DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO FIGURE OUT IF HE LOVES YOU : OPINION BY MISSY

There was a great response to my last post on CHOOSING A GENTLEPERSON.  So I thought I'd go on a bit on the same topic - MEN!  If you are a man you can take some hints!

Here I go!

Things are very confusing these days.  We see so many images of people making like they are happy, having the time of their life.  Besides the media, people keep texting to let their friends know they are FUN.  Even people taking medication for cancer are depicted in ads as having worry free adventures.  Everyone seems to be assuring every one else they are worry free.  And partnered. If you are not dating you may suffer from that new cause of all problems - "low self esteem"!

What's real?

Dating shows, for instance, put such an emphasis on men being romantic - bringing flowers to a first date for instance which is something I think is way too much - but the show gives them a budget so there's no excuse - right?  It becomes a show of spending money.  All those presents! A first date isn't a marriage proposal! It's something that isn't coming from the heart.

I also think overspending to impress and making a first date too long and complicated is too intense. Mostly because most people just cannot keep up that momentum or afford it.  Men used to show off spending to show a potential partner that he could afford to marry.  But now it's too show off that he's sexy. (Hold off on showing yourself off to be a spender when you're first dating.)

Sadly, some men think that if they treat a woman well on the first three dates, the woman should start having sex with them, even though they really don't know each other - not really - and then the woman is the one who is wondering if she's actually in a RELATIONSHIP.  (She's usually not.)

If he does not treat you well, with respect, on all dates let him go. Seriously, one indication that he's got an anger management problem even if it's not (yet) aimed at you - let him go.  Why are so many women so desperate to be dating that they put up with snarly men?

What happens in the three dates to sex scenario? She's nervously wondering from date/sex to date/sex if he's going to call again.   Can that nervousness and insecurity indicate she feels loved?  Probably not.  This WILL lower your self esteem.

So many people are out there unable to evaluate relationships.  How did this happen? 

As you know, I think there are very many ways to love and be loved. Some take patience.  Some relationships will never become legal marriage.  You don't have to be married to love or be loved.  But if you are someone who wants and needs to be married... then be sure he is AVAILABLE!  But then marriage might not be what you're interested in - at least not at this time in your life.

I want to focus on those of you who are "lovelorn" and do not know it.  You're the ones who (and I was once like this too) hang in there because you feel you love someone and because you hope he loves you too.  You put time in and realize that time.  You don't want to feel the time you put in was a waste. You don't want to ASK him if he loves you, so you start doing things like writing in your diary or keeping a calendar of your dates just to make sure he's actually in your life.  You talk to your friends, analyzing the details, looking for hope.

Maybe you ask your mom or dad - or someone else older and wiser - how to tell.

The advice mothers gave to their daughters about boys and men was ridiculous back in the day but we were too young to know it was ridiculous. The advice father's gave to daughters, non existent. Yet, when I ask older women "How did you meet your husband/ companion?  How did you know he was it?"  These women didn't find it so complicated. You get the feeling people were more honest and sincere with each other. The man declared himself. She did too. They met and from that point on were rarely apart. It was mostly natural and easy.  Not torture.  Not anxious.  Not left guessing.  Sure there were crisis and uncertainties ; a lot of women have waited out wars, for instance. But bumps in the road isn't the same as constant upheaval.

The advice mothers were giving daughters back in the day went from dire warnings designed to prevent a daughter from premarital pregnancy to saying things like "Le him win at miniature golf." Young women were warned that men had this fragile thing called an ego that needed all sorts of assurances. (Why? Does being in a male body mean low self esteem?) It's hard to connect this fragile ego with the macho things men actually do. Young women apparently were not supposed to be themselves. To be desirable, she had to be less than and not honest. It seems to me the emphasis has long been on the woman being flexible, adaptable, and pleasing, and doing most everything his way. This left many of us feeling powerlessness was femininity.  Do you really need to defeat yourself to be desirable? in 2018? This blog is full of women who had to strive to have choice in their own lives when sexism was so much worse.

A woman was never supposed to be better at anything that her man did. That would be competitive and not feminine. This advice for some young women went as far as advising them that if they were making more money than the man they intended to marry or did marry, then they should quit their job and take a lesser one so that he would be the one making the dependable income - the head of the household!

Some mothers advised their daughters to have a "Prom Queen" attitude, that there were all sorts of men ready to fall at their feet - except they weren't! (Some women took this attitude to an extreme not realizing they were thought of as unattainable and cold.)

Along with all this was the advice that a friend repeated to me, "Never tell him you love him first.  Let him say it first."  And then if he said it, it was assumed he meant it. It was assumed he actually thought about it. But maybe he just thought he ought to. Or maybe he was just testing you. (This same friend let his saying "I love you," first into a miserable, tense, long term, time-wasting relationship.)

How do you figure out if a man loves you, especially if you think he is the Silent Type, a man of few words?  You may also think such a person must be Sincere when he speaks.  Maybe you think he is Deep, when maybe he's just reviewing in his mind the moves made at the football game. You start saying to him, "Talk to me" or "What are you thinking?"  You are on edge. You are waiting for him to come around.

So let's skip all this COMPROMISE, this WAITING and WONDERING.

A man who LOVES YOU cannot bear the thought of not having you in his life. 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
.
He thinks he is LUCKY to have met you! 

He doesn't use the excuse that he hasn't called because things have been busy at work; he may not be in town to go out or see you, but he can easily call to say he's thinking of you.

Gone on vacation?  Unless he's gone to the deepest forests to visit a primitive tribe where modern technology doesn't exist, he's going to phone, fax, e-mail, or send a postcard.  He doesn't want you to think he forgot about you.  He doesn't like the idea that while he's gone, some other man might discover you and begin to pursue you. There may be another man who wants you who is just waiting for such a departure.  A man who loves you will not disappear on you to "think about it."  HE KNOWS.

When you are wondering if you are in a relationship or not THINK CONTINUITY!  Not hit and miss.  He will do what he says he's going to do, starting small.  And if you let him get away with not following through on the small things, he will think you do not mind being not considered. So speak up.

Sure he may need a time out to think about it, but he's probably thinking about another woman, trying to decide which one of two or several he wants to focus on. So he goes into his cave. But does he really have to think about it for months and years?  No. Men, if you really cannot decide which of many you wish to focus your pursuit on, decide none of the above. Be courageous and be alone. And men, don't keep a woman you are not going to be good to in your life as "insurance."  That's selfish, disrespectful and using her till someone "better" comes along.  Women - same thing!

A man in love with you thinks everyone else would love you too.  He wants you to meet his smallest circle of close friends.  He's proud to introduce you to them.  And if one of them really doesn't like you, he makes you the priority, and he'll dump the friend before he'll dump you.  (Don't insist.  Let the doubter come around.  Some men have a circle of detractors just like some women do.  These men don't want their friend to have love because they themselves do not.  So they pick apart even the finest women as not good enough.)

If he hesitates to say, "I love you," first consider that's because he knows saying it is taking an important step in your relationship.  But once he says it, it's time to talk, not about how he loves you or if he love you, but what does this indicate about where your relationship is.  Are you mutually committed? Never figure that because you are having sex it's exclusive, meaningful, or heading towards marriage. Decide if you are one who really needs to be married.  Maybe he doesn't want to be married NOW.  Maybe he doesn't want to marry YOU.  Whatever, it does not matter.  What matters is that you don't keep a relationship going that's going nowhere. 

Don't be afraid at this point to talk about what you want and need too.  Don't come off as the woman who has no needs, who is so independent she can take him or leave him. (She's that same woman with the PROM QUEEN attitude.) We humans really are interdependent creatures.

Missy