WHEN SHE SAYS YES TO LUNCH AND THEN TELLS YOU SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND : OPINION BY MISSY

Hello Readers!

One of my platonic male friends who seems to have no trouble attracting women willing to go out to lunch with him, tells me that too often the woman who accepted the lunch date uses the time to tell him she already has a boyfriend or is already dating someone.  Then the woman suggests they can be friends.  What's going on, he wants to know. 

Here is what's going on.

LUNCH DATES ARE MORE CASUAL and SHOULD BE LESS EXPENSIVE THAN A DINNER DATE and imply less obligation.  Maybe she had nothing else to do or felt hungry.  No big deal.

Lunch is a better idea when you want to start any kind of relationship, because it's usually less expensive (and should be!) for a first time one on one encounter with another person.  As the person who has asked the other person to meet up with them, you are obligated to pay the tab, including the tip, so you should do a little research and be sure you can afford to do so.  No announcing that the other person is paying for the meal or what they order. Since more people are willing to go see what another person is about for lunch, you have a better chance of them being willing to meet up with you if you suggest it.  Even better is a Sunday brunch - a meal eaten mid morning, as it leaves the rest of the day free earlier.  Plan to spend no more than 3 hours including commute time.  Men, ask your friends about places they recommend and why, check out places to meet up for lunch when you're out.  Find the perfect place.  Not too noisy.  You want to hear each other when you talk.  No overly hovering waiters trying to snatch your coffee cups the moment you stop sipping.

IF YOUR REAL INTENTION IS TO DATE THE PERSON RATHER THAN BE FRIENDS WITH THEM, then consider yourself lucky that they are telling you they are not interested in you in that way.  When a person tells you they already have a girlfriend or boyfriend, well, they knew that when they accepted your invitation for lunch.  The reason is that they have used the term girlfriend or boyfriend to say they have someone special.  You might think that this means you should probe them for more details such as "are you committed to each other?" but don't bother.  Whatever the other person thinks of the relationship doesn't matter, just what the person telling you they have someone special in their life already thinks of it.

However, there's more room to ask some questions if they say they are "already dating" someone else.  Does this mean that they are a one at a time kind of person? You might ask, boldly, "do you ever date more than one person at a time?"  These days the term dating can mean anything from meeting up with someone to having a full on affair with them.  Sadly, some people seem to use other people as "insurance," a raw term I first heard a few years ago.  They never want to be without a date so they audition other people as possible if the one they are with right now dumps them!  Such people usually don't enjoy their own company or can't be alone and can't be without someone to date.

Sometimes a man comes on too strong at lunch and a woman says these things though they are not true or barely true because she realizes he seems to want too much out of her to soon.  She means to be polite, the way men mean to be polite when they end a conversation or date with a woman by claiming they are going to call - and then don't.  Polite as in little white lies.  A woman is sitting there and she's feeling his intensity, thinks maybe he's the type to be obsessed, stalkerish, or maybe too jealous or controlling  maybe; her perception may or may not be right on.  However if the woman tells you she already has a boyfriend or is dating someone else already, and suggests friendship, but what you really hoped was to start dating her, it's ok to say you will give her a call - and not.  Provide her your phone number.  Let her give you a call to suggest some friendly get together such as an invitation to a party (where it is OK to bring someone else as a date.)  Women, if you tell a man who just paid for your lunch because he invited you, you just want to be friends and then call him to meet you for lunch, it's your turn to pay.

Who pays and how much?  It depends on what the relationship is, who earns more or has more income to spend on dates, the details of which you are not privileged to have until you are far more involved with them than this meeting up for lunch.

I'd rather be disappointed at lunch than dinner.


Missy