ONE YEAR TO MARRIAGE? OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

My parents tell me that it's not a good idea to date someone for more than a year. That by then you should marry them or give it up.  They're a little vague about WHY.  What's your opinion?

David
New York

ANSWER FROM MISSY


Dear David,

I heard something like that too. I think it had to do with the idea that one could not hold back their sexual desire much longer back in the day when celibacy was expected until marriage. Plenty of people have married without knowing each other as long as a year and been successful with it.  A year (or any amount of time) can also seem rather arbitrary.  So what I think is that dating is a process of getting to know other people - AND YOURSELF.  And the more dating you do, one could say the older you get, it's more likely that you're going to know if someone is for you or not more quickly.  (But don't skip over the getting-to-know-you step!) We all know the odd couples who get along famously even though they would never have been "matches" in an on-line dating club. Blame chemistry.

Another thing to consider is GOAL ORIENTATION. Some people are real good at coming up with a goal such as wishing to be married within a year and they go about dating as if they were interviewing and have a strategy.  While others take what life offers them without so much work.

If you meet someone you know you want to marry but they need to do something first, such as finish their college year or find a decent job, I'd say it's worth a wait. If it goes on and on without marriage, and it's not clear that you want to marry the person, but you think of dating as finding a partner rather than having some fun, you must decide if this is worth it to you or if the energy has gone out of the quest.

Missy