SHOULD SHE OBJECT TO HIS "FRIENDSHIP" WITH HIS MESSED UP EX-WIFE? : OPINION BY MISSY

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Missy,

My boyfriend of about two years, Albert, is still friends with his ex-wife. I have male friends. I feel it would be wrong to object to Albert having female friends.  He's a hard worker and he spends most of his time with me. I'm there when she calls. And when they go to a movie or dinner together and it's just the two of them catching up, I don't complain.  When I do go, Alice is nice enough. She never has brought a date along though. 

Recently Albert wasn't talkative about where he was with Alice and I didn't hear from him for a couple days.  I felt suspicious.  Eventually he told me.  He had taken her to have an abortion.  And since their divorce, seven years ago, he's taken her to have other abortions, he said.  Then he takes her home and stays there with her, just to be sure she's OK. 

I'm feeling this is too much to ask of Albert. I think Alice is messed up. Especially because the men who impregnated Alice seem to be nowhere to be found. Albert and Alice were married for five years. They married young.  Your opinion is?

Charlene

United States

ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hi Charlene,

My gut feeling on this is that you're right.  These ex's are not ex's in a healthy way.  That doesn't mean that they have never stopped being sexual. 

I hate to think that your Albert is responsible for any of these abortions that Alice has had, but there are so many contraceptive options and everyone should be practicing safe sex and using protection, so while maybe Alice is exceptionally fertile or out of luck, she seems to me to be irresponsibility taking chances and with irresponsible men. 

My guess is that is some way these two - Alice and Albert - are a bit emotionally embroiled with each other. Old friends. Maybe they grew up together. But what she has in Albert, she absolutely should have with men she's having sex with. That is Alice's Big Problem.  It becomes Albert's problem when he doesn't know how to draw the line.

I too believe that everyone should have some platonic friends, male or female, straight or gay, whatever. Our partners can't be absolutely everything to us all the time. So yes, it's time to decide if you want to be in this relationship with Albert or not and to talk to him.  If you decide NO, then there's no point in making it sound negotiable by talking to him about it.

What's most important is how you're feeling in this relationship.  You say you are feeling suspicious and that she's asking too much of your man. So, it's time to sit down with Albert and discuss your feelings. Try for an afternoon when not much is happening.  Don't bring it up during a romantic dinner. Don't make demands, at least not yet. Ask him to think about it for a couple weeks and let you know what he thinks. Go from there. This is about what YOU are going to do. If the situation doesn't resolve to your satisfaction, after two years of dating, try couple's therapy or move on from Albert.  

Missy

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