Dear Missy,
I'm a wife whose husband, who I'll call John, has a mistress. I did a Yoko Ono a few years ago and encouraged him towards a particular woman, Stephanie, I liked. He moved out into an apartment and she moved in with him, which I wasn't expecting.
We've never talked about getting a divorce. I didn't want an Open Relationship, I just thought that having an adventure might be what he needed for his life, and I expected him to come back to me. I was real generous, right? I needed my space too and have enjoyed it, but now I'm feeling lonely. I think I have a better perspective on our relationship and can improve on it. Now that this situation as gone on like this for a year and a half, I'm starting to regret it. Stephanie's content or at least isn't pressuring him to divorce, at least that's what he says, but I want him back. I also don't want to beg. I'm miserable. What have I done? What should I do?
Jessica
New York City
I'm a wife whose husband, who I'll call John, has a mistress. I did a Yoko Ono a few years ago and encouraged him towards a particular woman, Stephanie, I liked. He moved out into an apartment and she moved in with him, which I wasn't expecting.
We've never talked about getting a divorce. I didn't want an Open Relationship, I just thought that having an adventure might be what he needed for his life, and I expected him to come back to me. I was real generous, right? I needed my space too and have enjoyed it, but now I'm feeling lonely. I think I have a better perspective on our relationship and can improve on it. Now that this situation as gone on like this for a year and a half, I'm starting to regret it. Stephanie's content or at least isn't pressuring him to divorce, at least that's what he says, but I want him back. I also don't want to beg. I'm miserable. What have I done? What should I do?
Jessica
New York City
ANSWER FROM MISSY
Jessica,
Well, at least you own your role in creating this situation, which is an Open Relationship of sorts, and which was once satisfactory but now has you so worried. At least you and the Other Woman, of your own selection for him, know about each other. My sense is that you felt in control at the time but now realize you really are not.
If you want him back you should not hesitate now to say so as a first step in doing so.
You must talk with him openly and honestly, but that doesn't mean you are going to go into the conversation unprepared or go on and on, detailing. In fact you are going to script it and practice in the mirror before you meet. The most difficult thing to do is to keep it short and sweet, state your case, don't overrun your time together, and basically just put an option on the table and then see if he goes with it.
You have the advantage since you are not going to warn him that the reason you're going out for dinner together is to discuss your relationship. He may be stunned or it might force him to realize that he does want a divorce. Oh my.
It's time to go out to dinner or lunch - a neutral space - to have a conversation. So don't ask him to come home and make him dinner. Provide your own transportation going and coming. Pick a place where the waiters don't hover and they don't kick you out the moment you've finished your meal, preferably with intimate, low lighting and booths, or maybe one of those outdoor patios, no loud music but maybe some background, and preferably where no one you know might see you and want to listen in and then gossip. Pick a place that serves drinks; One before the conversation, unless either of you are prone to overdo it and shouldn't imbibe. Plan on being there no more than an hour and a half. Set up your scenario while appearing effortless.
Order one drink, wait until the food is served, have a few bites, and then look him in the eye and tell him the truth. These are the lines that you practice in the mirror. Something like, "John, I have something to say that may surprise you. Being somewhat separated as we are has given me time to reflect on our marriage and I've surprised myself. Without getting too much into it right now, the fact is I fear that you are more involved with Stephanie that I could have ever imagined when I urged you towards her. The fact is I want you back, and to be only mine. Will you think about it, dear?"
At this point your heart will probably be pounding, but so what, love is like that, so long as you're not crying and running your mascara!
Let him talk. If he changes the subject, don't bring it back up. Don't use this dinner to get into the entire conversation or sort it all out. Some other time. Don't end the date with your own husband asking for an answer in a certain time limit.
Wait a month before you bring it up again, if he doesn't. Then tell him you were just wondering if he's given it any thought. One of the things he's going to think about is if he should also discuss this all with Stephanie and my feeling is that they are living together and of course he should. Also, if he does decide to rejoin you in traditional marriage, Stephanie should not be cruelly abandoned. (The way John Lennon did May Pang, the mistress of the month here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, in April of 2012.) Stephanie probably knows that you urged him towards her and now she has invested some of her life into John and may love him. He may also love her. Or both of you.
If you have money, and she does not, it would be honorable to provide her the means to move into another apartment so that she's not stuck in one with memories and if she is not working, several months of living expenses - a year would be better - while she job hunts - should be provided. If Stephanie agrees to leave the relationship, she may still have feelings for John. Be a Great Babe and do your best to help her move forward without being overly invasive. Can you give her some references to good employment? Know any good men you could introduce her to?
I know of a couple that divorced and both of them remarried within the year. To their best friends! And they are all still warm and affectionate with each other and even go out to dinner the four of them from time to time.
Missy
Jessica,
Well, at least you own your role in creating this situation, which is an Open Relationship of sorts, and which was once satisfactory but now has you so worried. At least you and the Other Woman, of your own selection for him, know about each other. My sense is that you felt in control at the time but now realize you really are not.
If you want him back you should not hesitate now to say so as a first step in doing so.
You must talk with him openly and honestly, but that doesn't mean you are going to go into the conversation unprepared or go on and on, detailing. In fact you are going to script it and practice in the mirror before you meet. The most difficult thing to do is to keep it short and sweet, state your case, don't overrun your time together, and basically just put an option on the table and then see if he goes with it.
You have the advantage since you are not going to warn him that the reason you're going out for dinner together is to discuss your relationship. He may be stunned or it might force him to realize that he does want a divorce. Oh my.
It's time to go out to dinner or lunch - a neutral space - to have a conversation. So don't ask him to come home and make him dinner. Provide your own transportation going and coming. Pick a place where the waiters don't hover and they don't kick you out the moment you've finished your meal, preferably with intimate, low lighting and booths, or maybe one of those outdoor patios, no loud music but maybe some background, and preferably where no one you know might see you and want to listen in and then gossip. Pick a place that serves drinks; One before the conversation, unless either of you are prone to overdo it and shouldn't imbibe. Plan on being there no more than an hour and a half. Set up your scenario while appearing effortless.
Order one drink, wait until the food is served, have a few bites, and then look him in the eye and tell him the truth. These are the lines that you practice in the mirror. Something like, "John, I have something to say that may surprise you. Being somewhat separated as we are has given me time to reflect on our marriage and I've surprised myself. Without getting too much into it right now, the fact is I fear that you are more involved with Stephanie that I could have ever imagined when I urged you towards her. The fact is I want you back, and to be only mine. Will you think about it, dear?"
At this point your heart will probably be pounding, but so what, love is like that, so long as you're not crying and running your mascara!
Let him talk. If he changes the subject, don't bring it back up. Don't use this dinner to get into the entire conversation or sort it all out. Some other time. Don't end the date with your own husband asking for an answer in a certain time limit.
Wait a month before you bring it up again, if he doesn't. Then tell him you were just wondering if he's given it any thought. One of the things he's going to think about is if he should also discuss this all with Stephanie and my feeling is that they are living together and of course he should. Also, if he does decide to rejoin you in traditional marriage, Stephanie should not be cruelly abandoned. (The way John Lennon did May Pang, the mistress of the month here at MISTRESS MANIFESTO, in April of 2012.) Stephanie probably knows that you urged him towards her and now she has invested some of her life into John and may love him. He may also love her. Or both of you.
If you have money, and she does not, it would be honorable to provide her the means to move into another apartment so that she's not stuck in one with memories and if she is not working, several months of living expenses - a year would be better - while she job hunts - should be provided. If Stephanie agrees to leave the relationship, she may still have feelings for John. Be a Great Babe and do your best to help her move forward without being overly invasive. Can you give her some references to good employment? Know any good men you could introduce her to?
I know of a couple that divorced and both of them remarried within the year. To their best friends! And they are all still warm and affectionate with each other and even go out to dinner the four of them from time to time.
Missy
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