MISTRESS MANIFESTO? MISTRESSES! YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A SCHOLAR TO COME TO AN OPINION! COMMENTARY BY MISSY

As my regular readers know, after I'm inspired to cover a mistress, I try to read around her before making a final decision on dedicating a month to her.  Then, because I'm interested in her, I hope what I write about her will interest my readers.

From the posted and unposted commentary that I got when I covered two of the women who openly made claim's in his lifetime to be the wife of rock star - poet Jim Morrison of The Doors, I feared that readers were mistaking MISTRESS MANIFESTO BLOGSPOT as being a Jim Morrison fan site, which it is not.  I had to remind people that the topic of this blog is mistresses, and the unconventional relationships and arrangements some people find themselves in.  Readers seemed to feel that if only I read more, or the book they recommended, then I would change my position, and perhaps not think that Morrison enjoyed pitting women against each other.  Covering a book written by yet another woman Morrison was in a long term relationship with convinced me that he was not one to be married to any one woman.

Clearly a controversial issue, and one of my most popular months here based on the hits, but one I took my stand on after dedicating many weeks over many months to reading around the subject, I had to wonder if some people thought my aim was to be a Jim Morrison and the Doors scholar.

But you know, you don't have to be a scholar, or read every book ever published (or talk to every person who claims to be in the know) to form an opinion.  Sometimes the opinion still comes from innate understanding, empathy, a gut feeling, or even a psychic knowing, about a person or a situation. 

I'm just being practical when I prefer the memoirs of the person themselves.  I know that the person has given a lot of themselves by writing the memoir, and even if they live past it and become an entirely different person, a memoir is a brave act.


Missy

SHOULD HE BREAK WITH HIS BOYFRIEND TO BE KEPT BY A CELEBRITY?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Hi Hon!

I'm gay.  I'm out.  I've been in a relationship for a few years now.  We both work.  I make three times as much as my significant other.  That's never bothered me.  We've never even fought about money.  I'm happy to pay for whatever he can't afford.  John is a good man but he doesn't make much money as a social worker. 

Now I met someone else, someone who makes even more than me, Reggie.  I met him just a few times for drinks.  Good conversation.  I told him I was with John.  Then before anything could happen, he made me a proposal.  He says that if I will be his, he will make it worth my while.  I can continue at my work and live right where I am now, the difference is that now I would be more on the receiving end. 

This man is a celebrity, up and coming. He says that he would want the relationship to be, not a secret, but not out there in the media until we're both ready to be a media event. So I would be at his house a lot, meet his close friends he trusts, no one that's going to blab to the National Enquirer. I wouldn't be going out with him on the town except maybe in groups.

I think I know what's attracting me to this besides thinking Reggie is hot.  I'm not cheap or greedy but I can't help myself wondering what it's like to be more on the receiving end.  I think I would like the experience of someone else picking up the tabs and buying me a car, as I did for John.

How do I do this?

Phillip
Hollywood


ANSWER FROM MISSY

Hello Phillip from Hollywood,

When one person provides a lot of wonderful perks and that is their role because the other person's income is limited, there is a relationship dynamic there.  So the first expectation I have is that you'll be experiencing an entirely different, probably opposite, dynamic than you have in your relationship with John. 

Reggie will be in charge and in power?  Will you like it?

Since John is a good man, and he may have become a little dependent on your generosity, please, if you're going to do this, have a gentle talk with him, break with him.  Tell John that you want to have an experience and be free to have it.  You don't have to get into all the details. Don't make him feel sorry for being a social worker because those people work hard and deal with a lot of stress to help other people and we need them.  Be a good man yourself and make the break before you get into Reggie's bed.

I'm putting you on notice though.  If and when you move on from John, don't expect him to be waiting for you to circle on back to him.  You have to take a risk to be with this up and coming celebrity.  You may well find being left at home hard going and long to be back with John.  It will never be your place to make the relationship go public.  Think this through.  What if you have a fight and break up?  Can you resist the temptation to write a Tell-All Book about the relationship and possibly hurt his career?  (Think of all the Tell-All books that Mistresses, who never thought they would, have written !)

As for Reggie being cautious about the media and that you'll be somewhere else or at his house when he's out being photographed with those he does want to be seen with - like maybe a starlet?  That's how it was done in Hollywood for years and years and I understand it. 

Why?

When someone wants to make a living as an actor they have to sell themselves to get work and part of that is being perceived as good for a part and most of the parts are for heterosexuals - and men.  When someone makes their sexuality or sexual preference so much a part of their identity that the general public can only think of them as gay, it usually means less work.  Directors want a man and a woman in a relationship that includes sex scenes to have chemistry. If the audience watches this knowing that one of the actors is gay, they're not convinced it's real.  There's something there that's more important than thinking "what great acting."  It's "Wow, they're not acting!"

So being out in the business really can mean less work even if more and more gay people are out in the business.  When actors who are notoriously straight, such as Michael Douglas or Sean Penn, play gay characters, they already have the insurance in place as sexy heterosexuals.

Are you sure you don't really mind the income inequity of your relationship with John?  Is that really what this is about?

Missy

CHINESE MANDALA

DECLARATION FOR MISTRESSES - Persistance and Fortitude

"Stick-with-it-ness is important and necessary to make it through life but dogged determination to do things one way shouldn't blind me to other and better possibilities."

LISA SEE : PEONY IN LOVE : MISTRESS MANIFESTO BOOK RECOMMENDATION

 

The exclusive world of the Emperor's Concubines that we've been exploring in the dramatic story of EMPRESS DOWAGER CIXI this month, is a world in which women are controlled from birth to death and even those who manage to manipulate their way to the top have to do so within restrictive protocols.

 

Present day mistresses are often assumed to be in wait to be a man's next legal wife, but while reading Peony in Love, one of a few books by author Lisa See that I've read that are based on the old Chinese or Chinese-Americans, I realized that for some Mistresses as was the case for some Chinese Concubines, there was freedom in not being a wife.

 

Did you know that a Chinese man's concubine's were considered to be his property even in the afterworld?

Lisa See's novel is based on the way of life that the Chinese lived in the 17th century and her main character is a the only child and daughter of a wealthy man who's own marriage is arranged. Kept secluded and far from the facts of life, she dreams of romance and passion with a man of her own choosing.

Her own father has concubines and all such girls, when imagining what the man they have been arranged to marry will be like, knows that the concubines are freer than they are.

Page 37

"Since marriages were arranged and neither the bride or the groom had any say in the match, concubines were every wife's fear. Husbands fell in love with concubines. They came together by choice, had no responsibilities, and would delight in each other's company, while marriages were a matter of duty and a way to provide sons who, in time, would perform rites in the ancestral hall."

The story is richly written, and set in a crucial time, about 1644, when the Ming dynasty fell and the Quing, lead by the Manchus, began, and the country is in turmoil. This crisis became an opportunity for some women to lead a freer and more expressive life in China before life became more repressive again and women did take the opportunity.

C 2015 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot

GARDENIA

FALL IN LOVE WITH JUST ANYONE? CAN A PSYCHOLOGIST MAKE YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN? IS IT ETHICAL?

NEW YORK TIMES - FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE - DO THIS  by MANDY LEN CATRON gives her personal account of trying the experiment!

THIS LINK INCLUDES 26 QUESTIONS and A FREE DOWNLOAD FOR YOUR AP!

EXCERPTS:  ... A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony...


\THE 36 QUESTIONS = is NUMBER 37 BIG WEDDING OR SMALL?

BEJING OPERA PERFORMANCE pf THE DRUNKEN CONCUBINE

THE DRUNKEN CONCUBINE

There are many Chinese Opera clips and films on YouTube but I chose this one because of the informative post that comes with it.  "Chinese opera has a history dating some 2,000 years. There are 317 types of opera, of which Peking opera is the most important and well-known. The practitioner of Peking opera is a master athlete -- he must be in top physical shape to accommodate the rigors of this performance art. Most performers begin their training from childhood. A well-known example is Kungfu star Jacky Chan, who started training in Peking opera as a child. Performers wear extensive makeup; their whole faces are painted in bright colors. Colorful masks, inspired from ancient ceremonies and religious symbols, are done by the actors. The color of each character's face is significant as it represents the character's personality and fate.

The Emperors, Empresses, and many others, including Cixi, had Operas performed in their palaces for entertainment, even daily.

CHINESE PHOENIX BIRD EMBRODERIE

SMITTEN - THE WAY OF THE BRILLIANT FLIRT by ARIEL KILEY and SIMONE KORNFELD

 "There's nothing hotter than being YOU!"

SMITTEN BOOK OFFICIAL SITE  Authors Ariel Kiley and Simone Kornfeld

I went off to my public library and ordered in several books on flirting.  This one was my favorite!

SMITTEN reveals an interesting FLIRTING PHILOSOPHY.

Be a self actualizing woman and you can communicate authentically, about yourself, while expressing true interest in others.  The authors will explain to you how to draw boundaries so that you can "handle" men who come on to you rudely, such as the Touchy-Feely, the Inappropriate Inquirer, The Degrading Flatter, the Spatial Smotherer, and the Dance-Floor Predator.  For the Inappropriate Inquirer try "Well, that's a bold thing to ask.  It seems etiquette has eluded you this evening, hmmm?"  (Page 78)  "Because Smitten techniques will cause all sorts of men to desire your affections, we strongly encourage you to get very specific about your wants/needs/values in advance."  (Page 89)  The 8 "earthshaking techniques include  THE QUIRKY QUESTION. UNINHIBITED ENTHUSIASM, REVEALING INTELLIGENCE, PURELY PINK, SECRET THOUGHTS, DECISIVE DECISIONS, the SMUTTY MOUTH, and the SECOND OF SILENCE.

EXCERPTS:

"The point of paying creative attention to  your look is not so that others will be awed by your genius ability to gain fashion inspiration from a cracked-up, washed-up oyster shell. Dressing in this way infuses your outfit with life.  It lets others get a glimpse of your distinctive vibrations, the particular pathways of your mind, your singular artistic aesthetic..."
(Page 66)

"As you become an increasingly brilliant flirt, it is inevitable that others will be drawn in by your undeniable radiance.  That is, of course, the point, but all this magnetism can result in various spatial, emotional, and sexual infringements - putting your personal boundaries to the test."
(Page 74)

C2015 Book Review Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot/ Missy Rapport
All Rights including International Rights

RED CHINESE BIRD CAGE

CHINA'S EMPRESS DOWAGER CIXI : MISTRESS OF THE MONTH SEPTEMBER 2015

 

EMPRESS DOWAGER CIXI

(1835- 1908)

 

Loved this book and you will too if you if you're interested in Chinese history and the

rise of a woman from concubine to a behind the scenes Ruler of China.

 

Imagine being twelve years old - maybe fourteen.  You have no say about your life at all.  You must obey your father - your parents - your family.  They can even tell you to commit suicide and you will follow through.  You've been raised to be obedient.  And you cannot be married to someone of your own choosing, or married at all, until you are paraded before the Emperor along with many other girls, brought to the Forbidden City on carts. 

 

If he rejects you, you go home to your family.  If  he chooses you, you go home for a year or so, until you are called to him.  If he (or his mother) chooses you to be one of his many concubines, then you must live segregated in a harem with the rest of the women at the back of the immense Forbidden City, where you may live a life of loneliness, or rise, step by step, to be a person of privilege, maybe even his favorite.  Only one young woman is chosen to be the Empress, his wife, and he may not even be the one to choose her. 

 

Chosen for the harem, you will not choose your own décor, clothing, or food,  as all of it is regulated to announce status.  What colors of silk, how many flowers in your hair, how high your shoes, how many cooked chickens for eating; everything is dictated.  You may or may not get along with the other women and girls. 

 

There are eight rungs on the ladder of the imperial consorts and if you are Cixi you begin on rung six.  You may never rise higher. 

 

Cixi did rise, because she was submissive and well liked by the Empress. 

 

She learned as his wife had, that the Emperor, called "The Limping Dragon," loves sex.  He increases the numbers of his consorts.  He also brings in prostitutes with bound feet and even goes outside for pleasure.

For two years Emperor Xianfeng paid no attention to Lan, a name not of her choosing, at all. Born in 1835, she entered the harem on June 26, 1852. It was his wife, Empress Zhen, who took a great liking to her, protected her, and raised her rank slightly until she requested to be renamed, from then on to be called Cixi. 

The Empress Zhen and the lowly concubine Cixi became great friends.  When he died, though not officially his mother, though she gave birth to him, Cixi's son became the Emperor and she and The Empress became "The Two Dowager Empresses" who, still confined to the back of the palace, and sitting unseen behind a yellow screen, basically ruled China until the son was married and had his own marriage.  Then the son died, only a couple years later of smallpox, and on his deathbed he asked the women to continue their role as advisors to the council.  They wanted to keep it going that way. 

In 1871 Cixi chose the three year old son of her sister to be the next Emperor.  The Empress Zhen died ten years later and so Cixi delayed his marriage until he was seething 19 year old. At that point she retired to the Sea Palace and kept herself entertained by designing her clothing and jewelry and having live operas performed for her entertainment.  She had servants holding her cigarettes and umbrellas.  It was not enough for this powerful woman. By 60 she was wearing wigs over her balding head and had lost heart. 

As history goes, she would never find great peace.  China would experience the Taiping and Boxer Rebellions, wars with France and Japan, as well as the invasion of Allied troops, including Great Britain and the United States, during her life time.

Though she may have been selected for being a obedient and unopinionated when just a girl, Cixi became hated. She had chosen a wife for the new Emperor Guangxu, who had been born her sister's son. This wife was the Empress Longyu who had been, at marriage, a 21 year old spinster, an older woman.  At his death she would do the honorable thing and commit suicide, leaving his favorite concubine Pearl to fend for herself.  At 64, Cixi, in an escape fleeing the Forbidden City in the year 1900, ordered Pearl to commit suicide.  When Pearl wouldn't, she was tossed down a well.

Cixi lived exiled with a large group of other aristocrats and servants in Xian, but remained a ruler of China, and a secret feminist, hating the inequality that women experienced in China and the attitudes against them.  Though she was aging, the Emperor Guangxu was a feeble man.  They returned to Beijing in about 1901-1902.  She died in 1908.

Of great interest to me was the power of these two women in their political alliance, which they had to handle so carefully so as to not be accused of treason, and which was immense.  This is the story of strong women and weak men.  Yet, they were women, and not free to live entirely as they liked however rich and privileged they had become.  When lonely and young as a widow, Cixi had taken one lover, a eunuch, and when he was beheaded she had a breakdown, and never took a lover again.  Unable to have more children as a Dowager, he strove to put those who were blood related to her and family on the throne of China, with failure.

C 2015 Mistress Manifesto BlogSpot/ Missy Rapport  All Rights Reserved including Internet and International Rights.