuse of her, it's difficult for me to believe that no one ever heard the things O.J. said to her, even if they didn't witness a beating. However, this book warns that sometimes the person who abuses another will only do it in secret, say in the home, or in the bedroom, while coming off as a gentleman and part of a loving couple in public.
So I got a copy of one of the most respected books on VERBAL ABUSE, which is far more common than PHYSICAL ABUSE and often leads to or is a part of the PHYSICAL ABUSE. I read it. I took notes. I thought about what I learned.
As women we need to educate ourselves and be aware.
So I have a confession to make.
This book made more aware than ever of what VERBAL ABUSE IS and as a result, I now know that the funky feelings I would get after going out on the town or having dinner with a particular PLATONIC MALE FRIEND of mine, who I think of as sometimes difficult, are in fact coming from him being verbally abusive, even though he may not raise a hand or a voice or use any derogatory terms. In recently weeks I've actually shut down, not speaking or replying at all in response to something he's said. That's because he is more subtle and "manipulative" would also be an appropriate word. I'm now in the process of letting him go out of my life and I realize that I actually have some fear about doing that directly. That's more proof that I've been verbally abused.
PATRICIA EVANS, the author of this book, is an expert.
She says verbal abuse is BUILT INTO OUR CULTURE. (I agree, and I wish women would not cooperate with being called names like HO, for instance.) That's one of the reasons people overhear it or experience it and don't know it's wrong.
You come up with excuses like, "He's just having a bad day." (And who doesn't have a bad day? Still, there are other ways to cope with stress.)
Since I can't type all my notes here, let me go to the ones that made me realize I indeed have a verbally abusive PLATONIC MALE FRIEND.
1) Sometimes when he gets mad or irritated, somehow he makes it my fault. (I picked the wrong route to get somewhere and so there is traffic. I'm just as put out by unexpected back ups on the road, but how would I know before hand?)
2) When I try to discuss my hurt feelings or an issue has not been fully resolved, he refuses to discuss it or shuts the conversation down. (He says things to me like "the past doesn't matter - live for today" which completely gets him off from acknowledging his responsibility or apologizing to me. That's called DIVERTING the conversation. It's also called BLOCKING as it establishes what can be discussed.
3) I frequently feel perplexed or frustrated by him because I can't get him to understand something. (He has used critical language to pick apart the way I speak or explain something which prevents him from ever tackling the subject.) That's called JUDGING AND CRITICIZING
4) *** He likes to take the opposite view from mine on most everything I mention. (It often involves food choices, and thus what I cook for dinner for us or where we go to eat out and what we order. I've made a list of all the weird food issues he has and have found that the very things he refuses to eat when with me he eats elsewhere without complaint. Go figure! I can't understand why if he smokes he's so concerned about poisons in food! However, I also think he likes to just go against me to have POWER AND CONTROL over the conversation, if not me.)
So read this book and evaluate your own relationships!
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