MEN WHO HAVE WOMEN FRIENDS: WHAT I DO NOT AGREE WITH ANNA BEY ABOUT

As a person who has had several men friends in my life and has been a woman friend to several men, I disagree with Anna Bey when she says that if a man has women friends in his life, he's just not that into you.

Oddly, she admits to having several male friends in her life. She also says your net worth and network are the same. So is she only networking with other women? Aren't friends the best of your network?

I think it's healthy to preserve and make friends of all kinds throughout your life no matter what your marital status is. Having a partner should not prevent you from this. Some friends are to share and some are just for you. Your partners shouldn't dictate to you who you can befriend, unless there's a true reason for concern like the person is criminal, or violent, or using illegal drugs. Of course you'd be protective of someone in cases like this. 

You're not going to like all of your partner's friends nor they, yours. Still, unless there is a true reason for concern, well, this may surprise you, but you still deserve some privacy and autonomy even if you're partnered.

A friend you can trust and rely on is a treasure. But just as there are many ways to love, there are many ways to be friends with someone.

The limits some women let men put on them is troubling. Same goes for men. If a partner begins to hack away your friends at the beginning of a relationship when dating, I'd advise you to end the relationship. It's a form of control that's abuse.

Everyone should have some people in their life who are there for friendship, not for business, not as family, and not for romance. You need support. You need to go out and have fun. You need to share. You need the opinion of the opposite gender. You need to be you.

Generally, I think men are better at keeping friends because they're better at being their own person, setting boundaries, considering opinions but deciding for themselves. It's the women who seem to consult their women friends about men in their lives as if they need approval or don't have full confidence in their own thoughts and feelings and are in need of guidance. (Sure, sometimes you do, but all the time?) Anna is right about the kind of women friends a woman should have. Let the ones who are not for your happiness and success or can't keep a secret go. 

I think a woman needs the same in men friends. And visa versa.

If you allow yourself to be isolated by a partner, or if you dump your friends when you get involved with a lover, do you really expect them to be there for you when you come up for air or get dumped yourself?

Or, if you are the controlling and jealous person, well, I guess you might be able to trust someone who has no one else but you but this can also be abusive. (As a side note one of the first things that happens when you get involved in a cult is the cult finding fault with your support group and cutting you off from them.) I've observed women friends who started affairs because they felt so locked down in marriage. It seems at that point anyone looked good -the office womanizer, the guy in the mail room who never had a girlfriend, the irresponsible man next door with a child that needs a mommy.

The reason partners don't want their significant others to have friends is a fear it will result in affairs. But does it really? I think men tend to separate who they feel attracted to and who they don't and well, women friends tend to be the ones they aren't attracted to.

But then it may surprise you to know I don't advise anyone participate in hook ups or friends with benefits. Not only do these activities blur the friendship/ love boundary they also blur the stranger/friend definition. 

Another fear that's being played when a person's partner expects them to leave behind friends is that having them is like having potential lovers awaiting. This can happen. Which isn't the same as counting on it happening.

There can also be a fear that a man's women friends will decide who they like and who they don't and will influence him out of dating you. I had that experience with one person and he admitted to me that she objected to all his girlfriends, so that should have been revealing to him. A friend wants the best for you but understands you go your own way.

While it may be normal to prioritize an intimate involvement or to get busy with work and raising children it doesn't take a lot to keep a friendship.

Send a birthday card.

Meet for lunch.

Invite to a party.

Have a long phone conversation once in a while.

Send over home baked cookies or a bottle of wine with a note.

Sure your lives may go out of sync or take different paths but then it may be more interesting when you share.

I believe that friends are especially important if you have no siblings or your parents have died or you live far from your family. 

Because we've been thinking about men and women and money this month, I'd like to express that I don't expect friends to always pay for me or go without some sign that I'm participating in a friendship. When I'm out with men friends such as going to the theatre or meeting up for dinner I pay for my own tickets or meal. However, I believe in taking turns with invitations and with some invitations comes the nicety of paying for the people you invite. If you are the one with limited funds, still find ways to show your interest.

Invite people to a potluck or dinner party. Invite them to go to the museum on a free museum day. Take along a picnic basket. Don't expect men friends to act like suitors and do all the calling and planning.

Women friends have told me of feeling confused about a man's interest in them upon first meeting up. Is he looking for a friend? Or someone to date?

Men have told me that if they meet a woman and meet again for coffee and she offers to pay for hers they feel she is signaling she's interested in friendship only. 

This is complicated by the fact that men today don't always want to reveal themselves as interested and face rejection. They'd rather be cool and let the woman reveal herself. They'd also rather "hang out" than actually go on dates. That's for teenagers who need supervision, in my opinion.

Men who can afford to will often pay for their friends because they can, male or female friends. Women who earn good money or happened to have come into some do the same.

Missy

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