HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

POP THAT CORK

 

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME : BOZ SCAGGS

So romantic!

NO TWO ARE ALIKE

 

HAVE YOU FOUND INSPIRATION IN ANY OF THE WOMEN OR MEN I'VE COVERED IN MISTRESS MANIFESTO?

I often wonder if anyone has read my blog and found themselves inspired by any of the women or men I've covered - so many over the years - see PAGES for the monthly topics!

Leave a comment!  Tell me WHO and WHY!

Missy

SO GENEROUS

There are five boxes here.  Imagine what gift you would want in each box. The gifts don't have to be from one person.  These might be gifts you would give someone else...  The gifts do not have to be material objects.  These five things could be the characteristics you most want to have yourself, or the characteristics you most want from a partner in life...  Use your imagination! What is most important to you?

SANTA BABY : ARIANA GRANDE

The ultimate traditional Sugar Baby song, done with a new twist by Ariana Grande. 

When I first started this blog, I had the notion that all Kept Women were Sugar Babies.  I didn't know the variety.  All these years later, here  is where you can explore the archives.  Maybe you'll recognize yourself.  Or decide an alternative lifestyle is not all for you. 

THE OWNER OF SEEKING ARRANGEMENTS FOUND HIS OWN LOVE ON THE SITE and HIS ENTIRE ATTITUDE ABOUT LOVE CHANGED

He says the old Seeking Arrangements (Sugar Daddy - Sugar Baby web site got turned into Seekers for those who want to "date up."  I don't promote any dating sites on Mistress Manifesto here, but after listening to this video I was just amazed at the changes in this man's viewpoint about love. He didn't believe in love and was thrice divorced and he thought relationships with women was all about having money but what a change!  He and his much younger wife is going into a "no divorce" marriage.

Because of commercials I'm only providing the link rather than embedding...

9:11 / 9:11 • The rebrand 'Original Sugar Daddy' Who Said Love Was 'Invented By Poor People' Finds Love With 21 Year Old | TM  Posted about a year ago by TM  which is  This Morning, a morning television show broadcast in England.

Brandon Wade married Dana Rosewall in June 2022 and then stepped down as CEO...

Here's one of several articles that appeared on the Internet about this couple:

MIRROR - 51 YEAR OLD MILLIONAIRE MARRIED 21 YEAR OLD ECON STUDENT - NO PRENUP

SHE WAS A SUGAR BABY and NOW SHE'S BACK TO JUST DATING : WHAT'S IT LIKE?

This article was in Refinery and is by Arese Sylvester.  She offers advice on how to play it safe and find the right Sugar Daddy for you.

REFINERY : DATING AFTER BEING A SUGAR BABY

Excerpts:  Dr.Milo Gudelski, licensed psychologist and sex therapist, explains that some sugar babies struggle with recognizing sugar dating as a business and separating it from their personal lives.  When the two get mixed up, expectations may become unreasonable, selfish and problematic. "I have seen this happen where sugar babies get accustomed to receiving gifts simply for showing up.  It is easy for folks to loose themselves in this mindset and when this happens, the ability to form deeper connections in relationship is stunted." ....

The key to sugar dating is protecting your emotions so you can really finesse and get to the bag," says Dash Preistley, dating coach and former sugar baby.  Priestley, who grew up an unaffectionate person, says that sugar dating exacerbated this and emotionally desensitized her.  "I like to think of being a sugar baby as playing a character and you have to turn off this character when you're pursuing something more long term.  Sometimes, you can't really turn it all the way off though."  Another speed bump in the life after sugar dating is met when sugar babies become accustomed to choosing romantic partners for the wrong reasons.  In regular relationships, security is related to several components like shared goals, common values, emotional and intellectual compatibility...

Missy here!

I personally cannot control my emotions to shut them on or off.  I think not feeling, resisting, or devaluing emotions is not healthy.  Also, I have to tell you that I have never used any dating sites.  I think it's best to meet people in person.  I also don't know anyone who found a Sugar Daddy or Sugar Mamma using a dating site.  The people I've known who had arrangements met organically and were not hard-core with demands or making arrangements.

Sometimes a woman doesn't think of herself as as Sugar Mamma, just someone who is doing well enough to be generous to a man.  The arrangements I've heard of where that the women did have some expectation that the man would eventually catch up with them financially, because the arrangements that he live with them without contributing or always being on the receiving end eventually did result in them asking the man to move out or a break up.  It seems to me that men still have every advantage when it comes to networking, education, and job opps - some more than others - depending on the work they're in. 

If you're considering an arrangement, check in with yourself and be clear about what you expect.  Be open to some renegotiation.

TWO SUGARS FOR TEA

 

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BECOME A SUGAR BABY?

Let's explore Sugar Relationships!   Elena used a website called Seeking in order to find the right Sugar Daddy.  *Seeking is the new name for Seeking Arrangements.

MEDIUM - ELENA BATEMAN : I BECAME A SUGAR BABY FOR A WEEK

Excerpts: "Now, if you don’t know what a sugar baby is: let me explain. A sugar baby is someone, usually a younger person, that enters into a consensual and adult arrangement with an older person. This older person, typically a man (a sugar daddy), is incredibly wealthy and provides financial aid to said sugar baby in return for companionship. For example, a sugar daddy may give a monthly ‘allowance’, they may pay for rent. Sometimes there may be sexual elements to these arrangements, and sometimes there are not, but these arrangements are very clear to never advertise sex as a condition for financial reward. ...

I had to submit my passport to prove that the images were mine and after a few days, my pictures were approved. It did make me curious as to if similar image and identity verification checks are done on the sugar daddy side of the site. Do they have to prove their income? After all, if sugar babies have to be verified as authentic — shouldn’t the income and identity of the people they’re matching with be too? ...

For a basic sugar daddy profile on the site, there is no verification of income — you can make a profile and input the most ludicrous income possible with no issues. This not only encourages a huge amount of counterfeit ‘rich’ people on the site but potentially puts the sugar babies at risk of being scammed or harmed by people looking to exploit them. ..."

Three weeks into the experience here are the offers Elena got.  (I want you to ask yourself if this is different, and how, than escorting.)

1) For every dinner date that I and this gentleman went on, he was going to give me 300 pounds, including dinner at any restaurant I wanted.

2) A long term arrangement, that would give me 900 pounds as an allowance each month in return for 2 or 3 meet-ups for dinner dates.

3) A man offered to pay my rent (500 pounds) for several meet-ups a month.

4) Another offered to help with university tuition (which the government is currently hooking me up with but the idea of no student loan debt was looking very juicy at this moment.) He didn't say how many meet-ups he would like for this, ut it was to be a long-term arrangement.

5) One man even offered me to come and stay on a weekend away with him whilst he was working away from his home country. Return flights and stay in a five- star hotel for the whole weekend.  He would pay for absolutely everything, as well as give me 1000 pounds spending money for the weekend.

****

Missy here.... 

My take on this is that it sounds like these men were making their offers or revealing the financial investment they were willing to make without actually meeting her or getting to know if they were companionable first.  If you are a man who wants to be a Sugar Daddy, I strongly suggest that you do meet and spend some time with the woman first before mentioning the financial help or gifts you wish to give a Sugar Baby, especially if you imagine a long-term arrangement.

PEPPERMINT

 

I'M BEGINNING TO SEE THE LIGHT : DORIS DAY

SUGAR BABY? SUGAR DADDY? : PLAYING IN THE FANTASY

Some people think being a Kept Person is all about being spoiled. Some people assume Mistresses are all poor women who have luxury conferred upon them by rich men. It is not always so. There are many ways to love and many ways to have an alternative relationship.  Sometimes there is no extra money at all. This blog explores the many ways. But I think the financial aspects of alternative relationships is something that goes less commented upon, even when we find examples in the memoirs, biographies, and other non-fiction books that I excerpt from.

Some of you, my readers, may have already had the experience of being a Sugar Baby, or a Sugar Mamma or Daddy. But others only think about or hope for a relationship in which the other person is generous. Where the other person has more than you do to share financially.  Where the other person is going to make your life a bit easier. Where you feel no guilt or a sense that you have to pay them back because they truly want to do this for you and can -no sweat!

When is the last time you were invited out to a restaurant and did not feel you had to pitch in - at least for the tip? Or buy the dessert?  How did you feel about it when someone else chose the restaurant and you found out that they did not want to treat you, but wanted you to split the bill?  Do you feel comfortable with accepting an expensive gift?

Let's play in that fantasy!

Missy

 

COMING UP: PLAYING IN A FANTASY...

There is no better month than December to play in this fantasy... 

Not limited to women, though in real life it's usually women who lean into it...

See you December 2nd for a Special Edition of Mistress Manifesto!

ARCHIVES - SEARCH - LABELS - OTHER FINDING FEATURES : HOW TO USE THEM

It's come to my attention that not everyone who lands on this blog knows how to use archives, or how to even get to the most current posts.

If you look to the sidebar you will see that the archives are arranged by year and then month going back in time. If you click on these, it will bring up past posts. The archive goes back many years. You can click to sample, or click to start reading that month that interests you.

The blog is published so that the topic for the month comes up on the 2nd or 3rd of the month, and the entire month continues the exploration of that subject. Sometimes more than one book is reviewed or referenced so reading the entire month can give you more good information.

There is also a search feature. If you type the name of someone I've included here at Mistress Manifesto, such as Roxelana, and click to search, it will bring up all the posts with name or subject. 

You can also search for a subject, such as Love and The Rich, using labels. Labels appear under the posts so that you can sort through the entire blog to bring up all posts with the same label. You can go to a post that is about Monica Lewinsky, click on the label that has her name, and it will bring up posts from various dates that include her. 

Thanks for reading!

Missy

LILLIES

 

PAMELA DES BARRES A LONG TIME GOOD FRIEND OF CASSANDRA PETERSON's

 PAMELA DES BARRES : A  WELL KNOWN MUSICAL MUSE BUT A MISTRESS NOT!

From my archives: First posted on Oct 8, 2016

Pamela DesBarres, born Pamela Miller, once upon a time Queen of the (Los Angeles) Groupies, is now a successful author based on a number of books she's published such as "I'm With The Band," and "Let's Spend The Night Together," and "Take Another Piece Of My Heart."  These books recount her adventures as a Groupie, and then as a woman (eventually) married to a British rock star, Michael Des Barres, as well as the mother of a brilliant child, who goes through a divorce. Her writing is always explicit, exciting, and heart-full. I've read every one of her books over the years.

She looks just like you or me in her high school yearbook picture, but she had a different World View, and the clubs on the Sunset Strip were not so far from her family home in a working class suburb of The San Fernando Valley.

When it comes to Groupies, she was one with a Heart of Gold. 

Friends of mine think Pamela is way too "talkie" to be a good Mistress! Men might be scared off because they could end up in her book, if she wants to write about them! Does she have to name names?   (Yes, she really does!)

Another reason friends think so is that Pamela, and other groupies, seem to be so not materialism that they're practically sacrificial. Pamela's had lots of adventures but she's wasn't materialistic enough; she stood by her husband when they were low income, living with friends, between jobs, even took dumb jobs. She was just too self sacrificing, they say, but then again, I say, she's managed to make her own way in life. One snotty person said, "She has even made herself into a 'cottage industry'!"" (We could say that about Angelyn!)  If she were a man they'd say that she is a ROCK AND ROLL HISTORIAN!

Pamela now not only writes books but teaches writing workshops - Los Angeles - Vegas - Chicago - New York - gives rock and roll tours around the Sunset Strip area of Hollywood, and well... here is her site, with lots of sexy and fun pictures! 

 PAMELADESBARRES.COM

He tackles the term Groupies, saying these girls were a force of nature...

FROM the YOUTUBE Presenter of this Video:

MICHAEL DES BARRES (PAMELA's EX HUSBAND and the FATHER OF THEIR CHILD) LOVES HER WRITING
 
"Michael Des Barres is the host of Little Steven's Underground Garage on SiriusXM Radio, Channel 21 every weekday morning at 8am ET and again at Midnight ET. He has appeared in countless feature films and television shows and sold seven million albums as a writer and artist. A working musician for five decades, he has performed around the world from backroom bars to Live Aid. Michael’s enduring love of Delta blues and the rock and soul of the mid-60s beat boom is exemplified by his days as front man for such seminal bands as Silverhead, Chequered Past, Power Station and Detective, a band personally signed by Jimmy Page to Swan Song Records."


(SORRY A VIDEO I POSTED HAS BEEN WITHDRAWN FROM PUBLIC USE!)

From www.digitalfilmtree.com

“Documators” Created by Ramy Katrib and Evan York
Award winning documentary and animation producers, Evan York and Ramy Katrib, bring to life…”Documators” A series of short, animated documentaries mixed with Live Action footage. We report on what’s trending, cutting edge News worthy stories."

*****

Missy here:  I devoted October 2016 to Groupies...

HELLO!

 

TAKE FIVE : DAVE BRUBECK

CASSANDRA PETERSON ON BLESSINGS

"Every day of my young life, when I looked in the mirror,all I could see were my scars, and I felt like the ugly little girl my mother said I was. I've truly come to believe that had it not been for my childhood accident, I would have never grown into the woman who embraces the strange, the weird, the bizarre. I would never have become The Queen of Halloween.

We all have our own scars.  Let them be a blessing and not a curse."

Cassandra Peterson (Elvira)

from the very end of her book Yours Cruelly, Elvira

I listened to this book as an audio e-book and read it as an e-book

THANKFULNESS

 

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE HORRIBLE DATES - THOSE BAD MEN - WHO ARE MARRIED NOW TO SOMEONE? : QUESTIONS FOR MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Missy,

I've reached the point in my life where I'm looking back at my dating history, thinking about some men I went out with once or twice or three times who were jerks, men I slept with who were real bad in the sack, and men who broke my heart too.  I swore off dating over a decade ago and am not sorry!  But, using the internet, I looked some of them up, and they were all married.  I can't help but wonder if these men got nicer, or better, or if these women are putting up with the same men I could not stand or had to jettison or who jettisoned me! It feels weird.

Becky

Chicago

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Becky, we have probably all had bad experiences with men, which is why when I get the time I work on the book I'm writing full of advice...  And the age-old advice is that we have to "settle" but then the age-old advice was that everyone had to be married and stay married - to just one person - too.

My feeling is that you need more in your life so that you can live in the present or look forwards to whatever plans you might have envisioned for yourself - travel perhaps? For what can you LEARN from these men as they were back in the day NOW?  Whatever happened in their lives since you knew them, it has nothing to do with you NOW!  Unless you are harboring the pain you experienced knowing them.  Try Becky, try to get over it and move on. 

Missy

IN PRAISE OF DIFFICULT WOMEN by KAREN KARBO : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW / HELEN GURLEY BROWN

 Subtitled Life Lessons From 29 Heroines Who Dared to Break the Rules.

 Mistress Manifesto Book Review:

The 29 Women given attention in this book are the favorites of author Karen Karbo so the list might not be what you'd come up with. What I found interesting was that a couple of the women she calls "Difficult" have been featured here at Mistress Manifesto. Personality wise I don't think all the women she lists and profiles were Difficult, for some of them surely must have been Charming, rather most of these women persevered through difficult times because perhaps in some cases they were trail blazers, doing what used to be called "man's work," or managing to make it in life despite starting out with disadvantages, or noteworthy because they stood for something. Others are simply fascinating or original or gained fame: Josephine Baker, the Black American exotic danger who became all the rage in Paris in the 1920's or Edie Sedgwick, artist Andy Warhol's muse for a year who made 18 films with him, and was an "It" girl, but also a drug addled eccentric who went through a fortune and died of an overdose. I find both Josephine and Edie interesting.

The women who were elected to both author Karne Karbo's panthenon as well as mine, are

CoCo Chanel and Helen Gurley Brown.  I'm also interested in Diana Vreeland and Martha Gellhorn but Martha is one woman I have yet to cover, though her relationship with writer Earnest Hemingway would qualify her as a Mistress of the the Month.

The profiles admit the foibles.  

I've done a lot on CoCo Channel here but not much on Helen Gurley Brown. So to retell her story :

At around forty, Helen was newly married for the first time, had just recently spent a fortune after scrimping and saving for years, on a used luxury car, and was the highest paid woman copy writer in the business.  Her husband, David Brown, who had been in the literary world and became a film producer, suggested she write Sex and the Single Girl. In 1962 it sold two million copies in three weeks and was considered controversial.  (Even if stats said otherwise, people were supposed to wait until married to have sex.)  In it, she suggested the book was supposed to be for women who, like her, did not come from having advantage. It was full of advice.

Helen Gurley Brown's book did get some bad reviews.

She was one of the first authors to go on a book tour and visited 28 cities in 13 weeks. Radio - Television - she got hate as well as fame and the movie rights were purchased by Warner Brothers.

However, besides working hard for years, it was her husband's connections that got her attention when it came to taking over the editorship of Cosmopolitan magazine.

"Helen was 43 when she took over as editor in chief. Her magazine experience was limited to reading them.  She might as well have been entering an operating theater to perform an appendectomy.  Every person on her staff had more experience than she did, including her own secretary.  She had no idea how to manage people, oversee editorial budgets, and translate her vision into magazine-ese. " (Page 145)

"To whatever degree she felt truly terrified or insecure, Helen never abandoned the central organizing principles of her life; to trust her gut and work harder than everyone else. Her gut said, If I care deeply about men, sex, love, money, and looking hot at all times, other women will too. Her premise was simple and answered the hoary old Freudian question" What do women want?" (page 145-146)

So, I do think this is a good book, and because each chapter features a mini bio of a woman, you can always skip the ones you are not drawn to read.  You might, however, discover there is someone you want to know a whole lot more about!

C 2023 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

Book Review  All Rights reserved including Internet and International Rights

You can bring up past posts that mention Helen Gurley Brown using the search feature embedded in this blog.  She wrote more than one book, beginning with Sex And The Single Girl, which at the time it was published in the 1960s was considered outrageous. 

CASSANDRA PETERSON ON THE SEXUAL ASSAULT SHE EXPERIENCED BY A CELEBRITY BASKETBALL SPORTS FIGURE

In perhaps the most horrific passage in her book, 'Yours Cuelly, Elvira' is the sexual assault that Cassandra experienced. To comply with the Google requirements for no sexual explicity, I have not changed any words below, but I have stopped at the ...

Excerpt:

"The other episode involved my friend "Unce Wilty' who I'd run into once or twice at the Playboy mansion since moving back to L.A.

In Las Vegas, whenever Wilt was in town, he and Sunny frequently slept over at the house I shared with her and our other roommates, and spent a lot of time hanging around the pool.  I got to know him and liked him a lot. He was flirty, although always respectful, but he did have a big ego to go along with his big body and big career. He was smart, interesting, and funny, and damn was he big. He towered over us at seven-one. We took a picture together by our pool one time and in it I look like a munchkin, only coming up a little above his waist. It was crazy how big he was - not just tall like his friend Lou Alcinder (aka Kareem Abdul-Jabber) who I'd met with him on a couple occasions, but huge, weighing in at 300 pounds. My entire outstretched hand just fit into his palm.

Wilt had always flirted and kidded around with me, but he was never pushy or rude. He was rich, good looking, and famous, so he had girls coming out of the woodwork. He hardly needed to force himself on anyone like me. I was somehow always able to deflect his advances by joking around, and he'd always laugh and slough it off. I'd known him for so long, I trusted him and felt comfortable around him.  ...

The third time I went to his house for a party, my friend bailed on me at the last minute, so I went alone. An hour or so into the party, he asked if I had seen the closet he'd built for his basketball jerseys from the various teams he'd played with over the years. As I shook my head no, he led me through his bedroom and into his closet, which was roughly the size of my single apartment.  I stood marveling at the rows of size fifteen shoes while he pulled jerseys off the rack  - the Philadelphia Warriors,  the Harlem Globetrotters, the L.A. Lakers - and laid them out on the center island for me to see.  "Wow!", I gasped, trying to look impressed even though I didn't know a thing about basketball. Suddenly, with no warning, he grabbed me from behind, gripped my neck with one gigantic hand, and shoved his sweatpants down with the other. ...

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" he asked.

I didn't respond. My face burned with anger and humiliation as he chuckled to himself on his way out of the closet. It all happened so fast I was still in shock. Trembling, I made sure he was gone, then ran into his bathroom, locked the door, and puked into his giant-sized toilet. ...

***

She never heard from this predatory narcissist "friend" again.  He knew what he was doing. This is the story of a man who a woman had known for some time, at least to the point where he had been welcome in her home and she his. And of a celebrity who bragged about having sex with thousands of women. One wonders how many of these women were raped. Cassandra said who would believe an out of work actress and ex stripper. I wish it were "Who would believe an outsized sports figure."

Well, I believe her.

What is the answer here? To never flirt? To never be friendly? To never go to a party? To never trust a man who is a friend? 

****

Please note that I listened to this book as an audio book in which Cassandra Petersen herself reads, and then I got the e-book. My download shows page numbers 252-254 which depends on the size of text one chooses. I do hope you'll want to read this book, just as I hope I've lead you to other books that are worthy of your time reading!  

Missy

WHO IS HE REALLY?

 

CASSANDRA PETERSON WAS RAPED BY A MAN SHE INVITED IN FOR A DRINK

In Chapter 15 of Cassandra Peterson's book, 'Yours Cruelly, Elvira', she reveals that she was raped. The first rape she reports in this chapter happened after she invited a man who she'd met at a club and had a conversation with back to her place for drinks.  I know that some men do think that such an invitation is considered as an invitation to have sex, or to at less mess around a little. Such stories make us women far less likely to invite men on dates.

However, I think we women have to educate men - all men - including our brothers and platonic male friends, what rape is. I agree with Cassandra that even if things are far along, if a woman says stop, a man should comply. There are very many reasons why a woman may want to stop, from concern over contraception to not feeling well to sobering up to - very many reasons.  

In this case the man was a rapist. The classic rapist.  There is no confusion about it.

When she suggested they get together another evening, before much had happened, he was angry.  He threw her to the floor, he balled up his fist and asked her if she wanted her teeth knocked down her throat. He threatened her that he knew where to find her and that she was not to tell.  There are times when I do hope there is eternal hell rapists. They are rarely one time offenders. Such men rape and rape again. They hate women. Rape is violence. They love that they are destroying a woman's health, reputation, and sanity.

Cassandra says she knew people would think she had asked for it by inviting him in. Also, she was aware that as an ex showgirl and because of her sexy Elvira character, she was less likely to be believed if she did report the rape.

***

Please note that I listened to this book as an audio book in which Cassandra Petersen herself reads, and then I got the e-book. My download shows page numbers 251-252 for which I took notes.

CASSANDRA PETERSON HEARS THE WORDS "YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN"

Excerpts from the book Yours Cruelly, Elvira by Cassandra Peterson

Chapter You'll Never Work In This Town Again

"It fills me with so much hope and pride that women are finally able to speak out about the treatment we've had to endure from men. Women have always had to worry about the damage to their livelihoods,  not to mention the loss of their dreams and aspirations, which could result from resisting men's unwanted advances, or God forbid, reporting it.  These days men are finally having to think very seriously about the potential damage to their own careers that engaging in this type of sexist behavior may cause.  One way or another, it will catch up with them, and karma's a bitch."

(Cassandra goes on to describe some of the experiences she had beginning as a girl when the neighborhood child molester tried to get at her, another at age 12, then in the 7th grade,)

"Miraculously - seriously - miraculously I made it through my teen years without getting raped, although I had some very close calls. I learned over time to never walk alone at night, to never park in dark areas, to always check to see whether anyone was hiding in the back seat of my car before getting in, and to keep an eye in the rear view mirror to make sure no one was following me.  It's great to grow up feeling like you're being hunted, right girls?"

(On an interview for a national commercial, a man asked her if she liked performing a certain sexual act and got up from his desk without any clothes on below his shirt.) "Shaken I jumped to my feet and headed for the door as fast as my feet would carry me.  As I literally ran down the dark hallway, my commercial aspirations in the dumper, I heard him yell these very words" You'll Never Work In This Town Again."

Please note that I normally cite the page number but the e-book I downloaded does not have page numbers showing.

As I read this, I was reminded of experiences I've had, such as being groped suddenly by a stranger when I sat waiting to get into a restaurant. That man was old and I wondered just how many women had been groped by him, how many got chased around the desk in his office. 

C 2023 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot  All Rights Reserved Including Internet and International Rights.

NIGHT HAS FALLEN

 

ASKING FOR IT : THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT by KATE HARDING : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK REVIEW

We first must understand what RAPE is!  Then we must be sure that our brothers and male friends understand that too. Anyone we go on a date with, anyone we are having a sexual relationship with, should understand that No is No, even when foreplay has gone on. They should know that permission is required every time and permission cannot be given by a woman who is passed out or asleep and that being in a steady relationship or married does not mean that either partner can never say no.

Of course we should also be "careful" but is being "careful" basically limiting, if not ruining, your life?

If you're like me, when I first heard of rape, when I was a teen, I thought it was horrible, almost unimaginable. I thought it was always physically violent and only imagined the scenario of sudden attack by a stranger who was waiting in an alley, in the be with a brute who used his strength, that she had to fight off the man, or try too, or was too scared to and froze and "let it happen." My experience in life was limited and my parents never brought up the possibility.

ASKING FOR IT: THE ALARMING RISE OF RAPE CULTURE -- and WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT was published in 2015 and is not outdated. Kate Harding is angry, as we all should be.  We might call her "a radical voice," but until there is no more rape on this earth, isn't that the voice that is necessary?  This book should get you angry, rile you up, and make you proactive.  If it doesn't maybe nothing will.

Was there anything in the book that I thought was over the top?  Yes.  It was an attack on academic researcher Deborah Tannen * who has written about how men and women seem to differ in their way of communication. To be fair, I have always hated the Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus books, the idea that we cannot escape gender especially because it seems it is always the woman who has to figure it out, change her ways, to get along with the man. I do think that there are genetic differences between those born female and those born male, and lots of variation as well. I personally do not know how much is socializing or cultural when it comes to expectations of gender, how we communicate, and so on. I think Tannen was trying to show us how we talk to each other - not just men and women but mothers and daughters too - so we can recognize ourselves if it fits and communicate better.

My feminism which idealizes equality for women clashed with reality. So sometimes we have to look at what is, how things are, even as we try for our ideals.

I doubt Tannen was ever coming up with apologies for why men rape (and I do face it that men sometimes get raped too, but usually by other men) and I do think her books are worth reading. 

As Harding points out, in our culture men get away with it, and that is perhaps the biggest issue, for if there is no punishment, or if a woman's experience is trivialized or she is blamed and the man gets an easy sentence, other men figure they can too. She brings up well known gang rapes; I frankly started thinking castration really is the remedy though it does not take a penis to rape and a violent person who still has arms and legs will use them.  My heart is broken for the women who have been, and for those who love them who are also affected. Rape is done by those who hate a woman or women.

C 2023 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

If interested in Deborah Tannen's body of work:   Deborah Tannen  Her books include "You're Wearing That?" - "You're The Only One I Can Tell" - "I Only Say This Because I Love You" and others.

THE THEFT OF CHOICE : SPECIAL EDITION of MISTRESS MANIFESTO FEATURING CASSANDRA PETERSON

The inspiration for this month's excruciatingly uncomfortable subject is the story of her rape in the memoir Yours Cruelly, Elvira by Cassandra Peterson, better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. You may be familiar with the character of Elvira, who years ago started out a long stretch as the hostess of late-night scary B-movies on television, some of them laughable, especially if you were in range of Los Angeles stations. Prior to becoming known as Elvira, Cassandra had what might be called a colorful life, which I'll get to in a moment.

I'm not a fan of horror or scary films and can't remember ever staying up late to watch the show, but I knew about Elvira the way I knew about Angelyne, who I elected as Honorary Mistress of the Month in October 2010, long before she was outed by a mysterious character and then a biopic was made of her life.  If you lived in Southern California in those days then you knew she was around.

Angelyne's mystery was how she could afford to be on so many expensive billboards all around town, how she could afford all the cosmetic surgeries, how she could afford pink sports cars, one after another, and spend so much time driving around Los Angeles and being seen. (She certainly did not seem to have a regular job or much in the way of actual acting work. She did manage to record some music...)  There were always whispers of mysterious benefactors. A friend of mine who had his moment of fame decades earlier and interacted with a number of people in entertainment told me who everyone said Kept Angelyne, which I've never revealed. Just about everything else he had ever told me about various show business people had checked out. But let me get back to Cassandra.

While Angelyne may live 'in character' and be famous for being famous, Cassandra Peterson, who as Elvira in some way got associated in some people's minds with Angelyne, played Elvira as an actor, keeping her private life private but not in a downright secretive way as Angelyne did. Some reviews of Peterson's book mentioned that finally she was getting personal. And she did in her memoir, including about her rape.

Of course Mistress of the Dark uses the term Mistress in a way that I do not here at Mistress Manifesto. Defining Mistress is one of the goals of this blog as we learn about so very many for whom a label such as Mistress might be right. Overall, however, the term Mistress implies a woman who is in command, if not of others, than of her own life, which can also seem to be ironic and contradictory, since in so many novels where Mistresses or Kept women or Courtesans are the main character they are actually subject to a passion that makes them sin.  

When I search for books that are non-fiction in libraries to read and consider for inclusion here, I always encounter hundreds of fictive books in which the Mistress is a character.  Sometimes I think there are hundreds of such books for every one that is non-fiction. Why, I ask myself, are all these novels written, sold, and read?  I think it's because many women do have the fantasy of being in a relationship outside of marriage.

One of the aims of Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot is to to look at the realities. We ask how did (and do) Courtesans, Mistresses, Kept People, Groupies, Harem concubines, and just plain women who have affairs with men who aren't free to marry them, live their lives? We wonder if, as in films, the 'bad girl' is always punished by society or fate.  We do this at a time when people are more open in general about who they are and what they want, and sometimes what they want falls into the category of Alternative Lifestyle.

We love the idea that we have Choice, but how much Choice do we have?

To review the book Yours Cruelly, Elvira:

Cassandra Peterson grew up with an abusive narcissistic mother caused her much pain and a beloved father who did not defend her. She grew up in a lower-middle class home where there was no talk of careers or college for her. She was a Beatles-maniac and long live rock and roll! She became the youngest showgirl in Las Vegas at the time; her parents signed their agreement. She's been Sex Positive and never shy about showing off her physical assets, in particular her breasts. Meeting Elvis Presley, who gave her some wise advice, was the highlight of her life in Vegas. 

Attempting to support herself as she took bit parts and background work, Cassandra Peterson went to Italy where she had some experiences that could have turned out worse. Destitute and squatting, ripped off and escaping a criminal lover, she ended back in America. In Los Angeles she decided to add her natural sense of humor to her bawdy personae. She took classes with the Groundlings comedy troop, which she eventually was invited to join. She and a partner wrote the comedy scripts for the horror show evenings she hosted

In her personal life she was not shy about having sex and didn't hold herself to traditional values. Not religious, she favored the Ernest Holmes Science of Mind way of goal setting. She also lovingly accepted gay men as friends, coworkers, and co-creatives. For a long time she-who-would-someday-be-known-as-Elvira was just scraping by, even when she had room mates or lived with a man to keep the cost of living down, even as she paid her dues and took her acting and improv classes, even as she sought agents, went on auditions, and took rejections.

When I first saw the book as an offering as an e-audio book and an e-book at my library, I thought, what the heck, I'm under no obligation to read it if it turns out it's no good. But it was, surprising so.  First of all, I love e-audio books when the writer/author reads their own work. Cassandra does, expressively, and humorously.  She's frank. And I was surprised at how much I was enjoying the book and could relate to her as a human being. Even if I personally would be far too self conscious to ever be a showgirl, I could certainly understand how much she loved music, how big a deal meeting Elvis and having a good conversation with him it was. I could certainly understand about being true to one's art, even if it didn't pay.

So when I got to Chapter 15, entitled You'll Never Work In This Town Again and she started reading/speaking about it, knowing already that she had been propositioned many times, had been sexually harassed, had been offered work in exchange for sex (in Hollywood called 'the casting couch') by sleazy men, I was unprepared to hear that she had, after fending off and surviving so much, been raped. 

So, this month as a Special Edition here at Mistress Manifesto, the focus is Rape, which is the Theft of Choice and so horribly common, and so hateful towards women, I swear sometimes I think castration should be the punishment. 

Thank You Cassandra Peterson for inspiring this Special Edition.

Cassandra Peterson was married for twenty five years and suffered six miscarriages before finally having a child at age 43. She had long been involved in LGBTQ Rights but had to adjust when she herself fell in love with another woman. When her book came out in 2021 she was seventy years old and had been in that relationship for 19 years. As an activist she has also been involved in PETA anti-fur campaigns. She is also for the Me-Too Movement and is vocal about having been verbally and psychologically abused not only in her childhood, but also in her marriage. 

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You might be interested in reading: ANGELYNE THE BILLBOARD QUEEN : RUMORED MISTRESS OF THE MONTH is in the archives for October 2010

P.S. I'm not suggesting Petersen has been a Mistress or a Courtesan or a Kept Woman. Her memoir does not suggest it.

 

MAZE

 

PEACE FOR ISRAEL, PALESTINE, UKRAINE, RUSSIA - THE WORLD

So very many ways to love others, including the people of other nations, people who are different than us. I, like so many other people on this earth, am gravely concerned.  Rules of War disregarded... 

BLAME IT ON MY YOUTH : CHET BAKER

MARIA LACZYNSKA WALEWSKA and NAPOLEON'S EX WIFE EMPRESS JOSEPHINE BECOME FRIENDS : NAPOLEON GOES INTO EXILE and MARIA DIES

Josephine, Napoleon's now ex wife extended an invitation to Maria Walewska that they should meet.  Obviously during her passionate romance with the Emperor, Maria had hoped to someday, perhaps when her man was done with war, to have a domestic life with him, to become his wife perhaps.  Whatever her feelings for Josephine, she had avoided contact with her. Now the two women had Napoleon's ongoing influence in their lives in common.  And so Maria went, with the small son that she had with Napoleon to meet Josephine.

Excerpt page 192:...  Mademoiselle Avrillon, Josephine's lady-in-waiting, recalled in her memoirs that 'the ex-Empress developed great affections for Madame Walewska.  She often talked of her unusual qualities and went to great lengths to stress that this woman, so essentially kind and good-natures, had never caused her any pain.  She set her frequent small gifts and showered presents on the little boy, whose features so reminded her of the Emperor.'

Josephine was only to live another year, and Maria would live another four.  But before she passed, Maria met a cousin of Emperor Napoleon's Philippe Antoine Ornano, a newly appointed general, age appropriate, good looking, a charmer with a good character. She would marry him.

Napoleon was finally defeated enough to be forced to abdicate and had to go into exile in Elba, Italy. He'd tried to commit suicide with poisons before he signed the agreement and Maria had traveled to see him in Elba. She intended to live there with him and their son if he would allow it and even brought her jewels in order to provide money.  The lovers once again had a romantic interlude but when the word got out, Napoleon panicked and sent Maria away.

Eventually Naples became the place that Maria lived.  It was a part of Europe that was enjoyed by many of European's nobles and aristocrats, because of the weather and because they could meet up with each other. The winter warmth, boating, hunting, and celebrations abundant.

In 1815 Anastase Walewski died.  Napoleon fled Naples.  Maria went back to Paris with their son.  She married Ornano in early September 1816 and was soon pregnant. In January 1817 she arrived back at Walewice, Poland and there was found to be seriously ill with kidney disease. She had been warned in her previous two pregnancies not to breast feed because of this kidney problem but had anyway.  Now her health was precarious.  She gave birth in Liege in 1817 to Rodolphe Auguste Ornano, her third son.  She died at thirty one, in December of 1817.

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A FOREST FLOOR WITH ROSES AND A BUTTERFLY by JOSEF LAUER

 

Josef Lauer was born 1818 in Vienna. He studied at the Academy of Fine Arts in the class of Sebastian Wegmayr, Joseph Mössmer, Thomas Ender und Franz Steinfeld. Lauer focused on painting still lifes with flowers and fruits, where he was the first depicting floral still lifes integrated in landscapes. His first exhibition was 1840, then he showed his works in different exhibitions also at the Austrian Kunstverein. Since 1861 he was also a member of the Viennese Künstlerhaus. He lived and worked solely in Vienna.  Josef Lauer died 1881 in Vienna.

MARIA LACZYNSKA WALEWSKA and NAPOLEON BONAPARTE : THE BEGINNING OF THE END

After  months with Napoleon in Austria at the Schonbrunn estates, the time came for Napoleon to move on.  She was pregnant with his child, and he was ready to quickly divorce Josephine.

Excerpt page 139:  On the last day before her departure from Schonbrunn she presented Napoleon with a ring, a gold and enamel band with a lock of her hair entwined under the surface and inscribed: "When you have stopped loving me, remember that I love you still.' It did not cross her mind that their idyll was nearing its end.

***

Maria was depressed and near a nervous breakdown, her pride wounded too, when she realized Napoleon's machinations.

There is no doubt in my mind that Maria's husband must have been contacted.

Except page 143: In April (1810), in a ceremony of golden splendour, the Emperor (Napoleon I) married Marie Louise of Austria.  Maria Walewska learned about the event from the newspapers. She was back in Poland by then, living at the castle of Walewice (her home as the wife of the owner), as in the first years of her marriage - invited there by her husband, to await the birth ' of a Walewski descendant.'

How had this surprising reversal come about?  Walewie was the last place Marie had expected to return to for the birth of Napoleon's child.  She had planned to have the baby in Paris, but after a few weeks in the French capital she sadly came to the conclusion that it would be less painful for her to withdraw from the scene and return home to Kiernozia.  The truth was that she had become an embarrassment to Napoleon...

Maria had known that he was divorcing Josephine but... Napoleon had an intermediary speak to Maria's husband, who was seventy-three years old, and was open to doing Napoleon a favor. Her family luckily greeted her with open arms.  She gave birth to Alexander Florian Joseph Colonna Walewski on May 4, 1810, and he would become the Foreign Minister of France decades later.  The birth record states the Walewski is the father and is signed by the doctor.

Alerted that he had a son, Napoleon sent a gift of lace but then for three months she heard nothing from him.  Napoleon finally wrote to her, but he called her Madame. He asked her to come to Paris and assured her of his affections.

***

Maria had been married when she became the mistress of a married man, who had now remarried.  In November of that year, Maria took her two sons with her as well as maids, cooks. nurses and other servants and traveled to Paris.  The Parisians had liked Josephine and their attitude was that Napoleon should have just stayed married to her.  Napoleon did not want her womanly love any more.  Paris was to be her permanent home and this time around she would not shy away from society.

***

Excerpt page 152-153:  He ordered that she be received at Court and treated as a distinguished foreign friend, and of course it was right, according to the custom of the day, that he should handsomely provide for her and their son.

As if to compensate Maria for the change in their relationship Napoleon saw to it that she was installed in Paris in princely fashion.  The house i the rue de la Houssaye was refurnished in elegant Empire style, and a country residence was acquired for her ... Free tickets to all Paris theaters were put at her disposal, and she had her own special box at the Opera and the Theater re Francais.  She was also granted free entry to the various museums in tow,... According to the records of Napoleon's Private Purse, she received a monthly allowance of ten thousand francs, a handsome allowance by all standards... Sometime in 1811, Maria was presented at Court and had to meet Napoleon's wife. Soon Napoleon would war with Russia. He was in his early 40's and was showing his age.

***

In 1812 Napoleon decreed that the estates situated in the Kingdom of Naples would be given to his son, Count Alexander Florian Joseph Colonna Walewski...  In his way Napoleon I did in fact take care of his ex mistress and his son. In fact she was now a rich woman, rich enough to provide funds to the Polish military. In this way, her allegiance to the Polish nation which had been an impetus for her involvement with Napoleon.  However, after Napoleon was forced to abdicate the King of Naples took back the lands so that this son was left without estates. In 1814, however, the lands were returned to Alexander.

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STAR LIGHT STAR BRIGHT WHO WILL BE MY LOVE TONIGHT?

 

MARIE IS INSTALLED IN THE CASTLE and THEN FOLLOWS NAPOLEON TO HIS HEADQUARTERS IN PRUSSIA and THEN TO PARIS

Napoleon and Marie corresponded. Her letters have not survived. But from his, which he often signed Napole, we know that there was love and that he was capable of tenderness.  As word got out that she was Napoleon's mistress, Marie had many visitors who wanted to meet her.  Her life became being at home with her husband and going to the castle to see Napoleon, where she went with his full knowledge. Her mother was fine with her daughter's involvement.  Her brother was assigned to be her escort.  It's said she was the only one who felt guilty about breaking her marriage vows.  However, I think it's possible that she was simply trying to save her reputation. She reminded of his promises to Poland.  After a terrifying battle in defense of the fortress of Konigsberg that ended with over 15,000 dead or wounded, it was decided that he would retreat to his new winter quarters at Osterode in east Prussia, and he suggested soon she would come to see him.  The place was called Finkenstein.  However, once there, it soon became clear that to be summoned to his Napolen's Paris resident was the key to the survival of their relationship.

Excerpt page 84:  For Marie, the decision to rejoin Napoleon at Finkenstein must have been an act of supreme courage.  The risk involved was enormous.  In Warsaw the 'affair" could still be contained as long as appearances were kept up. She was protected by the solidarity of her class and the universal patriotic fervor for the French.

Excerpt page 93 : Marie was twenty years old and had not, until now, known the meaning of love.  Whatever romantic stirrings she might have felt for young Suvorov must have gradually been erased by her three years of marriage to an old man. In Warsaw she had suffered from shock, when her long-idolized hero was suddenly transform to a  aggressive lover.  Though her newly awakened body had instinctively responded to him, it nevertheless took a long time for her mind to catch up.  There was also the feeling of guilt towards her son and her husband, and the knowledge that she had sinned in the eyes of her Church. It was all very confusing.  (Suvorov was the young man she had romantic feelings for as a girl, before her arranged marriage.)

Excerpt Page 103: On 29 July he found time to write to Marie.  Her nameday and the day of her patron saint, the Virgin Mary, fell on 15 August.  This was also the day of his thirty-eight birthday.  He wrote a tender and affectionate letter, telling her how much she was being missed and that he would 'soon' ask her to join him in Paris. With the letter he send a diamond and sapphire bracelet and - an even more precious present - a medallion with his portrait on it. Marie deposited the bracelet in a drawer but pinned the medallion on her dress, where she would be conscious of it all the time  He confidence was restored. She now knew that it was only a question of time before she would be summoned to Paris.

Marie was summoned to Paris in the new year of 1808.  She stayed about six weeks before returning to Poland for a spell. Paris required that the shy and quiet Marie become more fashionable and up to Napoleon's taste for his entourage. She was not known for her love of splendor. She saw him here and there.  She had become a woman who waited for her man's attentions. Yet she also knew that he was away at war and that various military campaigns were being fought.

She lived for two years at a small eighteenth century house at rue de la Houssaye in the Notre Dame de Lorette quarter of Paris.  It was her residence until 1814 and then moved on to the rue de la Victoire.  However, her days as Napoleon's mistress would come to an end .