HER DAUGHTER IS A WAITRESS WITH A BOYFRIEND and A SUGAR DADDY : OPINIONS BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Missy,

My 20 year old daughter has a long distance boyfriend, 23, Lance, now in the military.  She's a waitress for a chain restaurant that features skinny young women in very tight short shorts over hosiery, a bra that makes as much as possible of her teeny assets, and a t-shirt over that.  She's a pretty girl. She works really hard and is making hundreds in tips, very good.  I was talking to her about putting some of this money in an account for her future, after all she's been lucky to have only been out of work and on unemployment a short while due to Covid-19, plus all that government money to supplement, but who knows. 

She surprised me by saying in an off-handed way that "Rick" puts a hundred dollars a month or so into her bank account electronically.  Rick?

She said that the last time her boyfriend Lance texted while she was out shopping with her girlfriend, he sent her a couple hundred and told her to buy herself something special. So, she says, she is not hurting.

I don't like it. My daughter ditched her college plans to be a high-earning waitress but she's using her sex appeal and putting up with rowdy bunches of men to get those tips. She is putting up with sexual harassment by customers. 

Looks don't last. 

I don't like that her Lance is sending her money when they are not engaged and she has no ring on her finger. I'm mostly upset about this Sugar Daddy, Rick.  He was or is one of the customers.  She says she's keeping it platonic.

I say, if it's platonic he would not be playing Sugar Daddy and to close up that bank account and stop letting him fantasize that he has her.

Your opinion is?

Beverly in Los Angeles

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Beverly,

Lance is treating her like a Mistress or Wife. Due to his service he probably can't go out shopping to buy her a personal gift, a wooing gift, which would be preferable, as would be sending flowers, love letters and "I'm Thinking of You" cards. My guess is that he is more serious about her than she may be about him.  After all, when a woman is seriously interested in only one man, she tells other men, such as the Sugar Daddy, that she has a boyfriend. She may even claim to have a boyfriend when she does not to end the fantasies of someone she does not want to lead on that she is available.

I agree that the Sugar Daddy is probably at least having a fantasy about having her, even as she sees it she's platonic friends with him.

So many ifs, buts, howevers though.

We don't know if the Sugar Daddy is a rich octogenarian who laughs his way to the bank as he sends a number of women money electronically every month, thinking "if only I were younger" or a studly young man with a thing for only her. Maybe he's a hard working man of her generation who sees his monetary contribution to her welfare a preamble and is waiting to ask her to marry him when he's made his first million. We don't know if this money sent comes from someone who barely misses it or is shirking his responsibilities to pay child support.  We know nothing.

So talk to your daughter and ask her what all she knows about the Sugar Daddy. She should know his full name, his address, his relationship status - is he married, divorced, a player? After all, he knows her name, where she works, and her personal banking. He may know her car and plate info and where she lives. He may have followed her. He may have paid a PI.

Tell her platonic friendships are platonic from both sides. Has she actually communicated to him that she is only interested in friendship and has a boyfriend? To be honest, she should.

If she did, would the money stop coming in? My guess is yes.

If she just closed the bank account without talking to him and explaining she can no longer accept his money, would he be disappointed or even angry.? My guess is yes.

Let's face it that she gave him the wiring information to her bank account. If she did not that would be invasive of him. That also communicated something to him.  Such as that she is impoverished, is not making enough money to be independent and self support, or that she is interested in him, that they have a relationship.  If this same person came into the restaurant once a month, sat at her table, had a coffee and left her a hundred dollar tip, I would think that flirty and excessive but not the same as having her bank information.

Yes, I agree that looks don't last and should not be dependent upon for life, that education and a career are important too.  Yet, she is so young, and pretty, and hardworking, and she needs to negotiate life on her own terms and discover her own values. So explain why you're worried but also express that you know it's her life.

Missy

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