SHOULD SHE TURN TO WOMEN SINCE MEN HAVE BEEN SO MEAN TO HER? MISSY ANSWERS!

SHOULD SHE TURN TO WOMEN SINCE MEN HAVE BEEN SO MEAN TO HER?

Dear Missy,

I'm near 40 years old and have been celibate for over a year. In this year I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships with men and I'm so turned off!  For some reason men are mean to me.  I'm a nice person.  I think that and my girlfriends say that and my mother does too.  Why are men so mean?   I've never been married so I have no children.   At my age I see I probably never will.  The last time I had sex with someone that I waited about six months to have sex with it was bad.  I can't even have a fantasy about sex with another man so I'm wondering if I'm gay.  What do you think?  Should I start dating other women?

Nancy
New Rochelle

Missy Answers:

Nancy, it sound like you need TIME OUT.

If you are not having fantasies about having sex with other women you probably aren't gay, just tired and disgusted with men.  I suppose you could go out to wherever lesbians can be found in your area to meet each other and be experimental but I think you should be honest and tell any lesbian woman who is interested in you that you're simply questioning rather than sure. 

I have no idea why you have a collection of mean men in your past.

I was trying to relate your question to one of my women friends who is also a very nice person and has had one stinker after another since high-school including two mean husbands. 

PERHAPS IT IS LIKE THIS.  You have to be able to realize it when someone is being just a little bit mean to you and not let them get away with it.  Allowing it, pretending it isn't so, because you don't want a confrontation, want to make nice, or are too forgiving, probably encourages them to get away with more meanness.  I have a theory that while we women are raised to be "nice" we are also afraid to END A RELATIONSHIP that is no good.  You are probably so nice that people think everything is always OK with you without asking.  You might give the impression that you are happy to just go along for the ride or have no needs.  Maybe it's more that you're PASSIVE than nice.  Just a few thoughts here about meanness because I think the real question is about sexuality.

Some women are always bi-sexual, some women do choose to be lesbian at some point in their life, even after marriage and children with a man.  Women who've been raped often express having no desire for sex with men for some time after that experience.  A bad relationship can effect desire.  If you persist with no sexual interest at all you might want to get some medical tests to see if what's happening is hormonal, related to blood sugar, or some other condition like depression. 

Basically I think you need to HEAL!  Give yourself time and lots of love!

Missy