SHOULD YOU OUT YOUR EX ON THE INTERNET? WILL IT FEEL GOOD?

A friend of mine, Lorna, is furious with a man she was seeing, because he cheated on her.  She's in pain and not in a philosophical mode. 
She pointed out to me that there are a number of opportunities to "out" a bad man on the internet.  She gave me a list that includes LemonDate.com, The Dick List, Cheater News, and DontDateHimGirl.

I said "Don't do it!"

I actually don't think it's a very good idea to out anyone on the Internet.  Ultimately it will only feel good for a short while.  It's not therapy.  And it's actually not fair because Internet is the world, not just your town.  You may think that you're warning other women away, and you can certainly do that among your friends and local social group, who maybe should have warned YOU in the first place.  But you are also putting your personal business out there too.  Lorna if she does this, may come off to some people as a woman who is so pro-women that she doesn't want anyone to get involved with her ex, but is also advertising herself as the kind of woman who goes out with losers and cheats. I hate to say it, but losers and cheats seem to know one another.
Who is to be believed?

Anyone who has been the victim of mean spirited gossip knows that sometimes people lie, or at least exaggerate.  For instance, a typical mean thing that some men do is claim to others that they "had" you, when they didn't, not even close.  These men are not well in the mind but they manage to stop other men from asking you out. 

I'm not sure I understand Internet dating or clubs.  I think you should go out there and meet people in person.

When the Yahoo scandal broke - years after it should have - I got notifications on my Yahoo accounts, much older than my Google accounts, that I had reason to worry.  One account was deluged with dating clubs which appeared to be of Chinese origin.  Another account, I learned someone had signed me up for Vietnamese girls, cute, sexy, and looking for American men, and marriage. (OK, maybe they thought I needed to include these girls on my blog as mistresses?)  I feel sorry for girls who have to offer themselves this way.  As for the Chinese dating clubs, they sure weren't going to get a date with me first of all since I'm all the way in the United States but also, I'm not looking! 

There is another reason why I don't advise you out someone as a "cheat."

When I was growing up almost every adult I knew was partnered.  I didn't even think of certain relatives of mine as individuals.  How you went from being a barely pubescent kid to one of those adults who was partnered was mysterious, this thing called love.  Every year I got older and realized how much more complicated life really is.  There are a lot of assumptions about partnering, such as that if it's "True Love," then the partners are never tempted or explorative.  Whatever satisfied them when they first got together will satisfy them for life - or even eternity!  In truth, long term couples go through a lot of changes in their relationships through the years.  We are amazed at the couple that make it fifty years without ever finding someone outside their marriage of interest.

When you are not even married, these days there are so very many kinds of relationships to (hopefully) choose, that I'm not sure the way things were supposed to work is how they do!
Does virginity count?  Yes, to far fewer than it used to.  Is a first marriage simply a "starter marriage," and a divorce a rite of passage?  What about all the people who prefer not to be monogamous or who are, but one person at a time?

If you feel very strongly that you not be "cheated" upon at this time in your life, you must talk to your potential partner, and say that, and you must agree to be in the relationship where that is not allowed or split up!  Lorna is a beautiful woman but one who gives her heart without knowing if she's being given one back.  She had no agreement to be with Larry exclusively and he knew that and did what he did.

All names changed.

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