IS SHE TOO SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS BROMANCE? : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy,

I'm an attractive woman but my boyfriend is an exceptionally attractive man. He even modeled for a while. He is perfect in every way. Over the last year or so,  before Covid, we would go out to restaurants and theater here in New York City,  which we both enjoy. I realized that a lot of the men who come up to us to say hello are gay. What worries me is his bromance with one particular man. I read around this and bromances are when two men bond as brothers of different mothers, something like that.

He and Dirk talk on the phone every day. They have known each other for years. So I'm the newer person in this triangle. Even when Teddy goes on vacations or out of town on business they talk on the phone every day. Sometimes when we are out dining, Teddy calls and Dirk talks to him in front of me at the table. I protested and Teddy tells me I'm too sensitive about all this.  

I'm worried that Teddy is not being honest with me about his sexuality and that there is more going on with Dirk.

What would you do?

Helena

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hello Helena,

I have always believed in and had platonic friendships, some of quite long duration, and I'm sure people can have friendships that are not sexual and that do not interfere with their primary relationship(s).

I'm also big on trusting your instincts though I know I have talked myself out of what I "knew" in the past.

So let's look at this without looking at the possibility that Teddy and Dirk are lovers.

It is rude for anyone to be taking calls while out dining with anyone. You should expect Teddy's full attention while dining out. Sure, if people come over to say hello or you invite them to have a dinner with you, that's different. That is about socializing, about etiquette. Some people think they're impressing you about how important they are by making and taking calls while dining.  They are mostly impressed with themselves. So tell him you dislike it when he takes and makes calls while dining out because you look forward to these dinners as time for just the two of you.

I also suspect that Teddy is emotionally involved with Dirk.  It's one thing to admire and be mutually supportive of a friend or a family member and another to prioritize over a woman you're really interested in. So I feel that be it Dirk or a lack of interest in you or just plain rudeness, Teddy just might be that fish that needs to be let off hook and thrown back into the sea.

It's just not safe for us, for our health, to be sexual with someone who may also be sexual with others, so many women today request tests for SDI's just in case, each and every time they have their check ups. You should do this.  You might be able to get a conversation started with Teddy about sexuality by mentioning to him that you are doing this and ask him how often he gets tested. You don't say how your sex life is.  Is he pleasing you? Is he with you in that moment? If not, let him go. 

Remember it's not easy to be available when you yourself are all tied up.

Missy