QUESTION FOR MISSY
Hi Missy,
My sister, I'll call her Linda, is over 40 years old and is a single mother. I'm divorced with one child. My sister's child's father has never been in their lives. My ex-husband has been in my child's life from the beginning. My sister worked hard to get where she is in her career, I'll say that. To stick with it she's basically foisted her child on me and especially our mom for free child care. Now her child is a discontent teenager with emotional problems, brilliant but troubled. Her child is jealous of my child and all the attention and love she has had from her dad growing up. Mom and me and even my fifteen year old try to deal with Linda's child with understanding and compassion.
For the last six years when Friday comes, a day when Linda often can take off work early, she sends her child over after school to mom's to stay the weekend. Then her boyfriend Boris comes over and they play house until they both leave for work on Monday.
Last week Linda's teenager stayed at my home for the weekend because mom went out of town. We had a talk and she told me that she hates Boris. She said that Boris never ever takes her mother out. That he is embarrassed by her.
Linda is obese. She's a yo-yo dieter and emotional eater who has gained and lost a hundred pounds several times. She is also pretty, wears beautiful clothes, has her hair and nails done frequently, and is finally earning enough money to buy a house. I think she should move into the house and leave Boris behind.
Linda's daughter says that even though he has a Master's degree and a good job too, he lives with his mother and says he is never getting married to anyone.
I said, "Are you saying that in the last six years, he has never taken your mom out in public?"
The answer was yes, after the first couple months, when Linda was thin.
"They cook, they eat, they have sex, they watch films, they have more sex." Imagine that coming from a fourteen year old!
I love my sister. I've never agreed with how she was raising her child. I felt it was especially unfair to our mom, though I know mom is not saying so. Should Linda dump Boris, because I think she should.
Marissa
Chicago
ANSWER FROM MISSY
Well, Marissa, you know it's YOU and not Linda asking me for advice, right?
This situation has been going on and on and on and probably will, until your sister is made to face her responsibility as a mother. Your mom needs to call it quits on the free child care. Linda and her daughter need to repair their relationship and may need therapy, especially because the child has one half a parent. Not everyone should marry, but if Linda wants to be, I doubt this is the man.
It sounds like she and Boris are both immature and it's their parents - the moms - who are first and foremost responsible for that. Despite popular opinion parenthood isn't supposed to be forever. A parent needs to prioritize their child until they are launched, which in my opinion should be around the age of 18 - 21. But I get you. You care.
I think if Linda were asking me, should she dump Boris, I'd say he sounds like a monumental waste of time, but that she should tell him he can no longer come over every weekend. Twice a month is all. The other weekends should be just Linda and her daughter spending quality time.
They are not spending equal time at his place because he has none and his mom lives there. I wonder if he ever brings groceries over or pays for take out? What's he doing with his Master's degree and the money he makes at his job? Does he ever buy Linda special presents? Has she ever met his mother or been over there? If he is ashamed of her, because if that's it, then he's especially taking advantage. By now he knows just how little he has to do to keep her in his life.
I like privacy, but this man might be someone who has a secret that Linda wouldn't want to know about. Maybe he's married. Maybe he has children out there too. I don't normally like this idea, but I think as a sister you have the right to hire the Private Investigator that Linda will not. Check him out. If he isn't a garden-variety user, if there's something especially important to tell Linda, tell her. Otherwise, it might turn out he's a good guy with some foibles and it might even ease your mind.
Let me know what happens next!
Missy
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