EVERY WOMAN NEEDS A GAY MALE PAL BUT DON'T GET USED AS COVER : OPINION BY MISSY

A while back I met a man who told me that he was - well - not transgender - but born with female DNA and male characteristics. When he told me this, he said that the friends he grew up with knew about it and accepted him.  I did to - or so I thought - when I didn't know he had an agenda. Now he was in a new city and social situation and trying to make friends.. He told me he had been in love with a woman years back but his DNA problem required that he break the relationship and that everyone felt sorry for him but also understood. 

He dressed and conducted himself as a man, and as a man, he seemed to be rather sexist.

He asked me along to a lunch where he said we would be meeting up with one of his friends and be talking about literary books. I'm well qualified to be part of such a discussion. The friend is heterosexual and married and I have no idea what all he knew about the man who'd invited me. We got there and these two talked literary books, without including me in. They were putting on a performance. I was supposed to be the gal simply astounded by their knowledge. The audience. They were obnoxious. I couldn't have intruded with any commentary about any author or book.

I got it. The man with the female DNA was trying to show me off as his girlfriend to his heterosexual friend, like he was scoring points with this man for even having a woman along. I got it that I was supposed to be providing cover or proof that he was all male. Who knows what he had told this heterosexual man about me before this lunch or after. It was the last for me.

I sat there wishing I had not wasted my time. Such situations are hard for me, because my politeness kicks in, even when others are not being polite to me. Luckily the lunch place was busy, the waitress came by numerous times to give us a clue it was time for her to turn the table over to other waiting diners. We left and I determined that I would not be receptive to this man any further.

One day flowers were sent by a mystery person. There was a mystery card in the flowers and the person who had received them must have taken a bribe to keep the secret. I was not comfortable at all with this. I gave them to the person who had received them, saying there must have been a mistake made. Later, I heard her saying how "cute" and 'romantic' this gesture of his was. I realized this woman was part of the problem. 

The unwelcome flowers could have been from anyone and a man posing as a 'friend' while actually having a secret agenda was not someone I wanted in my life at al.

Not long after this, I ran into the man in a public place. I was in a hurry but could not ignore him. He used this moment to ask after the flowers and plant a kiss on my cheek, thus revealing himself. Then he pointed to his own cheek expecting a kiss there from me.  I did not. Where was this going? Clearly, because he was in a fantasy about me, he had not even bothered to ever ask me if I was available. When he next asked me to lunch, I told him that I was not available. 

Not that this man was "gay." This was before the discussion on sexuality and gender became what it is today, with so very many labels to define oneself, should you want to put one on, or out yourself.  (I do not believe anyone should be outing anyone else.) If technically he was female, but not transgender, but had a crush on me, what was he imagining?  How confusing!

Whatever it was, I didn't want or need it.  

There men who are not confused and have known they are gay - not sexually attracted to females - for a long time. The pressure on them now is to be 'out and proud' but not so long ago the pressure on them was to be 'in the closet' for their own safety and protection. I  think this is still the case in some places. I live in a big city where there is a significant gay population and areas of that city where homosexuals dominate and it's safer for them to be out. 

I have gay friends but 'm not willing to be any gay man's pretend girlfriend for the sake of his relationship with his parents or his heterosexual, perhaps gay-hating boss, or perhaps his not-tolerant heterosexual friends. Is there a real friendship there?  That's what you have to ask yourself.

Over the years I've known of a number of women who were sympathetic to a gay man's difficult situation with his parents or boss who did, willingly, act as a girlfriend, but I thought some of them were being used. I especially hated to hear gay men talking about some of those women as "fag hags."

Pre-Covid, I went with a gay friend to see him play soccer with his team. These men get right to their game, sometimes lingering afterwards for beer and some conversation. Most do not bring along family, wives, or girlfriends. I got the impression though that my friend, showing up with a woman, tweaked their curiosity, and sure enough more than one came over to ask him who I was. He said, "I will tell you. She is my friend."  I was so glad he handled this honestly.

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