Sunday, November 16, 2014



Hi Missy,

Over a decade ago I almost had an affair with a not yet totally divorced man.  He spent near no time talking about his ex-wife to be and he admitted he wasn't 100% sure which way it would go. I thought he was trying to be as honorable as can be and honest.

I was crazy about him and I struggled to keep things closer to friendship than an affair.  He was living separate of her and traveling without her quite a bit.  The children were in college.  He said they had been united in raising the children.  They were rich enough to send the children to all private schools.  The children had left home and were adults.  I knew they all got together for family occasions and also took vacations as a family but I ended all contact with him when he admitted he was going on a vacation with only her.  I was so sure that after all those years together they owed each other a second chance but I was secretly devastated.  My girlfriends told me I had to hold out to be number one in a man's life.

There were a few things he said over many months time though that gave me a certain impression of her.  Controlling for sure.  Always had to have her own way.  Greedy and materialistic.   He wanted to quit a job he hated and that's when she got them in more debt.  And until then no career of her own. He seemed under appreciated.

So the other day I was waiting for the carpet cleaner and bored.  I decided to check him out on the Internet where I learned yes they were now divorced.  The divorce must have come through about a year or so after I ended it with him.  The shock was that about that time she had also graduated from a school and is now "a well regarded practicing psychotherapist" who has written a hot sex novel.  (He never said "My wife is in college right now as we plan to uncouple.")  There was a picture of her wearing a sexy Cougar skin dress!  I can't say that I'd ever imagined what she looked like, but I had once seen him out with a different woman, and so I always thought that woman was his wife.  Not!

I read an excerpt of the novel and some reviews.  It was about a woman who was traveling in Europe and had an affair with a man half her age.  It sounded like it could be autobiographical. In the non-fiction bio she mentioned a dedication to ALL her EX HUSBANDS and EX BOYFRIENDS.  (How many has she had since she got a divorce and went wild?  He was her first marriage and in youth!)  I'm not in this woman's league and don't want to be.  That was why he was charmed with me.

I'm sorry I cancelled him from my life, even though I still think they clearly weren't done with each other at that point.  I have missed him. I'm wondering if I should try to get in touch with him.

Call me Judy in Los Angeles



Judy, it seems to me that most of the time when an almost affair ends all has been said and done.  For all you know he may have had a woman in every coffee house on Ventura Blvd in the Valley.  When he told you he was going to Europe, maybe he was actually in town and at that Jeri's deli where all the Israelis hang out!  Was there any reason why he could not get in touch with you if he wanted to?  For instance did you change your phone number or move?  I think men who are motivated will make some effort.  I don't mean stalking or hiring a private eye, but an effort.

If he could have just picked up the phone or sent you a card after his divorce, let it be.  If you made it impossible for him to find you and his address is on the Internet send a simple card.  Not a torrid poem.  Not a long letter.  Not something illustrated with roses or hearts.  Write "Was thinking of you the other day" and your home phone number.  Then, don't wait for the phone to ring.

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