HOW TO HELP HER WITHOUT KEEPING HER : OPINION BY MISSY

Being Kept is a Relationship, even if the financial aspect of the situation lasts just a few weeks or months, as was the case when Cosmopolitan editor-to-be Helen Gurley Brown gave it a try early in her life - and hated it.  

I got a comment that I left unpublished, though it was a good comment, in which the person argued that an affair is a Relationship too.  Well, the definition of Relationship is broad, as is the definition of Friend. I can argue that traditional stay at home wives and mothers - whose numbers are quite dwindled - are also Kept Women.  It is from the Classic set up in which an unmarried woman does not earn income and is in waiting for the married Man who Keeps her, that we have a clearly defined Mistress.  These days there are a full range of Relationship Possibilities and so the definition is all over the place too.  Probably what is more common is that the woman does earn income, but not enough, and she has a man (or woman) who earns better and the financial help can be counted on for some time.  (And there are gay and lesbian people who are Kept and Keep too.)

I bring this up because a man friend who does not want to marry and who does not want his present Girlfriend whom he is Dating (his words) to be a Mistress, still wants to HELP HER financially.  He doesn't want to embarrass her.  He doesn't want to her to get the wrong idea that he is planning to continue this financial support or turn her into a Kept Woman, which he says she would hate.  He does not want to be thought of as a Sugar Daddy. So he asked me, "HOW DO I HELP HER WITHOUT KEEPING HER?"

The Question is trickier than it seems.  Do beautifully wrapped gifts appear?  Does he splurge on her for her Birthday or a Special Occasion?  Does he ask her, "Would you rather have new window blinds or go out to dinner or buy a new dress?"  (Which is NOT romantic?) 

As usual, I think a kind but honest conversation about it is the best thing to do.  Asking a person what they would like involves them in a decision and they don't go back to a store to return a gift to get the cash (though there are a lot of women doing that, as well as reselling their designer clothes!)

However, with the Holidays approaching, let me say that I think the Secret Elf who visits leaving unexpected cash can be a lot of fun.  (If you have a friend do the delivery, be sure they aren't the type to abscond with your gift.)  Secret Elf is a cash gift to someone that can be done anonymously.  Cash doesn't mean a Money Order, a Check, etc. There was a time when I played Secret Elf when I was visiting someone who I knew was hurting and I left some cash in their medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  Other people were there.  Who could she blame?

Another approach is the GIFT CARD.  In my opinion a romantic man should never give just the gift card.  Flowers, a box of Swiss chocolate, a hand made card or original poem and the GIFT CARD is much better.

It seems to me that a man shouldn't pay rent or medical insurance or set her up in business if his help is meant to be at whim or occasional. CASH or a GIFT CARD have destinations that are up to her.

Now WHEN you give a gift, also has something to do with what you are communicating.  MEN, whatever you do NEVER leave her in bed to go home and leave cash.  The implication is that the lovemaking is actually sex work.

Consider specific item contributions.  An upgraded cell phone or computer is usually good.  Also good, contributing in sneaky ways, such as when you are invited as the "plus one" to a wedding of one of her friends, suggesting you totally cover the gift that comes from the both of you.  That frees up some of her money.

I knew a Mistress of Sorts who never received gifts in boxes, cash, or anything new.  Her man, an antiques hound, furnished her entire two bedroom house with finds from flea markets!  According to her, they never even had sex, never even hugged. But they were very fond of each other and he was happy to help her in this way.

Missy