Missy,
I'm closer to 40 than 30 and have been involved with my MM for several years. I want a child, which I feel would make my life complete. I'm OK not married and have never put any pressure on him to get free to be with only me. This may not be easy for a lot of people to understand, but I can't imagine having a typical married life. I can imagine loving the same person for life, but not actually spending every evening with them watching the TV and all that. I inherited a house from my parents to live in and my own income allows to me keep up with the taxes and live in it without wasting money on rent or trying to come up with a down payment. I'm really lucky. My MM does make my life easier financially, but if he went broke or couldn't do that for me anymore, I'd still love him and I still think I could make it. I'm ready to have a child and I want it to be his. He's reluctant. Should I accidently get pregnant on purpose and see if he get's into it?
Any advice?
Sandra
Little Rock
Sandra,
You want to know if you should be dishonest with a man you love to get what you want and can afford without his help. You want to get pregnant, risk loosing him, to fulfill your life? OK, I'm being hard on you, after all, maybe 50- 60 years ago, before there were so many options for contraception and legal abortion, lots of women counted on a man marrying them if they got pregnant, and you don't really want to get married or live together and get into the doldrums of ordinary life. So...
Being dishonest with anyone about such a huge life-long undertaking as having a child is not respectful of them or their life or the life of the child. I give you credit for at least having brought the subject up with MM. He knows what you want and you know what he doesn't want, and you are in the "thinking about it stage" without having actually done it.
Think! You are considering being a SINGLE MOTHER, with visits from a man who you don't care about living with or marrying. That may be the situation a whole lot of women are in right now, including lots who did get married, have a child, and got divorced.
You feel your acceptance of his situation and your lack of dependence on his income proves you can and will love him for life, "as is," with having being a child your only, not demand, but maybe requirement. You believe you can make it financially without his contribution while supporting a child. This could be true, depending on the work you do, your education and potential.
My gut feeling on this Sandra is that you should consider having a baby with an unknown person called a sperm donor. I'm serious. When a self supporting woman wants a child and does not have a good willing candidate to be its father, and she is getting older and doesn't want to wait much longer to have a child, she has that option. Look up sperm banks, talk to their people, ask them if you could talk to any of their successful clients about their experiences. Are they happy they begot a child this way? Once you are SURE you could have your baby this way, talk to MM.
"MM, I love you, I feel I will love you all my life, no matter what. I've been considering having a baby by sperm donation. As you know, I would rather you be my child's father but I don't want to do that without your cooperation. When I think about my life, things are so good, I'm lucky, but I think life would be even more wonderful - complete - if I had a child. I wonder, will you still want me if I have a child this other way?"
Don't push for any instant answers. Just ask him to consider it and let you know what he thinks. He may surprise you and decide that yes, he wants to be your sperm donor! Or be more cooperative and involved in a child's life for the rest of its life with you...
Missy
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