Missy, Several years ago my daughter "Holly" gave up her college education to follow a retired man to Florida. She lives with "Sherman" as an unofficial wife and as his caregiver as he ages. No marriage. He promises her she'll have the house. Where are the papers? Meanwhile a friend of mine, "Liz," gave up her job at the age of 60 to spend more time with "Joe," who had her move in with him. No marriage. Joe died and didn't take care of her in his will. His adult children put her out and seized the car. She still loves Joe but is now stuck in an apartment in the ghetto and on the bus, doing odd jobs. I don't want to hurt her by pointing out that Joe ruined her career, cut her contributions to Social Security, and didn't love her enough to protect her so she'd have a good old age. I've used Liz as an example to Holly, begging her to get Sherman to do what he needs to do legally. Missy, why are you against marriage? It's the only legal protection a woman has with a man!
Judy
California
ANSWER FROM MISSY
I'm not against marriage, Judy. I'm not for marriage. I'm for choice.
Sadly it seems marriage is the ONLY legal protection a person has in a romantic partnership but I understand the tradition.
In an ideal world, everyone would be loved. All jobs would pay livable wages. Everyone would have access to excellent health care. People would meet their soul mates early and never suffer dating or divorce. Heartbreak and poverty wouldn't exist.
As things are, traditional marriage isn't always enviable, and sometimes it isn't even a possibility.
Your daughter Holly is not of your generation or that of Liz's and she may have different ideals than you about relationships. I sense in both cases the woman's priority is to love and be loved as the ultimate life experience. In a greedy, materialistic, and narcissistic world, these woman may seem to be old fashioned or out of it to not prioritize themselves.
Throughout this blog are examples of people who have sacrificed for love as well as women who seem to have hearts turned to stone, people whose lives could have gone into other directions and those whose choices were few or nonexistent, lots of lives to try on, consider, and compare yours with yours.
I ask my readers, who do YOU suppose so very many people are or were involved with someone who cannot or will not marry them?
The truth is that for every person I profile here, as a Mistress of the Month (or Mantress of the Month), there are likely hundreds who are more quietly, privately, or secretly living the same way. The people I write about are mostly known because they lived public lives or have become known well enough to be included in biographies and memoirs. I suspect that marriage is not what people expect it to be and our longer lifespans are especially challenging the idea that we can be compatible with another person for a life time.
You didn't ask me what you should do to prevent your daughter from loving her man, who may not take care of her any better than Liz's Joe. Since she's got a concerned mom who has already warned her, let her live her life. Don't live to say, "I told you so." I can think of mothers who have pushed or allowed their daughter to date and marry much older men because those men were famous or wealthy. Is that healthy? Your daughter probably has many more years ahead of her to complete an education, earn her own money, or marry someone else.
As for your friend, her situation is all too common. Older women often encounter men who do not want to remarry because they are angry about the financial settlements of prior marriages. Women who have lots of money are also refusing to marry again in order to preserve their settlement. So people talk about having a "companion," and that companionship often includes sex, without concerns about pregnancy and having to start or afford a family.
Missy
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