HOW TO AVOID STARTING UP WITH A MARRIED MAN (IF IT'S NOT TOO LATE!) ON-LINE MATCH UP?

I'm asked how a woman can tell if a man is married or not. If he's your co-worker, your boss, your neighbor, your family friend, or that man at church, you already know he's married. That's different. This is for those who is interested in someone who is not in their daily life.

The person might be available... or might not be. Perhaps this is someone who has not yet admitted they are married or living with someone. Or the person may have a domestic partner or be in a steady 'committed' relationship with someone but not living together. If you want to avoid getting involved with someone who is not actually single, unmarried, and available, you might be able to end it before it starts ...

Be aware:

I like the idea of a dating calendar, diary, or journal. For instance you might write in when and how you met, when that person calls you, the time of day or night, and the nature of the phone call. (Is it to ask you out, talk problems?) When they ask you out and for when. (A week in advance? Last minute? Saturday night? Wednesday night? Sunday afternoon?) And other details. (The caution on this is that if you're crazy about that person you might make seeing them around once in a while into something bigger than it is...)

On-line?

When you meet someone through an on-line match up, and begin your communications with e-mailing and texting, a person who is involved elsewhere may be able to keep their secret for some time, such as until after you're hooked. Some wait until after you've had sex and/or fallen in love. I do think that can be deliberate. Such a person may be manipulating you, controlling you, and trying to rob you of making an intelligent choice.

That said, until you have a discussion, an agreement, a negotiation, with someone to be a partner, until you know the terms and conditions, it's best to assume that they are "dating" or "seeing" others and you have every right to as well. So how do you feel about having sex with someone you know little about? Does he presume you won't mind sharing him with one or more other lovers?

It's my observation that women seem to think they are in an exclusive relationship when they're having sex with a man, a presumption, and are hurt when that turns out not to be true. Having the negotiation means that he won't be able to try and get out of being responsible by saying something like "Well, you didn't ask."  

You don't have to be religious or moralistic to be pragmatic. Life is difficult for most women, more difficult than it is for most men; I do think so. The role parents used to take in choosing a husband for their daughters now has to be taken by you yourself.  You must be the one choosing a partner - if you want one.  As I see it the pressure to partner in this world is extreme to the point where many people feel they should be with someone- anyone - or stay with someone-anyone - when the connection is not good, even abusive. Some people think it's better to be partnered socially, even better to be divorced than single. 

Avoid hook ups, texting - sexting, and 'friends with benefits.' Seriously question any social networking you do; put the settings on private and only invite your family and closest friends.  Spend the time going places where you can meet people in person and where people are going to meet people.

If you're involved in on-line meet ups or dating, don't spend a lot of time in e-mailing or texting conversations, or have long phone conversations that take the place of dates before or instead of meeting in person. Don't send photos or give accounts of your activities to prove you have fun, are busy, or have a lot of friends. Do not keep posting your every move. Have you no mystery?

I've met one too many women who indulge in what is a fantasy relationship and who never hear from a man again after finally meeting him in person. I hate this, but it's usually because the man is meeting a lot of women hoping he will be immediately very physically attracted to someone. Perhaps he thinks if he experiences a tremendous zing first, then he will get to know the woman. He might be a sex addict even if he isn't actually having sex. He may use porn. He may be homosexual but hoping a particular woman will prove otherwise because he finally feels the zing. It is possible to slowly and surely fall in love with another person by spending time with them, by having a friendship first, but those men looking for the zing rarely allows this to happen.

Or he may be the type who sees women as 'arm-candy' and wants other men to admire him or elevate his status with a woman, even if he doesn't have special interest in her as a human being. He can be someone who thinks that he deserves or needs a woman who is much more beautiful than he is handsome. These days some men feel they deserve not only beauty but also that their woman be educated and have high-paying careers. This can be all about his narcissism and need to impress other men.

He can be a meet-up addict. The high of the experience being that he succeeded in getting a woman interested enough to meet him and the low of the experience being that she's not exciting enough (by his way of thinking) after all. Or that he keeps going after women who reject him.

Or he may enjoy having fantasy relationships himself and have these e-mail or sexting or texting conversations going with a number of women at the same time and never get around to meeting any one. Hey, it may be the time of his life, but is it also yours?

So, when you limit how much time and patience you have with all this electronic busyness, it's a positive. You meet, you can take it slow, and if he's just into it to seduce you and abandon you, he won't spend the time to get to know you in person.

Time off for social life is limited for most people. So consider how much time the person is spending with you in person. Remember that a person in another relationship can more easily e-mail or text you than see you in person. (Maybe he takes his phone into the bathroom or when he's out walking their dog? Or only calls you from work at lunch time? Maybe he composes an e-mail when he has the time and then schedules it to send another?)

If your intent is to meet someone to date and to eventually partner with, all the energy and effort on your part consumed with these interactions, which may raise your hopes or basically wear you down with rejection, will prevent you from focusing on you goal of partnering with someone who is actively interested and available. So, after a few messages, a time and place to meet in person is all there is left to discuss. Let the e-conversation go. And if it turns into dating, be aware if it's mostly keeping in touch electronically. Stop that.

And by the way, I do realize my advice can apply to people of all genders and sexualities, but I'm coming from a heterosexual perspective and from learning vicariously as well. I do think there is something to vibes as well as chemistry and love at first sight.

Is there an exception to the advice I've given above? There is. If he is in a commitment but his partner is long distance, he has the time to see you in person and take the relationship forward, until she comes back to visit or moves back or he is summoned there.

Missy

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