WILL, JADA, and THAT OPEN MARRIAGE QUESTION

At the recent Oscars presentations, actor Will Smith, slapped comedian Chris Rock, after Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith's baldness, which is caused by the condition known as alopecia.  Jada, a beautiful woman, with or without hair, sat in the audience and witnessed what has been interpreted as her husband defending her.  It was sudden and shocking, and of course, an International Event that left the Academy Awards people wondering what sort of punishment, if any, should be dished out.  Will Smith has been banished from attending the show presentations for a decade but gets to keep his Oscar.  Dozens of articles and commentaries have been in the media about it.  In some of them there is the speculation that Will Smith is overly defensive of Jada, the woman he loves, because their marriage is Open and has included a fairly recent affair of Jada's. Last September Will Smith confirmed that they had an Open marriage and that he never believed in a conventional marriage.  The couple have two children.

I'm no expert on Open Marriages.  In the 1960's a discussion about this Alternative Lifestyle began and this book, "Open Marriage" by Nana and George O' Neill was published in 1972.  I believe you can download this book as a PDF file on the Internet.

Back in the day when people simply did not live as long as we have an expectation to, marriage till death was rarely over 20 or so years.  Women especially had a high death rate due to childbirth and associated ailments, and men remarried, sometimes very quickly, because they needed a wife to do all the things that were assigned to women by gender - such as raising the children left without a mother, cooking, and household chores.  So, there were not too many couples together to celebrate Silver and Golden anniversaries.  

Then there is the fact that some couples have 'stayed together for the children' and who have gone their separate ways otherwise, and who perhaps have only tolerated His affairs but not Hers. Equality being what it is or should be, it would seem only fair if both partners could enjoy affairs. So, this falls into the category of women's liberation.  Because it liberates the "long suffering" wife, to do as she pleases.  (Not that there have not been 'long suffering' husbands.)

Perhaps the person who make a choice in favor of this form of Alternative Relationship also accepts that life is long and marriage may be forever, and is less threatened if there isn't any sneaking around.

Still, in a pragmatic way, openly having affairs - be they one night or enduring - does require the partner to accommodate and acknowledge.  People as wealthy as Will and Jade can hire others to do the things most of us do - from housekeeping and yard work to child care, and so their time is more available. For an average couple, it might mean that one is left at home to do these things while the other is out and about.  Therefore, I think there is an economic aspect to choosing an Open marriage.

Is knowing where someone is and with whom all the time a prerequisite? 

I think that the big question is about Jealousy.  Does a wife having an affair make her husband jealous?  Does he want her for himself more?  Is there always an implied competition to keep her?  Is it only human to want various sexual experiences?  What about the husband or wife who finds themselves no longer interested or capable of sex?  Perhaps this is a lifestyle for those who do not find themselves to be jealous people.

Has the couple settled into more of a Great Friendship?  Raising their children together and living in the same home, which is more easier that divorce and all those issues with whose turn it is to see them or care for them and living separated?  (Having a large house most certainly would be a help there.)

How about the difficulty of sorting out finances?

Can we get married and then figure this all out before we live it in a forever agreement?

It seems to me MORE COMMUNICATION would be necessary.

I think more people are living in Open Relationships who don't announce it, and even more are living in Open Relationships who don't quite define it that way or realize it.

Missy