A LONG EMAIL CONVERSATION THAT TURNS INTO GHOSTING? QUESTIONS FOR MISSY

QUESTION FROM READER

Missy,

I did meet, "Robert" on line and we started e-mailing. He lives in another country but has been in the United States a few times. We e-mailed frequently and have shared so much about our lives. This went on for a few years. The problem is that I have only seen one blurry picture of Robert and I only spoke to him on the phone one time. That was towards the end of our e-mailing. I didn't know if we had just taken the emailing friendship was far as it would go or if maybe seeing the picture of me (a decent one) made him realize he was not interested in me. There wasn't any context that was flirty or sexual, but I also didn't think a man would spend so much time e-mailing and not have a sincere interest in our friendship. It all stopped short of Zoom or other on line conversations.  He started responding with a few lines and then ghosted me.

I may have lost Robert but I was wondering if you have any ideas about how to conduct an e-mail friendship.

Judy

Baltimore

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry to hear that your good friend Robert is no longer in your life. I suspect he has gotten himself in a serious romance with a local woman.  Maybe some day you will be surprised with an e-mail from him but you should probably think of him as gone.

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought lately because I too had a friendship that was all about e-mail with a woman who I met volunteering.  The e-mailing was during Covid.  She's an anti-vaxxer and now that restrictions are eased, she does not want to get together, not even to have lunch at a restaurant that has outside seating.  I like her and we have some things in common, but sometimes she would send messages that gave me a feeling she had not "heard" me. I sometimes spent an hour or more communicating through typing with her and admit that sometimes her messages kept me from feeling down. I'm getting busier and started feeling like I do not want to communicate with her so much by e-mail.

I don't know that it's any different - be it a man FRIEND or a woman FRIEND, but sometimes a friendship has it's reasons for a while but not a lifetime.

In general I think e-mail is better than long distance phone charges, but now that so many of us have unlimited cell phone long distance, I don't see a reason for e-mailing back and forth so much.  An in-person friendship is best, phone calls between in-person get-togethers. You can say more and all you have to in much less time with a phone call.  However, some people just like to write or feel they express themselves best in writing. Just like some people are satisfied with one long phone call a year to keep their friendship. Time zone differences and life circumstances may also make e-mail a better option, such as when a friend has young children to attend to but might be able to pick up and answer e-mails once they're asleep.

Your question edges into the question of men and women who meet on-line, sometimes who live at too great a distance to meet up in person and find out if they like each other or are comfortable with each other.  Sometimes when people do meet up they find themselves turned off or, though they considered it a platonic friendship, find themselves attracted to one another. I've heard of people who did all their dating by Zoom or the like, even men who sent for women to marry from other countries who dated this way.  I personally would not trust that.

In general I think that if a woman is actively seeking a man for reasons other than platonic friendship, and the connection is social media or on-line dating, she should not get caught up in an e-mail relationship with him. After a few back and forth, hello, how are you, tell me more about you communications, plan to meet for coffee or tea, spend an hour or so, and go home alone. I'm advising everyone to SLOW IT DOWN.

That is because by now I've heard of too many bad relationships that were entered into on a whim.

If a heterosexual man tells you about women he is dating or having a relationship with, clearly he has no interest in you as a special woman but sees you as one of the boys, so to speak. If he does not venture there he either has nothing much happening, wants to be private about it, or maybe has the idea that maybe, maybe one day he'll have interest in you.

Missy

C 2022