SHOULD SHE MOVE TO A NEW TOWN NOW THAT HER RELATIONSHIP IS OVER?

QUESTION

Dear Missy,

I became the Mistress of a much older man in Florida and he has died.  I think we had a wonderful relationship except that I wanted to be married.  He said he wouldn't marry me while his wife was alive and he said that she knew about our relationship and was Ok with it as long as he didn't divorce her and shame her after over 40 years of marriage.  So we had this understanding.  I even thought that she knew that if she died he would need someone like me to be with him until he died.  He also provided for me in his lifetime so I never contested the will.

Well, since he died she's really angry.  It's like she's blaming me for his death but the truth is I took good care of him and made his last years happy and she did not.  I'm sure he loved her much of his life but they fell out of love too.  It's like she's taking out her anger at him on me. She's mouthed off and gossiped about me and caused me so much heartache and trouble, that I feel like all that's left for me is to leave town.

Should I give up my life in Florida or stick it out a while longer and hope things go back to normal?

Cynthia

ANSWER

Hi Cynthia,

If only I were psychic!
 
I think you can stay in Florida, or any city about as large as the one you're in, so long as you move into a new social group(s)where people can get to know you, and will give getting to know you a chance, rather than where people rely on gossip.  And Cynthia, we all know that some people live for gossip, live to be the one with the latest "news" even if they make it all up.  I think you're right that she's taking her anger at him out on you.  

It's also important that you be ready for a brief but self-defending statement should someone confront you or should you feel the need to reveal this part of  your past.

Something like, "I loved a man who loved me too. He'd been married too long to go through a divorce."

A lot of people understand this, even if they don't admit they understand it.

May I suggest that you do some volunteer work somewhere her crowd isn't?

Remember you don't owe anyone your life story.  So if your statement causes people to question you, just say, "Right now I'm grieving.  Maybe someday we can talk more about it."

Missy