DO YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP or A SITUATIONSHIP? : OPINION and RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BY MISSY

 I just recently heard this new word, this new concept, called a SITUATIONSHIP.  What it means is that your contact with another person might seem like a RELATIONSHIP, but it's held together by the situation you're in together, or your situation in life - or his.

We can all understand that some relationships depend on being co-workers, or being in a college class together, or maybe going to the same church or living in the same town.  Someone changes a job or finishes school or moves on and soon the relationships that once held importance to you are no more, or barely held together by rare contact.  If the relationship was a long one maybe it will continue on, but as I've personally found all it takes is traffic jams and transportation difficulties to another part of town to make a local person geographically undesireable.

Sadly this term is perhaps more accurate when applied to when a person keeps you in their life even though they know they do not feel as you do.  He knows he is not serious and never will be and is keeping his options open to meet other women.  He might be in your life enough that you can't believe this would be so but he knows this truth.  You are there because you benefit him in some way, more than he is of benefit to you. Most obviously, sexually.  Perhaps if he didn't have you in his life he would not have regular sex or any sex at all. Perhaps he gets his pleasure without consideration for yours and it's not just the two of you figuring out what works, he's lazy or doesn't actually care and he figures you don't mind because you don't speak up.  (As I see it no one should be doing friends with benefits or booty calls.)  It can be because he doesn't want to be known as a man who doesn't have a woman in his life. Out and about he wants to be seen with a woman - you -  because other men, he figures, will think better of him.  Maybe he's even in the closet, even though it's more popular in big cities in America to be "out."  (Yes, many men who decide they are gay have had heterosexual experience and can have sex with women too.  Some are bisexual.  Not all men who identify as gay find women totally unattractive or totally undesireable. As one man who has been in a committed gay relationship for years told me, "I was engaged to be married to a woman and I enjoyed sex with her but then I had sex with a man and it was just so much more exciting.)

How does a person get into a SITUATIONAL?

No one way, wish their was. I think it's sometimes because a person doesn't know what they want and need.

If you realize you are and don't want to be, don't beat yourself up over how it evolved.  Just don't stay in a SITUATIONAL if you know the relationship is stalled out and you're not getting what you really want and need.  I do know it can be so difficult.  You may love the person, way more than they have ever or could ever love you.  When you break with the person, be loving and kind but firm.

Time passes and so does your libidinal energy, which at best should be devoted to the person or persons who actually love you and want what you do. Through the years in a serious relationship there is give and take and sometimes you might be the one giving more, but you do have needs and always being the giver is probably not healthy or sustainable.  It's not about money or just about money.  There are all sorts of benefits to having a good relationship beyond money.  We all need people we can be ourselves with, people we can speak our truth with, people we can trust, and people we can depend on.

Now, this is not to say that no woman ever kept a man in her life even though she knew he was not it for her.  Some women marry because they feel "it's time' if they want to have children and raise them, for instance.  What's so sad is when you hear of people who stay married for years unhappy and unsatisfied because they did not want to remain unmarried.  Find your courage.

You really have to think about your life, what you want, what is realistic, give it thought and decide.  It might have a lot to do with what chapter of your life you're in.  For instance, some people are content with sharing someone with another person or being a mistress rather than a married woman.  Some younger men go off with an older woman and are happy and devoted, while others figure they'll get sex, career benefits, notoriety, or something else while it lasts.

Ask yourself if changes in a person's life will include you or not.

Missy

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