SHOULD SHE CHANGE JOBS SO SHE CAN STILL HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE MAN WHO IS HER BOSS NOW?

QUESTION FOR MISSY

Dear Missy

A good friend of mine, Angela, is having an affair with her married boss, who I'll call Wade. She's crazy about him and from what she says, he's crazy about her.  They get along really well.  They've always worked really well together.  They have a lot of fun, a good sense of humor between them, and some common interests, like they both love baseball.  Their affair started because a group from her office go to down to the sports bar to watch the games after work to unwind and relax. 

I've known her since we were little girls. I know being involved with a married man is not like Angela.  She's never done this before.  At first I was shocked, especially because this man has three children under the age of six at home.  I really want her to be happy and she is happy.  I don't want to bring her down.

The other day Wade told Angela that he wants her to find another job.  He says that if the old men who are higher-ups find out it could be trouble for both of them.  He reasoned that since she's a secretary, and will get his highest recommendations, it will be easier for her than for him to leave the company.  She's afraid to do that because she's got benefits like a retirement to consider and because she knows then she won't see him as much and wonders if leaving the company will end the affair.

I asked her if she asked him what's wrong with his marriage.  He says the whole scene at home is exhausting and not at all what he had imagined his life would be married.  He loves his children but he says they are all the result of contraceptive failures.  They came too soon and too fast one after another.

Ginny,
Portland

*****

Hi Ginny,

Will Angela really be able to keep working with a man who doesn't want to have an affair with her anymore?  Office based affairs are common and so many people who've had them do break up and stay put.

It's my gut feeling that the affair will end if she changes jobs and that Wade is trying to find a good way out for both of them, but I'm also hoping Angela can break it off and keep her job.  It seems that whenever there's an office based affair it's always the underling who suffers.

Angela will have to negotiate that and if she's in love with Wade, it's going to be really difficult emotionally.  To break up and stay at work with a person require the skills of a great actor, at least for a while.  She will have to go about the workplace pretending she really doesn't feel like crying.  Probably a number of co-workers, supervisors, and other personnel have already picked up vibes and suspect or know there's an affair going on. 

I don't feel too sorry for Wade.  I can't be more encouraging to you for Angela's sake because of the number and ages of his children and the fact that they have a stay at home mom there with them raising them. 

If a man really does not want children, if a couple does not, there are so many options today, which, if they cooperate, are very effective to avoid having children.  I was reading an advertisement in a local weekly magazine that said rubbers are extremely effective these days in preventing AIDS.  If using them prevents the transmission of venereal diseases including the deadly HIV virus, certainly they are effective as contraception. 

Sure they break, but maybe not as much as they used to with better manufacturing methods (Do not use brands not made in the United States that haven't been rated.)  I've met people who got pregnant while using every form of contraception there is, which is why I'm pro-abortion.  But when a couple is not ready to have a child or another child and cannot afford it physically, psychologically,. emotionally, or financially, then they can so use more than one method.  In other words, those babies came "too fast" because WADE WAS THERE!

So my guess is that having three children one after another like that is tied into some very deep irrevocable notions that Wade has about life, possibly tied into his religion and culture, and that of his wife's.

But whatever their life is as a married couple, I think he's scared for his job and career and how he'd find another one to support a family of four.  He may think Angela is terrific and may enjoy her greatly, but this affair comes at a bad time in the lives of his children, their mother, and his.

Of course I could be wrong.  It could be that Angela, with the help of Wade, finds a new better, excellent job, one in which she prospers, uses all her talents and skills, and that comes with better benefits and retirement.  Maybe then he'll find that he misses her so much that he gets a divorce and can be with her.  Surely Angela would hope that he could afford child support, and will not mind as he becomes a weekend daddy for years on end.  Does Angela WANT to be the step-mother of three small children? 
Can she imagine seeing very little of Wade because he will spend a lot of time with them and always have a connection to his wife because of them? 

Ginny, Help your good friend think this through.  Tell her to BE STRONG.

Missy