CHASING MEN? : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY:

Hi Missy

There is so much dating advice on the Internet, lots of YouTube videos put up by experts, and they mostly seem to say women should not chase men. Is Biology as Destiny still the thing? What's your opinion?

Mercedes

Nevada

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Mercedes!

Life sure is more complicated because there are no longer strong rules based on gender about courtship behavior which we as a Western society overall wanted to be liberated from.  A hundred years ago a kiss could be taken for a promise of marriage in some sets. Do women really want to go back there to the days when a woman who had sex before marriage might be condemned for it, even be forced into prostitution because no one would marry her? 

Do men? 

I doubt it. 

However, people are confused, not only about what the right thing to do is, but what it is they personally want. 

What some people want is traditional gender roles in which the man pursues. 

There's also so many more opportunities to meet people because of the Internet - matchmaking - social networking - dating clubs - if you're interested.  I'm not attracted to that experience and have not tried it to this point.  I think meeting people in person is the best.

I was sitting at an outdoor table at a coffee house recently when a man asked if he could sit with me. There were no other tables open. This place is temporarily important to me because it has outdoor tables. What could I say?

He proceeded to talk about himself and his sex adventures. 

I found myself interested to a point. I thought, "Research for my blog!" 

After a bit I thought this man was simply a self-obsessed obnoxious bore. His phone was alerting him to one woman after another messaging him of her interest from one site after another. He said he felt he should "show respect" by responding to these women quickly.  I asked him if he was addicted to these alerts.  He said maybe.

He told me about three women he was having sex with, one he called "a hairy beast" who he had suggested a Brazilian to! Here he was naming women and saying who was or was not good at sex. The red headed Jewish actress who says she loves sex. The blond WASP heiress who says she isn't looking for marriage. The executive who seems to keep putting her business before him. Of course he's a lonely man and very likely a sex addict who should probably seek therapy. What about these women? Are they sex addicts too?  Do they think they've started up something exclusive with him?  I'm sure they have no idea that he's sitting with a woman and talking his sex with them. 

Besides his cell phone ringing with new women who claim interest in him, he said he was part of a group of five people who all agreed they could call each other up any time for a bootie call. It sounded civilized. At least among them this had been discussed and agreed upon.  I wondered if there was bisexuality in the group.

He had told me about walking down the Boardwalk with a camera years ago and how easy it was to take women back to his studio and have sex with them. Considering that today we must be concerned about so many SIDS, I listened without saying what I thought. 

Did he care about my opinion?  Probably not.  Does he think of me as a woman?  Probably not. (But he would still have sex with me if I said I wanted to because an addict is an addict.)  Did he think he was making me interested in him?  I was not - at all.

There are a lot of men like him because they are spoiled by women who offer so much, sometimes competitively, to men for so little. These are the advocates of sex as free who might ask you if you are "free spirited."

There are men who learn "tricks" for picking up women. Some men will say anything - even that they will marry you.

Women, if your self assessment is that this (sex) is just what you want to experience at this time of your life, at least use contraception and practice safer sex. Be concerned about your fertility and your health if not your emotions.

What if none of these women were signaling their interest in him?  What if his phone wasn't ringing with women who think they are interested in him based on a photo and a profile that brags his accomplishments?  What if he had to get out there and meet women in person, do the choosing and the wooing?  

Because of this type of man, I think it's in a woman's best interested to not initiate contact with a man or men. Will not contacting them prevent you from meeting such men?  No, but not initiating contact might cut down on the numbers of men a woman has to delete from her experience. If you're using the Internet to meet someone special, be sober about it. Even small rejections that happen well before there ever was a relationship can add up and hurt you.

I think at least initially a woman should let a man pursue her. I think "Slow down!"  If "All He Wants is Sex" he will not invest time in you. He will not show interest in your life, your experiences, your opinions. He will limit knowing you to knowing your body. If a relationship is established, a woman can be more contributing and initiating. Letting him start things up isn't a life sentence of repressed, traditional femininity.  Rather it's one of your filters.

Missy

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